Wednesday, 25 December 2013

It's THAT time of the year

They say it is the most wonderful time of the year, the season to be merry and jolly, time to praise the big fat man called Santa or the God and his son Jesus, which ever tickles your fancy. It is time to give and receive.

Heck with it all, this so called magical time of the year is all in your head, it's all in the shop windows, it's in the silly feeling that last year around the same time you and the society made you produce the feeling of joy. To hell with it all. And then because there has to be balance of joy in the world, the sad become even more sad, depressed and lonely. Yes you understood me correctly, all forces in the world have to add up to be even. (Hence, when the rich become richer, the poor become more poor.) So when ever you are full of happiness for a longer time you are making someone's life miserable.

This year I have very little Christmas spirit in me. It is dormant for some years now. You can blame me, or you can blame the world. But I will just embrace it. I shall use this time to do things I dare not say out loud.

Despite it all, I did enjoy a lovely Christmas eve with my dad, and got some phone calls, and messages that made the festive feeling.

This all is fiction, maybe not. Maybe you'll think about it, maybe not.
Things are as they are.. Right?

Now playing: I want a Hippopotomous for Christmas, because well, it's self-explanatory, isn't it?

Sunday, 22 December 2013

I want to see the world

My problem is that I dig holes and then I fall in them. Then I try my best to get out, and once I do bring myself up I end up falling in yet another hole.
But I have this very strange feeling. I feel happy, I should not be, I should be, but no - I don't know. My head is a very confusing place. There are people in my life that make me happy, there are people in my life whom I want to make happy. There is a shy piece of joy in my life, it's not big, but it's there; not visible most of the time, but I can feel it racing in my heart at times.

I was planning to change the text that's along my profile from "The girl that said goodbye before saying hello." to "I want to see the world."

But then, maybe not yet, maybe that doesn't sum up my "profile" 100%. So I'll leave it at that, for now at least.

But either way, I have recently learned that old is not better, not always. And sometimes it is better to let go of the old for new things to come in life. So here I am, I have made up my mind, I have decided to let a part of the good old to go, I have decided to set myself free.

Now playing: Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood

Friday, 20 December 2013

I miss you

It seems like all I do my whole life is I miss people. I am so used to this empty space in me, just every day I can count so many people that would want to see. It's like, when someone asks: "What do you do?" the reply would always be "I miss people." What is even worse is that you don't get used to it, not in a good way I mean, you don't adjust to it. It just hurts, sometimes less, sometimes more, it carves your soul like a child would carve a pumpkin on Halloween. Plus there is the factor that I can't really do anything about it. It's not like hate that you can consciously decide to let go. It's not like falling in love, that over time can fade away. They are memories and feelings, a combinations of so many things, and also, of course, the fact that you don't want to let those feelings leave. I don't want to not miss all those people. Of course, it is amazing to have so many awesome people to miss, but it truly hurts that most of them are so far away. Sometimes I think about what we'd be doing if we were side-by-side. And then in some cases so many years have passed since I last saw the person, it's like I don't actually know them. I knew them, and that's the image that's drawn in my mind, the old one. We all change, but in some ways we remain the same, at least in certain memories. I will not lie, I have tears in my eyes. I am very lost at the moment (not literally), and I have no idea which way to go.

Anywho, missing people is beautiful, but at the same time it can be very sad.
Meh, that's all.

Oh, and also, side note, 5 years ago on 7th of December, I joined ( WOW! 5 years! And this is still the first blog I made, and still the one where I post most often.

Monday, 16 December 2013

This Image

Someone posted this image in Facebook, and it pretty much sums up how I feel.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Say What?

My head feels like exploding. I don't know how to turn it off! It keeps thinking and over-thinking, and thinking about over-thinking. I can't take it any more! Why can't I just do what has to be done and that's it? Why do I have to complicate my life so much?!

I want to come clean, I want to tell everyone the truth, I want to tell everyone what I'm thinking.. and what's even more absurd, I want everyone to understand. I want this burden to go away. I want to be able to sincerely smile again. I don't know what is going on in my head. I know what I want, but I am unable to go for the things I want. I've lost my motivation. I've lost any sense that I deserve anything. I am a terrible person and I truly believe that I deserve nothing good.

I don't know what's the right path to take right now.

Sunday, 8 December 2013

Future tense

I am in the future, in the day that will come someday, and I am thinking: "Now what?" And there is no answer, there is no one there to hear my question, and I know for a fact that no one will be able to answer my question. So I ask now,  so I don't have to stay in confused silence in the future. I ask now, because I am aware that no one is listening. And now I know it is for the best, I know that it is better to keep still in the mist of silence. One day there will be zero safe spots on this earth, there is going to be nothing but betrayal.

I am wrong because I am right. I should not tell you what I think, I should shut the fuck up. And so I do! I can't tell them what I think, how I feel, and what I do. I say so much that it is hard to realize how much I actually do put out there. And at the same time I am mute. I have no words, and I have no language. I have no alibi, I have no soul. I am a liar, I am a fool.

Thursday, 5 December 2013


In the past week or so I have been contemplating about my relationship with Riga. Yes, you understood that correctly! I feel like I have a love-hate things going on here, and I hope to tell you why it is that I feel this way.

When I returned home this summer, I thought that it is the absolute right thing to do, that it will make me and my friends and relatives happy. And so it did! But there is more to this seemingly simple skit. To begin off, I want to make it clear that I am happy to be able to see people whom I didn't see when I was abroad, I am happy to hear Latvian language on the streets, I am happy that I have a sense that I am where I belong, I am happy to play with my nephews, I am happy to roam the streets of this city of wonders.

And yet, there is a feeling of eternal sadness to this place. I was on the bus to work this evening and I was thinking about how it is possible to have such mixed feelings about a city (or anything really).

Why is it my home? It is where I was born, and raised as a child, at least most of my childhood. It is the place where I learned the primary human skills, walking, reading, loving, caring, language .. It is where I begun school. It is where I had my first boyfriend. Riga has always been the place where I can return, it was always the place where I was from, and there would always be things waiting for me. Almost every block in this city brings up countless memories that have made me who I am today. There have been sad days, events, happening, and quite the opposite. I have attended celebrations here, I remember that when I was a kid I was dragged through the old town on the 18th on November to see the fireworks. I recall drawing chalk drawings on the pavement in the park. I remember the adventures I had as a kid with my brothers, water-gun wars with other neighbourhood kids, playing in the backyard of our house, building snowmen in the winter, collecting  chestnuts after kinder garden, we did all kinds of pranks at home, and pissed off our parents. Oh, and how I loved playing with dolls and getting mad at my brother We had our first pet, we wanted one so badly, and then one end of summer there was a small kitty waiting for us at home. Then we grew, I grew, and the city grew as well. Things changed, and doing silly pranks was no longer timely, we had "bigger" and "better" things to do. School got more serious, friendships got more valuable, parents got wiser. Then came the first parties, first experiments, and serious things, like making science projects, attending extra curricular activities, etc.

And then I was gone for seven years, and during all this time Riga was my home, it made me proud to say that that is where I come from. So naturally it became more and more dear to, it was a special place, where everything would be great! That is why I returned here this summer, I returned here to stay here for good. But over this roughly half a year that I've been back I have realized something, the city isn't what I thought it was. It is a sad place, it grows memories like mushrooms. This made me wonder, how many memories can one place hold? I have a feeling that I have made myself believe that Riga is the place to be, but in reality, it isn't so, not at all. It is my personal pit hole, my doom. I want it to be more, I hoped and dreamed that it was bigger that it actually is.

Let's face it, Riga is just another city in the game of globalization, it is a small, tiny piece of the puzzle called world. It is hard to believe that I have fooled myself to believe that is is a magical place.

This is where the two world collide, this is where I do not know how much I really hate or love this city, my city. I get confused and it makes me frustrated.

Either way, I am here now, but as people have told me along the way, there is a huge possibility that I will not last here for long, I will want to run away again.

Friday, 29 November 2013

Marta said.

So Marta thinks that I should get my shit together and start doing something useful.

It sounds like a very rational idea,
but yeah,

Thursday, 28 November 2013


I am torn between two entities. I can not make up my mind.
So badly I want to risk and go all in, but at the same time I get a feeling that it will not be worth it. I want to be happy, really, it's that simple.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

Odd. I'm happy.

Life is coming over me like a waterfall. There are so many things happening that I don't even have time to really absorb each moment. But in a good way, of course! Life is happening, and this is very much like what I wanted. When I decided to move back to Latvia, I was afraid that because of how long I'd been way, I would find myself doing nothing. So when I got back my ultimate goal was to keep busy, as busy as humanly possible, to have very little free time. And here I am - doing things all the time. I am running out of hours, I wish a day would be longer, and I wish a week would have another day.

But still. Wish all the ups come downs, and right now they all even out perfectly. The ups are more, so I'm happy. Yup, I'm happy!

I have gained confidence, a lot of it! I don't know if it comes with time, or it came after my big cycling trip. But I truly feel more like a person, like an individual.
I feel good. Bite me. c:

Saturday, 9 November 2013


In an ideal word, this is what is going to happen:
I will write my essay tonight.
Then I will do the things I have to do at work.
Then I'll perfect my essay.

In the morning I will get home, do some exercise.
Have some rest.
Go to the concert with my mom.

That's all in an ideal world.
I could challenge myself to actually follow through with it.
I could promise myself that I'll do what needs to be done.

Or I could just leave everything last minute.
Have no sleep.
Live with stress.
And skip exercise.

I don't know how things will play out.
But I do have a bad feeling about this. 

Some good things are coming up,
this month and next month.
So, yeah, I'm happy. 

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

So she wrote

So she wrote a letter to tell him how she felt. She wrote a letter, and then she deleted it.
And so she never replied. She never forgot. No, he always stayed on her mind, every day she would find herself pondering about how things could be.. If there would be any change if she told him all those thoughts that were boiling in her mind. But she had come to a conclusion, she had decided that it's for the best. He soon forgot about her anyway, she became just another girl who he had met. Soon he forgot her name, and then he forgot her face, and she existed only in old memories that would never be bought back to life.

It was gone like the runaway train, it was gone to never return. She wrote a memory, a small note, an entry in a diary that did not exist. She wrote so she would not forget. She typed up the memories and saved them in a place where no one would stumble upon them. But they were there, just like old books covered with dust, the memories would hold still..

And then one day he wrote to her again.
He wrote:

Do You believe in magic?

And, in fact, she did, she believed that there was something more to life, she believed that things could happen just because.

So she wrote, she told him exactly that, that she believed in magic.

To which he replied that he would like to see her again, he was willing to buy a plane ticket to come see her. He would come when ever, but the sooner the better. He wanted to see her smile again, he wanted to see for himself that magic truly did exist.

She wrote back. She no longer lived in illusions, she said that she would be pleased to see him. She said that meeting him again would bring the most truthful smile in her face. She wrote to him. All the thoughts of him were coming back, they were simmering along the top of her mind. She never knew this would happen, she never thought to see him again.

But there he was standing waiting for her at the airport. He smiled a big smile and gave her a sincere hug, and didn't want to let her go. The embrace lasted for a at least two full minutes.

But then it didn't matter what happened next.
She had a second chance, and she wrote to him. She didn't tell him everything, but she said what was important - she said that she wanted to see him again... and again, and again...

Monday, 28 October 2013

Random - Santa Claus

So I saw an image on facebook. (this one)
And randomly I thought, how does taking off the mans beard prove that Santa is not real? I mean, one can always shave his beard and change his clothes. Theoretically, a child knows that, and if we were to ever tell a story about Santa changing his clothes, or shaving his beard, then he would believe it until you were to tell him otherwise, and even then, he might think you're lying.

What I'm saying is, that just because we have a different clothes on, or different hair style does not mean that we become a different person. You feel me?

Saturday, 26 October 2013

You say what?

Someone repainted my fall. It looks dead ugly, and all the optimism is washed away with all those grey shades that you're throwing at me. What I need is .. is.. I need to break this stupid habit of procrastination. And I know how, I've done it before, and I know I have it in me to do it again (and again, and again, and again).

Once upon a time is really here and now. /Angi Sullins/

Well how about that?
Let's make it all magical...changing the font, and size, and colour, and background colour, and wow, adding a super cool effect now, ... do you see it? The quote is now moving from one side to the other and then back! On fire! 

Ok, but enough games now, let's get back to that serious stuff.
I feel like I am just waiting for a moment, a some kind of magical epiphany to happen and suddenly I will get things done. But I have forgotten that I simply have to make most of what I have. Gosh, just want to punch myself.

Haha. Ok, I shall do something now.


Wednesday, 16 October 2013

No no no no no no no no no no no no no

Life's a bitch.

When everything seems to be going just great, suddenly the tables are flipped and everything that could go wrong, goes wrong. So fuck this shit. and fuck them all. And fuck me for not giving a fuck.



I don't give a fuck. When people are assholes, there is really nothing I can do.

The key don't work.
Why? Why do stupid things keep happening? What's up with that really? It's just plain stupid.



I don't care.

Sunday, 6 October 2013


I've heard people say that I am too young to have no faith to the world. And maybe so, it could be that they are right! But how can I have any faith at all? I don't even believe myself, I have let myself down countless times, and I keep on doing so. I've been let down by others even more times than I've disappointed myself. So how can I keep on believing people, when I know that I'll be disappointed? That just doesn't make sense. So it is just logical to have no faith in human, in people.

Who knows, maybe people are, in general, nice creatures, but deep-deep down we all are selfish. When it would come to it, we would all be willing to kill someone for our own good. We would not risk our heath or wealth for someone else without own benefit. We all seek for self satisfaction, even if it is on the expense of others. And YES, there will be those of you, who will think don't judge everyone based on yourself. Yes, I am selfish too, but I am also kind, and I've given a lot, and I feel like I've been let down too much for what I have done. It's not physical pain, but emotional pain, people playing with feelings. I am weak this way, I've become weak. So I will not let any ass-holes betray me. No, I've had enough of that bull shit.

And yes, I have done wrong, and I have let go the wrong people in my life. But there have been so many.. and mostly I just feel like they will not care. So I give up, I give up before the battle begins. All because I don't want to be let down.

I've got high standards, so what, sue me!

Thursday, 3 October 2013


Stories they tell. They all have stories that need to be told, but very few of them ever say a word.
And there they all stand, trying to communicate with people with non-verbal signs.
I would love to hear all your stories! Speak up you fools!!!

Friday, 27 September 2013


Mēs katrs dzīvojam ar sava veida abziņu, piemēram, es esmu latvietis. Nu redz, gandrīz mēnesi būšo nomācījusies Latvijas Univeristātē. Tas ko māca LU ir, ka tu, es, viņš un viņa, mēs visi esam Eiropas iedzīvotāji. Nepareizi, ne Eiropas, bet gan Eiropas Savienības (ES) pilsonis. Man tas šķiet nedaudz jancīgi, es tomēr jūtos vairāk kā Latvietis. Un nākamais līmenis, es esmu pasaules iedzīvotājs. Viss tomēr ir šobrīd un uz doto brīdi. Labi, Latvija ilgi nepastāvēs. Un Eiropas Savienībā arī nebūs uz visiem laikiem, mūžīgi mūžos enter. Jā, pasaule ar nebūs mūžīga, bet jebkurā gadījumā tā pastāvēs ilgāk. Un tas tomēr nav godīgi vērtēt Eiropas Savienības valstis augstāk par citām pasaules valstīm.
Man arī neliekās, ka citās ES dalībvalstīs izglītības iestādēs tik ļoti skalo smadzenes par ES.

Personīgi, man liekas, ka mēs (Latvija) paliekam pārāk atkarīgi no ES. Kādu dienu, kad tā sabruks, vai atbalsts vienkārši vairs nebūs, mēs jutīsimies kā pamests zīdainis.

Kāpēc Latvijai mūždien jābūt no kāda atkarīgai? Kāpēc esam tik vāji???

Saturday, 21 September 2013

What >>>>

I have signed up for more remorse and torture. Meh, don't care.

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

I'm Tired

I'm tired of feeling this way, so it shall come to an end. I will no longer care. I'm tired of making same mistakes over and over again. I'm tired of being wrong when I knew the right answer, but never was brave enough to say it out loud. I don't want to just get by. I want to live. And I want to risk even more, I want to dare even more, I want to do more. I want to surprise people. No. I don't care about that, not really. I want to surprise myself. I want to do things that I never even thought of. I want to set my expectations at a reasonable height, so it's not too easy, and so it's not too high, and I don't give up without even trying.

I want to prove myself wrong, I want to crash my own ideas, and create a whole new way of thinking. I want to change my mind. I'm tired, bored of myself. The unpredictability has become predictable.

I don't like your face. Go away!

Saturday, 14 September 2013

Shh, Don't Say a Thing

Her voice was still low, she was quiet, she was about to tell a secret. The silence was daunting, but somehow relaxing. It reminded her that her secret might me kept, and it might not be heard by the world. The room was dim, there were no windows, and just the one door through which she entered. The room was small, it had a round table and some chairs placed around it. There were also a chair in two corners of the room. She sat opposite of the door, at the table. The table was empty, it was unstable, and so was the chair that she sat on. It was hard to stay balanced, she thought she'll fall any moment now. But there she was, hanging in there.
She could hear a weak melody playing somewhere far away. There was no way of determining whether it was played live, or if it was a record playing. She could't even tell the genre of the song, or what instruments had created the piece, but she could hear it, and she knew it was there.

She felt like a rag-doll, worn-out, tired, over-used, and very confused. She was not sure what she was doing in this small room. But deep down she knew, she knew she was here about the secret, she wanted to share her secret. She gulped a huge junk of air, a boulder was still there, stuck in her throat, as if pulling her back from what she was about to do. But despite all, she had to, she needed the weight somehow lifted of off her, at least some part of it.

She then did it, she silently said the words that were burning her mind and her soul. She put them out there, and it felt as if she struck herself with a dagger. Tears stared to poor down her face as if blood was pooling under a never-healing wound. She felt so much pain that it could not be measured in any form, it was passed any scale, it was passed any weight measure, the pressure was squeezing every drop of life she still had in her. She had said those few words that she was meaning to tell someone.

Her eyes gently scanned the room. Through her never-ending river of tears she tried to see what had changed, what had happened.

But there she was
all alone in a small room
sitting on a broken chair
at an old, round table.

Secrets are no longer secrets if shared.

The girls heart is wounded, and she will never be able to fix it.
She picked herself up, in the pace of the fading melody she moved her body across the room to the door, then she left the room.

And it was as if she had never been there.

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Am I Alone?

I feel as if I'm the only one who thinks as I do. I am alone, in my mind, in my thoughts, and in my behaviour and actions, I'm always alone. I'm lucky if I'm able to keep up a conversation for more than ten minutes. Usually my mind drifts off into a totally different direction, and most are never able to follow my train of thoughts.
I can't talk about myself for long, and I can't talk about someone else for long either. People bore me, I find human lives boring, repetitive, blank, empty, predictable, just BLAH! Humans are like a worn out sock - smelly.. and everything but desirable. 

Culture, places, travel, history, future, traditions... etc on the other hand are things that are worth spending words for. Those are things that I like to talk about, and even more so, I love listening about these things. They are rich and mind fulfilling.

For instance, I was talking to some peeps at university, and from our study subjects we fast moved to talking about other peeps in our group. And one sentence was enough, I was lost in the conversation. I mean, who the f*** (excuse my language) cares what the girl with black hair was wearing the other day??? I mean, seriously??? Do people really inspect such things?? I don't mind saying nice things though, you know, if someone looks really nice, as in WOW nice, then it is ok to point it out. But if some other person is wearing something you don't like, there is no need to advertise it to other people. What is even more annoying, the people who have zero own opinion will automatically agree with you (or so they will say). There is another things, people should grow some balls, really, grow a pair, and make up your own opinion.

Friday, 6 September 2013

Trešā persona

Kādu rītu es pamodīšos un viss šķitīs kā sapnis. Viss tas, ko dzīvē esmu piedzīvojusi, liksies kā kaut kas ārzemju pasakā izlasīts.

Bet, ja godīgi, tad jau tagad, kad cilvēkiem stāstu, kas esmu, no kurienes nāku un caur kurieni esmu gājusi, es jūtos, ka runāju par kādu trešo personu. Es stāstu par sevi kā par kādu citu cilvēku, kuru gluži vienkārši esmu ļoti labi iepazinusi. Es atstāstu kādu nesen izlasītu grāmatu, vai filmu, kuru šobrīd rāda lielā kinoteātra mazākajā zālē. Es esmu te. Un es sevi prezentēju kā būtni, kas nu tā, starp citu kaut kur ir un kaut ko dara (vai varbūt nedara neko).
Un tad man paliek žēl par to, ka daudz, jo daudz lietu, domu un notikumu paliek nepateikti, nepierakstīti. Tas viss paliek domu vācelītē, laikam slīdot pa garajiem dzīves gaiteņiem to visu norij zemapziņa, absolūti nekas pāri nepaliek.

Kad jūtos savādi, vai kad jūtos kā vēl nekad, gribas vaicāt kādam, vai tu zini kā tas ir..? Un nereti es tā arī daru, cenšos cik vien iespējams sīki un detalizēti izstāstīt kā jūtos, un uzreiz vaicāju, vai tev ar tā ir bijis? Mani sen jau vairs nepārsteidz tas, ka neviens mani neizprot, cilvēki parasti lūr uz mani kā uz kādu, kas no citas planētas nokritis (un pa ceļam smagi apsities). Viņiem nav ne mazākās nojausmas, un līdz ar to es arī zinu, ka atrast kādu līdz-domātāju ir praktiski neiespējami. Tas izklausās visai skumji, — bet tā nav, gluži pretēji! Tas gluži vienkārši nozīmē, ka piedzīvoju ko vēl nebijušu! I feel special, and so BITE ME! Tā nu tas ir. 

Es jau tagad pārlasot kādus sava emuāra rakstus jūtos it kā lidotu cauri notikumu jūrai, tad vēl atminos kā man tanī brīdī ir gājis, kādi uztraukumi bijuši, un kādi prieki bijuši. Un, ja tā padomāju, tad saprotu cik daudz dzīvē ir bijušas neskaidrības par notiekošo, par to, kas notiks un, to kas bijis. Tik daudz dzīvē mainās sekunžu simtdaļā un rezultātā mainās visa turpmākā dzīve. Tas var būt kādas vienkāršas idejas dzimšana, vai kāds notikums vispasaules politikā. Viss tas, ko daru, balansējas uz adatas paša gala. Dzīve ir tik koša un daudzpusīga, ka ir tik viegli iedomāties par to, kā būtu, ja būtu. Dažreiz pat ir patīkami ar laivu izpeldēt cauri ideju ielejām. 

Bet visforšāk ir tad, ka es saprotu, ka dzīve ir ieslīdējusi pareizajās sliedēs. Tas, protams, nenozīmē, ka ja lietas būtu citādi, tad būti slikti, vai nepareizi; tas nozīmē, ka patreiz esmu apmierināta ar izvēlēm, ko esmu veikusi. Un, ja ir kaut kas, kas neapmierina, esmu iemācījusies ar to sadzīvot. Viss ir labi, viegli, un ir arī grūti, un kopsavilkums ir visai pozitīvs. 

Un tagad, es spiedīšu publish, un varbūt kāds pat šo rakstu izlasīs, un nedod dievs, priecāsies par mani. Bet visticamāk, tas ieslīdēs nebūtībā, bet būs vismaz pierakstīts.. Kādu dienu, kad man varbūt būs skumji, es šo pārlasīšu un vismaz uz īsu brīdi būs labi. Būs prieks, un es sapratīšu, ka viss, gan labais gan sliktais, nāk un iet, dzīve konstanti mainās.

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Change, Change, Change, and Again CHANGE

I'm not talking about the change you get when you pay with a bill for something that is worth less and then you get change back. And I am not talking about me changing, I've talked about that a lot before, but not now...well not really.

Summer has just slipped through my fingers. It was so much to hold, so much to bare, and so much to live with (now). But now summer is over. It is over length wise, since I've been celebrating summer ever since I quit my job in Scotland. And if anyone knows, that happened at the near-end of May (!!!).

I then had my amazing cycling trip, which has so far been the best choice I've made in my life. I gained more than I ever expected to gain from such a trip. Some things to mention, I challenged myself; it was a real physical and mental challenge. I met some really amazing people, and a great diversity of people. I got to stay with people and see how things differ between neighbouring countries in Europe. I had plenty of me-time, I had time to think, I had time to worry, and most important, I had time to be happy!

Once I arrived home I had to change my point of view, I had to change who I was. I had been living totally independently for the last two years, and I had been living away from everyone I knew for three years. So now I had to adjust to a different life, I was (am) now dependant on other people, and as I am present here I have much different expectations from other people. I celebrated Latvian midsummer, got to see Song and Dance festival events, I met people that I hadn't seen in a while, I went places where I hadn't been, I got a job in a hotel... AND I signed up for university and luckily got accepted into Sociology!

Then August came and I was yet again set free (by none other than myself) to go on another trip. This one was of a much different nature, and I did not travel alone. I went with a friend-of-a-friend and we went on a hitchhiking trip through several countries. We begun our trip by taking a plane to Milan. From there we went to Slovenia, Austria, Slovakia, Hungary, Ukraine, Poland, Lithuania, and eventually back to Latvia. This trip took us two weeks and two days. It was, again, a really nice trip. I got to see places where I had been when I was younger, I got to see places where I had not yet been, and I got to see roads that I had cycled not too long ago. It was a diverse trip, we had ups and downs along the way, but all in all, we were happy. We had no terrible accidents along the way, and no life threatening situations. We met some folks that we might see again someday.

When I arrived back to Riga, I hosted some people from couch surfing. That, of course, again, was new for me, a very interesting experience to be the host, not the surfer. I showed people the city, we had some drinks, and I cooked some meals. I also met a special person that changed a part of me, or should I say he changed the way I see certain things. It was a very happy and sad encounter - an all-in-one, if you may.. It was great! I got back to work, went to theatre, met people, went out of the city couple of times, participated in Latvia's Universities student celebration...

And now it is September. I have yet again begun school. It has just begun and I feel like I'll like it, I might even love it! I know how to manage my time, and I know what to do to get good grades, and how to learn as much as humanly possible.. now it is simply up to me to use all the previous experience and knowledge for my own advantage, and then things will keep up, things will be good again. I'll be a busy bird, and in my experience, the more I have to do, the more I get done. So yeah, you want me to do something, sure, no probs, BRING IT ON!!!

So that's my amazing summer in a summary... but I could honestly write an entire book about the last few months! 

Friday, 26 July 2013


Because one big trip in one summer is not enough, I'll be having another one. This time I'll be using a different mode of transportation, hitchhicking. It shall be yet another great adventure. Also, this time I will not be travelling alone. Next Friday we begin our trip, and it will take about three weeks. I'm very excited, but I have a lot to do before next Friday, hope I manage most of it!!!

Off to work tomorrow, so I should get to bed... at one point. :D

Friday, 19 July 2013


Bare hands. Bare soul. I am naked and I don't know where I'm standing. I feel raindrops climbing down my nude body. There is nothing to share, there is nothing to hide. I am here, no more, no less. What you see is all you get - no secrets. I am exposed to all that comes to me, and there is no place to hide. This is it... This is what I've been waiting for. I never wanted this to happen, but I knew it had to happen, it had to be this way, things had to change some day.

With nothing to give, with no excuses, with the most basic elements missing, I am lost and yet there where I have to be. I have the opportunity to start anew. I am on a new journey and I am not turning back. There is no point in turning back as at any moment I can take a turn. Yes, a simple turn. And that I will do, I will go right and left, left and right, I shall take many different paths on a journey that has no end.

I am gone. I am here.

Monday, 8 July 2013

The Way I See It

July. It's July and life feels empty. I went from a full-time dedicated worker, party person, gym junkie ALL-IN-ONE to a complete couch potato. I need a jump, a push, anything that can lift me off the ground.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

To Build

I've realized one thing, and I know it's true. While I thought that my life was empty in Glasgow, it was the exact opposite. I had a real world, I had a life. I built so much and never realized it. I wanted more, and didn't even know what. I wanted something, while I had so much. I built a real life and then I simply left it all behind with no regrets, no nothing; I stood up and left to never look back. But here I am now realizing that I had more than I knew. How do I see it now? Because here I am on a blank page, and I'm realizing that I have to build everything anew, EVERYTHING! New job, new memories, new friends, new school, new relationships, new ideas, new ideals, new hobbies...... NEW FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!! When I think of all the time and effort I put into my previous life, I come to think if i will even have the strength to make it all happen. The environment here is very hostile, I thought I was coming home, but it doesn't feel like it. I have zero sense of belonging, I feel like in the wrong place... I feel like I'm just passing by, that this is not what I left everything behind for. This just can't be it. I'm paralysed, confused, out-of-space, I'm just not here; mentally I'm else where and I don't know where. I don't know where I belong, or even if there is a place where I belong.

Saturday, 22 June 2013

One-Way Track

I've been on this trip for almost a month now. I'm sad that it will be over. This time has allowed me to think, think so far out of the box, so far from what I had been used to..
Often I think about the choices we make in life. We make them every second of every day, even in our dreams we still make choices. Then we see the outcome. We buy a new shirt, and we see that it looks good on us, and people like it. We say something controversial and someone in the crowd reassures that that is a great way of thinking. We decide to speak to a stranger, and he turns out to be a wonderful person. We take no umbrella when the weather-man said it will rain, and it turns out to be sunny all day. We decide to cross the street on a red light because we see no cars around. .. But what is the choices we make bring bad consequences? WHAT IF the shirt we got will look bad on you? What if no one back up your opinion? What if the stranger turns out to be a psychopath? What if it starts raining cats and dogs on a day when you don't take the umbrella? What if a car comes from around the corner and doesn't see you when you cross on that red signal?

Life is so trivial, so fragile, the smallest things can change who you are and what you will do. But how can you know if you make the right choices in life? By trying of course, you should always try new things, take the risk. You will either succeed or you will gain experience and some sort of perspective. You will then try again, try something different, or try a different approach. But what if it is too late? What if the choice we made is there for good, can't be undone, or altered? What if we make the wrong choice and see it when it's already too late? We go down a one way track and there is no way back.

I like to think that there is a way out - through different doors. I believe it's important to not get stuck, there is always a way out. There is always new things to try, new journeys to be made. So it comes down to DOING things, to stay out of the comfort zone, to try new things, taking risks. It comes down to changing yourself by yet another gram. One day I will not know who I was, I will be a different person. This journey has changed me a lot, it has proved to me things I never knew possible, it has showed me how possible it is to do something when you actually get up and try. It has given me hope about people and myself. Most importantly, it has risen doubts about things I always was very certain of.

Friday, 31 May 2013


Edinburgh - E 2
Amsterdam - G 6
Apeldoorn - Pluto 1 (3)

Thursday, 23 May 2013

They See Me Rollin'

It's a nightmare. My mind is like a roller-coaster; there are too many thoughts all in one. It's driving me crazy, literally crazy. I lack significant amounts of sleep, I lack rest, moral and physical rest. There seems to be no such thing as rest in my life. I am emotionally unavailable. I am cruel and tired. I am back in a crying mode. For all I care it's because I will be leaving again, leaving for good. And, fuck (excuse my language), but I've said so many goodbyes in my life, it's just absurd. It is so odd to see people now, people at work and other friends, and know that in a few days I will be gone, and I will probably never see them again. It's like a huge part of my everyday life is going to be torn out of me. It will be gone. I can feel tears build up several times throughout the day. I can feel falling due to lack of energy. I can feel that I am working too hard, I am ignoring my senses. I just keep moving even though I should stop for a moment and take a deep breath. I should ignore haters, cut them out of my life. Cut the cord. I should fight for friends that are worth keeping. But I am scared, I am scared that I actually deserve to be hated. I am scared that if I keep the good friends I will be hurt even more. It is just so much easier to become distant, to be cold. I am so tired of being forgotten. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd. I want to be different. I am different.

I will not change, I will keep going until I collapse. But I will rest as soon as I physically get away from here. My mind is still going to wonder about, I will always be thinking about things I did, and choices I made. But I need a new view, a new setting, somewhere where I can think thoughts that count, thoughts that make at least a little sense.

I can't let them bring me down. I am not going down. I feel like giving up, and at some points it is unbearable, but I know that it is crucial to keep going, to keep going for the things I've set for myself in the near future. I deserve to do things for a better future for myself, no one will make me believe otherwise.

P.S. I've created a new blog called Must Keep Going. On the new blog I will, hopefully, be posting things along the way. Here's the link:

Saturday, 18 May 2013


To all the haters and non-believers.
There is no such thing as impossible. That's what winners call giving up. "Quitters never win, winners never quit." You can all tell me otherwise. You can keep calling me crazy, because that's what I am.

But it's hard to always stay strong. It's hard to stay positive when no one has the courage to back me up and believe in me. It's hard that instead of supporting me, helping me you do the exact opposite.

For every gram of strength I gain, there is someone who hatefully takes it away. I need all support possible, but even the people who I expect it from are simply not there for me.
"The worst part about being strong is that no one ever asks if you’re okay."
I'm trying so hard to transfer all that negative energy into more will power.

Despite you all, I still believe in myself, and there is no way you can take that away from me. You can try, and it ill only make me stronger. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

One day this will all be gone and I will remember that I did something that others would never even think of doing. I am, and will be different. I will succeed.

I remain as the girl that said goodbye before saying hello. I will be gone and most of them will not even remember my name or my face. But I'd like to think that they will remember something, a small thing I did or said. Everyone I've met has helped me to form the person I am today, they all have made changes, alterations, if you will. Some for better, some for worse, either way I am here now the way I am. And I'm happy not because I like my life or everything around me. But I'm happy because of the way I can make people feel. It is power, it is a special trait. I know I've made people feel bad, but I've also made people feel good. It is a conscious choice how you treat people. It doesn't just come as an instinct. It is your choice how you make others feel. It is your words and your action that matter. You simply have to pick the right people, you simply have to pick the right people..

So here I am now, ready to yet again say goodbye. I'll put on that smile. I will walk tall. I will make you all believe that I am happy. But it's important that the message is out there I will miss these days, I will miss the people, and the comfort I am in. I am scared for it all, and I know things will be tough. I know I will struggle during the journey and after it. Couple of very hard months are coming right up. But I know that I will be proud of myself. And in the end of the story called life, it will all be worth it. "Nothing worth having comes easy."

I'll prove them all wrong!

Thursday, 9 May 2013


"Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving."

And that I will do.
I'm planing to get back on my bicycle, just this time i'll be better prepared.
So here I will make a list of things that I have, things that are on the way and things that I still should purchase.

-Spare Tube
-Travel Insurance

-Padded Shorts
-Safety Vest
-First Aid Kit
-Emergency Blanket
-Handlebar Ends


Tuesday, 30 April 2013

"Wonderful World"

This song pretty much explains how i see the world, not all of it, but some lines are spot on.

Now Playing: Nine Horses - Wonderful World


It’s a wonderful world
And you take and you give
And the sun fills the sky
In the space where you live

It’s a day full of dreams
It’s a dream of a day
And the joy that it brings
Nearly sweeps her away

It’s a wonderful world
As the buildings fall down
And you quicken your step
‘til your feet leave the ground
And you’re soaring above
All the sorrow below
And you’re falling in love
With those you don’t know

And your heart feels so wide
And your heart fills so strong
It was never a place
That you felt you belonged

It’s a wonderful world
Full of wonderful things
And the people fall down
And abandon their dreams

(I hear him, he’s talking out loud
Sometimes he whistles while walking
How could he know any better?
I weep for him, I weep for him now)

It’s a wonderful world
It’s a real crying shame
Cos she’s hurting herself
In a violent way
And there’s people she knows
That won’t even try
And they’re trapped in their lives
Feeling terrified
And it’s in times like these
That she promised to call
But the scale of our love 
Is diminished and small

It’s a wonderful world
And she doesn’t know why
She wakes up each day
And continues to cry

(He’s sleeping his troubles away
He’s finding it too hard to bear
I’m with him every step of the way
I weep for him, I weep for him now)

It’s a wonderful world
And you take and you give
And the sun fills the sky
In the space where you live

Saturday, 13 April 2013


Life keeps changing around me. There are some things that remain constant, however, there are also things that don't stop changing. I keep changing in ways I never thought possible, outlook on life keeps changing as well.

You know how there is people who talk a lot about doing something. Well I'm one of them. But in some ways I've finally begun actually doing stuff. I should't get too excited though, since there still are many plans that I have not completed yet, for instance, letter for future me, or finishing reading this book I started several months ago. What I am saying is that there is still a lot of place for improvement, and I know I am getting there.
So here is my gym story. I finally joined a gym, that happened on the 28th of February (the day my third nephew was born (: ). And I've been attending the gym not less than four times a week for seven weeks now (for those who are looking at the logistics, the first week was before I even joined, went there on a guest pass). I love it there! Keeps me out of the flat, keeps me feeling good. Soon after joining I started to go to Zumba classes on Tuesday mornings. And now I'll start to go more often in the mornings. Doing some cardio in the morning is a great way to start the day. I go to many other classes too, my favourite is Body Attack. Plus I've also begun to eat breakfast on a daily basis. I've built some muscles that I never knew I had. I feel stronger. 

I've met a guy there at the gym, and he asked me out. But I can't seem to care to reply to the last text message. He asked me out despite the fact that I told him about my plans of moving soon. He is nice, smart even (a rare bread!), but I don't like where it's going. So I don't know if I'll get back to him. I'll see him at the gym when his tattoo heals, and it will be awkward at first, but I'll get over it. 

My brother is here for four weeks now. He's not found a job yet, and is starting to annoy me a lot. I know I could be more supportive, but the way his first two weeks went here, I just can't be bothered. He has to try harder, but he is not doing anything. This morning my flatmate was asking him if I'm at work, and he replied not yet. I was raging! He sits about the house all fuckin day, and I am home one day in I have no idea how long. He still hasn't fucking learned that I'm off every Saturday. I know it's a little thing, but all this shit is piling up, and I keep it in, because I know he is my bro and I can't be a bitch. I wish he was actually looking for a job. FUCK!!! He's not doing anything. How does he not understand that I can't fucking keep supporting him? 

Friday, 5 April 2013

The Cute Guy

The cute guy at the gym started up a conversation

Sunday, 31 March 2013


What is a feeling? I've never really understood what it meant when someone says: "I've got feelings for you." Well, so do I, but what kind of feelings? I don't know. I can feel cold, warm, scared, tired. But what is it like to feel love for another being that is not your family? How is it possible to have any feelings towards someone? I don't get it. This is so confusing. What is love?

How is it possible to have feelings for someone you don't care about? How can you suddenly care of this one person when before there was nothing to care about? Why is this so confusing?

Right now I feel so empty,
And someday won’t be ending,
Until I’ve done all that I can,
All that.
Until I’ve done all that I can.
One day, it’ll get easier,
'Cause right now,
I feel so simple,
Until I’ve done all that I can,
All that.
Until I’ve done all that I can.
And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."
Oh, hello hello hello,
I’m right here.
I’m right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterdays news.
I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.
Oh, my hands hurt from holding your hands.
And I’m young but it’s hard to believe, yeah-e-ah,
That someday I will never see you again.
And you might not believe this,
But you’ve changed me so much.
But baby (baby) it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah. 
But right now I wish I was older,
And right now,
You look so simple.
Now is not my time.
No, no,
Now is not the time,
And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."
I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."
I'm right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterday’s news.
I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.
Oh, my hand hurts from holding your hand.
And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,
That someday I will never see you again.
And you might not believe this ,
but you’ve changed me so much.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause someday I will never see you again.

I think love doesn't simply appear out of nowhere.
There is no love at first sight.
It's probably lust, a spark, maybe, but it isn't love.
Love grows, from a small seed it grows into a tree.
It's an odd tree, it requires nurture or just good laughs. 
It's complex, every tree is so very different.
But the bigger any tree grows, the tougher it is to cut it down.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Happy Much?

Life is getting to be more compete. I have set some sort of goals. While i might still not know what i want out of life, i can say I'm happy for now, I've gained a perspective on life. I've formed a personality of my own. And more and more my carelessness of other's opinion grows in size. I have faith in me and my future, no matter what it brings.

I'm very proud of myself that i can say that I'm happy and truly believe it. I've been let down by others and myself. But it seems that all the faith I've had in humanity has turned to faith in myself. This planet might still be doomed, but at least I'm happy. And you can be judgemental all you like.. i could not care less for what you have to say about me.

I feel like a melody, i feel like a weightless leaf that's falling from the highest branch of the tallest tree. It's windy and i could end up anywhere. That's how i see myself in life. And as long as I'm as happy as i am now, i will not mind landing even in a puddle. I love puddles.

Life now is a neat 7!

Thursday, 7 March 2013


This picture has a significance to me. This image is now my background image on my phone.

What the heck, I might just break the news to you: I AM HAPPY.
Yeah, I can say it out loud, I scream it out! I really am happy. All those things I've known, learned, studied, read about...all that material I've laid my eyes on about how to be happy has finally sunk in. It is here, right here in my mind, and now I am using all the tools I have. Not all the tools, because not everything I know is relevant. But now instead of thinking how to be happy, or why to be happy. I just simply tell myself that that is how I feel. What is even more odd is that in my head I don't say You have to do this and this, or this is what you should have said. Instead, I simply think to myself I am happy, I will do this and that. This change has been happening over the past month or so, not more than that. I've reprogrammed my mind in the last three weeks. I am the same me, but yet I am much, much different. I am happy!

And I can't stop smiling now that I'm writing this post.
This feels odd.
This feels great!!

Sunday, 24 February 2013

"This ain't a scene"

Life just keeps flipping around .. every day.
So now I have, what I'd like to call a "pet". Yup, that's definitely what I would call it. As of yesterday Kristaps is living with me. I'm here just trying to be a good friend. But i feel like i'm making the wrong choice.  Eh, what the heck. OMG i just wanna like emm, idk . this sucks. oaefguhjjqrykut6lie39i7mjyehfbgdv

Saturday, 26 January 2013

A Week Ago

It's been a week since I moved. And just about yesterday I realized that I've lived in four places in the last 12 moths. How crazy is that? It's a rhetorical question, no need to answer. It seems like all I've been doing is looking for a new room to rent.
Anywho, I really hope that this place will be satisfying enough to not have to move again any times soon. At least not while I'm in this city.
I moved to a place where I was least likely to move to. A flat on the other end of the city, meaning I have to take public transportation in the morning to get to work. (I am a person who can not stand crowded buses!!!) Before I used to walk almost everywhere, but now I have a bus pass, so I choose to take the bus even if for a short distance.
Second is that I live with one person, a guy, from a different ethnic background. While originally I was looking to live with more than one person, since I've always believed it is more fun to live with more people. While I don't necessarily like people with me all the time, i like knowing that there is someone in the house. And well, I chose a flat that is not very cheap, the rational part of me would have gone with a not-so-good flat with cheaper rent.
So I contradicted myself in every way, chose something that I was least likely to choose. This surprised not only me, but people around me as well.

Last Saturday I was out with some friends, and got home at around 3 am. I had to be in work on Sunday, so I went straight to bed to get at least a little sleep. At 7 am there were police officers banging at the door (welcome to the neighbourhood), they had received a call from my flatmates cell phone, and they had come here to check if everything was ok. However, my flatmate wasn't home, so it was quite frustrating. The police, and I called him several times, but he refused to share his location. It was so confusing!!!
But in the end everything turned out well, and I even made it on time to work.
On Monday was poker night, but Bar 10 was closed and no one had been informed that it will be shut for the night. So we all just went to a casino to play poker there, but i had little luck and lost soon. Played some Blackjack, that turned out to be fun, since I got some money out of it! :P
Rest of the week went by pretty well. Work is like usual, just getting to it is a hassle, it's not a hassle, but ugh, i just dislike going to work by bus. When it's time to get home, it literally takes ages. OK, NO it does not, but it takes long. I don't like this. But I'll get used to it.
On Thursday I bought pizza. Had watermelon for dessert. And topped the evening with loads of Youtube videos (enjoyed the unlimited wi-fi).
Friday I went out with two gals. The club was alright, but one of the girls got sick soon, and started disappearing on us. So we found her and had to call it a night a bit earlier than expected. By the time I got home I too got a bit sick. Probably because too much drinks had been mixed (wine, champagne, gin, apple sourz....). And today I had a bad hangover, I don't usually get that.. It was not a pleasant morning. Spent rest of the day watching Big Bang Theory and Bones.
My life really seems empty at the moment, maybe I need a new hobby, or just pick up an old one...?

Friday, 18 January 2013


I am one of a kind, not because that's what they all say. And not because it is original to be different, but because I really am like no one else. There are several things that bring me out of the crowd. Tonight, for instance, it is the fact that I learn from my mistakes.
I made a choice once, and I regretted it. And then I felt silly, since I knew that if I hadn't done what I did, then I would still feel the same, but for different reasons. BUT now, I simply know to not do that again.

I am like no one else because I know what I want and I do everything possible to not achieve it. And when I finally do the right thing, I fail. It's pathetic. (But really it's just Murphy's law.) I'm doomed to fail regardless of any other external (or internal) factors.

I'm tired. I want to go to bed, but I can't; not today, not now. I want to say what I think, but I can't.. and I never will, not about this one thing. It's called life. It sucks on every possible level. And yet I enjoy it, it must be the masochistic side of me speaking.

Anywho, I'd like to say one more thing, no several more things, but not now...not ever.

P.S. Men are stupid. (Just so you don't forget!)

Tuesday, 15 January 2013


Yeah, the title doesn't lie, I will be moving, yet again(!!!) this weekend. I don't have a plan as to how I'm going to move my things. I'll probably end up taking a taxi; the big one, since I have quite a few things to move. Whats even more bazaar is that I will now be living at the almost opposite end of the city. I'll be roughly the same distance away from city center. But now I will have to take the bus every morning to work. Now that's something that will be hard to get used to!

Anywho, it has been an elaborate, exhausting process to find a new place, ie. a new room to rent.
Things will be different, and I doubt they will be better. Yeah, my hopes are not high up. I mean until now, the last two-three moths have been more or less great. No, that's a lie, they have not been great. But it was good, in a really odd way it's been a good few weeks.
Besides living five minute walk away from work has definitely bee a luxury.

Saturday, 12 January 2013

Man Sāp Galva

Es nezinu cik ilgi es šito vājprātu izturēšu. Bet turos. Bļins, turos par spīti visam.
Gribu ieritināties mazā kūniņā un tā arī palikt.

Sunday, 6 January 2013


2013 has just begun, and it's already been quite a journey. Problems keep appearing, some out of nowhere. Other problems I seem to fetch out of thin air. You know how I am, I like complicating everything. 

But I've decided to make some lemonade. You know, when life gives you lemons.. ;)
Gotta take what ever I can, and the past few days have been a nightmare, to say the least. So very few good things are happening. None. Zero. Close to zero. Just because I'm positive. And I shall keep this attitude no matter what.

Oh, I just remembered, I've gotta read my letter to myself. And write a new one for the future me. :D

Hehe, maybe I'll do that when things settle down. Now life seems to be a bit of a chaos.

P.S. Is it ok to be an ass to people for own benefit? I don't really do that often, so feels a bit odd. But this person has been an ass to me, so he deserves it. FUck. I don't care. :P

Saturday, 5 January 2013

You Should Know This

There is this thing that I have to tell you. You really deserve to know this. However, there are obstacles. There are facts, even digits in this fragile issue. This is not a quantity, this is an issue. It concerns only me and you, and no body else. Which is why I can not tell you. I have to, but my lips are sealed. My voice is mute, I can not say a word, not to you, not about this one thing. So it is easier to avoid you all in one, it is easier to stay astray and doodle off into my own little world. It is actually better this way.

You have to know just this one thing. You deserve that. It's the least I could do to support fairness in this world. But you've betrayed me once, twice, three times.. It became too much to count. So this time, when it really is a matter of your concern, I will make an exception. I will be selfish and put myself first. It might be about you, more that one could think, but it's more so about me. It is me.

I can not tell you. You would not know how to react. You would panic even. You'd lose your head. But me, I've got a special skill to handle such issues. I'll live through it.
I want to share with just one soul, just some one, anyone really. But no one would understand. No one has the ability to understand, even you don't.
I'd tell you. I'd tell you because it would be so much easier for me. I'd tell you because you have a right to know. I'd tell you because just maybe you'd have an opinion, or a previous experience. Maybe we could put our minds together and deal with this.
Who am I kidding? You would never help me out, even if it was for your own good. I can not tell you, for it is a secret. You talk to much, and your mouth is too big. I could not deal with thinking that too many ears know my secret.

So I will keep it to myself, and not tell a single soul. Eventually everything passes, and life returns to a certain cycle. But as I deal with this, all I ask is for you to leave me alone. Leave me be, and don't you dare even ask what's wrong. Because deep down we both know that you couldn't care less about me.

This shall be the second real secret in my life that no one knows. Ever. It will never be written down. It will never be said out loud. It is something that will pass. And maybe, just maybe, I'll forget about it one day.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Koka Karote Azotē

Vakar nopirku koka karoti, jo accoding to Kristaps mājās nebija koka karote. Atnākot mājās es konstatēju, ka rosola bļodā ir koka karote, un ne jau tā kuru es nopirku. Man jau patīk, ka, kad Kristapam kaut ko vajag tas pekšņi ir, bet, kad man vajag, tad nekad nekas nav. Es nevaru ciest, ka cilvēki pret citiem izturās kā pret sūda gabaliem un sevi vērtē augstāk par jebko citu.

Tagad mājas ir koka karote. Ir divas.

Bet es te tā pat drīz vairs nebūšu, un savu koka karoti es ņemšu līdzi.
Pie velna viss.

Tagad skan: The xx - Fiction