What am I doing?

HOW I FEEL - ALL AT THE SAME TIME:

 

AND THIS: 

Letter

Dear,

It's hard to be here so far away from you. I am distancing myself, it's a defence mechanism, there is nothing I can do to stop it. When I'm with you, I'm there 100% and more. When we're together I embrace every second I'm there. I smile at you so much it hurts my cheeks. The day blends together with night, there is no time; it's just moments we get to spend together. 

I go through my day thinking about you. I wonder what I would be telling you now, or how I'd be playing with your hair. I fly away remembering how beautiful your kisses feel.

But then I trail away to reality - I'm here, and you're there - far away. And I wonder what you are doing, what you are not telling me, and what you are telling me. I wonder how tough is work for you, and how evil your boss is this day. I wonder how your family is doing. I wonder if all the things you tell me are true. I wonder about when I might see you again.. That is, of course, if I ever will see you again. I wonder how badly I want to see you smile. And then, again, I wonder if all that is the truth. 

I want to quit, and I want to leave it be. But then again, I don't want to hurt you (that is, if all what you say is the truth). I thought I could handle this, I thought it would be so much easier, but it's not. And as time goes by, it only becomes harder to bare. I want to smile when I think of you, but yet there is this tiny tear that meets the corners of my eyes. I dream for all the adventures we might be going on, but then I think of how I will back out on the last moment. I dream. Yes, lately you've even showed up in my dreams, and then I wake up all rested in the morning. I wake up well, but then I open my eyes and you're not there next to me. You're far, far away. 

I wish I had the strength to tell you this, because there are so very little things that are left unsaid. I feel well with you, and I feel like I can actually trust you. But then there are moments when doubt arises and it brings me to tears. Everything is so uncertain. 

But I will stay here, at times I'll be all for you, but other times I'll let a call from you go astray, even though hearing your voice is like a raindrop in a desert.

I'm here now, 

but I believe it will not be for long,

truly yours... 

To Build

I've realized one thing, and I know it's true. While I thought that my life was empty in Glasgow, it was the exact opposite. I had a real world, I had a life. I built so much and never realized it. I wanted more, and didn't even know what. I wanted something, while I had so much. I built a real life and then I simply left it all behind with no regrets, no nothing; I stood up and left to never look back. But here I am now realizing that I had more than I knew. How do I see it now? Because here I am on a blank page, and I'm realizing that I have to build everything anew, EVERYTHING! New job, new memories, new friends, new school, new relationships, new ideas, new ideals, new hobbies...... NEW FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!! When I think of all the time and effort I put into my previous life, I come to think if i will even have the strength to make it all happen. The environment here is very hostile, I thought I was coming home, but it doesn't feel like it. I have zero sense of belonging, I feel like in the wrong place... I feel like I'm just passing by, that this is not what I left everything behind for. This just can't be it. I'm paralysed, confused, out-of-space, I'm just not here; mentally I'm else where and I don't know where. I don't know where I belong, or even if there is a place where I belong.

Men

They want you to be honest. But they want you to lie. They fear the truth. They want you to be strong. They need you to be strong, because otherwise they wouldn't know how to handle you. You have to be strong, but never stronger than them. If you'll be stronger than them, they'll feel intimidated. But other times they deny that they need you to be strong, even though they know that they can't always be the best. They aim for it, and at most times you must make them believe that they really are the best. They have the funniest jokes, and best ideas. They have a great taste. But then You can't always agree to them, because they don't need you to be a dog, always at their feet. They need you to be yourself, and have some sort of opinion. They need you to replenish them, you have to make them complete. You must always look good. You can't wear make-up, but they like it when you're lips shimmer and you're eyes glow. But You are allowed to be ill, they like taking care of you, they want to feel needed. They want you to be special, because if you're special, it means that they are special too. You need to compliment him, but never more than they compliment you. You have to be independent, but sometimes rely on him. You have to trust him, even if you don't. You have to make him want you more every day. You have to be mysterious. You need to keep small secrets form him. He wants to feel like there is so much in you to discover, that he can spend his entire life just exploring you. You can not be shallow. You are to be smart. You have to be crazy, but polite and presentable. You have to be adventurous, but you also have to be a great cuddle buddy. You must be trustworthy, or the he will trust someone else, and never you.You have to give him his own space. You are to understand that he needs his friends to feel manly. He needs time when he can tell his friends how good you are. He also needs to complain about you. You are perfect, but he will find something that isn't the way he intended it to be. Maybe you ate too much cake. God forbid, too much cake IS a sin. You should keep healthy. But you can not be on a constant diet. he wants to share that pizza with you, and he would also love an occasional drink. You are to work out and keep fit, for him, and for yourself. You are to be beautiful inside-and-out. You can not forget that you need friends too. He wants you to have good-looking friends, but they can not be prettier than you. You should have your girls night out, but you are never to flirt with other men. You are to tell him where you go and later tell him how it went. But he does not care if your tights tear, he does not care what dress your friend was wearing. He cares that you were out of the house and having a good time. You also have to be a good cook, and he will expect that you keep the house clean. You need to wash his clothes, without asking him if these socks are dirty. He will wear them until someone tells him to take them off. 
At all time You are to remember that he is still a child, and he needs you to take care of him, but he can not feel like he is completely relying on you. But we all know that he would be lost without you.


You have to be perfect without being perfect.




OMG, I need to get a life ASAP!!! o.O