Cuz I'm Going Crazy

This is just another story about an ordinary girl who lost her mind. This is no story. This is a simple statement, no story. This girl did not simply become crazy. She was crazy ever since she could remember herself. She was different, unique, useless. She was scared. She knew that one must let go of certainties, one must step out of the comfort zone, but she never took action. She knew how to do things, and once she knew something, she knew it well. She was good at the things she did. And she knew that she could do a lot more. She could do less, but she could also do more. She could tackle higher walls, she could build even higher ones. She'd be capable to do anything that she really wanted to do.

But she plays it safe, she is stuck in a routine. But she gets out of her shell every now and then. She leaves it all behind, if just for a day. Just to see something she has not seen before. Because the more she sees, the less she knows.

It's a simple statement. She is alone, and that is the way she wants things to be. There is no room for pity, there is no space for excuses, there is nothings that she hasn't heard. She has seen more than one can imagine. She has experienced things that can not be described, good and bad. She is lost, but she knows that she's lost. She wants things to change. Things change all the time, just not the ones she'd like to change. Turns out she can't control everything. She feels disappointed, and sad.

However, sometimes she knows how to let go. There are times when she is happy, sometimes for little reason, or no reason at all. Sometimes the reasons are good, meaningful. Now she is happy that she will be once again gone from life's hassles for some days. She will be all by herself, just the way she loves it. She will be still in her comfort shell, but in another location. She will be gone psychically and mentally.

So thanks for dropping by,
call again when I'm back.

Inside Joke

I wonder why you have that mixer in your bedroom. Not that I've been in your room anyway. I bet a man can be pregnant. And even more so, I'm sure you're a negro. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife. Well, I'm glad things are the way they are. Ok, bull shit. Fuck everything.

At least I'll be gone from all the crap in my life for some days as of this Sunday. Can't wait.

Leave It On

I tried for a second to live without a mask. I mean, not entirely, I took it off partly. People did not understand. They don't want to understand. They don't care.

"Smile. No one really cares how you feel."

I'm From The Moon

There are two classic lines that I use to give a guy a hard time in getting to know me. First, they are always interested in where I'm from. I tell them the part the city where I live, but then they ask where I am from originally. That's when I say that I'm from the moon. At first most of them get confused and as again, as if I am the daft one who didn't hear the question right. As they go on with their confusion, I simply laugh at their stupidity. Then I wonder, what difference does it make? I've asked some guys, but never really got a clear answer. The next thing is that when I meet a guy who I actually like, I give him a hard time in finding out my name. I'm that mean, and they don't understand why I do that. I don't know either. It's just fun to watch a brave man be confused. Evil much?

Then there are certain things that attract guys without me even trying hard. One, it's my hair, I don't leave it down too often, but when I do do that, then many people come up to me to through compliments at me. I don't mind, as long as they are not drunk chicks. I prefer when cute guys notice that. Second it's my accent, the mish-mash of everything, guys find it sexy. And I don't blame them, they've spent all their silly lives in Scotland where ladies are a disgrace to humanity, and all talk the same, so someone with a different accent is nice to see/hear/meet. Besides, i't funny to see guys trying to guess where I am form.

We Were The Best

I don't know why someone would choose to end what we had. We were great friends, and if we all were to meet again, great stories would be born, just like in the olden days. Life changes so quickly, people come and go. While you could not care less for others, some you wish you could keep. Some are awesome, like a rare pokemon card that you simply can not exchange or loose, it is priceless. It brings tears in my eyes to think that some things will never be the way they were. Makes me wonder why? Why is it that some people come in our lives and leave such a footprint that you cannot erase it. Not that I would ever want to erase them, no, but it's also painful to think of how great times were, and now the good things are gone.. And not-so-good things come in place. Eh, friends, such a simple, but complex system. :)

I'll Wait

How long do you expect me to wait? This is not fair to me. This is not fair to you. This is not fair to anyone. Get a grip boy, you can not expect me to wait forever.

Where does the good go?

What Do You See?

It's funny how in the past week three people in different situations have told me something along the lines of  "it's the first time i hear that you're scared of something!" What do people see when they look at me? I really couldn't grasp what it was they were trying to say. I don't get it!
One of them was my coworker, I was telling her something about this one guy, and all of a sudden she tells me that I'm scared of being in a relationship.. The truth is, I don't want a relationship, especially with this guy. We might have chemistry, a wee bit.. But at the moment I myself don't know what I want, so until I figure out what it is I want I don't need some shallow people telling me that I'm scared. Of course that wasn't enough bull shit for one night. Why would she say that she has never seen me scared! I have always presented myself as the fragile one, I always have been the weak link. Why do some get the wrong picture?
Makes me wonder, do most people see me that way? Do all of you think I am strong? I do put on a mask a lot, but I really never expected that to work! Should I show people who I really am? Should I show that what a wreck I am, how uncertain I am, how weak I am? Would I get more out of life? I don't know, I doubt it. I suppose I never felt like I had the right to be the weak one, you know, seeing how miss fortunate some people are. I have always believed that I'm expected to take what is given. I'd always moan, even cry in my mind, but then I'd bite my teeth together and just keep going. You know how Churchill said, If you're going through hell, keep going. Yeah, I always keep going, sometimes I struggle more that needed, sometimes quite the opposite; I get through easier than expected.

Anyway, where was I going with this?

Right, people don't really know me, and I don't blame them, definitely not. I am glad they don't know me.

Very few of us are what we seem. (A.Christie.)

That's two of my favourite quotations in one post, crazy man! :D

NaNoWriMo

November has arrived and I should really at least give NaNoWriMo a try. For those who don't know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. If I recall correctly, it's birthplace is United States, but in the recent years it has become well known around the world. The basic idea of this is to write a novel in one month; the month of November. The rules are fairly simple. The fathers of this idea have estimate that the novel has to be 50 000 worlds long. It can be written only during the month, not a day earlier and not a day later. (If you do do that, then you don't count as a  NaNoWriMo winner.) I really want to try this so bad, and I will give it a shot.. However I have a problem - holiday this month. I'll be practically unable to write after the 18th of November, so my time is slightly shorter that would be expected. I want to be a winner, but I will not be completely disappointing if I fail. What counts is that I will try. :)


Other than that I've moved down the street again, yeah, different place again. Don't know how long I'll be able to stay sane here.. But let's hope for the best. I have to survive this month and then I should be fine. Right?? huh...life.