Mēs katrs dzīvojam ar sava veida abziņu, piemēram, es esmu latvietis. Nu redz, gandrīz mēnesi būšo nomācījusies Latvijas Univeristātē. Tas ko māca LU ir, ka tu, es, viņš un viņa, mēs visi esam Eiropas iedzīvotāji. Nepareizi, ne Eiropas, bet gan Eiropas Savienības (ES) pilsonis. Man tas šķiet nedaudz jancīgi, es tomēr jūtos vairāk kā Latvietis. Un nākamais līmenis, es esmu pasaules iedzīvotājs. Viss tomēr ir šobrīd un uz doto brīdi. Labi, Latvija ilgi nepastāvēs. Un Eiropas Savienībā arī nebūs uz visiem laikiem, mūžīgi mūžos enter. Jā, pasaule ar nebūs mūžīga, bet jebkurā gadījumā tā pastāvēs ilgāk. Un tas tomēr nav godīgi vērtēt Eiropas Savienības valstis augstāk par citām pasaules valstīm.
Man arī neliekās, ka citās ES dalībvalstīs izglītības iestādēs tik ļoti skalo smadzenes par ES.
Personīgi, man liekas, ka mēs (Latvija) paliekam pārāk atkarīgi no ES. Kādu dienu, kad tā sabruks, vai atbalsts vienkārši vairs nebūs, mēs jutīsimies kā pamests zīdainis.
Kāpēc Latvijai mūždien jābūt no kāda atkarīgai? Kāpēc esam tik vāji???
Friday 27 September 2013
Saturday 21 September 2013
Tuesday 17 September 2013
I'm Tired
I'm tired of feeling this way, so it shall come to an end. I will no longer care. I'm tired of making same mistakes over and over again. I'm tired of being wrong when I knew the right answer, but never was brave enough to say it out loud. I don't want to just get by. I want to live. And I want to risk even more, I want to dare even more, I want to do more. I want to surprise people. No. I don't care about that, not really. I want to surprise myself. I want to do things that I never even thought of. I want to set my expectations at a reasonable height, so it's not too easy, and so it's not too high, and I don't give up without even trying.
I want to prove myself wrong, I want to crash my own ideas, and create a whole new way of thinking. I want to change my mind. I'm tired, bored of myself. The unpredictability has become predictable.
I don't like your face. Go away!
I want to prove myself wrong, I want to crash my own ideas, and create a whole new way of thinking. I want to change my mind. I'm tired, bored of myself. The unpredictability has become predictable.
I don't like your face. Go away!
Saturday 14 September 2013
Shh, Don't Say a Thing
Her voice was still low, she was quiet, she was about to tell a secret. The silence was daunting, but somehow relaxing. It reminded her that her secret might me kept, and it might not be heard by the world. The room was dim, there were no windows, and just the one door through which she entered. The room was small, it had a round table and some chairs placed around it. There were also a chair in two corners of the room. She sat opposite of the door, at the table. The table was empty, it was unstable, and so was the chair that she sat on. It was hard to stay balanced, she thought she'll fall any moment now. But there she was, hanging in there.
She could hear a weak melody playing somewhere far away. There was no way of determining whether it was played live, or if it was a record playing. She could't even tell the genre of the song, or what instruments had created the piece, but she could hear it, and she knew it was there.
She felt like a rag-doll, worn-out, tired, over-used, and very confused. She was not sure what she was doing in this small room. But deep down she knew, she knew she was here about the secret, she wanted to share her secret. She gulped a huge junk of air, a boulder was still there, stuck in her throat, as if pulling her back from what she was about to do. But despite all, she had to, she needed the weight somehow lifted of off her, at least some part of it.
She then did it, she silently said the words that were burning her mind and her soul. She put them out there, and it felt as if she struck herself with a dagger. Tears stared to poor down her face as if blood was pooling under a never-healing wound. She felt so much pain that it could not be measured in any form, it was passed any scale, it was passed any weight measure, the pressure was squeezing every drop of life she still had in her. She had said those few words that she was meaning to tell someone.
Her eyes gently scanned the room. Through her never-ending river of tears she tried to see what had changed, what had happened.
But there she was
all alone in a small room
sitting on a broken chair
at an old, round table.
Secrets are no longer secrets if shared.
The girls heart is wounded, and she will never be able to fix it.
She picked herself up, in the pace of the fading melody she moved her body across the room to the door, then she left the room.
And it was as if she had never been there.
She could hear a weak melody playing somewhere far away. There was no way of determining whether it was played live, or if it was a record playing. She could't even tell the genre of the song, or what instruments had created the piece, but she could hear it, and she knew it was there.
She felt like a rag-doll, worn-out, tired, over-used, and very confused. She was not sure what she was doing in this small room. But deep down she knew, she knew she was here about the secret, she wanted to share her secret. She gulped a huge junk of air, a boulder was still there, stuck in her throat, as if pulling her back from what she was about to do. But despite all, she had to, she needed the weight somehow lifted of off her, at least some part of it.
She then did it, she silently said the words that were burning her mind and her soul. She put them out there, and it felt as if she struck herself with a dagger. Tears stared to poor down her face as if blood was pooling under a never-healing wound. She felt so much pain that it could not be measured in any form, it was passed any scale, it was passed any weight measure, the pressure was squeezing every drop of life she still had in her. She had said those few words that she was meaning to tell someone.
Her eyes gently scanned the room. Through her never-ending river of tears she tried to see what had changed, what had happened.
But there she was
all alone in a small room
sitting on a broken chair
at an old, round table.
Secrets are no longer secrets if shared.
The girls heart is wounded, and she will never be able to fix it.
She picked herself up, in the pace of the fading melody she moved her body across the room to the door, then she left the room.
And it was as if she had never been there.
Wednesday 11 September 2013
Am I Alone?
I feel as if I'm the only one who thinks as I do. I am alone, in my mind, in my thoughts, and in my behaviour and actions, I'm always alone. I'm lucky if I'm able to keep up a conversation for more than ten minutes. Usually my mind drifts off into a totally different direction, and most are never able to follow my train of thoughts.
I can't talk about myself for long, and I can't talk about someone else for long either. People bore me, I find human lives boring, repetitive, blank, empty, predictable, just BLAH! Humans are like a worn out sock - smelly.. and everything but desirable.
Culture, places, travel, history, future, traditions... etc on the other hand are things that are worth spending words for. Those are things that I like to talk about, and even more so, I love listening about these things. They are rich and mind fulfilling.
For instance, I was talking to some peeps at university, and from our study subjects we fast moved to talking about other peeps in our group. And one sentence was enough, I was lost in the conversation. I mean, who the f*** (excuse my language) cares what the girl with black hair was wearing the other day??? I mean, seriously??? Do people really inspect such things?? I don't mind saying nice things though, you know, if someone looks really nice, as in WOW nice, then it is ok to point it out. But if some other person is wearing something you don't like, there is no need to advertise it to other people. What is even more annoying, the people who have zero own opinion will automatically agree with you (or so they will say). There is another things, people should grow some balls, really, grow a pair, and make up your own opinion.
I can't talk about myself for long, and I can't talk about someone else for long either. People bore me, I find human lives boring, repetitive, blank, empty, predictable, just BLAH! Humans are like a worn out sock - smelly.. and everything but desirable.
Culture, places, travel, history, future, traditions... etc on the other hand are things that are worth spending words for. Those are things that I like to talk about, and even more so, I love listening about these things. They are rich and mind fulfilling.
For instance, I was talking to some peeps at university, and from our study subjects we fast moved to talking about other peeps in our group. And one sentence was enough, I was lost in the conversation. I mean, who the f*** (excuse my language) cares what the girl with black hair was wearing the other day??? I mean, seriously??? Do people really inspect such things?? I don't mind saying nice things though, you know, if someone looks really nice, as in WOW nice, then it is ok to point it out. But if some other person is wearing something you don't like, there is no need to advertise it to other people. What is even more annoying, the people who have zero own opinion will automatically agree with you (or so they will say). There is another things, people should grow some balls, really, grow a pair, and make up your own opinion.
Friday 6 September 2013
Trešā persona
Kādu rītu es pamodīšos un viss šķitīs kā sapnis. Viss tas, ko dzīvē esmu piedzīvojusi, liksies kā kaut kas ārzemju pasakā izlasīts.
Bet, ja godīgi, tad jau tagad, kad cilvēkiem stāstu, kas esmu, no kurienes nāku un caur kurieni esmu gājusi, es jūtos, ka runāju par kādu trešo personu. Es stāstu par sevi kā par kādu citu cilvēku, kuru gluži vienkārši esmu ļoti labi iepazinusi. Es atstāstu kādu nesen izlasītu grāmatu, vai filmu, kuru šobrīd rāda lielā kinoteātra mazākajā zālē. Es esmu te. Un es sevi prezentēju kā būtni, kas nu tā, starp citu kaut kur ir un kaut ko dara (vai varbūt nedara neko).
Un tad man paliek žēl par to, ka daudz, jo daudz lietu, domu un notikumu paliek nepateikti, nepierakstīti. Tas viss paliek domu vācelītē, laikam slīdot pa garajiem dzīves gaiteņiem to visu norij zemapziņa, absolūti nekas pāri nepaliek.
Kad jūtos savādi, vai kad jūtos kā vēl nekad, gribas vaicāt kādam, vai tu zini kā tas ir..? Un nereti es tā arī daru, cenšos cik vien iespējams sīki un detalizēti izstāstīt kā jūtos, un uzreiz vaicāju, vai tev ar tā ir bijis? Mani sen jau vairs nepārsteidz tas, ka neviens mani neizprot, cilvēki parasti lūr uz mani kā uz kādu, kas no citas planētas nokritis (un pa ceļam smagi apsities). Viņiem nav ne mazākās nojausmas, un līdz ar to es arī zinu, ka atrast kādu līdz-domātāju ir praktiski neiespējami. Tas izklausās visai skumji, — bet tā nav, gluži pretēji! Tas gluži vienkārši nozīmē, ka piedzīvoju ko vēl nebijušu! I feel special, and so BITE ME! Tā nu tas ir.
Es jau tagad pārlasot kādus sava emuāra rakstus jūtos it kā lidotu cauri notikumu jūrai, tad vēl atminos kā man tanī brīdī ir gājis, kādi uztraukumi bijuši, un kādi prieki bijuši. Un, ja tā padomāju, tad saprotu cik daudz dzīvē ir bijušas neskaidrības par notiekošo, par to, kas notiks un, to kas bijis. Tik daudz dzīvē mainās sekunžu simtdaļā un rezultātā mainās visa turpmākā dzīve. Tas var būt kādas vienkāršas idejas dzimšana, vai kāds notikums vispasaules politikā. Viss tas, ko daru, balansējas uz adatas paša gala. Dzīve ir tik koša un daudzpusīga, ka ir tik viegli iedomāties par to, kā būtu, ja būtu. Dažreiz pat ir patīkami ar laivu izpeldēt cauri ideju ielejām.
Bet visforšāk ir tad, ka es saprotu, ka dzīve ir ieslīdējusi pareizajās sliedēs. Tas, protams, nenozīmē, ka ja lietas būtu citādi, tad būti slikti, vai nepareizi; tas nozīmē, ka patreiz esmu apmierināta ar izvēlēm, ko esmu veikusi. Un, ja ir kaut kas, kas neapmierina, esmu iemācījusies ar to sadzīvot. Viss ir labi, viegli, un ir arī grūti, un kopsavilkums ir visai pozitīvs.
Un tagad, es spiedīšu publish, un varbūt kāds pat šo rakstu izlasīs, un nedod dievs, priecāsies par mani. Bet visticamāk, tas ieslīdēs nebūtībā, bet būs vismaz pierakstīts.. Kādu dienu, kad man varbūt būs skumji, es šo pārlasīšu un vismaz uz īsu brīdi būs labi. Būs prieks, un es sapratīšu, ka viss, gan labais gan sliktais, nāk un iet, dzīve konstanti mainās.
Bet, ja godīgi, tad jau tagad, kad cilvēkiem stāstu, kas esmu, no kurienes nāku un caur kurieni esmu gājusi, es jūtos, ka runāju par kādu trešo personu. Es stāstu par sevi kā par kādu citu cilvēku, kuru gluži vienkārši esmu ļoti labi iepazinusi. Es atstāstu kādu nesen izlasītu grāmatu, vai filmu, kuru šobrīd rāda lielā kinoteātra mazākajā zālē. Es esmu te. Un es sevi prezentēju kā būtni, kas nu tā, starp citu kaut kur ir un kaut ko dara (vai varbūt nedara neko).
Un tad man paliek žēl par to, ka daudz, jo daudz lietu, domu un notikumu paliek nepateikti, nepierakstīti. Tas viss paliek domu vācelītē, laikam slīdot pa garajiem dzīves gaiteņiem to visu norij zemapziņa, absolūti nekas pāri nepaliek.
Kad jūtos savādi, vai kad jūtos kā vēl nekad, gribas vaicāt kādam, vai tu zini kā tas ir..? Un nereti es tā arī daru, cenšos cik vien iespējams sīki un detalizēti izstāstīt kā jūtos, un uzreiz vaicāju, vai tev ar tā ir bijis? Mani sen jau vairs nepārsteidz tas, ka neviens mani neizprot, cilvēki parasti lūr uz mani kā uz kādu, kas no citas planētas nokritis (un pa ceļam smagi apsities). Viņiem nav ne mazākās nojausmas, un līdz ar to es arī zinu, ka atrast kādu līdz-domātāju ir praktiski neiespējami. Tas izklausās visai skumji, — bet tā nav, gluži pretēji! Tas gluži vienkārši nozīmē, ka piedzīvoju ko vēl nebijušu! I feel special, and so BITE ME! Tā nu tas ir.
Es jau tagad pārlasot kādus sava emuāra rakstus jūtos it kā lidotu cauri notikumu jūrai, tad vēl atminos kā man tanī brīdī ir gājis, kādi uztraukumi bijuši, un kādi prieki bijuši. Un, ja tā padomāju, tad saprotu cik daudz dzīvē ir bijušas neskaidrības par notiekošo, par to, kas notiks un, to kas bijis. Tik daudz dzīvē mainās sekunžu simtdaļā un rezultātā mainās visa turpmākā dzīve. Tas var būt kādas vienkāršas idejas dzimšana, vai kāds notikums vispasaules politikā. Viss tas, ko daru, balansējas uz adatas paša gala. Dzīve ir tik koša un daudzpusīga, ka ir tik viegli iedomāties par to, kā būtu, ja būtu. Dažreiz pat ir patīkami ar laivu izpeldēt cauri ideju ielejām.
Bet visforšāk ir tad, ka es saprotu, ka dzīve ir ieslīdējusi pareizajās sliedēs. Tas, protams, nenozīmē, ka ja lietas būtu citādi, tad būti slikti, vai nepareizi; tas nozīmē, ka patreiz esmu apmierināta ar izvēlēm, ko esmu veikusi. Un, ja ir kaut kas, kas neapmierina, esmu iemācījusies ar to sadzīvot. Viss ir labi, viegli, un ir arī grūti, un kopsavilkums ir visai pozitīvs.
Un tagad, es spiedīšu publish, un varbūt kāds pat šo rakstu izlasīs, un nedod dievs, priecāsies par mani. Bet visticamāk, tas ieslīdēs nebūtībā, bet būs vismaz pierakstīts.. Kādu dienu, kad man varbūt būs skumji, es šo pārlasīšu un vismaz uz īsu brīdi būs labi. Būs prieks, un es sapratīšu, ka viss, gan labais gan sliktais, nāk un iet, dzīve konstanti mainās.
Wednesday 4 September 2013
Change, Change, Change, and Again CHANGE
I'm not talking about the change you get when you pay with a bill for something that is worth less and then you get change back. And I am not talking about me changing, I've talked about that a lot before, but not now...well not really.
Summer has just slipped through my fingers. It was so much to hold, so much to bare, and so much to live with (now). But now summer is over. It is over length wise, since I've been celebrating summer ever since I quit my job in Scotland. And if anyone knows, that happened at the near-end of May (!!!).
I then had my amazing cycling trip, which has so far been the best choice I've made in my life. I gained more than I ever expected to gain from such a trip. Some things to mention, I challenged myself; it was a real physical and mental challenge. I met some really amazing people, and a great diversity of people. I got to stay with people and see how things differ between neighbouring countries in Europe. I had plenty of me-time, I had time to think, I had time to worry, and most important, I had time to be happy!
Once I arrived home I had to change my point of view, I had to change who I was. I had been living totally independently for the last two years, and I had been living away from everyone I knew for three years. So now I had to adjust to a different life, I was (am) now dependant on other people, and as I am present here I have much different expectations from other people. I celebrated Latvian midsummer, got to see Song and Dance festival events, I met people that I hadn't seen in a while, I went places where I hadn't been, I got a job in a hotel... AND I signed up for university and luckily got accepted into Sociology!
Then August came and I was yet again set free (by none other than myself) to go on another trip. This one was of a much different nature, and I did not travel alone. I went with a friend-of-a-friend and we went on a hitchhiking trip through several countries. We begun our trip by taking a plane to Milan. From there we went to Slovenia, Austria, Slovakia, Hungary, Ukraine, Poland, Lithuania, and eventually back to Latvia. This trip took us two weeks and two days. It was, again, a really nice trip. I got to see places where I had been when I was younger, I got to see places where I had not yet been, and I got to see roads that I had cycled not too long ago. It was a diverse trip, we had ups and downs along the way, but all in all, we were happy. We had no terrible accidents along the way, and no life threatening situations. We met some folks that we might see again someday.
When I arrived back to Riga, I hosted some people from couch surfing. That, of course, again, was new for me, a very interesting experience to be the host, not the surfer. I showed people the city, we had some drinks, and I cooked some meals. I also met a special person that changed a part of me, or should I say he changed the way I see certain things. It was a very happy and sad encounter - an all-in-one, if you may.. It was great! I got back to work, went to theatre, met people, went out of the city couple of times, participated in Latvia's Universities student celebration...
And now it is September. I have yet again begun school. It has just begun and I feel like I'll like it, I might even love it! I know how to manage my time, and I know what to do to get good grades, and how to learn as much as humanly possible.. now it is simply up to me to use all the previous experience and knowledge for my own advantage, and then things will keep up, things will be good again. I'll be a busy bird, and in my experience, the more I have to do, the more I get done. So yeah, you want me to do something, sure, no probs, BRING IT ON!!!
So that's my amazing summer in a summary... but I could honestly write an entire book about the last few months!
Summer has just slipped through my fingers. It was so much to hold, so much to bare, and so much to live with (now). But now summer is over. It is over length wise, since I've been celebrating summer ever since I quit my job in Scotland. And if anyone knows, that happened at the near-end of May (!!!).
I then had my amazing cycling trip, which has so far been the best choice I've made in my life. I gained more than I ever expected to gain from such a trip. Some things to mention, I challenged myself; it was a real physical and mental challenge. I met some really amazing people, and a great diversity of people. I got to stay with people and see how things differ between neighbouring countries in Europe. I had plenty of me-time, I had time to think, I had time to worry, and most important, I had time to be happy!
Once I arrived home I had to change my point of view, I had to change who I was. I had been living totally independently for the last two years, and I had been living away from everyone I knew for three years. So now I had to adjust to a different life, I was (am) now dependant on other people, and as I am present here I have much different expectations from other people. I celebrated Latvian midsummer, got to see Song and Dance festival events, I met people that I hadn't seen in a while, I went places where I hadn't been, I got a job in a hotel... AND I signed up for university and luckily got accepted into Sociology!
Then August came and I was yet again set free (by none other than myself) to go on another trip. This one was of a much different nature, and I did not travel alone. I went with a friend-of-a-friend and we went on a hitchhiking trip through several countries. We begun our trip by taking a plane to Milan. From there we went to Slovenia, Austria, Slovakia, Hungary, Ukraine, Poland, Lithuania, and eventually back to Latvia. This trip took us two weeks and two days. It was, again, a really nice trip. I got to see places where I had been when I was younger, I got to see places where I had not yet been, and I got to see roads that I had cycled not too long ago. It was a diverse trip, we had ups and downs along the way, but all in all, we were happy. We had no terrible accidents along the way, and no life threatening situations. We met some folks that we might see again someday.
When I arrived back to Riga, I hosted some people from couch surfing. That, of course, again, was new for me, a very interesting experience to be the host, not the surfer. I showed people the city, we had some drinks, and I cooked some meals. I also met a special person that changed a part of me, or should I say he changed the way I see certain things. It was a very happy and sad encounter - an all-in-one, if you may.. It was great! I got back to work, went to theatre, met people, went out of the city couple of times, participated in Latvia's Universities student celebration...
And now it is September. I have yet again begun school. It has just begun and I feel like I'll like it, I might even love it! I know how to manage my time, and I know what to do to get good grades, and how to learn as much as humanly possible.. now it is simply up to me to use all the previous experience and knowledge for my own advantage, and then things will keep up, things will be good again. I'll be a busy bird, and in my experience, the more I have to do, the more I get done. So yeah, you want me to do something, sure, no probs, BRING IT ON!!!
So that's my amazing summer in a summary... but I could honestly write an entire book about the last few months!
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