Letter

Dear,

It's hard to be here so far away from you. I am distancing myself, it's a defence mechanism, there is nothing I can do to stop it. When I'm with you, I'm there 100% and more. When we're together I embrace every second I'm there. I smile at you so much it hurts my cheeks. The day blends together with night, there is no time; it's just moments we get to spend together. 

I go through my day thinking about you. I wonder what I would be telling you now, or how I'd be playing with your hair. I fly away remembering how beautiful your kisses feel.

But then I trail away to reality - I'm here, and you're there - far away. And I wonder what you are doing, what you are not telling me, and what you are telling me. I wonder how tough is work for you, and how evil your boss is this day. I wonder how your family is doing. I wonder if all the things you tell me are true. I wonder about when I might see you again.. That is, of course, if I ever will see you again. I wonder how badly I want to see you smile. And then, again, I wonder if all that is the truth. 

I want to quit, and I want to leave it be. But then again, I don't want to hurt you (that is, if all what you say is the truth). I thought I could handle this, I thought it would be so much easier, but it's not. And as time goes by, it only becomes harder to bare. I want to smile when I think of you, but yet there is this tiny tear that meets the corners of my eyes. I dream for all the adventures we might be going on, but then I think of how I will back out on the last moment. I dream. Yes, lately you've even showed up in my dreams, and then I wake up all rested in the morning. I wake up well, but then I open my eyes and you're not there next to me. You're far, far away. 

I wish I had the strength to tell you this, because there are so very little things that are left unsaid. I feel well with you, and I feel like I can actually trust you. But then there are moments when doubt arises and it brings me to tears. Everything is so uncertain. 

But I will stay here, at times I'll be all for you, but other times I'll let a call from you go astray, even though hearing your voice is like a raindrop in a desert.

I'm here now, 

but I believe it will not be for long,

truly yours... 

Gone for Good

Is it possible to change everything? Just for the night i'd want to be with you, there in your arms. We could pretend that there is no sky. We'd switch off the gravity. We'd fall in love like Romeo and Juliet. We could turn all the clocks sideways so they'd get confused. And so we'd gain more of the precious time. How about we forget the past for a second. What's gone is gone for good; i'd never want that back. But truth be truth: i miss you. No, i simply miss you when you were at your best.
Remember how we danced in the rain. Do you remember how nor the time nor the place mattered, as long as we had each other, we were good for the day. Do you remember talking to strangers like they were our pals. Do you know why it was so? We really were strangers to each other. I loved jumping into other cultures with you, it was great to experience all that with someone who was more than a friend. Do you remember how i refused to hold your hand. It must have pissed you off. My temperament is too hot for you, you couldn't handle me.

Do you remember turning off the lights?

Does any of that ring bells?

How about walking home together and singing odd songs that we both knew by heart. Do you remember how we yelled at each other at the bus stop? Do you even remember what we were fighting for?
I don't..

Do you remember holding my hand while others weren't watching? We got caught, you weren't careful enough. But i know why, i really do. I recall you telling me things that you said no other soul knows. I know you opened up. And even though there was nothing there..not even a second worth remembering, i'd like to spend this one timeless second with you.

You see, we used to dance to sweet music. We always kissed like stars were upon our heads. We lied to each other several times... And once you even said that you loved me.

I Got it Fugured Out!

Alright.
Remember when I said than "Men are made of dissapointment"?
(Here)

.. couldn't figure what women were made of. Well, you'll be pleased to know, that I've got an answer. I could tell you several stories that lead me to this conclusion, but that would be going into far too much detail. No one wants that, right?

So, here it goes:

Women are made of wit.

What do You think? Pretty cool, huh?

Haven't we all wanted to become dancers?

Long weekends are devastating. I am tired and I shouldn't be. It is Sunday. NO! Long past that; five and a half hours past that. I need to sleep. I hate that I am such a terrible procrastinator. I really do. I ate too much during the last two days and I decided to punish myself for that. I was cleaning the house for about six hours straight. I figured, OK, I need some exercise and I know that cleaning is a very good type of exercise since it allows to move different types of muscles. Aside from making myself my own slave (now I realize how dumb it sounds) I also drunk about six liters of tea. Sri Lanka tea. I love it and that really helped to me drink that much of it. It is Victoria day in Canada (hmmm, I don't think Quebec cares much about Victoria, will have to check that). So it is a national holiday, meaning all (fine, fine, almost all) the stores are closed and school is off, therefore we had a three day long weekend. Any other time I would be overwhelmed with joy, but for an unknown reason, this time I wish it was the regular two-days-off weekend.

I am a loser in every one of my worlds. Just had to say it, so it is said.

We teased a friend the other day, he mentioned that most male dancers are homosexuals, to which we had a sweet laugh at referring to the fact that a week earlier he told us that when he was a kid he wanted to be a dancer. I know You don't care. At all. But HEY, I DO! :P

Just to not get You confused, I am not suggesting that we all are homosexuals. The title of the post was for a totally different reason. I just put the anecdote in because it was a thing to laugh at, and I like laughter, since I don't have enough of it lately ever. The same dude told us that he gave up on his dream to become a dancer because his mom had told him that he would not be successful, (I don't remember, but something along those lines). This idea made and eruption in my mind. How many of us have given up on a dream because we were discouraged by someone whose opinion we valued? For some reason I feel like calling this kind of act as illegal and punishable by law. People need each other to survive through the rough days (that are ironically caused by other people), we need each other when everything seems lost and when we need a small push so we can keep on going.

How many people have the access to this kind of support?

How many of You know that YOU need to support someone as well?



P.S. I have to tell You that MuffinGoddess found the song of the day for the 19th of May. (It was You by Breaking Benjamin)

i am a hobo?!

Hello. It is Sunday. I would say that it is my favourite day of the week, but that is not true, so i will avoid that. We were planing to go to Montreal today to visit some places. You know, since dad is here for just one more week. But that fell apart because apparently the places where we wanted to go to are closed due to effing Canadians who are striking, as if they have no hobbies, but that. So we will be going to the museum of civilization to their new exhibition. I plan to not like it, though i am afraid that i will, a little.

The line of the day that was born in my head this morning is "I dreamt I am a hobo and i woke up tired". It is true, i did dream that i am homeless. I just think that there is something to think about. Since some think that being a hobo is easy, they think that they get money from the people who are nice enough to give change to street people and that they get food at soup kitchens and garbage, and shelter in the homeless shelters that are here and there around the city. Others say that they don't work, so they can not possibly be tired. I disagree. In the dream i was crazy looking for a place to stay for the night that had became unusually cold. I do not recall the reason why i was living on the street or how i ended up with no shelter for that very night. I remember being hungry and i remember that i was unable to ask people for help, just because i know how most people look at hobos. I was ashamed to be where i was. I recall being hungry and unable to eat, and i recall needing to use a washroom and i had no access to one. So absurd.
I remember that some odd family had a shed and they were happy to help me out, for the night at least. There was a girl who was about my age and we played chess on a hand drawn chess table and half of the figurines were missing. It didn't matter, we just played, she told me to pretend that i am just taking over someone's game who had lost some of the worriers. And so i did that. It was fun to play since no one cared who will win or who will lose - we were happy that we had something.. And i'm not talking about the chess board, i'm talking about the company each of us had. I was lucky to be in a shelter for the night. The girl was happy to have a someone to play with and the parents of that girl were glad that their daughter could be happy, at least for the moment.

Things like these make me remember how lucky i am to have a place to live in and a family that is there for me, even if not always they are right here beside me. So many people have no clue of what it is like to don't have the primary needs of a human being. It is ridiculous of what they think they deserve.. Preposterous.

too much to carry

Hello. March break is OVER. School tomorrow. It was OK. Went to Sudbury with part of da family. Visited some museums, got to see how real mining goes. Had a relaxing time. Oh, and my dad is here in Canada now, he got here a week ago and is staying two more weeks. I plan to go clubbing on friday, but i am not sure if i will. Maybe i will just go to friend's house and chill. Also, i have re-started to go to the gym. I'm very, very happy about that! Luv ya all.

And, here are some random questions and answers. You don't have to read them. I just did it for myself. But You may if You really, really want to. 

From now on, you can't tell lies, are you ready?

bring it on

When you go to the beach do you swim or lay out more?

Swim

If you were pregnant, would you keep the baby?

probably

Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

it's alright

Who was the last girl you talked to?

some girl at the museum in Sudbury

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don't talk to anymore?

yes

When was the last time you had ice cream? What kind was it?

one or two months ago, chocolate + walnut & maple syrup

Last person you went swimming with?

can not recall that

Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't?

not really

How late did you stay up last night?

around one at night

How many kids do you want?

now- none, haha, later on, time will tell, maybe 1, maybe 6, hihi

Is it easy for someone to make you smile?

depends, friends usually can do that better

What was the last drink you had?

kefir

Would you rather spend a day outside with friends or inside alone?

now, outside with friends. sometimes, inside alone.

Would you go back in time to change something?

nope

How are you feeling?

lame

True love or a billion dollars?

billion dollars, i would spend some of the cash to find the true love, and than we will have money to spend on our happily ever after

Has anything happened within the past month that has made you angry?

yes

Are you happy?

sure

What are you craving at the moment?

go to da gym, but i have to leave in an hour, so i can't really make it on time, but it's ok, i'll go tomorrow after school, meanwhile i will stick to Laima candy.

What is more important in a relationship, happiness or trust?

trust? happiness? trust? happiness? aren't they linked? trust, i suppose, cuz if there is trust than there can be happiness, with no trust there will be no happiness.

Are you in a good mood right now?

define 'good mood'..cuz i don't know

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?

haha, not that i can remember

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?

put the keys back in my bag

Name some things you would never tolerate in a relationship?

rudeness and disloyalty

Whats the best thing that happened to you today?

i woke up

What is the cutest text message you have ever gotten?

can't name any specific one, but it would probably be some x-mas msg with a criminally cute rhyme in it

Do you trust people?

very, very rarely

What's your favorite color to wear?

green

Have you cried today?

no

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?

clean water

Have you ever thought you were gonna die?

no, i don't think about my death at all

Do you love the last person who called you?

think it was some rogers person or something like that! sad, i know.

Could you date someone taller than you?

haha, yes i could and i would.

Do you sleep on your back?

i sleep on my bed.

What are you listening to?

alternative, indie, jazz and other chit too.

Next time you will kiss someone?

sure

Where do you want to go?

clubbing

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them?

no, i don't think so

Have you ever been heartbroken?

lol, i have no heart to brake, so i guess so.

How did you feel when you woke up today?

happy it was sunday

Do you cry easily?

depends on the subject matter, sometimes i'm too sensitive, other times i'm a heartless monster

Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

yes

When was the last time you watched a horror movie?

~two weeks ago

Do you have any drugs in your room?

nope, never had any

Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your bf/gf?

if she slept with my bf how can she be classified as my BF?

Think of the person who has hurt you the most in the past year, who is it?

can't tell ya, i'm not a teller, i'm a keeper.

Do you love it when you say something the same time as someone?

love? no way. but it can be sorta cool.

What were you doing at 7:00 am?

sleeping

Ever receive a really long apology?

too long

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?

yes

When is your birthday?

september

Are you a forgiving person?

yeah

Are you wearing makeup?

not right now

Anywhere you'd rather be right now?

far, far away. the woods of argentina, india, the moon, anything, as long as it is far away.

Does your phone ring in the middle of the night often?

there have been some crazy weeks, but not most of the time

Does the last person you held hands with mean anything to you?

no

Is anything bugging you right now?

a lot of things are bugging me all da time

What woke you up this morning?

the human instinct

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

if i really had to..

Do you have alcohol in your house?

yes

Do you miss being little and careless?

yeah, especially the carelessness.

Are you very sensitive?

i suppose

How many times did you go see the Twilight movie?

once, oh no, twice, i watched it the second time right before watching new moon

Where did you meet the last person you were in a car with?

don't know how you would categorize meeting your family.

Do you listen to music everyday?

not every day

Do you have any energy drink or soda cans laying around?

no

What color are your nails usually painted?

redish, pinkish, or the no colour one

What is your favorite number?

why would i have one?

Do you know your family members' birthdays?

yeah, but knowing is never enough

Do you have any tests or exams soon?

probably a test sometime soon

Coffee: Love it or hate it?

neither, i simply don't do coffee, it gives no effect

Are you going to go to bed, take a shower, or look for another survey when this over?

i will have to leave shortly, so none of the above.

What color hair elastic did you last use?

a round one. :D

How was your sleep?

alright

Last thing you did to someones hair?

just played with it, lol

Did anyone say they loved you today?

no

Are you more comfortable waiting or making something happen?

depends on how i feel

Have you ever kissed in the snow?

yeah

Are you good at standing up for yourself?

think so

Do you like being there for people?

love it

Do you often feel like you're becoming someone you don't want to be?

yeahh

Do you think you’ve made a difference in anyone’s life?

i think so

Are you starting to realize anything?

yes, too much

Ever lay under the stars with someone that you love?

sorta

Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person?

yeah

When did you last weigh yourself?

in the morning

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?

yes

Is there someone you really can't stop thinking about?

used to be

What’s the worst feeling in the world?

that you've got nowhere to go for support in a critical moment

Do you feel like there's something missing in your life?

sorta

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word, drama?

my drama class.

Do you think relationships are hard?

not sure

Does it bother you when someone lies to you?

i simply hate it

Are you open about your feelings or closed off?

closed off

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?

naa

What are you doing right now?

getting ready to leave, and this

Who were you last talking to on Facebook chat?

offline always

What's your favorite colour?

green

What Are you doing tomorrow?

school-home-gym-home-sleep

Are you in love?

no

Have you ever taken a picture of your eye?

once or twice

Do you actually have a favorite flower?

no

Can you change a printer cartridge?

yes

Do you have sensitive skin?

yes

Do you recognize Justin Timberlake’s songs?

yeah

When did you last have a cookie?

today, i think

Are you lactose intolerant?

no

Are you a sarcastic person?

haha, not at all.

lol, yes i am.

Who were you in middle school?

i was her

Passion of Skating with the Love of Fun

Shuuuu-upa. So.
English Exam was OK. I suppose. Well i think (at least i suppose that is what people call thinking) that it was not too hard. Our teacher really helped us to get ready and we went through examples from previous years and all that jazz. She told us what to expect and what the questions are going to be. Not exact. but as much as she was allowed to tell us. The exam is in two parts, a sight passage and an essay. Since it is a Board wide exam every grade 12 student in Ottawa-Carleton District School Board who had English in the first semester was writing this exam at the very same time as me and my class mates. The exam begun at 8:45 in the morning on Friday and we had two and a half hours to finish it (it was suggested that you spend 60 minutes on the sight passage and 90 on writing, planning and reading over your essay). In the first part there was a short written text that had to be read and then there where 5 questions. The first question on these exams is always to restate the writers thesis. Our teacher told us that they are looking for two ideas. The first is more broad and the second is more specific. The second question had a choice. There were four methods of development and you had to pick two, state the definition, find an example in the text and then state how that is the correct example. In this one i did good since in the last couple days of school our teacher gave a list of literary terms and told us which ones are more likely to be on the exam. In the third question we had to choose one of three given stylistic devices, and then the same as previous - definition, example, and why it is a good example. This i did well too. The next question had two parts to it. The first was to find one or two specific words that state the diction in a specific paragraph or sentence and the second part was to state the tone and, of course everything had to be proven. The last question was a personal response question. There was a choice of two sentences from the text and we had to choose one of them, say what the authors point of view is (in own words) and then say if we agree or disagree, and say why our opinion is as it is with examples and personal experience. I was done with this within an hour (just as was recommended). Then there was the second part. They gave us 4 essay prompts and by using one work studies in this year (for me the choice was, Brave New World, The Wars, Waiting for Godot and King Lear). I wrote about Brave New World. Chose the first prompt and it was something about how societal norms cause a character to struggle as reaching for his/her goals. Wrote about Bernard Marx. I wrote it in no time. Then read over it and was done within two hours in total. Then i left the room and felt sorta good.

Today i was planning to be on time to my Spanish class. It starts at 9:00 in the morning and it would take me about half an hour to get there, buts since buses don't come on request to get there before nine i have to leave at 8:15. My alarm (my silent alarm) was set on seven in the morning, since i was planing to take a shower before leaving. I woke up at half past eight. Was 20 minute late and came in to realize that there was a test today. I am 94% sure that i failed this one. I wasn't there last week, so i had no idea we were having a test. In today's class we (surprisingly) did not do too much. First the test, it took more time then the teacher though. Then he gave us a short lesson (do not remember on what it was). Then we listened to two songs and translated the lyrics. And the last thing we did was listened to two chapters of the book we are reading.. Then the bell rung. I got home, changed, ate (it took me two minutes to heat the lunch and two to eat it). Got my stuff together, went downstairs to the basement to get my skates and was on the go to the canal.

Tashpuks organized this because he was planning that the girl he likes will be there. At last minute she had called that she can't come. They met up at one in the after noon and went to the canal together. I was still on my way home at that time so i went and was planning to catch them. After skating for about half an hour i sent a msg to Tashpuks asking how far are they. He did not know (what a surprise -.-). After taking to him and another fella i analyzed the situation and figured that i am way past them. S now i was going back and searching for white coat and a face that i would recognize. There they were. Only four of them. It was two of the three "Russians" (yeah, Plaknis was there too), Tashpuks and the best friend of the girl Tashpuks really likes. Finally found them i was pleased. Skating alone might be fun, but i was not in the lonely mood (i know, not common :D). So now it was taking, laughing and, most importantly, skating with the Love of Fun in our eyes. We skated for quite a while. We got to the big lake thing and then went back. On my way i fell three times. The first was nice, like a dive on the ice. The third time i was not really moving fast and i just fell on my knees. The third time was a pain. Yup, a pain. It was in the last stretch, I was tired, but going pretty fast and then my skate met a big, nasty crack on the ice. I fell on my knees and slid for a little on the ice. This was not like the first one, since i was going much faster. There i was. Flat. At first i didn't really feel any pain. But as i begun to skate my knee was yelling a silent scream and begging me to stop and move no more. I didn't listen. We were almost done. Once we got to the end i dropped dead in the snow. Got off my skates and put my boots back on. Felt odd at first because this was the first time this winter i got on the ice. I was happy it was done. My red cheeks were freezing, but my hands were not, even though i had given my gloves to the other girl, she was freezing all this time. I was not. It was just my face that felt the need to get a hot chocolate. We went up to Rideau center. This is where Plaknis said he had to go. He shook hands with the guys and then.. HE GAVE ME A HUG.
HE GAVE ME A GOODBYE HUG! I felt like making a WTF face, but i didn't. What was he thinking? He had never hugged before, not even on my birthday.
He left and then the four of us went to the food court. Tashpuks and i were drinking hot chocolate and the other two were eating. I was not hungry, my body was still fighting with the two minute meal that it got earlier, before leaving the house. After a while we spent in the food court (i was watching the street outside getting darker and darker and the number of people that depended on how many buses had passes by) they decided to go and play pool. I was tired, exhausted, begging for home, and with a hurting knee so i said goodbye and went home. The bus ride was messed up because there was a black guy (no intention to be racist) sitting next to me who was reading his news paper all over the place. At one point my ribs got bugged by his elbow and at other points the news paper was in my face. I was happy that i lived down town (i mean, very close to it). I got of the bus and tackled the death ice eight in front of the door. I got in and was greeted by a MIaW by Giotto and a dinner that my mom had prepared earlier that day. It was delicious. I watched the cartoon movie about the chicken Running away (forgot the name of it) and now i am here.

I am very hard working on the new years resolutions. I plan to put them back in the side bar. I am trying to eat less carbs. I am trying to learn new things. Actually i have learned two already, now i know what i.e. and e.g. stand for. Do You know? ;D

Fine my love birds. I have two exams next week and a lot of Spanish homework for next Saturday. I plan to do NOTHING tomorrow. Well, maybe i will clean up my room, time will tell. But now i am craving for my soft pillow and comfy night shirt.

Disturbed

Šodien vienam no maniem skolas/klases biedriem izdevās salasīt vienu rindiņu, kas rakstīta uz mana penāļa, maziem smalkiem burtiņiem, tieši zem lielā uzraksta ZĀBAKS: I would cry if my tears weren't frozen. Meitene, kas sēdēja viņam blakus sacīja: "Ohh. That's so sad." Principā bija nedaudz stulbi, jo izskatījās, ka esmu kaut kāds emo. Un ar to vien viņam nepietika, viņš tad pateica: "That's because you drink too much." Uz ko es vien noskatījos, tipa tā, Nu jau gan. Un tad piemetu klāt, ka lai nu kurš, bet viņš dzerot vairāk par visiem.
Es šo cilvēku saucu par manu labāko male friend in Can. Bet nu par to varētu strīdēties un kasīties. Tā pat tas neko nemaina.


AK DIES!!!
Bija plāns rakstīt baigo rakstu, bet atcerējos, ka rīt pēdējā diena, lai pasūtītu Grad Photos, bet man vēl ar mammu jārunā, jo tās bildes maitas dārgas.

Bye kids.

It's a kiss tape thing

Turns out i took a day off.

A day away from life, from problems, prom trouble, away from watching weight, away from reality (though i do that a lot either way), from common sense .... well a break from everything!
Now most of You who are reading are thinking: "How do you do that?" or "What do you mean?" or "That's not possible."... or something like that.
Well here is what i mean..
Life is about creating obstacles, sometimes bigger, sometimes smaller and then taking them down to ensure a certain amount of satisfaction. Or as one of the quotes of the day said "It's all about FACING it." As some of You might know my one love is psychology. I love, simply love looking at life through this lens. But as to everything there is the down side to this one too. I can't stand looking at my own life like that. But i can't help it... Though it KILLS me, i just keep seeing ALL the flaws and it is such a pain. It really is devastating. It is like stabbing your self with a poisoned dagger. And what i see is a pathetic little girl who SETS HER GOALS TOO HIGH. Then she is unable to obtain them and end not only failing, but losing all she had before and ends up with a perfect, so corner ZERO.
So Hello, Im ZERO! Nice to meet you.

Now You all are probably thinking, "what ever, i don't care, but what's up with the 'kiss tape' from the title?" Well now i will tell You.
Do you all know the kisses® camdy? Well that is the key to this post. I was chillin home all day. (ohh, btw i realized that writing a blog is almost like updating YouTube channel but with no video and sound, just the readers interpretation of the post) Anywho, while i was online, i was eating the candies kisses (if you still have no idea what i'm taking about click here for a picture or here for the website (if You have Your speaker on You will hear their lame sound)). And then i bumped in to a kiss candy that had a longer piece of paper (if you are looking at the picture it is the paper sticking out of the top of the wrapped candies, just mine don't read "Hershey's Kisses" but just "KISSES®"). And i was thinking, wow, that is so cool. And the i got the idea of making a even LONGER kisses thing, so from now on, instead of wrapping all wrappers and pieces of papers i left the papers out. So i had a few of them and i taped them all together.
AND THAT IS HOW THE KISS TAPE WAS BORN!
I might even put a picture or two in so You can really get the picture... :D :D
ha ha

Yeah, im cool like that.

I was going to write about all other crap too... but ohh well some other time i guess...
or never! :P
Ohh.. have a marshmalloweee 2010 my sweet lovers.
TeeeeHeeee
Bye.

OMG
I
NEED
TO
GET
OUT
OF
HERE!!
Check THIS out! VERY COOL!


ohh... here is a pic that i sorta said i would show You:

OHH UN dziesma!!!!!!
TIK sen nedzirdēta, bet allaž mīļa
Tiziano Ferro - Rosso Relativo
Smieklīgi ir tas, ka rikai tagad saprotu līrikas. :D
dzisma principā ir par meiteni un par to kā viņš slīkst viņas krūtīs un tml.
Kad pirmo reizi dziesmu dzirdēju par seksu tā pat neko nesajēdzu un dziesmā man tikai patika piedziedājuma pirmās divas rindiņas un jāatzīt, ka meldiņš ar lipīgs! :)

...

An open pore. An open soul for You to stomp and kill. All Yours, there in Your palms. You stabbed me before, so i suppose now again it should be like a hard job made easy. I gave You all and more. I gave You my own little soul as an amulet to keep in the chest pocket, to keep You warm on days when it was an unbearably cold. On days when You needed a pal to tell all You needed to say, to feel like a human again. On days when rain was too tough to take and it caused tears in Your eyes because of sorrowful memories that'd past. On days when nothing was right, You had me there right beside You. I was there to catch You when You would fall. I was there to fix problems that seemed endless. I kept Your soul clean and ready to attack again. You where always ready, and only thanks to me.

Sometimes i wounder how You are doing with out your amulet. Do you often remember those days when you had everything? You had all the world in front of You, but all You could think about was losing the only thing You really had.
I yelled. I screamed. I told you many times. You never listened to me. You through me out like old socks that could be replaced with any other inhumane object. You were wrong. Like any other time when i kept You in safety thought i knew You had done the wrong things. I was always there for You. Your personal saviour. Your guarding angel.

Now it is You. It always haS been You. Once again You have another victim in Your arms. An almost dead soul that has been half murdered by Your own hand already once. I sit here, helpless, as i always have been. I am not begging You. I don't need You to spare my soul, because without You a part of me dies every day. Every single second i scream for Your love. I just wanted You to be there when i fell. ..but You weren't. You let me fall right down on my face.

So now, kill me if You must. Don't leave me half dead one more time. I better die now by my own traitor's hand then later by the deadly sorrows that will murder me because You will not be there to catch the poorly beating heart when it again will almost stop tracking its own blood stream.

Advente

Adventes kalendārs tomēr ir diezgan nožēlojams izgudrojums. Vismaz, kad nonācis manās rokās. Vakar apēdu kādas (tiešām neskaitīju precīzi. kauns? idk) 10 šokolādītes pēc kārtas. Jā desmit. Tagad vairākas dienas būs jāsēž bešā. Adventes vainaga otrā svece otrdien ar tika iedegta neviļus. Īsi pirms divpadsmitiem. "Pareizi, šodien taču svētdiena." Lai gan par aizdecināto svecīšu skaitu es jau aizdomājos no rīta pirms došanās pie datora. ("Kā izskatīsies draugiem.lv ar divām svecītēm 'iedegtām' sākumlapā.") Bet tanī brīdī pas svecīšu iedegšanu nedomāju.

Adventes Ziemassvētku gaidīšanas laiks. Taisnība? Jā, protams, man vienmēr ir taisnība. Domāju, ka vairumam jau tā pat ir zināms, ka es šogad Ziemassvētkus negaidu un negribu. Ziema vispār vairāk nerada jaukas emocijas. Piekāst Ziemu. CANCEL  

Un uz jautājumiem "kāpēc?" neatbildu.

Aizgājušais gads bijis dikti nomācošs un turpina tāds būt. Nav kārē pēc nekāda prieka un dāvanām. Bet ku nu par to?

Sestdien ciemos bija daži draugi. Mans labākais draugs (inCan) ir atradis meiteni, kas viņam šķiet patīk un viņai viņš arī. Man prieks, patiešām. Bija labs vakars. Laikam. Atnāca arī viņš. Jā, draugi. That was the deal. But can I? 

Eh.

Eju gulēt.(?)

PAR SPĪTI. Visam par spīti. Vakar visu nakti mana sirds tupināja pukstēt nomodā. Stunda pēc stundas. Es skaitīju brīžus, kas ritēja kopš brīža, kad šķīrāmies mēs. Bet par spīti visam. Par spīti apskāvieniem tuviem un acu skatiem gausiem es nespēju turpināt tā kā līdz šim. Man sāp, sāpēja un sāpēs. Agri no rīta ar vecu, neizgulētu miegu acīs es pierakstīju, lai atminētos: "..man Tevis pietrūkst. Šodien man Tevis oficiāli pietrūkst." Un viss. Es nespēju vairāk. Nebirt ne asaras žēlas, ne palīgā kliedzieni. Man nav vairs spēka,
jo sāp.
VISS.

Bezmiegā mokās mana miesa. Ko nu? Es zinu ko gribu, bet man pietrūkst spēka. Man nav gana drosmes. Lai cik ļoti es palīgā sauktu, es zinu, ka nenāksi Tu; nenāks neviens. Pārskaitļu pakāpēs mani moka rūgtā sirdsapziņa. Apbērta as saldām cukur lauskām, izkusušām. Nav prieka, nav jēga.
N Ē -
IR. nav. IR. nav. IR. nav. IR. nav. IR. nav.
Kūst viss. Nav spēka. Ko spēju es, kad doma vairs nav tieša. Man atbilde ir, uzrakstīta, bet NAV spēka to nolasīt. Es sameklētu visu. VISU. Bet man vajag, man vajag kā bērnam mātes pienu, man vajag Tavu palīdzību. Vai aļņi ar ragiem vai šallēm. Jā, visam sava vieta.
Tu man tā arī nepasacīji kāpēc!

stolen.

I crumble in my own little shell. Throw out all the left memories and keep my self locked in the blossoms of darkness. In a tiny frame my soul is trapped. I trapped in myself. Cancelled all days and all nights; they are blended together. I would skip all holidays and miss every single celebrating day. This needs to be stopped. Stolen goods from the poor and misread letters from your and mine Buda. Never will i thank You for what you have done. Never again will i be able to appreciate the good things they have done for me.
I don't exist, not in the form that i used to.

words to live by

"No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry."

"I Listen to the Wind, to the Wind of My Soul"

“I’m not a good dancer. But hey...what I’ve learned is that no one’s really watching.”

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

“Law students, especially, are very interesting. Because they think that they know everything. It’s like: 'You kids have no idea.'”

“If you really want to do something, I fully believe—and this has been explained to me over and over and over again—that you make time to do it. Things that I really want to do, I make happen.”

“This can be heaven on earth or it can be, you know, hell, no matter how you look at it.”

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."

"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you have."

"Sometimes you have to stumble in the dark to find the light."

"A real friend will tell you when you have spinach stuck in your teeth."

"I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect."

"If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it."

" There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."

"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it."

"[My] mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely."

"Seen it all, done it all...........can't remember most of it."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"A real friend is someone who you can sit in complete silence with and still walk away feeling like you just had the best conversation of your life."

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."

'I never thought that i could lose one more soul...Nor did i know that i had two.'

Here You go, pick one.

Today was the last show night! It was great! All the plays were so fabulous..
I sort of want more, but at the same time.. isn't that what makes it special, that it came, and now is over..? Yeah, i think so. It was a unique week and most of the people involved will probably not forget that they participated in this.
Tomorrow we are having a Backstage Party at Zoe's house. Almost all the backstage people are going to be there. Can't wait.

I'm still sick. Its not getting any better and makes me wish i was in coma or something. Plus there is Saturday school. I gotta catch up on some homework. Slacked off all week. Yeah. I do that all the time.

Should i go to the party?

The second choice. It was a friends birthday this Wednesday. He turned 19. Good for him! :D Well first he is going to this awesome hotel party that my friend is having, and then they are going clubbing. I was invited too.

Now I don't know what to do. Two parties one better than the other and vice versa. Or I should just stay home since I am still a little sick?

I don't know.

Songs:
Apocalyptica - Fade to Black
All For You - Janet Jackson
Chris Brown - Run It
Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror

"republic of china land" *

*Citāts no Tašpuka otrdienas.

Man vajadzētu izgudrot stratēģiju kā nokļūt atpakaļ uz pekām. Kā devītās klases sākumā, kad tika pildīti visi mājas darbi un nevis tāpēc, ka bija jāpilda, bet tāpēc, ka gribējās pildīt. Bija kāre iegūt jaunas zināšanas un vēlme kaut ko darīt. Tagad ir tikai kāre pēc zināšanām, bet klāt pielipis slinkums. Pieņemu, ka tas tāpēc, ka nespēju saņemties. Ja uz klik pēkšņi viss, kas līdz šim ir neizdarīts pēkšņi būtu padarīts, tad būtu savādāk. Atriešoties pie stratēģijas. Man ir jāmāk savākt savu laiku tā, ka tiek izdarīts viss, kas jādara:

• Visi nepadarītie skolas darbi
• Skola
• Mājas darbi
• Mājas darbi (iknedēļas mājas kārtošana)
• Atpūta
• Draugi
• Ģimene
  
• Svētdienas vakari
• Intereses
• Sports/Notievināšana

Tā ir izlase, nē, galvenās kategorijas, zem tām sakrīt VISS! Sākotnēji domāju izstrādāt dienas plānu katrai dienai. Bet nekas nesanāca, jo nespēju sekot līdzi tam, ko biju saplānojusi.
Tagad domāju, jāatsakās no TV un pēc iespējas mazāk laiks jāpavada pie datora. Tas gan izklausās kā klišē. Jo ķipa tā IR problēma visiem jauniešiem. Bet man kaut kā nav pavisam. Es cauru dienu skatos Cosmo TV kaut kādu sviestu. Un, ja ne to, tad sēžu pie kompja, kaut ko rakstu vai spēlēju Pokeri. Dzīve iet sviestā, bet tas tāpēc, ka man pietrūks spēka atsākt normālu dzīvi. Man nav nekādas iekšējās motivācijas. Nekādas. Pat ne mazākās drumstaliņas. Un, ja ir, tad nav nekas, kas spētu kaut ko virzīt uz priekšu. Vajag plānu, stratēģiju, kas man liktu ne tikai saprast, ka ir problēma, bet arī rīkoties, lai tā tiku risināta..
```un es nezinu kāpēc, bet liekās, ka es šad tad pārspīlēju. Hmm.. man vajadzētu uzrakstīt uz lapas (lapām) visu, kas man IR jāizdara, lai redzu visu tā teikt, the big picture.
citādi esmu apmaldījusies...



Par sestdienu un svētdienu. Kopumā ņemot tuss bija OK! :) Lai gan pēc iepriekšējā rkasta tā nevarēja spriest. Sestdien izstāstīju Mantijai, ka man patīk Rieksts. Kad meitene aizbrauca es neatminos kāpēc, bet arī Karijai izstāstīju par ieķeršanos puisī. Tagad tas vairs nav noslēpums. Ap sešiem no rīta (svētdien) atkal atnāca Mantija. Ar kājām esot stundu nākusi. Es pamodos ap pus 9. Pusstundu nosēdēju pie datora un tad kārtoju māju. Pamatā virtuvi, bet viskatko nācās vākt katrā mājas nostūrī. Kārtošanas laikā izdevās burtiski divas minūtes aprunāties ar Riekstu. Sāku ar jautājumu, vai patika tuss. Viņš teica, ka bija forši, ja vien neskaita to, ka Mantija raudāja un to, ko es izdarīju. Tad viņš man mēģināja ieskaidrot, ka tas, ko es vakarā pīpēju bija zālīte, bet es vēl līdz šim nezinu, vai viņš saprata, ka tā bija tikai cigarete. Nu jā.. es viņam teicu, ka atvainojos jau kādas simts reizes. Beidzās ar to, ka viņš pateica savu tipisko puišu nu labi. It kā tas vairs nebūtu svarīgi. Bet nelikās, ka tas bij atāds, 'atšujies', vairāk kā 'tas vairs nav savrīgi!'. Un es nosolījos tā vairāk nedarīt.
Līdz ~11 cilvēki bij pamodušies. Un pēc tam arī lielākā daļa no palikušajiem tusētājiem devās prom. Palika vien Mantija un Rieksts. (tātad bijām četri, es, tašpuks un viņi divi).. Visu dienu vienkārši ņēmāmies un ārdījāmies. Sanāca vēl neaiziet uz koklēšanu/dejošanu, jo ciemiņi vēl bija pie mums un prom dzīt negribējās, jo bija dikti jautri. Uz vakara pusi skatījāmies TV un rēcām. Te kas labs: Rieksts man sēdēja blakām uz dīvāna un nelikās, ka viņam bija slikti, vai, ka viņš gribētu iet prom. Te uz pleca bija roka un pēdas sarunājās. :D
Ap deviņiem vakarā visi četri aizdevāmies uz Ridō maķīti un viņš nopirka paiku. Es palūdzu kartupeļus. Bet nobeigt nevarēju, jo šādā (vai līdzīgā) ēstuvē pēdējo reizi biju vasarā. Manam vēderam nepatika. Mantija mūs pameta un devās uz autobusu, puikas pabeiza savus dubultos čīzburgerus un tad mēs pavadījām Riekstu līdz viņa autobusa pieturai un sagaidījām kopā ar viņu autobusu. Abi ar tašpuku devāmies mājas...
un tā lūk mani mājas darbi palika neizpildīti! xD

Nu re, tas ir kā tas viss notika. Dažiem gabaliem izgrieztiem un nelieliem sīkumiem pamainītiem, bet tas tikai tāpēc, ka man leikās, ka mamma ar manu blogu lasa.. ja tā, tad esmu ziepēs! xD

bet nu gan -Gulēt marš! :D

Dienas (iespējams, ka nedēļas) dziesma: Kanye Wet - Heartless