Sunday, 29 November 2009


I crumble in my own little shell. Throw out all the left memories and keep my self locked in the blossoms of darkness. In a tiny frame my soul is trapped. I trapped in myself. Cancelled all days and all nights; they are blended together. I would skip all holidays and miss every single celebrating day. This needs to be stopped. Stolen goods from the poor and misread letters from your and mine Buda. Never will i thank You for what you have done. Never again will i be able to appreciate the good things they have done for me.
I don't exist, not in the form that i used to.

Monday, 23 November 2009

words to live by

"No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry."

"I Listen to the Wind, to the Wind of My Soul"

“I’m not a good dancer. But hey...what I’ve learned is that no one’s really watching.”

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

“Law students, especially, are very interesting. Because they think that they know everything. It’s like: 'You kids have no idea.'”

“If you really want to do something, I fully believe—and this has been explained to me over and over and over again—that you make time to do it. Things that I really want to do, I make happen.”

“This can be heaven on earth or it can be, you know, hell, no matter how you look at it.”

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."

"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you have."

"Sometimes you have to stumble in the dark to find the light."

"A real friend will tell you when you have spinach stuck in your teeth."

"I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect."

"If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it."

" There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."

"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it."

"[My] mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely."

"Seen it all, done it all...........can't remember most of it."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"A real friend is someone who you can sit in complete silence with and still walk away feeling like you just had the best conversation of your life."

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."

'I never thought that i could lose one more soul...Nor did i know that i had two.'

Friday, 20 November 2009

"tavas tintes traips"

(jeb ttt)

Šis ir mans otrais blogs. Iepriekš to sauca "empty for now".
Bet tagad tajā nu jau ir sarakstīti daži dzejoļi. Šeit ar laiku salikšu visus savus dzeļojus. Salasīšu no malu malām un tad visi būs vienu viet. Tas protams nebūs tik ātri. Pirmkārt laika taču nav, otrkārt, man ir diezgan daudz dzejoļi, kas ir rakstīti ar roku.
Blogs ir angļu/latviešu valodā. Tas tāpec, ka nevaru izlemt kādā, tāpēc nolēmu, ka būs abas. Labi jau tas nav, bet man tā gribās un viss. Noņēmu datuma opciju, jo rakstīšu pamazām. Un datumu rakstīšu pati, kā jau to esmu darījusi līdz šim. Un blakus "RIVER OF TAGS" varēs aplūkot gadus, mēnešus un datumus, kā arī citas etiķetes.
Ceru, ka drīz, jo drīz varēšu jau jums lielīties, ka blogā ir salikti visi dzejoļi no malu malām.
Bloga adrese arī ir ļoti vienkārša:

ps. Jauno blogu dēvēšu par ttt

Here You go, pick one.

Today was the last show night! It was great! All the plays were so fabulous..
I sort of want more, but at the same time.. isn't that what makes it special, that it came, and now is over..? Yeah, i think so. It was a unique week and most of the people involved will probably not forget that they participated in this.
Tomorrow we are having a Backstage Party at Zoe's house. Almost all the backstage people are going to be there. Can't wait.

I'm still sick. Its not getting any better and makes me wish i was in coma or something. Plus there is Saturday school. I gotta catch up on some homework. Slacked off all week. Yeah. I do that all the time.

Should i go to the party?

The second choice. It was a friends birthday this Wednesday. He turned 19. Good for him! :D Well first he is going to this awesome hotel party that my friend is having, and then they are going clubbing. I was invited too.

Now I don't know what to do. Two parties one better than the other and vice versa. Or I should just stay home since I am still a little sick?

I don't know.

Saturday, 14 November 2009


Tumsa ārā, tumsa prātā, tumsa draugu lokā. Viss vienā tumsā. Jāraud būtu, bet es neķēzīšu savas asaras štruntiem. Un viņam ar ne. Nav pelnījis. Protams, gribējas, lai viss beidzās, tobiš sākās, pavisam savādāk, bet vienmēr jau nevar gribēt visu. [Cik daudz maz vispār esmu girbējusi, bet nu, lai jau!]

Tagad doms par viņu jāmet pie malas. Nākamā ndeēļa būs ārkārtīgi gara, nogurdinoša, vienā skriešanā, bet beigu beigās viss būs tā vērts. Plaīdzētu, ja nebūtu slima. Atklāti - ar katru dienu paliek ar vien sliktāk un sliktāk. Šo laikam esmu no Tašpuka dabūjusi! o.O Vinš visu nedēļu mājas bija, BET es nevaru atļauties mājas sēdēt, NE nākamnedēļ. Ludziņa ko ar draudzeni režisējam nu jau vairāk kā mēnesi vēl aisgājušās nedēļas saakumā nebija laba, bet pēc piketdienas, (kas bija brīva, stundas nenotika) kad vairākas stundas pavaddijām veicot uzlabojumus šķiet, ka gala rezultāts būs tāds, ka varēs ar lepnumu norādīt un teikt: "Tas mūsu darbs!"
Nākam nedēļ līdz ar citām sešām īsām lugām mūsu ar tiks izrādīta četras (!!) reizes. Pirmizrāde būs otrdien pēc Grad Teache Dinner, un izrādes varēs redzēt līdz piektdienai!

Galva kā ar vati piebāsta saap, šķiet, ka tai vajadzētu sprāgt, bet ir biči aptrūcies šaujampulveris. Šeit tumšs paliek jau piecos! Nevaru ciest, bet es paardzīvošu!

Es visu paārdzīvošu.

ps. Pirmais ceturksnis nu ir galā!!

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

written in May 2009.

You are an immortal. And somehow you seem to hate everything about yourself, but your mind always lands on this one little hope, - that no matter what, you have your friend there for you. And you just know thet he is going to love you no matter what.

So, if someone who you bearly know tells u that you are an ugly loser who has no life, you seem to not care. Why? Becuase this person doesn't even know you, there for he can't know anything about your life.

But then your only friend, - the one who you trust more then anything in your life, the one who you love no matter what he has done because he has always been with you in those special moments; and he has held your hand when things have been too tough to handle. - Tells you in your face everything that you hate about yourself, in every detail, with endless floods of hate. He tells you how misrable your life is and what a low-life creature you are.

Your brain sudenly loses sence of reality.
You feel like you are in the worst nightmare that has ever been.
And you close down,
you shut up.You have nothing to say back.
Your eyes fill up with tears. There is so much of them that you could drown.

There is this sudden pain (that has not left since) and you cut your self open and you shoot out everything that you can, just to make him feel like you; though there is no pain that could be compared to this.
There, you and your only friend in the middle of the worst fight that no frindship can survive.
The pain is terrible.

It is as if you are the most sensible being in the whole universe and someone is ripping your heart out. But it woun't, the heart just stays inside your chest in an open wound and keeps on beating.
The pain is so bad that you wish you never had a heart, you wish you never had anything.
You wish you were a mortal. The pain is worse then any phisical pain, then any other emotional pain. It is like surviving an earthquake all by yourself. It is like you are the bridge that was built for a purpose, but can't function. You collapse.

But you hope, you think that a "sorry" might fix it all. It is your last hope to end the pain.
But even after the "sorry"s have been said, the pain is still present, it has decided to stay there forever.
It is never visible to others, but it burns inside of you like an olimpic tourch right by your heart, never stops burnung.

Now, whenever someone tells you those things the pain grows, and even if the fiend is someone who does not know you, it still hurts. No, burns.
Why? Because you know that it is true. Deep beneath the surface you scream to your self, that he is right.

And now, you have no friends, because the pain that abids in you does not let you to get close to anyone - ever - because deep inside you don't want the pain to grow - it is just too hard, it's just too hard, unbarable.
But you do talk to people.
You even talk to the one who caused all this pain. Why? Because you are too wounded to relize that the world keeps on turning. You are ready to bear anything..
But every time you see him you remember that time, and that feeling will never let the pain go.

And you feel like a pathetic dog.
You keep hoping, wishing that some day everything will sudenly go good again.
So you stay loyal to you 'good' old friend and every time you do a favour for him, you feel even more pathetic and useless..
This will never end, because there is this hope that is inside.

...and the pain, it subsists in you,
it has no weekends, holydays, celebrating days.
It has you. .. the pain just lives inside and keeps growing bigger and bigger...

..You just wish you could collapse and end it all, but you can't, because you are an immortal.

... ... ... thats what it feels like.

Tā tas ir bijis pirms tam un tā tas būs mūžīgi! :[