Friday, 31 May 2013


Edinburgh - E 2
Amsterdam - G 6
Apeldoorn - Pluto 1 (3)

Thursday, 23 May 2013

They See Me Rollin'

It's a nightmare. My mind is like a roller-coaster; there are too many thoughts all in one. It's driving me crazy, literally crazy. I lack significant amounts of sleep, I lack rest, moral and physical rest. There seems to be no such thing as rest in my life. I am emotionally unavailable. I am cruel and tired. I am back in a crying mode. For all I care it's because I will be leaving again, leaving for good. And, fuck (excuse my language), but I've said so many goodbyes in my life, it's just absurd. It is so odd to see people now, people at work and other friends, and know that in a few days I will be gone, and I will probably never see them again. It's like a huge part of my everyday life is going to be torn out of me. It will be gone. I can feel tears build up several times throughout the day. I can feel falling due to lack of energy. I can feel that I am working too hard, I am ignoring my senses. I just keep moving even though I should stop for a moment and take a deep breath. I should ignore haters, cut them out of my life. Cut the cord. I should fight for friends that are worth keeping. But I am scared, I am scared that I actually deserve to be hated. I am scared that if I keep the good friends I will be hurt even more. It is just so much easier to become distant, to be cold. I am so tired of being forgotten. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd. I want to be different. I am different.

I will not change, I will keep going until I collapse. But I will rest as soon as I physically get away from here. My mind is still going to wonder about, I will always be thinking about things I did, and choices I made. But I need a new view, a new setting, somewhere where I can think thoughts that count, thoughts that make at least a little sense.

I can't let them bring me down. I am not going down. I feel like giving up, and at some points it is unbearable, but I know that it is crucial to keep going, to keep going for the things I've set for myself in the near future. I deserve to do things for a better future for myself, no one will make me believe otherwise.

P.S. I've created a new blog called Must Keep Going. On the new blog I will, hopefully, be posting things along the way. Here's the link:

Saturday, 18 May 2013


To all the haters and non-believers.
There is no such thing as impossible. That's what winners call giving up. "Quitters never win, winners never quit." You can all tell me otherwise. You can keep calling me crazy, because that's what I am.

But it's hard to always stay strong. It's hard to stay positive when no one has the courage to back me up and believe in me. It's hard that instead of supporting me, helping me you do the exact opposite.

For every gram of strength I gain, there is someone who hatefully takes it away. I need all support possible, but even the people who I expect it from are simply not there for me.
"The worst part about being strong is that no one ever asks if you’re okay."
I'm trying so hard to transfer all that negative energy into more will power.

Despite you all, I still believe in myself, and there is no way you can take that away from me. You can try, and it ill only make me stronger. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

One day this will all be gone and I will remember that I did something that others would never even think of doing. I am, and will be different. I will succeed.

I remain as the girl that said goodbye before saying hello. I will be gone and most of them will not even remember my name or my face. But I'd like to think that they will remember something, a small thing I did or said. Everyone I've met has helped me to form the person I am today, they all have made changes, alterations, if you will. Some for better, some for worse, either way I am here now the way I am. And I'm happy not because I like my life or everything around me. But I'm happy because of the way I can make people feel. It is power, it is a special trait. I know I've made people feel bad, but I've also made people feel good. It is a conscious choice how you treat people. It doesn't just come as an instinct. It is your choice how you make others feel. It is your words and your action that matter. You simply have to pick the right people, you simply have to pick the right people..

So here I am now, ready to yet again say goodbye. I'll put on that smile. I will walk tall. I will make you all believe that I am happy. But it's important that the message is out there I will miss these days, I will miss the people, and the comfort I am in. I am scared for it all, and I know things will be tough. I know I will struggle during the journey and after it. Couple of very hard months are coming right up. But I know that I will be proud of myself. And in the end of the story called life, it will all be worth it. "Nothing worth having comes easy."

I'll prove them all wrong!

Thursday, 9 May 2013


"Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving."

And that I will do.
I'm planing to get back on my bicycle, just this time i'll be better prepared.
So here I will make a list of things that I have, things that are on the way and things that I still should purchase.

-Spare Tube
-Travel Insurance

-Padded Shorts
-Safety Vest
-First Aid Kit
-Emergency Blanket
-Handlebar Ends