Trešā persona

Kādu rītu es pamodīšos un viss šķitīs kā sapnis. Viss tas, ko dzīvē esmu piedzīvojusi, liksies kā kaut kas ārzemju pasakā izlasīts.

Bet, ja godīgi, tad jau tagad, kad cilvēkiem stāstu, kas esmu, no kurienes nāku un caur kurieni esmu gājusi, es jūtos, ka runāju par kādu trešo personu. Es stāstu par sevi kā par kādu citu cilvēku, kuru gluži vienkārši esmu ļoti labi iepazinusi. Es atstāstu kādu nesen izlasītu grāmatu, vai filmu, kuru šobrīd rāda lielā kinoteātra mazākajā zālē. Es esmu te. Un es sevi prezentēju kā būtni, kas nu tā, starp citu kaut kur ir un kaut ko dara (vai varbūt nedara neko).
Un tad man paliek žēl par to, ka daudz, jo daudz lietu, domu un notikumu paliek nepateikti, nepierakstīti. Tas viss paliek domu vācelītē, laikam slīdot pa garajiem dzīves gaiteņiem to visu norij zemapziņa, absolūti nekas pāri nepaliek.

Kad jūtos savādi, vai kad jūtos kā vēl nekad, gribas vaicāt kādam, vai tu zini kā tas ir..? Un nereti es tā arī daru, cenšos cik vien iespējams sīki un detalizēti izstāstīt kā jūtos, un uzreiz vaicāju, vai tev ar tā ir bijis? Mani sen jau vairs nepārsteidz tas, ka neviens mani neizprot, cilvēki parasti lūr uz mani kā uz kādu, kas no citas planētas nokritis (un pa ceļam smagi apsities). Viņiem nav ne mazākās nojausmas, un līdz ar to es arī zinu, ka atrast kādu līdz-domātāju ir praktiski neiespējami. Tas izklausās visai skumji, — bet tā nav, gluži pretēji! Tas gluži vienkārši nozīmē, ka piedzīvoju ko vēl nebijušu! I feel special, and so BITE ME! Tā nu tas ir. 

Es jau tagad pārlasot kādus sava emuāra rakstus jūtos it kā lidotu cauri notikumu jūrai, tad vēl atminos kā man tanī brīdī ir gājis, kādi uztraukumi bijuši, un kādi prieki bijuši. Un, ja tā padomāju, tad saprotu cik daudz dzīvē ir bijušas neskaidrības par notiekošo, par to, kas notiks un, to kas bijis. Tik daudz dzīvē mainās sekunžu simtdaļā un rezultātā mainās visa turpmākā dzīve. Tas var būt kādas vienkāršas idejas dzimšana, vai kāds notikums vispasaules politikā. Viss tas, ko daru, balansējas uz adatas paša gala. Dzīve ir tik koša un daudzpusīga, ka ir tik viegli iedomāties par to, kā būtu, ja būtu. Dažreiz pat ir patīkami ar laivu izpeldēt cauri ideju ielejām. 

Bet visforšāk ir tad, ka es saprotu, ka dzīve ir ieslīdējusi pareizajās sliedēs. Tas, protams, nenozīmē, ka ja lietas būtu citādi, tad būti slikti, vai nepareizi; tas nozīmē, ka patreiz esmu apmierināta ar izvēlēm, ko esmu veikusi. Un, ja ir kaut kas, kas neapmierina, esmu iemācījusies ar to sadzīvot. Viss ir labi, viegli, un ir arī grūti, un kopsavilkums ir visai pozitīvs. 





Un tagad, es spiedīšu publish, un varbūt kāds pat šo rakstu izlasīs, un nedod dievs, priecāsies par mani. Bet visticamāk, tas ieslīdēs nebūtībā, bet būs vismaz pierakstīts.. Kādu dienu, kad man varbūt būs skumji, es šo pārlasīšu un vismaz uz īsu brīdi būs labi. Būs prieks, un es sapratīšu, ka viss, gan labais gan sliktais, nāk un iet, dzīve konstanti mainās.

Change, Change, Change, and Again CHANGE

I'm not talking about the change you get when you pay with a bill for something that is worth less and then you get change back. And I am not talking about me changing, I've talked about that a lot before, but not now...well not really.

Summer has just slipped through my fingers. It was so much to hold, so much to bare, and so much to live with (now). But now summer is over. It is over length wise, since I've been celebrating summer ever since I quit my job in Scotland. And if anyone knows, that happened at the near-end of May (!!!).

I then had my amazing cycling trip, which has so far been the best choice I've made in my life. I gained more than I ever expected to gain from such a trip. Some things to mention, I challenged myself; it was a real physical and mental challenge. I met some really amazing people, and a great diversity of people. I got to stay with people and see how things differ between neighbouring countries in Europe. I had plenty of me-time, I had time to think, I had time to worry, and most important, I had time to be happy!

Once I arrived home I had to change my point of view, I had to change who I was. I had been living totally independently for the last two years, and I had been living away from everyone I knew for three years. So now I had to adjust to a different life, I was (am) now dependant on other people, and as I am present here I have much different expectations from other people. I celebrated Latvian midsummer, got to see Song and Dance festival events, I met people that I hadn't seen in a while, I went places where I hadn't been, I got a job in a hotel... AND I signed up for university and luckily got accepted into Sociology!

Then August came and I was yet again set free (by none other than myself) to go on another trip. This one was of a much different nature, and I did not travel alone. I went with a friend-of-a-friend and we went on a hitchhiking trip through several countries. We begun our trip by taking a plane to Milan. From there we went to Slovenia, Austria, Slovakia, Hungary, Ukraine, Poland, Lithuania, and eventually back to Latvia. This trip took us two weeks and two days. It was, again, a really nice trip. I got to see places where I had been when I was younger, I got to see places where I had not yet been, and I got to see roads that I had cycled not too long ago. It was a diverse trip, we had ups and downs along the way, but all in all, we were happy. We had no terrible accidents along the way, and no life threatening situations. We met some folks that we might see again someday.

When I arrived back to Riga, I hosted some people from couch surfing. That, of course, again, was new for me, a very interesting experience to be the host, not the surfer. I showed people the city, we had some drinks, and I cooked some meals. I also met a special person that changed a part of me, or should I say he changed the way I see certain things. It was a very happy and sad encounter - an all-in-one, if you may.. It was great! I got back to work, went to theatre, met people, went out of the city couple of times, participated in Latvia's Universities student celebration...

And now it is September. I have yet again begun school. It has just begun and I feel like I'll like it, I might even love it! I know how to manage my time, and I know what to do to get good grades, and how to learn as much as humanly possible.. now it is simply up to me to use all the previous experience and knowledge for my own advantage, and then things will keep up, things will be good again. I'll be a busy bird, and in my experience, the more I have to do, the more I get done. So yeah, you want me to do something, sure, no probs, BRING IT ON!!!


So that's my amazing summer in a summary... but I could honestly write an entire book about the last few months! 

TWO

Because one big trip in one summer is not enough, I'll be having another one. This time I'll be using a different mode of transportation, hitchhicking. It shall be yet another great adventure. Also, this time I will not be travelling alone. Next Friday we begin our trip, and it will take about three weeks. I'm very excited, but I have a lot to do before next Friday, hope I manage most of it!!!

Off to work tomorrow, so I should get to bed... at one point. :D

Where?

Bare hands. Bare soul. I am naked and I don't know where I'm standing. I feel raindrops climbing down my nude body. There is nothing to share, there is nothing to hide. I am here, no more, no less. What you see is all you get - no secrets. I am exposed to all that comes to me, and there is no place to hide. This is it... This is what I've been waiting for. I never wanted this to happen, but I knew it had to happen, it had to be this way, things had to change some day.

With nothing to give, with no excuses, with the most basic elements missing, I am lost and yet there where I have to be. I have the opportunity to start anew. I am on a new journey and I am not turning back. There is no point in turning back as at any moment I can take a turn. Yes, a simple turn. And that I will do, I will go right and left, left and right, I shall take many different paths on a journey that has no end.

I am gone. I am here.

The Way I See It

July. It's July and life feels empty. I went from a full-time dedicated worker, party person, gym junkie ALL-IN-ONE to a complete couch potato. I need a jump, a push, anything that can lift me off the ground.

To Build

I've realized one thing, and I know it's true. While I thought that my life was empty in Glasgow, it was the exact opposite. I had a real world, I had a life. I built so much and never realized it. I wanted more, and didn't even know what. I wanted something, while I had so much. I built a real life and then I simply left it all behind with no regrets, no nothing; I stood up and left to never look back. But here I am now realizing that I had more than I knew. How do I see it now? Because here I am on a blank page, and I'm realizing that I have to build everything anew, EVERYTHING! New job, new memories, new friends, new school, new relationships, new ideas, new ideals, new hobbies...... NEW FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!! When I think of all the time and effort I put into my previous life, I come to think if i will even have the strength to make it all happen. The environment here is very hostile, I thought I was coming home, but it doesn't feel like it. I have zero sense of belonging, I feel like in the wrong place... I feel like I'm just passing by, that this is not what I left everything behind for. This just can't be it. I'm paralysed, confused, out-of-space, I'm just not here; mentally I'm else where and I don't know where. I don't know where I belong, or even if there is a place where I belong.

One-Way Track

I've been on this trip for almost a month now. I'm sad that it will be over. This time has allowed me to think, think so far out of the box, so far from what I had been used to..
Often I think about the choices we make in life. We make them every second of every day, even in our dreams we still make choices. Then we see the outcome. We buy a new shirt, and we see that it looks good on us, and people like it. We say something controversial and someone in the crowd reassures that that is a great way of thinking. We decide to speak to a stranger, and he turns out to be a wonderful person. We take no umbrella when the weather-man said it will rain, and it turns out to be sunny all day. We decide to cross the street on a red light because we see no cars around. .. But what is the choices we make bring bad consequences? WHAT IF the shirt we got will look bad on you? What if no one back up your opinion? What if the stranger turns out to be a psychopath? What if it starts raining cats and dogs on a day when you don't take the umbrella? What if a car comes from around the corner and doesn't see you when you cross on that red signal?

Life is so trivial, so fragile, the smallest things can change who you are and what you will do. But how can you know if you make the right choices in life? By trying of course, you should always try new things, take the risk. You will either succeed or you will gain experience and some sort of perspective. You will then try again, try something different, or try a different approach. But what if it is too late? What if the choice we made is there for good, can't be undone, or altered? What if we make the wrong choice and see it when it's already too late? We go down a one way track and there is no way back.

I like to think that there is a way out - through different doors. I believe it's important to not get stuck, there is always a way out. There is always new things to try, new journeys to be made. So it comes down to DOING things, to stay out of the comfort zone, to try new things, taking risks. It comes down to changing yourself by yet another gram. One day I will not know who I was, I will be a different person. This journey has changed me a lot, it has proved to me things I never knew possible, it has showed me how possible it is to do something when you actually get up and try. It has given me hope about people and myself. Most importantly, it has risen doubts about things I always was very certain of.