Monday, 31 December 2012

Purchase

I, like most of us (I believe), usually download music online. Illegally. Yup, that's what I do. Very rarely do I actually buy a song online. Now that I come to thinking of it, online I've actually paid for just one song. And it was only because I couldn't find where to download it, but I liked the song very, very much.
All for good, today I made a change, I purchased two CDs! You heard me. I went into a store and purchased two brand new CD, in a legal store. I know, WHY?? That's what I would be thinking. If I wanted, I could get all these songs online without spending any money. Besides, CDs just take us space, and that's no good (especially now). But somehow a new part of my brain took over and I decided to go ahead and buy the CDs. The first CD I found in the shelves of FOPP was The XX this year's album Coexist. I've not listened to it yet, but should be good. The second CD that I purchased is the new album of Canadian band Wintersleep called HELLO HUM. I'm listening to it as I write and I am enjoying it. I don't know if this is actual satisfaction, or if I am just reassuring myself that it was a purchase worth the money. I've like Wintersleep ever since I heard them the first time, so I assume that this is real satisfaction.

Well Happy New Year everybody. I'm staying in today, having a glass of Asti and then heading to bed.
A quiet evening for me, thank You very much. :D




Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Money Matters

It's almost 2013. Who would've knew that the year will go by so fast? The year really did go by fast, but when you come to think about it, many, many things have happened since the beginning of the year.
I was going to do a later sum-up-the-year post, but I have a feeling that this one will turn out into one.

In the long run it has turned out to be a travel year. January was the start of this journey, I went to Paris. In a way it had always been a dream city for me. Not entirely, but it was definitely one on my checklist. How could it not be, right? Then I also visited Scotland's capital, Edinburgh. Compared to Glasgow, it is much, much cleaner and more beautiful. February was a long month as well. I got my dad a lovely camera for birthday, then I went home to visit for a week. Also, in February before going to Latvia, I moved in with different people. Lovely people, and I come to thinking that the time I spent living with them has been by far the best time in Scotland. Living with Inga was great! I mean, I had a good friend for all that time.
Then March finally came and I went BUNGEE jumping. Now that was amazing. It was something I had always wanted to try, and was so very glad I finally did it. It was better than I had though it would be.
April went by quietly, did not do much, I suppose some small things added up.
In May I went to Northern Ireland. Before that my mom visited me on her way to Canada.
In June I bought my unicycle, and that is why it is called June. :D In July I got a new bicycle since my previous one got destroyed at the beginning of June.
In August I went about to see some other cities in Scotland, I visited Stirling and I visited Aberdeen. In September right after my birthday I went to Ireland, Dublin. After that I had a party for my birthday, it was fun. In October I went to London, and met my brother there, and we had a couple great days in the big city. November was the next best thing after Paris, I visited Iceland. An country with fascinating scenery. Then I went home again for a week to visit my family.
And it is December now already. Shall see what will happen before it ends.

There it is, my year in a few sentences.
Now I really gotta run. :D

Thursday, 20 December 2012

I am an Apricot

Yeah, I am an apricot. It's a funny story really. I once met an Irish man who told me that anyone could be what ever they wanted to be. So immediately I had to decide what I wanted to be. First thought was to be some kind of superhero. You know having super powers would be awesome. But then I figured that even more awesome it would be to be an animal. Like a giraffe for example. Imagine having the longest neck in the entire universe. How cool would that be?? HuH?

But all in all I decided to be an apricot because it has no responsibilities. It is small and mostly unseen. No one notices it. It is one of countless. But what is even more important, it has no feelings. It does not feel pain, it does not feel love, it doesn't know what disappointment is, it has no clue what it is like to be happy. It knows nothing, and it does not care of anything.

I want to be an apricot because life would be so much easier. And sometimes we all deserve for things to be easy. We all want simple and nice things. Is it really too much to ask for a nice Christmas? I don't need no presents. I want a Christmas tree. I don't need extreme decorations. A neat candle will do the job, and a nice melody that reminds of times when Christmas was really a magical time.

I am an apricot for it has no feelings.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Go Up

Everyone is vulnerable, weak, pathetic. We take what is given to us, and very few of us aim, strive for more. We are selfish and naive. There is no person that is a saint.

But when you get too used to all the crap that people send your way, you get tried of turning the other cheek. You simply have no more soul left to punish. You become empty. All the scars are as deep as they can be. So every hurtful thing is like yet another raindrop in an ocean. It gets old. It gets to be the reality.

I am so weak that I can not be wounded any more.
As they say, you have to hit rock bottom to go up, and I've experienced this so much since here in Scotland, that I have to go up now, because there is no other way.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Highway To Hell

It's a complicated story. The trains run one way, and never come back. There are countless floors, but stairs go up only two floors. We see colors, but never appreciate them. We value things only on our own scale. We forget we're not alone. We try, but we fail. We try again, but fail again. Sometimes we succeed, some of us really do succeed, but yet it's never enough. We have gray dreams, and no sense of imagination.
I make him beg, so I can reject you. I torture myself because I believe that's what I deserve. I do things that make me feel like shit. I create pain. I go to bed late and get up early.
I destroy joy.

This is not a complaint, this is not a confession. This is nothing. This is not even true. This is fake as fake as the entire human race.

Will you create a short film for me?
You really shouldn't but you could help me, please..

Friday, 16 November 2012

Cuz I'm Going Crazy

This is just another story about an ordinary girl who lost her mind. This is no story. This is a simple statement, no story. This girl did not simply become crazy. She was crazy ever since she could remember herself. She was different, unique, useless. She was scared. She knew that one must let go of certainties, one must step out of the comfort zone, but she never took action. She knew how to do things, and once she knew something, she knew it well. She was good at the things she did. And she knew that she could do a lot more. She could do less, but she could also do more. She could tackle higher walls, she could build even higher ones. She'd be capable to do anything that she really wanted to do.

But she plays it safe, she is stuck in a routine. But she gets out of her shell every now and then. She leaves it all behind, if just for a day. Just to see something she has not seen before. Because the more she sees, the less she knows.

It's a simple statement. She is alone, and that is the way she wants things to be. There is no room for pity, there is no space for excuses, there is nothings that she hasn't heard. She has seen more than one can imagine. She has experienced things that can not be described, good and bad. She is lost, but she knows that she's lost. She wants things to change. Things change all the time, just not the ones she'd like to change. Turns out she can't control everything. She feels disappointed, and sad.

However, sometimes she knows how to let go. There are times when she is happy, sometimes for little reason, or no reason at all. Sometimes the reasons are good, meaningful. Now she is happy that she will be once again gone from life's hassles for some days. She will be all by herself, just the way she loves it. She will be still in her comfort shell, but in another location. She will be gone psychically and mentally.

So thanks for dropping by,
call again when I'm back.


Thursday, 15 November 2012

Inside Joke

I wonder why you have that mixer in your bedroom. Not that I've been in your room anyway. I bet a man can be pregnant. And even more so, I'm sure you're a negro. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife. Well, I'm glad things are the way they are. Ok, bull shit. Fuck everything.

At least I'll be gone from all the crap in my life for some days as of this Sunday. Can't wait.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Leave It On

I tried for a second to live without a mask. I mean, not entirely, I took it off partly. People did not understand. They don't want to understand. They don't care.

"Smile. No one really cares how you feel."

Saturday, 10 November 2012

I'm From The Moon

There are two classic lines that I use to give a guy a hard time in getting to know me. First, they are always interested in where I'm from. I tell them the part the city where I live, but then they ask where I am from originally. That's when I say that I'm from the moon. At first most of them get confused and as again, as if I am the daft one who didn't hear the question right. As they go on with their confusion, I simply laugh at their stupidity. Then I wonder, what difference does it make? I've asked some guys, but never really got a clear answer. The next thing is that when I meet a guy who I actually like, I give him a hard time in finding out my name. I'm that mean, and they don't understand why I do that. I don't know either. It's just fun to watch a brave man be confused. Evil much?

Then there are certain things that attract guys without me even trying hard. One, it's my hair, I don't leave it down too often, but when I do do that, then many people come up to me to through compliments at me. I don't mind, as long as they are not drunk chicks. I prefer when cute guys notice that. Second it's my accent, the mish-mash of everything, guys find it sexy. And I don't blame them, they've spent all their silly lives in Scotland where ladies are a disgrace to humanity, and all talk the same, so someone with a different accent is nice to see/hear/meet. Besides, i't funny to see guys trying to guess where I am form.


Thursday, 8 November 2012

We Were The Best

I don't know why someone would choose to end what we had. We were great friends, and if we all were to meet again, great stories would be born, just like in the olden days. Life changes so quickly, people come and go. While you could not care less for others, some you wish you could keep. Some are awesome, like a rare pokemon card that you simply can not exchange or loose, it is priceless. It brings tears in my eyes to think that some things will never be the way they were. Makes me wonder why? Why is it that some people come in our lives and leave such a footprint that you cannot erase it. Not that I would ever want to erase them, no, but it's also painful to think of how great times were, and now the good things are gone.. And not-so-good things come in place. Eh, friends, such a simple, but complex system. :)

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

I'll Wait

How long do you expect me to wait? This is not fair to me. This is not fair to you. This is not fair to anyone. Get a grip boy, you can not expect me to wait forever.

Where does the good go?

What Do You See?

It's funny how in the past week three people in different situations have told me something along the lines of  "it's the first time i hear that you're scared of something!" What do people see when they look at me? I really couldn't grasp what it was they were trying to say. I don't get it!
One of them was my coworker, I was telling her something about this one guy, and all of a sudden she tells me that I'm scared of being in a relationship.. The truth is, I don't want a relationship, especially with this guy. We might have chemistry, a wee bit.. But at the moment I myself don't know what I want, so until I figure out what it is I want I don't need some shallow people telling me that I'm scared. Of course that wasn't enough bull shit for one night. Why would she say that she has never seen me scared! I have always presented myself as the fragile one, I always have been the weak link. Why do some get the wrong picture?
Makes me wonder, do most people see me that way? Do all of you think I am strong? I do put on a mask a lot, but I really never expected that to work! Should I show people who I really am? Should I show that what a wreck I am, how uncertain I am, how weak I am? Would I get more out of life? I don't know, I doubt it. I suppose I never felt like I had the right to be the weak one, you know, seeing how miss fortunate some people are. I have always believed that I'm expected to take what is given. I'd always moan, even cry in my mind, but then I'd bite my teeth together and just keep going. You know how Churchill said, If you're going through hell, keep going. Yeah, I always keep going, sometimes I struggle more that needed, sometimes quite the opposite; I get through easier than expected.

Anyway, where was I going with this?

Right, people don't really know me, and I don't blame them, definitely not. I am glad they don't know me.

Very few of us are what we seem. (A.Christie.)

That's two of my favourite quotations in one post, crazy man! :D

Thursday, 1 November 2012

NaNoWriMo

November has arrived and I should really at least give NaNoWriMo a try. For those who don't know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. If I recall correctly, it's birthplace is United States, but in the recent years it has become well known around the world. The basic idea of this is to write a novel in one month; the month of November. The rules are fairly simple. The fathers of this idea have estimate that the novel has to be 50 000 worlds long. It can be written only during the month, not a day earlier and not a day later. (If you do do that, then you don't count as a  NaNoWriMo winner.) I really want to try this so bad, and I will give it a shot.. However I have a problem - holiday this month. I'll be practically unable to write after the 18th of November, so my time is slightly shorter that would be expected. I want to be a winner, but I will not be completely disappointing if I fail. What counts is that I will try. :)


Other than that I've moved down the street again, yeah, different place again. Don't know how long I'll be able to stay sane here.. But let's hope for the best. I have to survive this month and then I should be fine. Right?? huh...life.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

FREAK OUT

I just found out that tomorrow Katzenjammer are performing in Glasgow!! And I found it out just NOW!! I really want to go see them again (I got to see them live in April, 2011).. But first I have SO much to do, packing and shit. Plus I kind of already had plans for tomorrow. OMG this is so frustrating. Besides, it would be impossible to find someone to go with me... Gosh.. I have to try, I really, really want to go see them. I feel like an utter loser right now. Think girl, THINK!!!

Anywhore.
I'm packing since I will be moving down the street again, yet to another place. This does not seem good in any shape or form..But I don't have a choice right now.. rebghtaqrjy5k7uwtsjh
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dfzhrmtsku65wujtygafrtaey4qu4w7i55kujshrbfa
arjny75wkiuytjshfyrajk75

Sunday, 21 October 2012

Hunt

What happens when we cross the line? What happens when we do more than we have been allowed to? Is there going to be anyone to stop us? Will there really be any guards to stop me from what ever it is I'll do? There is no way of knowing unless we head beyond the boundaries. We have to do what people don't expect of us. I have to do what I don't even expect I would do. I have to smash the glass wall. It shall scatter across your world into countless pieces. It will exist no more. I shall keep secrets as always, but there will be things said and done.. Things that no one really saw coming. There is going to be change; and I am working on; I am preparing for it big time. I am creating a detailed plan, every step of my way is going to be planned to the finest detail. I know I will not follow the plan... But I also know that I'll have calculated all the probable outcomes. I will know how each step I make will change the outcome. To make it far more interesting - - - there is on outcome. There is juts the journey. It's the journey that cunts. It's the journey that matters.

Now you go on with your life, yeah, just do what ever it is you do. Or better yet, do something else, do something better... ;)

I shall be patient and wait for the right moment. I will be like a carnivore waiting in the bush for the right moment to attack. Shhhh.... Don't scare the prey away.


P.S. Guess who's birthday is today?? (Hint: There are two right answers. :P)

Saturday, 20 October 2012

I Believe In..

One day I shall write about my life. And then I shall decide where to start and where to end the story. However, until then I have decided to change my life (again), not crucially, but just a bit. Today I shall post about the things I believe in. Yes, I will not cram about the things that I dislike, or things I don't believe in. I will try to list some things, and then write what I mean by that.
Before I do that I'd like to state a stupidity that I have committed. I always wait for the dude to send me a text message. And it used to be that I was so silly and answered right away, and so placing myself in the same situation - the waiting area. But lately things have slightly changed. I still wait for the guy to send a message, but when he does, I ignore it. I knew I would ignore it in the first place, but I still wait for a something. Last night (a Friday, as you could have guessed anyway) one guy sent a text message. Quite frankly I didn't even see that one coming. But then somewhere between 3 and 4 am GUESS-WHO called. Of course I did not pick up. Was he trying to get back at me for that one time....... Or was he trying to get back at me for not replying to his last two messages? OR was he actually hoping to see me?? Either way, I am not going to do anything about it.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, I can list some things that I believe in.

First, and far most important thing, I believe in my twin brother. You'd maybe expect me to write family and friends or something of that sort. And you are probably wondering why I am picking out just one person of this so-called group. The reason is that I don't believe in nor my family, nor my friends. However, I do believe in my twin bro. Not because he has trouble believing in himself, but because I really think that he can do more that what he is doing right now. I believe in him because I know what kind of a person he is, and I know that when someone wants something real, real bad, they can achieve it. He simply has not understood what it is that he wants to aim for. It is possible that I believe in him just to some how keep believing in myself; all because at some level we are in the same place. And who knows, maybe it is cuz we are twins, or maybe it's the upbringing, or maybe it's all the possible factors added together. But we are both struggling, each due to different list of things.. And gosh, I know this person, I know the deepest corner of his heart. I know he is strong. I know he leads his life with love and passion (gosh, this sounds lame).. But that is the truth.

So we lead in to the next thing: I believe in the GOOD. Yes, the good. I believe that there are people on this planet who are not entirely self centered. I believe that some people in the world would die to save another being. Of course, there isn't only back and white (sometimes I forget this), we all have our vices, and our falling point. But some people simply care less about themselves and more about others (or someone else in specific). It really doesn't matter, as long as the person doesn't spend his/her entire life just concerning about himself/herself.. I lost the train of thought... OOooppsss. I believe in Santa Claus. :D

I believe in art, all forms of art really. Painting, sports, photography, dance, singing, cooking, crafts, visual arts, modern art, art of design, art of work, art of structure, art or anything a person can be good at, anything  that a person can do so good that it can be admired.

(I need to remember how to project my thoughts into decent sentences and paragraphs.)

I could list some more things, but I'll just go with one more.

I believe in good night sleep. ;)

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

"I'll be a killer whale when I grow up"

I'm all grown up now. Or not. Either way I have become a killer whale I am a terrible human being and I could not care less. A part of me actually wants to go home, but then I realize that I want to go back home to a home I used to have as a kid. I want all the old memories to resurface, and I want the future to be built upon dreams and imaginations. I hate change when it comes so suddenly. To be quite frank, change makes me sad and depresses me, which is why I like change. I have a vague, crazy plan in mind for le future.

I adore simplicity, it's something that I've never truly understood since I have a tendency to complicate every little thing.


blahhhhhh

Monday, 24 September 2012

Migrating Fox

It's been dull, rainy all day; just the way I love it. But I spent most of the day inside anyway. I was at work. It always sucks to go back to work after a holiday.. Even when the holidays aren't long (like mine, usually short and sweet!!). The days are getting shorter, it's already getting dark outside now, and it's just almost seven in the evening. It's poker night tonight. I don't really know why I keep attending poker nights. It seems so vague, so shallow and empty. But somehow they fill up an entire evening almost every week. Some part of all that experience even fuels me.. in a way that can not be explained. My holiday was so short, but it seems like I was gone for at least two weeks. I am so recharged, a part of me has reborn, and I feel like an entirely new being. I can feel my pulse, and I can feel myself living, rather than existing. But my job brings me down. To be straight forward, my job is depressing to it's last molecule. Every bit of it is plain sad. I try to be positive, but I realize how pathetic it feels. I live for little things, the things that step by step are losing meaning, step by step my priorities change. And I often find myself at a state where I do not care about anything at all. There are moments where nothing has meaning, I feel as if life is an empty shall that simply lies on the shore, waiting to be washed away. What is life really? Is it a game? Or is it a book, that has already been written? I don't know how I view the concept of life.

Life is fiction..

Is it?



Wicklow Mountains

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Wasp

Memories are scattered in my mind. I feel like a wasp that is trapped on the wrong side of the window. I feel like a part of me should not exists. I sense a constant struggle between myself and I. I do not know where the real world stops and where imagination starts. I really don't know how much of my life is real. Is anything really real? I'll keep living this post reality life, not because it is easier, it's really not. But because that is the only way I know how to survive. You can be a jealous cat, or an idiotic asshole, I really don't care. Nothing that You do can change the way I am. You may think otherwise, but here I am; I'm playing my game by my rules. You don't like something...well, sucks for you, cuz I could not care less. So go, kid, play.

Friday, 21 September 2012

DUBLIN

Yeah, my birthday times continue. I slept zero hours on the tuesday night. I could have, but I decided not to. I was busy listening to lame songs, and trying to find out what is there to see in Dublin. I also got a day tour on which I went on yesterday. That was great. Today I still have a few things to do, so I should really get going. My flight is tomorrow quite early, but today I shall go out!! :)
Hope it goes well!!!

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Crazy Stupid Me

Gosh. Where does common sense go?


"I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart"


Birthday Post #3 - Pāris Vārdos

Neizdevusies, bet garšīga kūka. Netīras zeķes. Dažādi vīni. Mīļa kompānija. Dāsni palīgi. Ziedi & rozes. Kaķis kastē uz kartiņas. Melna pele. Smieklīgi video. Vecas dziesmas. Jaunas dziesmas. Kāršu spēles. Smiekli līdz asarām. Patiesība. Galīgākais sviests. Vīns. Dzirkstošais vīns. Gardas trifeles. Zemenes. Avenes. Salāti. Mellenes. Siers. Vista marinādē. Grilēti dārzeņi. Neatbildēti zvani. Vēstules. Īsziņas. Internets. Pārsteigums. Laika soļi. 21LVL(līmenis). Savāda draudzība. Maz bilžu. Nepacietība. Nogurums un bauda.

Visā visumā patīkama diena. :))
Tagad varbūt nedaudz jāpaguļ, rīt jāceļās ap četriem, tas ir pēc biči vairāk kā četrām stundām. Līdz tam vēl jāizdomā ko darīšu Īrijā.

Eh, dažbīd dzīve tomēr ir forša. (:

Birthday Post #2

In the morning Inga greeted me with a card and a poem. The card has a super cute kitten on in!! That was really sweet. I lied in my bed for some time. But soon I got up and started my long day. First I had to decide what I need from the store. I had a list that me and Inga made yesterday, but I still needed to figure some things out. Went to Tesco, got everything from the list, and some other useless things. Haha. Got home. Made a simple berry "cake" and placed it in the freezer. Then I made the chocolate mixture for truffles. Divided it into three separate bowls; added strawberry jam to one, vanilla extract to the second one, and some Baileys to the third one. Then as my laundry was washing I grilled some vegetables, boiled the potatoes, peeled the onions, and made some cheese salad. Since the weather is surprisingly sunny, I took my clothes out to dry. Now I have finished making first two kinds of truffles. The vanilla ones I rolled into chocolate pieces, and the strawberry ones were covered with some cacao powder. The Baileys ones I shall cover with ground hazel nuts. Now I gotta figure out what to wear, do my nails, mix up the fresh salad, and clean up/tidy up the place. Then when Inga and Kaspars will be home we shall start preparing the chicken. And before tomorrow comes I have to decide how I'm getting to the airport, and I still have to do some travel planning for Dublin. Yeey me. Now I'm off to do some important shit.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Birthday Post #1

So it's 00:00 now; today is the 18th of September and it's my twin brothers birthday today. :D Yeah, not very original since I've said it before, but still, not many people can say that, right? :P Just got home from Poker Monday. Now I should get a good night rest because tomorrow is going to be a long day. Hopefully there will be more posts regarding my birthday, so keep your eyes open. :))

Friday, 14 September 2012

NADA

This is a nonexistent song. These words were never written and they will never be read. I don't remember your name or your face. Why would I even care? Even a bit? Who are you? Who are you to me? But yet there is a part of me that wished i knew more than the average person. I dislike you just because you are who you are. I dislike you because you're are what someone else intended you to be. I don't care for you at all. You can leave me all by myself or beg for my company; I really could not care less. You are a hole of emptiness to me... But at some level I still care. And somehow I wish all the best for you... That does not mean that it's what you deserve. You're still nothing. If I was to look up you're name in the dictionary, I'd find NOTHING!!! :P

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Where Are You Going?

Don't blame me; I'm a lost fool. I wonder places looking for something. What am I looking for? An adventure, I suppose. Well, obviously. But the thing is that I feel that I am looking for something else, but I can't put my finger on it. Or is it that I am simply running away from something, I want to get away. I always have been running from the present. No matter where I am, I always want to be elsewhere. Why is that? Don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question. I know what I'm running from. I can hear my own echo following me. Each sentence tells a story. Each sentence represents an eternity of confusion and insane minds. I shall miss the whole point of life, but I do not care.. At least I will have seen more than the average fool. I'm listening to old Eminem songs; I find myself thinking way too much again. I gotta learn from experience, when I over-thin things, nothing good happens.

Go and do, you fool. Just do it.

Monday, 10 September 2012

"I Think I'm moving, but I Go Nowhere"


One Republic
Stop and Stare


This town is colder now, I think it’s sick of us
It’s time to make our move, I’m shakin' off the rust
I’ve got my heart set on anywhere but here
I’m staring down myself, counting up the years

Steady hands just take the wheel
Every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see?

They’re tryin' to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could
Steady feet, don’t fail me now
I'm gonna run till you can’t walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I’m standing down

Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, you don’t need

What you need, what you need
What you need

Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
I’ve become what I can’t be
Oh, do you see what I see?

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Motivation as My Pet

Life changes. Ideas are born, and soon they die. What makes an idea sustainable? What is it that some ideas remain with the root in my mind, and then they never leave? How do they manage to stay there? I can't find anything that the few things have in common. What is it, that despite my laziness and procrastination some ideas just continue to flicker until they are realized. How is it that there really are things that I simply refuse to give up on, while there are other all sorts of thoughts going through my mind; bigger and smaller ones. How do I manage to not give up every time? Where do I find this mysterious strength, where is it created, and hoe does it breed. I need some of that food, the one that feeds creativity and motivation. What is it that makes the good things grow?

(yeah, just like the olden days...:/ ugh, memories)






Here's a small recap of my weekend that was nothing like me. Or was it. I don't even know who I am. But I like the part of me that gets out every now and then. Friday we got off work at decent time for once in a long time. I went home, and was well rested when I headed early to city center to meet my friend (aka mīļums). We had a few drinks here and there, and soon enough I was quite drunk. Therefore cheeky enough to send a text message to a certain someone. Because I had to write something that the guy HAD to reply to, I wrote something very brave (to say the least). Never the less the time flew by fast, and there were several cute guys at the last pub that we visited that evening. And, well, then later I met the certain someone. I had slept two hours that night. Then Saturday I went to a gym with one of my colleague. She had arranged for me to enjoy the gym as a guest. Spent about three hours at the gym; great warm up, toning up some muscles, and then we went for a swim. After that we went to a noodle place for lunch. Then I biked back home for a well deserved sleep. All in all it was a great day. Then work today, which was, of course not the best day (cuz my job sucks, big time). But Friday and Saturday went well, so that counts as having a good weekend. With the exception that I have understood that at times I'm a terrible person, big time.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

I. Want. You.

There are so many things to say, and yet they'll remain unsaid. There are so many things that I would want to do, that will remain undone. There are just too many words willing to fly right in your face. But I'll hold back, and not say a single word. There are too many memories that can not be erased. There are silly rules and laws. And then there is You. Someone who is there, and then you're gone again. You say one, but who the hell knows what you're thinking.
Too much's been said, so I shall stay silent for now. But one day we'll talk; face to face, heart to heart. We'll talk it all out, so there'll be nothing more to say. But deep down I know that no matter how we part, we'll find a way to see each other again and again and again.

Friday, 7 September 2012

Push

How about You give me the capital strength to travel far, far away. I don't need your money, I don't need your gifts. Just encourage me to go further than the sea. Further than the borders that I've laid out for myself. Give me the things I am unable to create myself. Give me motivation. Give me some kind of strength. I don't mean physical, I can torture myself to build up physical strength. But emotionally I'm a wreck, there is so little happiness, so little joy of life in me. It's like all I do is for some kind of other side of. For the small part of me that wishes life was different. I go places just for her. Sometimes I leave for some days so she can feel how it is to be alive. I hate that the small part of me that is human has to be trapped inside the depressing mind of mine. I deserve better; she deserves better. So just give me a small push, a tiny encouragement to go further.

Am I really asking for more than I deserve?



Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Slīkoņi

Mākoņi sakrīt jūrā; gluži kā sapņi, kas izslīd no veselā saprāta. Nepaliek ne laika, ne mūžības. Zem okeāna dzīlēm slēpjas ekstravaganti vaļi, kas sen izmiruši. Iznīkuši, vairs neeksistē. Mēs tos esam nopirkuši, tad izmetuši. Aizmirsuši. Atvadu skūpsts vēl paliek pie stikla lapas pielāpīts. Mēs plīstam. Mēs plīstam kā vārgi bērni, kas izsalkuši maizi zog. Logiem aizsalušas rūtis, pasaule paliek gluži balta - gluži neredzama. Pagalmā spalgā balsī tiek karinātas nošu zīmes un pamācošas melodijas. Mēs dungojam no priekiem, ka rītdiena var nepienākt. Sameklēsim izdzisušo pīpi un to iekursim no jauna. Nodedzināsim savus mežus, savas mājas. Tapsim miruši, un eksistēsim savu iedomu parodijās. Eksistēsim tāpēc kā tā ir vieglāk nekā dzīvot. Būsim bezalgas putni ar vistu spārniem. Apmaldīsimies un nemūžam mums nebūs uzzināt pareizo ceļu. Tu tik dziedi tās skaistās dziesmas, jo rītdiena tiešām var nepienākt. Lai mūžīgi līst remdenas lāses, lai krīt no beztermiņa mākoņiem. Lai loka pasauli savās kontūrās. Mēs iesim peldēt, mēs iesm slīkt.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Up All Night

I'll stay up all night. I'd do it for You, and You know it. I want to see the world, and I want You there by my side. Where are though northern lights? Where are though days that never end? Where are the never ending nights? I want to be filled with the wonder of the stars. I want to be filled with other people's thoughts. I want to get into your head. I want the wind to blow so hard that I fly away with the leaves. I want to disappear. I want to be like an animal, just live with the instinct of survival. I want to be free, not trapped. I want to live beyond. I want to do things that other people wouldn't dare to even think of. I want to try and I want to succeed. I want to prove them all that I can do more than they ever thought I could. I want to do it, and then rub right in to their faces. I want them to understand the ideas that lie deep beneath. I want them to believe in themselves. I want the human race to succeed. I want to learn the actual meaning of every word. I want to go higher. I want to feel my hear beat. I want You to encourage me, and need You to be there for me.

..Really, I simply want to succeed.

Sunday, 19 August 2012

Online

Is it fair on me that I am waiting for you to be online? Is it fair on anyone?
Sometimes I wonder how things would be if the past would not have been so complicated, so god damned doomed. No need for questions. I am the fool to even think if how things would be today.
..So I better play the safe mode. As much as I wish to talk to you about nonsense, I think it is smarter to just stay offline.

Now Playing: Brainstorm - Online

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Why I Will Not Text Back

I know that even if I really do message him back, I am going to be the one waiting on his response. And maaaan, it is a pain in ass to be forced to check your phone after every 5 minutes just to see that there are no new messages. Therefore I will not text him back. It's just not worth it.

Friday, 17 August 2012

The Hunger Games

Most people have probably heard about the hunger games; if not the book, then definitely the movie. I just finished watching the movie. The movie was directed by Gary Ross (the guy who also produced and co-wrote the Seabiscuit (2003)). As al had most any other movie that is based on a book, it had quite a few scenes missing, and some characters were cut out as well. But all in all the movie was enjoyable.
I have read all three parts of Suzanne Collin's Hunger Games ("The Hunger Games," "Catching Fire" and "Mockingjay"). The trilogy was a sure easy read and I tackled them in no time. I kept flipping page after page, eager to find out what new, unexpected events will excite me. It was something out of the ordinary, and if you ask me, it was definitely a commentary on our way of living. When I was reading these books some time ago, I remember there were lines that exactly proved my point. And now that I have gone back to find it, here it is. Keep in mind that the story of The Hunger Games is set in the future. Geographically it is based in what we now now as North America, the USA, to be precise. The quotation comes from the last book where the... oh wait, I don't want to spoil things for people who haven't read the books yet. So here it goes:
Frankly, our ancestors have nothing to brag about. I mean, look at the state they left us in, with the wars and the broken planet. Clearly, they didn't care about what would happen to the people who came after them. (p.99)
Some food for thoughts my friends.
Now back to the movie. The actress playing the main character, Katniss Everdeen, (Jennifer Lawrence) did an all right job. Clearly it was not how I saw it in my mind while reading, but it was fairly close. She had the most important characteristics that I noticed in the novel, that was braveness and bluntness. There were two characters that took me by surprise in the movie, they had been portrayed almost exactly like I had imagined them in my mind. First it was Effie Trinklet, she appeared with the blue everything. When I was reading about this character I felt like it was so over board, but then I got used to it. And later we learn that everyone in the Capitol (The 'capital' part of the country) dress like clowns, vaguely speaking. Then the second character that impressed me, and reminded me of the character that was described in the book was Peeta Mellark. He was just the boy I remembered, a cute, but in some way so confident young lad. Peeta's character made me enjoy the movie in a very different light, like watching from a whole new perspective, a simpler one, one that has very little meaning and underlying messages. He represented a simple story with no useless extensions.

Anywho, if You have not read the trilogy, I suggest you do. As I said, it is an easy read and is loaded with exciting turn of events.

Good night.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

Gamble

Isn't the entire life just one big gamble? I bet anyone would agree. You can't really know what life could offer you next. Sometimes you get some good cards, and you can go all-in in almost any situation with little, if any, risk. Other times you just gotta play your life with the cards that you get. You can either fold all the time, or you can play with what you get. There come times when you have to gamble when chances of "winning" are slim. There are times when the chances of winning slide right down, making your winning chances even lower. But the thing is that you really need to gamble. You will lose, and you will win. It just takes practice to learn from losses and from the wins. It takes skills, all sorts of skills to be able to bring the luck towards you. So really, life is not always about luck and chances. It's about playing. One once said, "You can't win if you don't play." There, so go and play the game called life. ;) Go all-in, fold, play, bluff....what ever you do do, remember that we all die anyway, so there isn't really a way to win this.
Just enjoy the game, gamers.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

Disgust

I am your child, for reality does not exist any more. I am a child of the wild when yet another world war is about to embark. I am an evil astronaut in a sky that will never forgive our sins. I will never let them take that what is mine, for there is already more injustice in the world than there is food on our tables. We believe in ghost stories and fairy-tales. We are monsters of the sea. You got it all wrong child. They are the ones who are hiding from us. We are stuck in simple, vulgar closets, unable to free our souls. We can not escape, trapped forever. Volcanoes burst into tears. The earth splits into several pieces. We have never been united. We have never been true and honest. Why do we even have these words? Why do we have symbols for things that do not exist? Why bother? Does it not make you sensible to see how things could be? Should-a, could-a, would-a.
You make me sick to my core. Every molecule of yours is filled with betrayal. You are an ogre. You disgust me. You make me want to vomit. I can feel my breath speeding up, my heart rate rising. I can sense my face filled with anger and fear. There will be no answers, there never were real questions. No one cares; you are disgraceful animals.




Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Love Hate

I hate going through old pictures. Reminds me of the olden days. The days when I thought life was difficult, if only I knew what was coming later on. I miss the recklessness, the carelessness. I miss being a child. Even though I still see myself as a child, the list of responsibilities has changed very much since when I actually was a child. It basically comes down to the crude basics, You know, I used to live under someone else's roof; I used to be fed. But now I have to make the so called important life decisions. It isn't even a choice thing, it's a must. I simply have to do what needs to be done. Plus, of course, I feed myself. I am no longer a pet. What an analogy!

Don't get me wrong, it is wonderful to live my own life. However, I strongly believe that I still need guidance. In my mind I really am just a child despite the fact that I am 20 yeas old (not for long though). I am a child even though I earn and spend my own money. I am a simple kid, a lost one, and in some way I never finished growing up. So how do I get that back? How can I lead myself when I don't know how it's done?

Blah woman, You make me sick. Grow a pair, will you?!

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

P for Promise

You don't have to do the things you promise to do. You always have a choice, a lot of choices, to be precise. I always choose to keep my promises, which is why I don't make them unless I am 99% sure that I will do it. I know I shouldn't expect others to treat promises the same way. It probably makes me an egocentric person that I want people to keep their promises. It annoys the hell out of me when people through the word around like it has no meaning. That's not right. I am sure that they simply assign a different meaning to this word than I do. In fact, I don't even know what the dictionary has to say about this. Let me check. (*Goes off to find the dictionary*) All right, I found my Collins English Dictionary.

Promise vb -ising, -ised 1 to say that one will definitely do or not do something: I promise I'll have it finished by the end of the week 2 to undertake to give (something to someone): he promised me a car for my birthday 3 to show signs of; seem likely: she promises to be a fine singer 4 to assure (someone) of the certainty of something: everything is fine, I promise you n 5 an undertaking to do or not to do something 6 indication of future success: a young player who shows great promise [Latin promissum a promise]

As it turns out, the actual meaning of the word is to definitely do (or not do) something, so my definition has been right all along. Too bad it makes zero difference at the given moment.

Monday, 6 August 2012

Where's my Fortune, You Fool?

There are moments when I am very unsure about my life. And there are times when these moments stretch into days, and even weeks. I begin to wonder where the heck am I heading? I don't have a destination. There is no place where I want to get to, nothing to aim for. Empty. I feel like nothing will ever make me feel happy, so I settle for what ever it is I have gotten. I lose the motivation to try harder. I rarely leave my comfort zone, almost never. I stay in this shell. It seems like it's huge, like the entire universe. But is it? I bet it actually is a tiny bubble, a space smaller than a two atom molecule. It's almost as if I do not exist.

Fuck me. I don't believe in myself.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Did You See My Sexy Socks?

My brain is empty. I was going to talk about some boring things that are new at work. But then I realized how empty that would be. I wrote the fist sentence (We got work shoes recently.) And it hit me, how boring my thoughts have become. Ugh. Depressing.

All that aside. This month (as my one-a-month-thing) I will be visiting some cities in Scotland. So every Saturday, at the lest, I will be out of Glasgow seeing something new and exciting. This week I will be going to Stirling. It is a nearby city, closer than Edinburgh. I hear they have a lovely castle there (like most places in Scotland :D), so I shall have a look at it. Plus there must be some other nice things to see.

Life has it's ups and downs. I was biking home Monday night (with my new bike) and thinking about my life and where I am at the moment. I felt sad and depressed. I felt like a loser. For the first time in a long time I felt like crying. It hadn't even occurred to me that I have been quite happy recently. I don't even know why, life sucks. But all in one I actually feel a lot lighter than ever before. Maybe I finally see hope, somehow, somewhere. Maybe I believe in myself. Maybe I believe that I have an actual plan. But do I? Is it all just an illusion, again? Hard to tell.

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Well, Well, Well

Yet another moth has come to it's dénouement. Summer is coming to an end. I wonder how people here in Scotland even get the sense of summer. For me the summer feeling has grown into me as I was growing up.  Me and my brothers would spend summers out of the city visiting relatives. We'd be eating fresh fruits and vegetables just picked from the garden. The school would be out for the entire summer. And naturally, you could feel that the temperature is higher, days were longer, and everyone would be our in summer clothes complaining about the unbearable heat. Plus it's the beach season, everyone goes swimming and tanning in the sun. However, here in Scotland things aren't as simple. As far as I know the school year here is longer. In begins earlier and ends later. (But somehow I get the feeling that they don't learn half as much as people elsewhere do.) The get some weeks of in the summer, but soon go back to school. Days remain cold, though they do appear to be longer, i.e. the sun stays above the horizon for a bit longer than in rest of the seasons. The grass stays green all year around. No one goes swimming and words 'natural' and 'tan' never come close to each other. It continues to rain 24/7, like any other season. The temperature remains low, and your body does not understand why fat storing season never ends *chuckle*. :D

Anyway, my point is that Scotland has no summer.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Game

I can not believe how some of the choices that I've made in my life have affected the way I feel about the world around me. It is ridiculous to see how the butterfly effect comes to life. It makes me want to do so much and so little at the same time. At one moment I am ready to take all the life's challenges, but then at other moments I simply wish I did nothing at all. Life really is like a game. We can play it actively and interact with everything that we come in contact with. Or we can choose to avoid as many things as we can. And then there is the middle road, choose to avoid only some things, and grab other's with all the strength possible. Life, eh?

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

June

I called my unicycle June because it was my June's one-a-month thing. :D

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Bring Me To Life

I used to feel this way many years ago. The feelings have begun to return. It is weird, bad and good at the same time. I did something stupid, again. Memories arise. They have grown old already, covered in wrinkles and dust. I had placed them in far corners of my mind, so to never greet them again. But here I am, flipping through them like a child flipping through the pages of a new colouring book; ready to attack with divine new colouring pens. I have no idea what I want.

I just exist. 





How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

Saturday, 23 June 2012

No, no, no!!!

I don't want anything. I can not recall a time when I literally did not want anything. I keep asking myself if I want the things that usually make me happy. And all my mind is yelling at me is NO NO NO!!! How do I stop this? How can I know what I want???

Going LOCO!!

Now Playing: Flo Rida ft. Sia - Wild Ones

Saturday, 16 June 2012

All this is mine

Every time I come in my room, I get a weird feeling. I think to my self: "All this stuff is mine." That's my bicycle standing right across of me. I have my laptop, my camera. I've got an exercise ball that I almost never use. That I almost never use. Most of the stuff that I have is things that I simply own, I just have them. I have books that I haven't even read. I have clothes that I have not worn in months. There's just too much  of everything. Too much. What for? What is stuff for? It makes me sick. It makes me sick to every pore of my body. I get goosebumps when thinking of this. What makes it even worse is that I can't throw things away. A part of me says that I will need this again some day. And, to be fair, I'm probably right. But who knows when that day will come. I have things. It makes me sick. I don't need most of them. What makes me sick even more is that there's people who haven't got a thing. There's people who wish they had a bed and clean bed sheets to sleep at night. There's pretty little girls and women in the world that would die to have at least one piece of jewellery, so that they could wear it to feel special. But do they need it? No. It is not a live-or-die necessity. Do they feel special anyway? What makes them feel special? Family? God? Religion? Traditions? Children? Money? Job? What makes YOU feel special? When was the last time you felt special?

I wish I had more. Not stuff, but wisdom. I wish I had the strength to be who I could be.

Not sure where I was going with this. Basically, I want to be able to stop buying material things.





All that aside, I believe I have decided what I want to do for my one-a-moth thing for June. The idea is to buy a big canvas, or just a simple BIG piece of paper (big meaning something like 2-3 m squared). Then buy some paint, some cheap stuff. AND then paint this big piece of space by using feet and hands. You know, kind of like letting things out of my system in a creative sort of way. Then I could stick this thing to a wall, or to the ceiling in my room. Or toss it out. It is the process that will matter. In most things in life the process is more important than the actual final result. Just something I like to think about.


Lately I've been thinking too much, again. About so many things that it would be even impossible to write it all down, not even in point form. Yeah.. So many things racing through my head all the time. I'm morally tired.

Thursday, 14 June 2012

Yuck

Food tastes like plastic. Most of the food here is tasteless, and well, it just doesn't tickle my fancy. Of course, I am to be blamed since I am too lazy to make any food, i.e. to cook an actual dinner. Lately I rely too much on ready-to-eat stuff, or on microwave foods. Can't help it, I am tired. Mostly it is emotional tiredness, it brings me down and makes me want nothing. Besides, here it is three times cheaper to get a ready meal than to cook one for your own. It is more expensive and time consuming to buy all the ingredients, put them together, cook, ... than to simply buy something where all you have to do is pop it into the microwave for a few minutes... AND BAM - dinner's ready!!


Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Latviets'

Tu vari man ticēt vai neticēt. Vari pats savas teorijas cilāt, bet fakts ir fakts. Kādu dienu Latvieši būs vēsture. Mūsu tauta būs izžuvusi upe. Kādu dienu cilvēki spriedelēs par to, kas latvieši bija, un kur viņi dzīvoja. Būs laiki, kad mūsu pēcteči vairs nezinās ne latviešu valodu, ne senos latviešu ticējumus. Viņi nezinās, kas ir Dziesmu Svētki, un viņiem nebūs ne jausmas kas ir latviešu tradīcijas un kultūra. Mūsu mazā valstiņa Baltijas Jūras krastā būs kā nostāsts. Cilvēkiem tas būs mīts, un neviens vairs nevarēs skaidri sacīt, vai tāda valsts patiešām ir bijusi. Latvijas vēsture būs vien izlasāma pasaules lielākās bibliotēkas mazākajā grāmatā. Nevienam vairs nerūpēs mūsu senču vēsture, tas ka bija laiki, kad latvieši savu valsti vērtēja augstāk par savu dzīvību. Neskaitāmās asaras, un litriem asiņu, kas lietas pār mūsu zemei būs kā mazs puteklītis piesārņotās pasaules okeānā. Nebūšu es. Nebūsi tu. Mēs nebūsim.

Līdz tam brīdim vēl ir laiks. Tas cik daudz laika mums ir atlicis, paliek mūsu pašu ziņā.

Ko daru es?
Ko dari tu?

Ko mēs darām?

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Dialog

-So are you gonna see that guy again?
-Which one? (:P)

Friday, 8 June 2012

You Dreamt My Dream

When all you've ever lived through seems like a dream it is almost impossible to breath. It is impossible to live the way you lived before. You realize that what you have now is your life and you can not simply live on the past. Yes, what you have lived through has created the person that you are today. However, you need to live for this very moment. It will later be a brick in your life. All the people you meet will mean little, since you might barely remember their names. But the thing is that they all have contributed to the creation that You are now. I am not sure as to what I am trying to say right now. OK, scratch that, I know what I am trying to say, I just don't want to admit it. .. Here it goes, I live too much in the past, and not so much in the present. Further more, I do not live in (or for) the future. I love new experiences, but I am weak and I can not let go of my past. It is gone, and I have let it go, but too often I just wish things were the same as they were back "then". When, I wonder, ... I don't know, sometimes I just wish things were different from what they are now. Sometimes I just wish that life was simple. But it never is, and never will be. I know it, but deep down I just wish for the easy road to be my road. Gosh this is so confusing. All because I don't want things to be the same.

I like change, but as some level I'm too scared of it.

Life, eh?

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Easy Livin'

It's not always easy to live like I do. I know it might seem as nothing hard, being reckless. But for me, as a person who still has some dignity, and sense of responsibility, it is not always easy to just do things, and think later (or not think at all). Yesterday was poker night at Bar Ten. I had not been to a game for a while now (even thought I had gone over there on a Monday anyway, just for a few drinks). I did well,just as I thought I would and placed second. After that some of us headed to the karaoke bar, where I finally saw/heard Gunta sing. I don't remember what she was singing though, something not too well-known. Blah, blah, blah, night went on, and things got out of hand. Hahaha, I did something that I shouldn't have done. It's the aftermath that kind of makes me want to stop being stupid. I really should learn to let it go. Some day I will be gone from Glasgow, and then I will simply remember that I had a really fun time. It will all be history. I got home at 8:05, and left for work at 8:20. At 8:30 I was rocking and rolling at work. My supervisor made a comment "Don't you just love being young?" of course, I agreed to this statement. :D

Anywhore, I am still only a human, and a part of me wishes yesterday never happened. But it did, so I'll take the best of it and live on with my odd life. 




Oh, and Friday night was pretty sick as well, but I can't really tell more that I already did.
Just saying.

Monday, 4 June 2012

Estimated Damage

Friday night I went to a friend's place. He was celebrating that her flat mate (also ex-girlfriend) had moved out. We ended up having a few drinks and playing table games (yeah, actual table games). most of us were up almost the entire night. Anyway, I stayed the night there, and then during the day I had finally gotten home. I was so tired that I locked up my bike downstairs, as I had done some times before. Sunday morning I had a bad gut-feeling. The moment I woke up I went straight to the window to peek at my bike. And then I was that the back wheel was up, and somehow shoved into the bushes. Then I decided that I should leave timely for work, just in case I'll have to walk. And right I was, the seat had been taken off the bike.

Once I got home from work I took the bike upstairs. I had also gotten the seat back, Kaspars saw that it was outside in the grass. Well, here is the full list of what the hooligans have done:
  • Pulled of the seat 
  • Took apart the brakes 
  • Turned around the light reflector 
  • Changed the speeds around 
  • Kicked about the wheels 
  • Punctured the tires 
  • Destroyed the lock

I got this bike for 30 pounds. Don't know if I should sell this one, give it away, or try to fix it, or just get a new one.

AND, YES, I do blame myself for leaving the bike outside. However, I am raging that people would just destroy someone else's property just for the sake of it. I secretly wish someone had rather stolen it. Because then there would at least be some use of it.

Life is life. Blah.

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Day by Day

We all have different times in life. We have the ones where we are down, sad, and feeling anything but useless. Times when we can't help others. Then, what is even more pathetic is that we can not even help ourselves. Right now my life feels like it's at a stop. Well, picture this, life is a bus ride. We ride from one end to another. So, taking this analogy, my life is at a bus stop. I am not entirely sure if I am a late bus, or if I am running ahead of the schedule, since there really is no schedule, but I AM AT A BUS STOP. I do not know where my bus is going, or where from it is coming, but I am here now, and to be honest, I am taking a lot out of it. I am at a bus stop of ignorance, of laziness, of parties, of the crazy-youth-days kind of things. And yeah, I am in a way jealous of my friends (a.k.a. ex-friends) that are at uni, studying, and pursuing their dreams, and developing their skills. But when I look at it from another perspective, when else will I be able to be stupid, and reckless? I believe it it possible to do all at once, but I really love not caring about consequences (well, in the short run anyway). Of course I too have a line, that I will never cross (i.e. braking the law, for instance). But for now, it is all right to party all night long, then go to work, then party the following night as well. It is fine because my job is shit (what else could it be), I care very little for it. People that I party with (at least most of them) are shallow pigs (yeah, i have learned to be a hypocrite) and I couldn't care less for what they think of me, since I will be leaving this god damned city anyway. Of course, the question is WHEN will I be leaving and to WHERE.

Anyway, for now I will be rude, mean, stupid, prudent, crazy, dumb, all-over-the place, careless.....etc.

But, hey, don't you worry, some day I will grow up. Just now yet, not yet. :P


Wednesday, 16 May 2012

What Did You Say?

I'm in Derry, Northern Ireland. It is great to get away every now and then. :D
Since there is not so much to see here, and I can't help not to be restless, I plan on going to Belfast for one day! Yay me. Haha.

Monday, 7 May 2012

Empty

I feel empty. As a bottle of a drunkard, as a hot desert, as a Christmas tree when the season is over. I feel like things could be different. I feel as if things should not be the way they are. I think some people assume that I'm strong, but really I'm just a weakling. They over-estimate me, and think that I am a wall of bricks that can take anything and never fall. What they do not know is that all that is left of me is a pile of debris. Every day I act. I carefully step on the stage and act out my role. Some days I'm the boring character that fills in the space. Other days I'm the lead, and everything is on my shoulders. There are day's when I am to be a lover, a lady, a partner. I also wear the mask of ugly, tired and mean. I follow a simple scenario, and that's how every day goes by. But they really should know that acting sometimes isn't so easy. There are times when I want the curtain to close and the lights to dim down so I can simply cry out the tears that dwell in my eyes.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

1st of May

It's yet another month of 2012. It would really be a pain in the arse if the world would end this year, though I would not be surprised. :D

My mom came to visit for a few days. That was very nice since I don't get to see her all that often. You know, me living in a different country and all. So we spent some time together, I skipped work, called in sick. Feel a bit bad for it, but my flat mate claims that I shouldn't be so worried, two days isn't the end of the world. She probably is right. However, I do not like this idea. People know that I would go to work unless I really was sick, that's probably because I was in work some weeks ago when I had a terrible, beyond terrible cold. But really, in the end of the day, it is none of their business why I wasn't at work. Maybe I have mental problems. LOL

Right not I'm having a five minute brake from writing another short story for my new blog. I like the idea that has grown in my head, but it isn't really coming out as it sounds in my head. That only indicates one thing - PRACTICE. I need to write, yup, just keep writing kiddo. Hehe.

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Ich weiß nicht

It's Mind-FUCK all over again. :@

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Cotton Eye Joe for the win

Vajadzētu katru dienu lēkāt un dancāt tā kā mēs ar Daigu vakar ņēmāmies! :D Svinējām Dāvida dzimšanas dienu. Dzērām Malibu kokteilīšus, ēdām kūku, klausījāmies mūzonu un dejojām kā vien varējām. Šīs trīs dziesmas būtu tā kā būtiskākie vakara elementi:

Monday, 16 April 2012

For the First Time

For the first time i've realized that i do not want to lie anymore. I don't want to lie to myself and i don't want to lie to others. Of course it does not mean that i'll be going around and telling the truth to everyone, but i will not lie when lying makes no sense. I think the most important part will be that i will try to not lie to myself. Maybe that's the thing that i should have changed a long time ago in my life. See, until now, i've 'partly' told the truth to myself, but now maybe things will change. Just maybe. :D

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Men

They want you to be honest. But they want you to lie. They fear the truth. They want you to be strong. They need you to be strong, because otherwise they wouldn't know how to handle you. You have to be strong, but never stronger than them. If you'll be stronger than them, they'll feel intimidated. But other times they deny that they need you to be strong, even though they know that they can't always be the best. They aim for it, and at most times you must make them believe that they really are the best. They have the funniest jokes, and best ideas. They have a great taste. But then You can't always agree to them, because they don't need you to be a dog, always at their feet. They need you to be yourself, and have some sort of opinion. They need you to replenish them, you have to make them complete. You must always look good. You can't wear make-up, but they like it when you're lips shimmer and you're eyes glow. But You are allowed to be ill, they like taking care of you, they want to feel needed. They want you to be special, because if you're special, it means that they are special too. You need to compliment him, but never more than they compliment you. You have to be independent, but sometimes rely on him. You have to trust him, even if you don't. You have to make him want you more every day. You have to be mysterious. You need to keep small secrets form him. He wants to feel like there is so much in you to discover, that he can spend his entire life just exploring you. You can not be shallow. You are to be smart. You have to be crazy, but polite and presentable. You have to be adventurous, but you also have to be a great cuddle buddy. You must be trustworthy, or the he will trust someone else, and never you.You have to give him his own space. You are to understand that he needs his friends to feel manly. He needs time when he can tell his friends how good you are. He also needs to complain about you. You are perfect, but he will find something that isn't the way he intended it to be. Maybe you ate too much cake. God forbid, too much cake IS a sin. You should keep healthy. But you can not be on a constant diet. he wants to share that pizza with you, and he would also love an occasional drink. You are to work out and keep fit, for him, and for yourself. You are to be beautiful inside-and-out. You can not forget that you need friends too. He wants you to have good-looking friends, but they can not be prettier than you. You should have your girls night out, but you are never to flirt with other men. You are to tell him where you go and later tell him how it went. But he does not care if your tights tear, he does not care what dress your friend was wearing. He cares that you were out of the house and having a good time. You also have to be a good cook, and he will expect that you keep the house clean. You need to wash his clothes, without asking him if these socks are dirty. He will wear them until someone tells him to take them off. 
At all time You are to remember that he is still a child, and he needs you to take care of him, but he can not feel like he is completely relying on you. But we all know that he would be lost without you.


You have to be perfect without being perfect.




OMG, I need to get a life ASAP!!! o.O

Saturday, 14 April 2012

I Used to be Happy

It's quite sad to read my old, old posts and realize that the problems I had then are nothing compared to what kind of problems I have now. I used to pretend that my life was miserable because some guy never talked to me, even though I never even took the effort to talk to him. It's funny how perspective in life changes. It's interesting how we grow regardless of the achievements. We simply grow because of age. We grow old. I suppose this is what the grown-ups talk about when You're a kid yourself. The tables have turned now. And now I have to be a grown-up and say that when I was a kid.... It's odd to grow up. I mean in a way we all remain as kids, but we are mature kids.

 We all are kids with experience.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Work

Rant. Now I will be ranting about my work. I am so fed up, I don't even know where to begin. Ok, I do know where to begin. Polish. The Polish at my work are a nightmare. For starters they work really slow, are unproductive. They chit-chat more than they actually work. Then the most annoying thing is that they've been living in an English-speaking country for so many years, but none of them can actually form even a simple sentence!!! How am I supposed to work with people who have absolutely zero knowledge of the English language? One of the supervisors in Polish as well. I do not know how long she has been living in Scotland, but she works at this place for more than five years (i know, wtf? right!), and she still hasn't learned simple grammar rules. Every sentence she says is wrong. To make it even better she sings along to the songs on the radio. She sings what she thinks are the right things, which is obviously wrong as hell. Oh god. To continue on the subject of Polish people, there is this fella at work who has a girlfriend (who also happens to work at the same place), but he keeps flirting with me every day. This is so annoying when i don't even find the lad attractive. Ugh.
Also at work there are the two guys that i used to live with, and they can get really annoying and stupid as well. Gosh.
Then there is the management. One of our managers almost never showers, and always stinks terribly. It's pure disgusting. The same man also gets some "excellent" ideas on a daily bases. The problem being that his ideas make our work harder. The other manager has absolutely no respect for other employees. He jokes a lot, that's not bad, of course, but often he crosses the line between funny and offensive.
Gosh I could go on and on about all the things I really dislike at my job. And to make things even better my last salary was missing the wage of a few hours. I went to the higher instances, and told them that I hope this will not happen again. HAhA. They said they would add those few pounds on my next wage slip. Ugh.


P.S. No more slogans.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Join the Party!

As it turns out vine is my happy drink.

I went to my poker-monday last night, and for the first tine at that bar I had vine. Despite the fact that I lost, I was happy all night long. A very fun night.

But what I really wanted to write is the fun of coincidences. You see, yesterday I was wearing this very cute dark green sweater/top, and then I put on a very neat necklace that looked very good with the sweater due to some matching colours. So I was playing poker and at one point i realized that I was wearing the top that my mom got for me from when she was in Italy, and the necklace that I was wearing was the one that my dad had gotten for me from when he was in Italy just very recently. I know it doesn't seem like anything to you. But i believe it's a very odd coincidence.

Meanwhile, I just keep writing. ;)

Saturday, 7 April 2012

Is it in You?

This might seem odd to you that I say this now, after having had this blog, for say, for quite a while now, but here it goes. I have decided that I will write. Writing will be my THING. You know when you're out and about people ask You, what do you do. And from now on my one definite answer will be that I write. I write. As of this emerges my thing for April. I have decided on one thing so far. I can not revile it to you, as I still remain a secretive person. However I can tell you that, if everything goes as planned, then my One-Thing-a-Month for April will be something related to writing.

Wish me luck and endurance, as I'm sure I'll need both. ;)

Happy Easter to everyone celebrating it.
Have a great evening, bye.

Friday, 30 March 2012

I'm Loving It

I think I should do something about my good old blog "Song of the Day". I hadn't posted anything for a very long time (since last years October) and so I shut the blog down. It still exists, but it's not available to the public. Today I've been going through the last few songs on that blog and I came across this beauty Sloan - Unkind. There is something in this song that I really enjoy. It could be the rhythm, or the melody, or the simple lyrics, i'm not sure, but I have been listening to it several times now, and i'm not bored of it (yet). About that blog, I was thinking that in stead of posting a new song every day, I could have a Song-of-the-Week kinda deal, sounds reasonable, and keeps the idea going. I shall think about it.

I have been having a nice week, I blame the unusually good weather. Sun in Scotland is a luxury!


Plus I have settled some important matters regarding something that has been bringing me down for a very, very long time. In a few months this thing will be out of my life for good! Can't wait.


One more thing, I can't figure out what I should do in April for my one-thing-a-month. In January I went to Paris, this was a great opportunity to get away from everything, even if it was just for three days. In February I went back home for a week. Had a chance to meet my family and friends. Plus I was there for dad's birthday, which is why I went home at that time in the first place. In March I finally went bungee jumping. This was amazing!!! Probably the best choice I have made in my life so far!! I believe that everyone should try this for what ever reason they want to, either to push new limits, fight the fear, or be brave, or what ever... JUST DO IT! Really, you will not regret this! So now April is around the corner, and I still don't know what I should do. I have vague ideas, but none of them are spot on ideas. **Pounders.**


All right my lovely muffins, time to follow the white rabbit. :D

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Life's Good

Life is a roller-coaster of love;

Mother.
Father.
Siblings.
Relatives.
Friends.
Games.
Adventure.
Youth.
Money.
Things.
Job.
Spouse.
Children.
Grandchildren.
 ..Memories.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Impossible is Nothing

Well here I am. I've proved myself wrong countless times, but I keep going. I need to find a hobby, something to do in my spare time. It has to be something useful. It must be something worthwhile. It has to be something. PerioD. Lately I feel empty. For the last year or so. I have to stop being boring, and start living.

 Of course the exception to this is last weekend when I went to Bungee Jump! :D HEHE




BYEEEEE :P

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Think Different*

Life has it's ups and downs. When You're really hight up, stakes are high, however, you can enjoy the moment and spoil yourself with satisfaction. When things are down, you feel terrible, like there is no end and nothing will ever be good. Luckily for you, the positive side of being down is that there is a less likely chance for you to fall even lower. When You've hit rock-bottom, you know that now you have nowhere else to go but UP. So either way, you must learn to stay positive regardless of your position on the fortune wheel.



*You might have noticed, or not. But in the last few posts the titles have been lines from songs.
Starting with "Thanks for the memories," this comes from a song of the Fall Out Boys. "It's the end of the world as we know it" is a title to an REM song. "Let go your hear, let go your head" is a line in David Grey's song "Babylon". "Šūpulī līgo lēni, dzelteni valodzēni" comes from a Ltavian song "Vālodzīte". "A seven nation army" is White Stripes' song. And the last post in february is titled "A moment's all it takes to say goodbye", this line can be found in the song that is listed at the end of that post.
...For the next few posts in titles I decided to put popular brand slogans. For this post it is Think Different it's Apple's slogan.
Take the best of it. If I ever try to convey a message, I never say it out clear. So there.


Bye now.

Friday, 24 February 2012

A Moment's All it Takes to Say Goodbye

I wish I had the courage to leave everything behind and (yet again) start anew. It would be difficult, unbearable, but I believe it would be worth it. Would it?

I know that it is very possible to pick myself up this very moment and do things that have actual meaning and reasonable consequences. What I mean is that I am doing very little to improve my current situation.

Bye now.


Now Playing - Zucchero feat. Ronan Keating - Il Volo (The Flight)

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

A Seven Nation Army Couldn't Hold Me Back

In life we face countless choices, often we pick the bad ones, other times we choose the great ones. The thing is that you can't always be sure which choice is the right one. Plus to make life even more difficult, there is no ONE right choice. In every situation there are several choices. Sometimes we get more of the ones that lead to a good conclusion, in other cases we are forced to choose one of the few lesser evils.

Any-who, a wise person once said something along the lines of "to be old and wise you first must be young and stupid." Interpret it which ever way you want, but I do want to point out that not all young-and-stupid will become old and/or wise.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Šūpulī līgo lēni, Dzelteni valodzēni.

Viss nāk un aiziet tālumā.

Bet ne vienmēr viss sākas no gala. Ir iespēja pārtraukt ciklus, vajag tikai ļoti gribēt un izvēlēties pareizo brīdi. Varbūt pietiek latviešiem nīkt un pūt? Varbūt ir vērts saņemties?

Tu nevari nogremdēt to, kas ir mans, tu nevari atņemt to, kas man pie ādas pieaudzis klāt.
Tu nevari bērnam atņemt māti. Tu nevari manus vārdus no mutes raut laukā.
Mana valoda ir kā nasta. Citreiz smaga, nepanesama.
Bet vispatīkamāk ir, kad tā viegla kā latvja dziesma, kas ausīs kūst.
Lai kur arī esi, tai skanot var justies kā mājas.

Es esmu latvietis un mūžam latviets' palikšu.


Skries mana vālodzīte,
Pakalnu klaigātāja.
Sauks mani atkal mājās,
Pasaules staigātāju. 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Tagad skan: "Viss nāk un aiziet tālumā" un "Vālodzīte"

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Let Go Your Heart, Let Go Your Head

I simply like the fact that if I keep things up the same way, you will never be able to fully understand what I'm thinking.


Who am I?

Thursday, 16 February 2012

It's the End of the World as We Know It

Every day a piece of You dies. A little, tiny piece of you suffocates, then disappears to never return again. About 50% of the time you die with it, and the idea that a part of you is gone brings you down. It keeps you back, it holds you behind and doesn't let you succeed, progress. So we end up as failures, as the injured souls, as the ones who lost the fight, when there wasn't one to begin with. It's much like a chicken - egg situation, or the nature-nurture debate. Despite what you want (or, in fact, what you need), a piece of you dies, and you are forced to accept it no matter what. If you don't, you're the loser!
The other 50% of the time it's a good thing that a part of you dies. We take it as a hint to move on, and so we do that. Often it might be something we were trying to get rid off in the first place, there fore you are satisfied and are able to move on. Either way, you must learn to leave certain things behind. In life everything changes. A wise guy once said that the only thing that is constant is change.

And so, because this is MY blog, and I WANT it to be all about ME! This is where I can be as selfish as I want and there ain't anyone who can judge me for it.. AND SO, my problem is that I'm scared to leave certain things of the past behind. I want to hold on to things as a security kind-of thing. I need my past to reassure that even when I fail miserably, I'll have my rescue boat right by my side. I'm a coward.

When I talk to You, I feel like I'm talking to a stranger. Suddenly everyone is a stranger. I'm a stranger to myself. I can't seem to put things together. I refuse to accept the reality.

I don't know how to live, I've lost it.

I exist.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Thanks for the memories

-Do you ever think?
-I think all the time.
-Really? What do you think about?
-Everything.
-If that would be true, then there wouldn't be coffee all over your table, floor, and your soul.
-What can I say, at least it's good coffee.


Moving is a pain in the ass. I'm not usedd to this place, this setting in general. Further more, as bad as I feel about it, I do not want to get used to this. Living with an other family is harder than I thought. Plus the hardest part is that I know these people, not that they are a family. That didn't come out right. Let's try again. The hardest part in moving in with a family that you know is not that they are a family, but that you know them. Who am I kidding, the family part is breaking my nerves as well. The KID! OMFG!! As much as I like their parents, and, to a certain extent, him (the child), he can be a real tourture. First of all him going to bed, for certain there will be tears and crying, i.e. your movie night - ruined. The child is a spoiled rat. From what I hear, the parent actions could be backed up with certain past events, and things that they all have gone throuh. But what is going on here is a bit TOO much. The kid gets a new toy every time anyone goes to a store. Most of the time it is something small, like a car, a new sword, etc. But for fucks sake, how is the child going to learn to live? Everytime he sheads a tear that he wants to go to the store, guess what happens? The family goes shopping. This kid, so far, has learned that to impress people you need new things. For example, a new scary mask to frighten people. Further more, as you probably imagined, it doesn't stop there. This kid has more shoes than his mother. Plus he eats dinner (or any other meal, for that matter) ONLY because he WILL get a sweet afterwards. If the kid sees a cartoon where someone is having a birthday party, the next day there is going to be a cake in the house. Thank god it's nothing specialy ordered.
Obviouusly the kid misses his gradparents and family that are back in Latvia, and he has no FrIeNdS, so parents try to compensate that by buying crazy amount of toys.

By the way, it's the classic story, the kid gets a new toy, he plays with it for a few minutes, an hour tops, and then it is forgotten.

Oh, and this kid has this thing, where he says "i don't like it" (it latvina, of course). He uses his cute voice and he tells it in a manner that makes it sound like he is in pain. When ever he says it (about 100 times a day), his parents drop everything an dgo right to him to find out what it is the kid dislikes, and then, no matter how redicilous the thing is, they try their best to defeat the obstacle. You might wonder what kind of things they are, well for instance, he might not like the toy in the happy meal that he got, or he got tired of the cartoon that he was screaming for five minutes ago..

Well, i'm done. It's my day, and I'm having the morning and afternoon only to myself. Watching old seasons of Two and a Half Men, THINKING about taking a shower, burning food and setting the fire detector off, spilling coffee everywhere, and missing important calls.

Yeah life is great!

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

You don't have to..

You don't have to be fabulous to make things happen; You simply have to be determined.



Sunday, 29 January 2012

C-o-n-f-u-s-e-d

I have no fucking clue as to what is going on in my head. I do not know what i want, my brain is an utter nightmare. None of my thoughts make sense. Everything is such a mess.

For all i understand, i need something new, a positive change so to speak. BUT WHAT???

Saturday, 28 January 2012

I Make it Happen

I made it to Paris. I had a good weekend in Edinburgh. And I WILL be moving before the end of next month. SO i'm kind of a winner here. :P

Friday, 27 January 2012

When I'm Gone

I will be moving down the street, so if you come looking for me, then you'll know where to find me. 

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Verdad

When ever we read/hear/see/listen (..) to someone else's experience we automatically assume that we know how the person experiencing it feels. We apply it to our own experience and somehow "we know how they feel". However, the reality is that very rarely (almost never) will you have had the same experience. Not only because even though situations may be similar to others EACH AND EVERY situation is different. There is no SAME experience only because the external factors are never ever the same. Second reason why you can never fully relate to others experience is that we all view things differently, i.e. from a different perspective, different lense. So next time someone is expressing their situation, don't say that you know how it is. Not only because it's annoying, but because you have no clue about how they feel.


THE END.

Just do it

Don't let things get you down. You are brave. You are an individual like no other. We all are born to do things we are best at. Set a goal and aim for it. It doesn't have to be anything impossible, it doesn't have to be beyong our universe (it may, if you wish so). Start by simple daily goals. Set a goal to meet a friend, or to write a letter to your grandmother. Set a goal to clean your room. ETC. Set bigger goals, like finishing university, moving to a different place. Learning a new skill. Getting a new job. Set life goals, grow old and have countless grandchildren. Fly around the world. Write a series of novels.

What ever your goal is, no matter if it's long term, or short term goal, set mini-goals that will help you acheive the final goal. For instance, if your short term goal is to clean your room, then break it up into smaller tasks. Cleaning off old papers, folding up clothes, washing dirty clothes, taking out garbage, dusting shelves, vacuming the floor, ...


BUT no matter how many GOLAS you set, no matter how big they are, the MOST IMPORTANT thing is to GET UP AND DO IT!!! You willl never achieve anything if you don't do anything.

Well, my goal today was to write a blog post, and here it goes. It wasn't that hard, was it? No!


Just do it!

Monday, 23 January 2012

Would You?

Dance with me the last dance. Would it be too much to ask? To be honest, I don't need it to be the last dance. In fact, you may dance all your life if you wish. Let's just dance tonight, you and me. We'll turn up the music, and forget the time. Let's dance tonight!

Would You go to the edge of the world with me? Would you go to Paris with me?




They say a picture is worth a thousand words.