Janvāris.

Laimes dalīšana.
Kur man likt visu šo laimīti? Kaklā iekārt? Iebērt burkā, vai pienaglot pie sienas, lai neaizbēg?
Vēlos jums visiem novēlēt šo laimi, jo kur gan es viens pats ar tik daudz laimi likšos? Man nav vietas, kabatas plīst jau pušu. Un es gribu, lai visiem tiek neliela laimes kripatiņa. Gribu, lai katram tiek lērums laimes, lai iemirdzas prieks, vēl gaišāks kā Ziemassvētku brīnums. Es gribu iekrāsot pasauli vēl neredzētos toņos. Gribu, lai cilvēki redz, ka patiesai laimei vajag ļoti, ļoti nedaudz. Un vajag, lai ir grūti, lai katru dienu ir par ko cīnīties, jo tas dod vēlmi novērtēt visu labo, kas tev ir. Es tā gribu, lai tu saproti manu domu - lai nepārproti mani. Nekad nebūs viegli, ja gribi patiesu laimi, tev tā ir jāizprot un jānovērtē. Citādi, tā kā smiltis izskries caur pirkstiem.
Viss, es eju būt laimīgs.

"..un es palieku tumsā."

2015. gada 26. augustā

Lisabonā

Pazudusi

Kurp man mesties nemiera laikos?
Manī plosās nezināms spēks.
Es jūtu bezmiera dvēseles,
Tās vajā mani miegā.
Es izkrītu kā poga
Cauri palaga caurumiem.
Tie aizlāpas paši ciet
Un es palieku tumsā,
Es nevaru atgriezties.
Gumijas zābaki ūdens pilni.
Man neceļas kājas,
Nekustas rokas.
Brīžiem liekas, ka pat sirds stājas.

Le Birthday's Approaching

These days nothing really comes as a surprise, it's been a while since I felt really surprised about something.
Life is changing, a lot. The passed few months have really been a roller-coaster with some real bad downs and some fascinating ups. It's been difficult to stay positive at times, but with the right attitude and while keeping great people close to me, I have managed to come to where I am at now. September, it has arrived. Yet another September. While in school, it used to mean a new beginning. But this time I am having a new beginning without having to go to school. It's ANOTHER start. It's yet another section starting.
I've had more fresh starts than many people combined. Maybe that's what is my thing, starting things anew. Heck knows.

And yes, birthday is approaching, it will be next week. This year it will be a bit special. ;)

Well. My thoughts are still a mess, but some things I am more certain about than others, so that's marvellous.

Song for the mood these days: Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know? 

"'Cause there's this tune I found
That makes me think of you somehow
And I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep"

How I Realized that I Enjoy Life

Life is beautiful and I like it. It's my one love that will be with me till the end.


This post comes as a surprise to myself (and maybe some others). I look sad, and my mind tends to be on a very strange vibration. I am somewhat masochistic, I like pain and suffering. But why?
Pain in beautiful. I like it because it makes me feel alive. It makes makes me appreciate the times when I don't suffer.

Back to the point. How I came to realize that I enjoy life. I like people, I don't, but I do. I manage to find something good about everyone and I concentrate on those things. That's why I can't say that I hate anyone. Some would call that being an ass-kisser. But I don't care. I believe that everyone has their pros.

People are not the only things that I can always view in a positive light. That happens to everything. Yes! Everything is beautiful. When ever people ask me about my favourite things (music, city, county, city, food, drink, pass time....) I always say that either I like a lot of things or I name a few. Why, because everything has it's good part. For example, favourite dish, I love food and I enjoy all kinds of flavours, how can I pick just one dish? 

So I've realized that there is always something good and positive, no matter what the thing, idea, situation .. is. And I see it because I enjoy viewing life from a genuine viewpoint. Of course I see bad things all the time, but if I concentrate on them more than the good things I will end up being sad and radiating negative energy.

I've said it. Life is beautiful. And I have no shame of saying it now when I am at an extremely low point in life. Because pain too can be beautiful, and knowledge that it will be better makes me happy.


Keep on livin' homies.

Nothing is Everything

I know it's bad to write ideas that are difficult for people to comprehend. Such as, nothing is everything. It confuses people and so they feel foolish or dense. As a result they choose not to read the thing and then they forget about it. Maybe they really are foolish for fooling themselves so easily. But there are some rare souls who don't mind the feeling of being tricked. They want to read on the to make some sort of sense out of it. They might not get the idea, but they will get something out of it, because we always see what we want to see and what we want to believe.

And I believe that I am not a people's person. Sure I can smile, say that I'm doing just fine. I will ask you how you're doing, and I will listen in delight.
But real relationships aren't my cup of tea. After the big listening I'll sympathise with your situation, but that's where it stops. I am unable to maintain any real relationship with the people that actually matter to me. I lack that skill.
Maybe I never really tried to develop it. But here I am, with no one I can call my buddy. In an odd way it's soothing. However, sometimes I really wish I had put in some effort to be better at this. Sometimes I do wish to not be a rock. But luckily, that's just sometimes. Mostly I like being a lone wolf.

Day 23

It's no secret that I simply love travelling. To be more precise, in a way I'm addicted to travelling. I have been to over 30 countries worldwide, and I can not wait to see more places, to meet more interesting people and to experience new cultures. Here's a short extract from my last trip..



Day 23 of travelling non-stop.

Honestly, first thing that comes to mind is how exhausting it is, it's truly exhausting. But adventurous and addictive at the same time. Like a new drug you start using and now can't live a day without it.
You might wonder what exactly is exhausting. For starters, meeting new people. When travelling by hitchhiking, and meeting people via Couch Surfing, socializing is a must. You can hate it, but why hate it if you can choose to love it? It's never boring hearing other people stories and adventures, and experiences. Your mind opens more and more each day. You become a sponge that soaks up everything that surrounds you. You become immune to discomfort and to the annoying things. You become like a bridge, many cross your path, you both get something out of the experience. You build tolerance for the world around you.
When you start to travel, you think you'll find answers, but the truth is more and more questions arise and nothing seems certain any more. Your shoes are worn out, the sole is falling off and the stiches are falling apart. But the memories they carry and their comfort are good enough reasons to not toss them away. Your clothing becomes worn out. You wear pretty much the same thing for a week..and do so until you run out of clean clothing. You realize that even though your luggage is small, there are still things that you have not used.
My favorite jeans became so worn out that I had to change them and leave them behind in some public restroom. I've been lucky many times, I feel uncomfortable saying I'm unlucky because suddenly a string of bad events happen. I know that things can change around any second. They can get better or worse... Either way, I know I will get through it. Nothing really comes as a big surprise.
Good weather makes the day brighter, while not-so-good weather is great for a change, for a challenge... Sometimes it simply works as a reasons to bring out the warmer clothes. It gives a good reasons to wonder in a museum, quite shop or even the local library (even though most books are in a language I don't speak.)
My face is covered in freckles because of the amount of time I have spent outside. A 5 km walk seems like a piece of cake because I walk about 20 almost every day. Sometimes I get a feeling I know other cities better than my own. I love trying local cuisine.
I do feel exhausted, but the will to keep going is too strong to stop.
I've stolen a beer jug, I've went on tram rides without buying a ticket. I have lied to people and made some of them sad. But the truth is, for most people I will be just a memory, at best, they might remember my name.. But that's not very likely. But I will not remember their names either. I will recall their stories, and I will remember how I felt when with them.
But in the end I know I'll be alone. And, if I'm lucky, I might remember my own name and where I am from.

Ak jūs nolaupītie

To, ko man pasacīja pastnieks vai kaimiņu suns es paslēpšu zem spilvena. Tad kādā naktī, kad man beidzot izdosies aizmigt, es sapņošu par visu to, kas reiz tika sacīts. Mani smacēs domas par nenozagtiem bērniem un aizmirstām zvaigznēm. Es bļaušu spilvenā par to cik ļoti, ļoti man nepatīk, ka aukstās ziemas naktīs no gaisa krīt pretīgais lietus. Bet tas man neko neatbildēs. Es tajā kā ar dūres vēzienu iedzīšu asaras, bet tas neko neizpratīs. Es tam gribēšu nodarīt pāri, gribēšu uzdāvināt sāpes. Bet ko gan spilvens var just?

Īsais plikpauris pasmiesies par manis vārīto kafiju, bet es tam tik nodošu dusmīgu vērienu, kas tas būs aizgriezies prom. Man nerūp ko viņš zin, ko nezin, ko saka, vai ko domā. Man vispār ir vienalga.

Bet man patīk pilnmēnesī vazāties pa pilsētas ielām. Es iztēlojos, ka cilvēki ir sajukuši prātā, jo domā, ka asins spiediens ir uzkāpis augstu. Viņi tic, ka kaut kur kaimiņu mājā tup vilkacis un viņus vēro. Viņi paši nezin, ka vēlas būt nolaupīti.