Future tense

I am in the future, in the day that will come someday, and I am thinking: "Now what?" And there is no answer, there is no one there to hear my question, and I know for a fact that no one will be able to answer my question. So I ask now,  so I don't have to stay in confused silence in the future. I ask now, because I am aware that no one is listening. And now I know it is for the best, I know that it is better to keep still in the mist of silence. One day there will be zero safe spots on this earth, there is going to be nothing but betrayal.

I am wrong because I am right. I should not tell you what I think, I should shut the fuck up. And so I do! I can't tell them what I think, how I feel, and what I do. I say so much that it is hard to realize how much I actually do put out there. And at the same time I am mute. I have no words, and I have no language. I have no alibi, I have no soul. I am a liar, I am a fool.

Riga!

In the past week or so I have been contemplating about my relationship with Riga. Yes, you understood that correctly! I feel like I have a love-hate things going on here, and I hope to tell you why it is that I feel this way.

When I returned home this summer, I thought that it is the absolute right thing to do, that it will make me and my friends and relatives happy. And so it did! But there is more to this seemingly simple skit. To begin off, I want to make it clear that I am happy to be able to see people whom I didn't see when I was abroad, I am happy to hear Latvian language on the streets, I am happy that I have a sense that I am where I belong, I am happy to play with my nephews, I am happy to roam the streets of this city of wonders.

And yet, there is a feeling of eternal sadness to this place. I was on the bus to work this evening and I was thinking about how it is possible to have such mixed feelings about a city (or anything really).

Why is it my home? It is where I was born, and raised as a child, at least most of my childhood. It is the place where I learned the primary human skills, walking, reading, loving, caring, language .. It is where I begun school. It is where I had my first boyfriend. Riga has always been the place where I can return, it was always the place where I was from, and there would always be things waiting for me. Almost every block in this city brings up countless memories that have made me who I am today. There have been sad days, events, happening, and quite the opposite. I have attended celebrations here, I remember that when I was a kid I was dragged through the old town on the 18th on November to see the fireworks. I recall drawing chalk drawings on the pavement in the park. I remember the adventures I had as a kid with my brothers, water-gun wars with other neighbourhood kids, playing in the backyard of our house, building snowmen in the winter, collecting  chestnuts after kinder garden, we did all kinds of pranks at home, and pissed off our parents. Oh, and how I loved playing with dolls and getting mad at my brother We had our first pet, we wanted one so badly, and then one end of summer there was a small kitty waiting for us at home. Then we grew, I grew, and the city grew as well. Things changed, and doing silly pranks was no longer timely, we had "bigger" and "better" things to do. School got more serious, friendships got more valuable, parents got wiser. Then came the first parties, first experiments, and serious things, like making science projects, attending extra curricular activities, etc.

And then I was gone for seven years, and during all this time Riga was my home, it made me proud to say that that is where I come from. So naturally it became more and more dear to, it was a special place, where everything would be great! That is why I returned here this summer, I returned here to stay here for good. But over this roughly half a year that I've been back I have realized something, the city isn't what I thought it was. It is a sad place, it grows memories like mushrooms. This made me wonder, how many memories can one place hold? I have a feeling that I have made myself believe that Riga is the place to be, but in reality, it isn't so, not at all. It is my personal pit hole, my doom. I want it to be more, I hoped and dreamed that it was bigger that it actually is.

Let's face it, Riga is just another city in the game of globalization, it is a small, tiny piece of the puzzle called world. It is hard to believe that I have fooled myself to believe that is is a magical place.

This is where the two world collide, this is where I do not know how much I really hate or love this city, my city. I get confused and it makes me frustrated.

Either way, I am here now, but as people have told me along the way, there is a huge possibility that I will not last here for long, I will want to run away again.

Marta said.

So Marta thinks that I should get my shit together and start doing something useful.

It sounds like a very rational idea,
but yeah,
...

Torn

I am torn between two entities. I can not make up my mind.
So badly I want to risk and go all in, but at the same time I get a feeling that it will not be worth it. I want to be happy, really, it's that simple.

Odd. I'm happy.

Life is coming over me like a waterfall. There are so many things happening that I don't even have time to really absorb each moment. But in a good way, of course! Life is happening, and this is very much like what I wanted. When I decided to move back to Latvia, I was afraid that because of how long I'd been way, I would find myself doing nothing. So when I got back my ultimate goal was to keep busy, as busy as humanly possible, to have very little free time. And here I am - doing things all the time. I am running out of hours, I wish a day would be longer, and I wish a week would have another day.

But still. Wish all the ups come downs, and right now they all even out perfectly. The ups are more, so I'm happy. Yup, I'm happy!

I have gained confidence, a lot of it! I don't know if it comes with time, or it came after my big cycling trip. But I truly feel more like a person, like an individual.
I feel good. Bite me. c:

Now Playing: Peter Gabriel - Sledgehammer 

Ideally

In an ideal word, this is what is going to happen:
I will write my essay tonight.
Then I will do the things I have to do at work.
Then I'll perfect my essay.

In the morning I will get home, do some exercise.
Have some rest.
Go to the concert with my mom.

That's all in an ideal world.
I could challenge myself to actually follow through with it.
I could promise myself that I'll do what needs to be done.

Or I could just leave everything last minute.
Have no sleep.
Live with stress.
And skip exercise.

Well.
I don't know how things will play out.
But I do have a bad feeling about this. 

P.S.

Some good things are coming up,

this month and next month.

So, yeah, I'm happy. 

So she wrote

So she wrote a letter to tell him how she felt. She wrote a letter, and then she deleted it.
And so she never replied. She never forgot. No, he always stayed on her mind, every day she would find herself pondering about how things could be.. If there would be any change if she told him all those thoughts that were boiling in her mind. But she had come to a conclusion, she had decided that it's for the best. He soon forgot about her anyway, she became just another girl who he had met. Soon he forgot her name, and then he forgot her face, and she existed only in old memories that would never be bought back to life.

It was gone like the runaway train, it was gone to never return. She wrote a memory, a small note, an entry in a diary that did not exist. She wrote so she would not forget. She typed up the memories and saved them in a place where no one would stumble upon them. But they were there, just like old books covered with dust, the memories would hold still..

And then one day he wrote to her again.
He wrote:

Do You believe in magic?

And, in fact, she did, she believed that there was something more to life, she believed that things could happen just because.

So she wrote, she told him exactly that, that she believed in magic.

To which he replied that he would like to see her again, he was willing to buy a plane ticket to come see her. He would come when ever, but the sooner the better. He wanted to see her smile again, he wanted to see for himself that magic truly did exist.

She wrote back. She no longer lived in illusions, she said that she would be pleased to see him. She said that meeting him again would bring the most truthful smile in her face. She wrote to him. All the thoughts of him were coming back, they were simmering along the top of her mind. She never knew this would happen, she never thought to see him again.

But there he was standing waiting for her at the airport. He smiled a big smile and gave her a sincere hug, and didn't want to let her go. The embrace lasted for a at least two full minutes.

But then it didn't matter what happened next.
She had a second chance, and she wrote to him. She didn't tell him everything, but she said what was important - she said that she wanted to see him again... and again, and again...