It's been dull, rainy all day; just the way I love it. But I spent most of the day inside anyway. I was at work. It always sucks to go back to work after a holiday.. Even when the holidays aren't long (like mine, usually short and sweet!!). The days are getting shorter, it's already getting dark outside now, and it's just almost seven in the evening. It's poker night tonight. I don't really know why I keep attending poker nights. It seems so vague, so shallow and empty. But somehow they fill up an entire evening almost every week. Some part of all that experience even fuels me.. in a way that can not be explained. My holiday was so short, but it seems like I was gone for at least two weeks. I am so recharged, a part of me has reborn, and I feel like an entirely new being. I can feel my pulse, and I can feel myself living, rather than existing. But my job brings me down. To be straight forward, my job is depressing to it's last molecule. Every bit of it is plain sad. I try to be positive, but I realize how pathetic it feels. I live for little things, the things that step by step are losing meaning, step by step my priorities change. And I often find myself at a state where I do not care about anything at all. There are moments where nothing has meaning, I feel as if life is an empty shall that simply lies on the shore, waiting to be washed away. What is life really? Is it a game? Or is it a book, that has already been written? I don't know how I view the concept of life.
Memories are scattered in my mind. I feel like a wasp that is trapped on the wrong side of the window. I feel like a part of me should not exists. I sense a constant struggle between myself and I. I do not know where the real world stops and where imagination starts. I really don't know how much of my life is real. Is anything really real? I'll keep living this post reality life, not because it is easier, it's really not. But because that is the only way I know how to survive. You can be a jealous cat, or an idiotic asshole, I really don't care. Nothing that You do can change the way I am. You may think otherwise, but here I am; I'm playing my game by my rules. You don't like something...well, sucks for you, cuz I could not care less. So go, kid, play.
Yeah, my birthday times continue. I slept zero hours on the tuesday night. I could have, but I decided not to. I was busy listening to lame songs, and trying to find out what is there to see in Dublin. I also got a day tour on which I went on yesterday. That was great. Today I still have a few things to do, so I should really get going. My flight is tomorrow quite early, but today I shall go out!! :)
Hope it goes well!!!
In the morning Inga greeted me with a card and a poem. The card has a super cute kitten on in!! That was really sweet. I lied in my bed for some time. But soon I got up and started my long day. First I had to decide what I need from the store. I had a list that me and Inga made yesterday, but I still needed to figure some things out. Went to Tesco, got everything from the list, and some other useless things. Haha. Got home. Made a simple berry "cake" and placed it in the freezer. Then I made the chocolate mixture for truffles. Divided it into three separate bowls; added strawberry jam to one, vanilla extract to the second one, and some Baileys to the third one. Then as my laundry was washing I grilled some vegetables, boiled the potatoes, peeled the onions, and made some cheese salad. Since the weather is surprisingly sunny, I took my clothes out to dry. Now I have finished making first two kinds of truffles. The vanilla ones I rolled into chocolate pieces, and the strawberry ones were covered with some cacao powder. The Baileys ones I shall cover with ground hazel nuts. Now I gotta figure out what to wear, do my nails, mix up the fresh salad, and clean up/tidy up the place. Then when Inga and Kaspars will be home we shall start preparing the chicken. And before tomorrow comes I have to decide how I'm getting to the airport, and I still have to do some travel planning for Dublin. Yeey me. Now I'm off to do some important shit.
So it's 00:00 now; today is the 18th of September and it's my twin brothers birthday today. :D Yeah, not very original since I've said it before, but still, not many people can say that, right? :P Just got home from Poker Monday. Now I should get a good night rest because tomorrow is going to be a long day. Hopefully there will be more posts regarding my birthday, so keep your eyes open. :))
This is a nonexistent song. These words were never written and they will never be read. I don't remember your name or your face. Why would I even care? Even a bit? Who are you? Who are you to me? But yet there is a part of me that wished i knew more than the average person. I dislike you just because you are who you are. I dislike you because you're are what someone else intended you to be. I don't care for you at all. You can leave me all by myself or beg for my company; I really could not care less. You are a hole of emptiness to me... But at some level I still care. And somehow I wish all the best for you... That does not mean that it's what you deserve. You're still nothing. If I was to look up you're name in the dictionary, I'd find NOTHING!!! :P
Don't blame me; I'm a lost fool. I wonder places looking for something. What am I looking for? An adventure, I suppose. Well, obviously. But the thing is that I feel that I am looking for something else, but I can't put my finger on it. Or is it that I am simply running away from something, I want to get away. I always have been running from the present. No matter where I am, I always want to be elsewhere. Why is that? Don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question. I know what I'm running from. I can hear my own echo following me. Each sentence tells a story. Each sentence represents an eternity of confusion and insane minds. I shall miss the whole point of life, but I do not care.. At least I will have seen more than the average fool. I'm listening to old Eminem songs; I find myself thinking way too much again. I gotta learn from experience, when I over-thin things, nothing good happens.
Life changes. Ideas are born, and soon they die. What makes an idea sustainable? What is it that some ideas remain with the root in my mind, and then they never leave? How do they manage to stay there? I can't find anything that the few things have in common. What is it, that despite my laziness and procrastination some ideas just continue to flicker until they are realized. How is it that there really are things that I simply refuse to give up on, while there are other all sorts of thoughts going through my mind; bigger and smaller ones. How do I manage to not give up every time? Where do I find this mysterious strength, where is it created, and hoe does it breed. I need some of that food, the one that feeds creativity and motivation. What is it that makes the good things grow?
(yeah, just like the olden days...:/ ugh, memories)
Here's a small recap of my weekend that was nothing like me. Or was it. I don't even know who I am. But I like the part of me that gets out every now and then. Friday we got off work at decent time for once in a long time. I went home, and was well rested when I headed early to city center to meet my friend (aka mīļums). We had a few drinks here and there, and soon enough I was quite drunk. Therefore cheeky enough to send a text message to a certain someone. Because I had to write something that the guy HAD to reply to, I wrote something very brave (to say the least). Never the less the time flew by fast, and there were several cute guys at the last pub that we visited that evening. And, well, then later I met the certain someone. I had slept two hours that night. Then Saturday I went to a gym with one of my colleague. She had arranged for me to enjoy the gym as a guest. Spent about three hours at the gym; great warm up, toning up some muscles, and then we went for a swim. After that we went to a noodle place for lunch. Then I biked back home for a well deserved sleep. All in all it was a great day. Then work today, which was, of course not the best day (cuz my job sucks, big time). But Friday and Saturday went well, so that counts as having a good weekend. With the exception that I have understood that at times I'm a terrible person, big time.
There are so many things to say, and yet they'll remain unsaid. There are so many things that I would want to do, that will remain undone. There are just too many words willing to fly right in your face. But I'll hold back, and not say a single word. There are too many memories that can not be erased. There are silly rules and laws. And then there is You. Someone who is there, and then you're gone again. You say one, but who the hell knows what you're thinking.
Too much's been said, so I shall stay silent for now. But one day we'll talk; face to face, heart to heart. We'll talk it all out, so there'll be nothing more to say. But deep down I know that no matter how we part, we'll find a way to see each other again and again and again.
How about You give me the capital strength to travel far, far away. I don't need your money, I don't need your gifts. Just encourage me to go further than the sea. Further than the borders that I've laid out for myself. Give me the things I am unable to create myself. Give me motivation. Give me some kind of strength. I don't mean physical, I can torture myself to build up physical strength. But emotionally I'm a wreck, there is so little happiness, so little joy of life in me. It's like all I do is for some kind of other side of. For the small part of me that wishes life was different. I go places just for her. Sometimes I leave for some days so she can feel how it is to be alive. I hate that the small part of me that is human has to be trapped inside the depressing mind of mine. I deserve better; she deserves better. So just give me a small push, a tiny encouragement to go further.
Mākoņi sakrīt jūrā; gluži kā sapņi, kas izslīd no veselā saprāta. Nepaliek ne laika, ne mūžības. Zem okeāna dzīlēm slēpjas ekstravaganti vaļi, kas sen izmiruši. Iznīkuši, vairs neeksistē. Mēs tos esam nopirkuši, tad izmetuši. Aizmirsuši. Atvadu skūpsts vēl paliek pie stikla lapas pielāpīts. Mēs plīstam. Mēs plīstam kā vārgi bērni, kas izsalkuši maizi zog. Logiem aizsalušas rūtis, pasaule paliek gluži balta - gluži neredzama. Pagalmā spalgā balsī tiek karinātas nošu zīmes un pamācošas melodijas. Mēs dungojam no priekiem, ka rītdiena var nepienākt. Sameklēsim izdzisušo pīpi un to iekursim no jauna. Nodedzināsim savus mežus, savas mājas. Tapsim miruši, un eksistēsim savu iedomu parodijās. Eksistēsim tāpēc kā tā ir vieglāk nekā dzīvot. Būsim bezalgas putni ar vistu spārniem. Apmaldīsimies un nemūžam mums nebūs uzzināt pareizo ceļu. Tu tik dziedi tās skaistās dziesmas, jo rītdiena tiešām var nepienākt. Lai mūžīgi līst remdenas lāses, lai krīt no beztermiņa mākoņiem. Lai loka pasauli savās kontūrās. Mēs iesim peldēt, mēs iesm slīkt.