No, no, no!!!

I don't want anything. I can not recall a time when I literally did not want anything. I keep asking myself if I want the things that usually make me happy. And all my mind is yelling at me is NO NO NO!!! How do I stop this? How can I know what I want???

Going LOCO!!

Now Playing: Flo Rida ft. Sia - Wild Ones

All this is mine

Every time I come in my room, I get a weird feeling. I think to my self: "All this stuff is mine." That's my bicycle standing right across of me. I have my laptop, my camera. I've got an exercise ball that I almost never use. That I almost never use. Most of the stuff that I have is things that I simply own, I just have them. I have books that I haven't even read. I have clothes that I have not worn in months. There's just too much  of everything. Too much. What for? What is stuff for? It makes me sick. It makes me sick to every pore of my body. I get goosebumps when thinking of this. What makes it even worse is that I can't throw things away. A part of me says that I will need this again some day. And, to be fair, I'm probably right. But who knows when that day will come. I have things. It makes me sick. I don't need most of them. What makes me sick even more is that there's people who haven't got a thing. There's people who wish they had a bed and clean bed sheets to sleep at night. There's pretty little girls and women in the world that would die to have at least one piece of jewellery, so that they could wear it to feel special. But do they need it? No. It is not a live-or-die necessity. Do they feel special anyway? What makes them feel special? Family? God? Religion? Traditions? Children? Money? Job? What makes YOU feel special? When was the last time you felt special?

I wish I had more. Not stuff, but wisdom. I wish I had the strength to be who I could be.

Not sure where I was going with this. Basically, I want to be able to stop buying material things.





All that aside, I believe I have decided what I want to do for my one-a-moth thing for June. The idea is to buy a big canvas, or just a simple BIG piece of paper (big meaning something like 2-3 m squared). Then buy some paint, some cheap stuff. AND then paint this big piece of space by using feet and hands. You know, kind of like letting things out of my system in a creative sort of way. Then I could stick this thing to a wall, or to the ceiling in my room. Or toss it out. It is the process that will matter. In most things in life the process is more important than the actual final result. Just something I like to think about.


Lately I've been thinking too much, again. About so many things that it would be even impossible to write it all down, not even in point form. Yeah.. So many things racing through my head all the time. I'm morally tired.

Yuck

Food tastes like plastic. Most of the food here is tasteless, and well, it just doesn't tickle my fancy. Of course, I am to be blamed since I am too lazy to make any food, i.e. to cook an actual dinner. Lately I rely too much on ready-to-eat stuff, or on microwave foods. Can't help it, I am tired. Mostly it is emotional tiredness, it brings me down and makes me want nothing. Besides, here it is three times cheaper to get a ready meal than to cook one for your own. It is more expensive and time consuming to buy all the ingredients, put them together, cook, ... than to simply buy something where all you have to do is pop it into the microwave for a few minutes... AND BAM - dinner's ready!!

Latviets'

Tu vari man ticēt vai neticēt. Vari pats savas teorijas cilāt, bet fakts ir fakts. Kādu dienu Latvieši būs vēsture. Mūsu tauta būs izžuvusi upe. Kādu dienu cilvēki spriedelēs par to, kas latvieši bija, un kur viņi dzīvoja. Būs laiki, kad mūsu pēcteči vairs nezinās ne latviešu valodu, ne senos latviešu ticējumus. Viņi nezinās, kas ir Dziesmu Svētki, un viņiem nebūs ne jausmas kas ir latviešu tradīcijas un kultūra. Mūsu mazā valstiņa Baltijas Jūras krastā būs kā nostāsts. Cilvēkiem tas būs mīts, un neviens vairs nevarēs skaidri sacīt, vai tāda valsts patiešām ir bijusi. Latvijas vēsture būs vien izlasāma pasaules lielākās bibliotēkas mazākajā grāmatā. Nevienam vairs nerūpēs mūsu senču vēsture, tas ka bija laiki, kad latvieši savu valsti vērtēja augstāk par savu dzīvību. Neskaitāmās asaras, un litriem asiņu, kas lietas pār mūsu zemei būs kā mazs puteklītis piesārņotās pasaules okeānā. Nebūšu es. Nebūsi tu. Mēs nebūsim.

Līdz tam brīdim vēl ir laiks. Tas cik daudz laika mums ir atlicis, paliek mūsu pašu ziņā.

Ko daru es?
Ko dari tu?

Ko mēs darām?

Dialog

-So are you gonna see that guy again?
-Which one? (:P)

You Dreamt My Dream

When all you've ever lived through seems like a dream it is almost impossible to breath. It is impossible to live the way you lived before. You realize that what you have now is your life and you can not simply live on the past. Yes, what you have lived through has created the person that you are today. However, you need to live for this very moment. It will later be a brick in your life. All the people you meet will mean little, since you might barely remember their names. But the thing is that they all have contributed to the creation that You are now. I am not sure as to what I am trying to say right now. OK, scratch that, I know what I am trying to say, I just don't want to admit it. .. Here it goes, I live too much in the past, and not so much in the present. Further more, I do not live in (or for) the future. I love new experiences, but I am weak and I can not let go of my past. It is gone, and I have let it go, but too often I just wish things were the same as they were back "then". When, I wonder, ... I don't know, sometimes I just wish things were different from what they are now. Sometimes I just wish that life was simple. But it never is, and never will be. I know it, but deep down I just wish for the easy road to be my road. Gosh this is so confusing. All because I don't want things to be the same.

I like change, but as some level I'm too scared of it.

Life, eh?

Easy Livin'

It's not always easy to live like I do. I know it might seem as nothing hard, being reckless. But for me, as a person who still has some dignity, and sense of responsibility, it is not always easy to just do things, and think later (or not think at all). Yesterday was poker night at Bar Ten. I had not been to a game for a while now (even thought I had gone over there on a Monday anyway, just for a few drinks). I did well,just as I thought I would and placed second. After that some of us headed to the karaoke bar, where I finally saw/heard Gunta sing. I don't remember what she was singing though, something not too well-known. Blah, blah, blah, night went on, and things got out of hand. Hahaha, I did something that I shouldn't have done. It's the aftermath that kind of makes me want to stop being stupid. I really should learn to let it go. Some day I will be gone from Glasgow, and then I will simply remember that I had a really fun time. It will all be history. I got home at 8:05, and left for work at 8:20. At 8:30 I was rocking and rolling at work. My supervisor made a comment "Don't you just love being young?" of course, I agreed to this statement. :D

Anywhore, I am still only a human, and a part of me wishes yesterday never happened. But it did, so I'll take the best of it and live on with my odd life. 




Oh, and Friday night was pretty sick as well, but I can't really tell more that I already did.
Just saying.

Estimated Damage

Friday night I went to a friend's place. He was celebrating that her flat mate (also ex-girlfriend) had moved out. We ended up having a few drinks and playing table games (yeah, actual table games). most of us were up almost the entire night. Anyway, I stayed the night there, and then during the day I had finally gotten home. I was so tired that I locked up my bike downstairs, as I had done some times before. Sunday morning I had a bad gut-feeling. The moment I woke up I went straight to the window to peek at my bike. And then I was that the back wheel was up, and somehow shoved into the bushes. Then I decided that I should leave timely for work, just in case I'll have to walk. And right I was, the seat had been taken off the bike.

Once I got home from work I took the bike upstairs. I had also gotten the seat back, Kaspars saw that it was outside in the grass. Well, here is the full list of what the hooligans have done:

• Pulled of the seat 
• Took apart the brakes 
• Turned around the light reflector 
• Changed the speeds around 
• Kicked about the wheels 
• Punctured the tires 
• Destroyed the lock

I got this bike for 30 pounds. Don't know if I should sell this one, give it away, or try to fix it, or just get a new one.

AND, YES, I do blame myself for leaving the bike outside. However, I am raging that people would just destroy someone else's property just for the sake of it. I secretly wish someone had rather stolen it. Because then there would at least be some use of it.

Life is life. Blah.

Day by Day

We all have different times in life. We have the ones where we are down, sad, and feeling anything but useless. Times when we can't help others. Then, what is even more pathetic is that we can not even help ourselves. Right now my life feels like it's at a stop. Well, picture this, life is a bus ride. We ride from one end to another. So, taking this analogy, my life is at a bus stop. I am not entirely sure if I am a late bus, or if I am running ahead of the schedule, since there really is no schedule, but I AM AT A BUS STOP. I do not know where my bus is going, or where from it is coming, but I am here now, and to be honest, I am taking a lot out of it. I am at a bus stop of ignorance, of laziness, of parties, of the crazy-youth-days kind of things. And yeah, I am in a way jealous of my friends (a.k.a. ex-friends) that are at uni, studying, and pursuing their dreams, and developing their skills. But when I look at it from another perspective, when else will I be able to be stupid, and reckless? I believe it it possible to do all at once, but I really love not caring about consequences (well, in the short run anyway). Of course I too have a line, that I will never cross (i.e. braking the law, for instance). But for now, it is all right to party all night long, then go to work, then party the following night as well. It is fine because my job is shit (what else could it be), I care very little for it. People that I party with (at least most of them) are shallow pigs (yeah, i have learned to be a hypocrite) and I couldn't care less for what they think of me, since I will be leaving this god damned city anyway. Of course, the question is WHEN will I be leaving and to WHERE.

Anyway, for now I will be rude, mean, stupid, prudent, crazy, dumb, all-over-the place, careless.....etc.

But, hey, don't you worry, some day I will grow up. Just now yet, not yet. :P

Now Playing: FUN - WE ARE YOUNG