Wednesday, 25 December 2013

It's THAT time of the year

They say it is the most wonderful time of the year, the season to be merry and jolly, time to praise the big fat man called Santa or the God and his son Jesus, which ever tickles your fancy. It is time to give and receive.

Heck with it all, this so called magical time of the year is all in your head, it's all in the shop windows, it's in the silly feeling that last year around the same time you and the society made you produce the feeling of joy. To hell with it all. And then because there has to be balance of joy in the world, the sad become even more sad, depressed and lonely. Yes you understood me correctly, all forces in the world have to add up to be even. (Hence, when the rich become richer, the poor become more poor.) So when ever you are full of happiness for a longer time you are making someone's life miserable.

This year I have very little Christmas spirit in me. It is dormant for some years now. You can blame me, or you can blame the world. But I will just embrace it. I shall use this time to do things I dare not say out loud.

Despite it all, I did enjoy a lovely Christmas eve with my dad, and got some phone calls, and messages that made the festive feeling.

This all is fiction, maybe not. Maybe you'll think about it, maybe not.
Things are as they are.. Right?

Now playing: I want a Hippopotomous for Christmas, because well, it's self-explanatory, isn't it?

Sunday, 22 December 2013

I want to see the world

My problem is that I dig holes and then I fall in them. Then I try my best to get out, and once I do bring myself up I end up falling in yet another hole.
But I have this very strange feeling. I feel happy, I should not be, I should be, but no - I don't know. My head is a very confusing place. There are people in my life that make me happy, there are people in my life whom I want to make happy. There is a shy piece of joy in my life, it's not big, but it's there; not visible most of the time, but I can feel it racing in my heart at times.

I was planning to change the text that's along my profile from "The girl that said goodbye before saying hello." to "I want to see the world."

But then, maybe not yet, maybe that doesn't sum up my "profile" 100%. So I'll leave it at that, for now at least.

But either way, I have recently learned that old is not better, not always. And sometimes it is better to let go of the old for new things to come in life. So here I am, I have made up my mind, I have decided to let a part of the good old to go, I have decided to set myself free.

Now playing: Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood

Friday, 20 December 2013

I miss you

It seems like all I do my whole life is I miss people. I am so used to this empty space in me, just every day I can count so many people that would want to see. It's like, when someone asks: "What do you do?" the reply would always be "I miss people." What is even worse is that you don't get used to it, not in a good way I mean, you don't adjust to it. It just hurts, sometimes less, sometimes more, it carves your soul like a child would carve a pumpkin on Halloween. Plus there is the factor that I can't really do anything about it. It's not like hate that you can consciously decide to let go. It's not like falling in love, that over time can fade away. They are memories and feelings, a combinations of so many things, and also, of course, the fact that you don't want to let those feelings leave. I don't want to not miss all those people. Of course, it is amazing to have so many awesome people to miss, but it truly hurts that most of them are so far away. Sometimes I think about what we'd be doing if we were side-by-side. And then in some cases so many years have passed since I last saw the person, it's like I don't actually know them. I knew them, and that's the image that's drawn in my mind, the old one. We all change, but in some ways we remain the same, at least in certain memories. I will not lie, I have tears in my eyes. I am very lost at the moment (not literally), and I have no idea which way to go.

Anywho, missing people is beautiful, but at the same time it can be very sad.
Meh, that's all.

Oh, and also, side note, 5 years ago on 7th of December, I joined ( WOW! 5 years! And this is still the first blog I made, and still the one where I post most often.

Monday, 16 December 2013

This Image

Someone posted this image in Facebook, and it pretty much sums up how I feel.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Say What?

My head feels like exploding. I don't know how to turn it off! It keeps thinking and over-thinking, and thinking about over-thinking. I can't take it any more! Why can't I just do what has to be done and that's it? Why do I have to complicate my life so much?!

I want to come clean, I want to tell everyone the truth, I want to tell everyone what I'm thinking.. and what's even more absurd, I want everyone to understand. I want this burden to go away. I want to be able to sincerely smile again. I don't know what is going on in my head. I know what I want, but I am unable to go for the things I want. I've lost my motivation. I've lost any sense that I deserve anything. I am a terrible person and I truly believe that I deserve nothing good.

I don't know what's the right path to take right now.

Sunday, 8 December 2013

Future tense

I am in the future, in the day that will come someday, and I am thinking: "Now what?" And there is no answer, there is no one there to hear my question, and I know for a fact that no one will be able to answer my question. So I ask now,  so I don't have to stay in confused silence in the future. I ask now, because I am aware that no one is listening. And now I know it is for the best, I know that it is better to keep still in the mist of silence. One day there will be zero safe spots on this earth, there is going to be nothing but betrayal.

I am wrong because I am right. I should not tell you what I think, I should shut the fuck up. And so I do! I can't tell them what I think, how I feel, and what I do. I say so much that it is hard to realize how much I actually do put out there. And at the same time I am mute. I have no words, and I have no language. I have no alibi, I have no soul. I am a liar, I am a fool.

Thursday, 5 December 2013


In the past week or so I have been contemplating about my relationship with Riga. Yes, you understood that correctly! I feel like I have a love-hate things going on here, and I hope to tell you why it is that I feel this way.

When I returned home this summer, I thought that it is the absolute right thing to do, that it will make me and my friends and relatives happy. And so it did! But there is more to this seemingly simple skit. To begin off, I want to make it clear that I am happy to be able to see people whom I didn't see when I was abroad, I am happy to hear Latvian language on the streets, I am happy that I have a sense that I am where I belong, I am happy to play with my nephews, I am happy to roam the streets of this city of wonders.

And yet, there is a feeling of eternal sadness to this place. I was on the bus to work this evening and I was thinking about how it is possible to have such mixed feelings about a city (or anything really).

Why is it my home? It is where I was born, and raised as a child, at least most of my childhood. It is the place where I learned the primary human skills, walking, reading, loving, caring, language .. It is where I begun school. It is where I had my first boyfriend. Riga has always been the place where I can return, it was always the place where I was from, and there would always be things waiting for me. Almost every block in this city brings up countless memories that have made me who I am today. There have been sad days, events, happening, and quite the opposite. I have attended celebrations here, I remember that when I was a kid I was dragged through the old town on the 18th on November to see the fireworks. I recall drawing chalk drawings on the pavement in the park. I remember the adventures I had as a kid with my brothers, water-gun wars with other neighbourhood kids, playing in the backyard of our house, building snowmen in the winter, collecting  chestnuts after kinder garden, we did all kinds of pranks at home, and pissed off our parents. Oh, and how I loved playing with dolls and getting mad at my brother We had our first pet, we wanted one so badly, and then one end of summer there was a small kitty waiting for us at home. Then we grew, I grew, and the city grew as well. Things changed, and doing silly pranks was no longer timely, we had "bigger" and "better" things to do. School got more serious, friendships got more valuable, parents got wiser. Then came the first parties, first experiments, and serious things, like making science projects, attending extra curricular activities, etc.

And then I was gone for seven years, and during all this time Riga was my home, it made me proud to say that that is where I come from. So naturally it became more and more dear to, it was a special place, where everything would be great! That is why I returned here this summer, I returned here to stay here for good. But over this roughly half a year that I've been back I have realized something, the city isn't what I thought it was. It is a sad place, it grows memories like mushrooms. This made me wonder, how many memories can one place hold? I have a feeling that I have made myself believe that Riga is the place to be, but in reality, it isn't so, not at all. It is my personal pit hole, my doom. I want it to be more, I hoped and dreamed that it was bigger that it actually is.

Let's face it, Riga is just another city in the game of globalization, it is a small, tiny piece of the puzzle called world. It is hard to believe that I have fooled myself to believe that is is a magical place.

This is where the two world collide, this is where I do not know how much I really hate or love this city, my city. I get confused and it makes me frustrated.

Either way, I am here now, but as people have told me along the way, there is a huge possibility that I will not last here for long, I will want to run away again.