Man sāp tava galva.

I was going to write in English today, but this title "Man sāp tava galva" doesn't really translate into English well. Best I could think of is "Your head hurts mine," maybe you have a better suggestion?

I'm going to try and be as honest as my fingers and mind will let me. 

I just realised that I haven't changed my facebook profile picture since January of this year. It lead me to thinking why so? and the immediate answer is that I like to change it after I've travelled somewhere new. But the truth is travel hasn't really been feasible this year. 2019 has had immense ups and downs.. Where to begin?

A couple of good friends left work earlier this year, and I got to step into one of their shoes - I got promoted. I had been looking for such change for a while now as I had hit a wall in a sense that responsibilities had become dull.

I signed up to continue studies at OU.

My amazing boyfriend popped the question, and we're getting married next year.


I went to see ENT doctor as my referral from mouth doctor finally came through. Many tests and scans later ....
Tuned out that the lump that had been growing in my neck for years was cancer, or as doctors like to call it carcinoma. Whatever, I call it The C word as the other two arise awkwardness in people. But that's just the beginning! Thyroid cancer is fairly rare. There are four main types, papillary (8 out of 10 cases), follicular (1 out of 10 cases), medullary (1 out of 10 cases) and anaplastic (very rare, more aggressive 1 in 50 cases). While thyroid cancer is more common in women, that is the case only for the first two types. The other two affect men and women equally. The one I had/have is medullary. As the cause and location of the four is different, so is the treatment. However, the primary treatment is surgical removal of the carcinoma. So I was scheduled for that and it was done in May. Medullary thyroid cancer doesn't have specific treatment afterwards as it will differ from case to case. For me, they will monitor calcitonin and CEA levels in my blood forever and if/when they go too high they do something about it. According to the doctor this will happen relatively soon, but they can't know when or where. Then it's either further surgery and/or trial drugs that seem to be doing wonders, but then again, who knows? As the reason for my C is a genetic condition these new drugs should work as they target the RET gene.

So, yes, as it turns out I have an extremely rare genetic mutation (it is hereditary, however I am a de novo case as neither of my parents have it). It is called MEN2B (or MEN3) - Multiple endocrine neoplasia tybe 2b. MEN has different types, and, of course, I have one of the rare ones, because if I have a very rare genetic mutation, why not make it the super rare one? Well, funnily enough this explains ALL the weird things about my body now and while I was growing up. I won't go into them just now, but I would like to finish on a slightly more positive note.

Knowing that I have this rare condition has given me some sort of peace. It explains literally everything that has made me feel like an outsider all my life, and reading all those symptoms has made me feel like I belong somewhere. So through facebook I have found different groups and people; and even people with the same condition. Yes, they are across the world, but I have people to chat to that understand me, and I can understand them.

My now fiance has been my Rock, and my family have been amazingly supportive! ❤

Well this has been me procrastinating, back to the books!

Publish? save.

I don't make stuff up (aka sources)

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/thyroid-cancer/

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/thyroid-cancer/about/what-is-thyroid-cancer.html

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/thyroid-cancer/understanding-cancer/types-of-thyroid-cancer/medullary-thyroid-cancer.html#12767

https://www.cancer.net/cancer-types/multiple-endocrine-neoplasia-type-2

Journal

My thoughts are like a sleeveless shirt - absolute rubbish when it gets cold. Could someone please kindly turn off winter vibes? Pretty please? It's a bit difficult to concentrate when the sunlight is hiding, and when birds don't sing as loud as they do in summer time. Mind goes black as my feet struggle to stay warm in the super cosy warm socks. Memory seems to fail me in short term tasks, just like a summer dress fails to cover ones body. Sometimes I honestly wonder, how can they be called piece of clothing, when nothing is left for ones imagination? One can wonder, right?

I'm trying to write another journal. I've not done that for years now. But thoughts all just boil into a tasteless soup. Many years in the future, I think, I will wonder what the every-day life was like. I'll ponder about what my happiness levels were, and what my thought demons were up to. I want to have something to go back to. Something for myself to remind me how to pretend to be sane in times of madness. I want to have a droplet of hope when pain seems to overwhelm. Like some sort of survival guide, but not really. I want to remember forever what it's like to be me, I don't want to lose myself too much. As these years have passed, I have discovered that I'm not such a terrible person. One must always remain true to oneself, and one must have pride, but also be humble.

End of thought.
Night, night.

Kur paliek tās dvēseles, kas apmaldās?

Šķiet, ka pagājusi mūžības laika tiesa kopš pēdējo reizi te kas rakstīts. Kā gan dzīvē tā gadās, ka neilgā laika posmā viss šķiet pavisam savādāk. Kas tā bija par meiteni, kas te gadiem ilgi bārstija savus domu graudus? Kur gan noklīdusi viņas dvēselīte?

Ir vērtības, kas no tiesas nemainās. Tēja, kā vienmēr, patīk vairāk remdena kā verdoša. Ceļošanai parasti nav nepieciešams nekas daudz vairāk par ērtiem apaviem un pasi. Kaķi ir forši. Mūžīgi mācos.
Bet ir dziļš dvēseles miers, tas Violai, Lolai, Lanai (..) nekad nebija. Viņa nesaprata kā ir, kad ir forši pat tad, kad liekas, ka visa pasaule brūk un jūk. Viņa uztraucās par to zemi zem kājām, kas grima, bet ne par debesu loku, kas pēkšņi pavērās, kad uzplauka spārni. Viņai tie spārni laikam vēl nebija. Tie nāk ar gadiem.
Vienmēr ir tāds nemiers prātā un garā, bet es zinu kur atrodas labie emociju viļņi.

Atmiņu pērles

Sadrūp puteķu celi,

Izjūk smilšu pilis.

Kāds spārda manas atmiņu pērles.

Sāp(?)

Nesāp.

Es nezinu kā to sauc.

Sept. 2016

October

The damn time is playing an endless game with me. I just can not catch up. My skull is itchy. The white organic tea (my favourite(?)) is getting cold. The second chocolate chip cookie is lying next to me waiting to be consumed. The weather outside has noticeably gotten colder. When walking at night I see cars covered in water vapour. The sun would be long gone. The mountains that could be seen during the day are gone, almost as if they set with the sun. It's odd. Every year the seasons play this funky game with us, and every year we see it with new eyes. I wonder if this feeling that takes over is one of the good ones, or the ones that should be avoided. It's cold. But I suppose it doesn't necessarily have to be a negative thing. Right?

Sorry, not sorry. I tend to talk to myself like that.

The other day I remembered that a couple months ago I purchased a discounted mixer. That made me think that I would like to make a nice tiramisu cake. But then I remembered that I had purchased some form the shop not more than a week ago. So I decided to forget about that thought. But here I am going through the layers of my memory.

I keep reading these unending travel articles online. We do get the news that we ask for. As it seems, I have surrounded myself in everything travel related. It's my addiction. I can never get enough. They say it makes people happy.

And then this other article one of the most common regrets of dying people was that they wished they had traveled more. That makes me think it will be one off the list once I get older. But I don't really believe in regretting things. I am who I am because of what has and hasn't happened to me in my life so far. And every now and then I meet people that I feel embarrassed for and I think to myself how glad and happy, and lucky I am not to be like that. Sound a bit rude? Maybe arrogant? So what?Everyone is a little. At least I know I'm not perfect. And I am fine with it.

I thought this would be a constructive post, but I ended up babbling about everything and nothing all at the same time. Oh well.

All that because it's October.
Heck, it's October.

And no one woke me up when September ended.
Shame on you.

This Song

Some weeks ago I came across this song. I think it was playing in a shop or some pub. It washed over me like a wave. I know this song! I looked it up by the lyrics I heard. I was able to find the song, however where ever I was, the connection was very poor. So I took a cheeky screen shot on my phone. And today I came across this picture as i was browsing old stuff on my phone.
It's a song from 2005 by Röyksopp, a duet from Norway. This song gives me a magical sense. It touches the memory pearls like a mother would touch her newborn child. These memories are not tangible, but they are there, I just can't really see them. But i feel them. I feel a sense of wonder, and most definitely heavy nostalgia. It doesn't weigh me down, it leaves me wondering, as if I am in a fairy-tale. All this mystery makes me love this song. It's going on repeat.

Now playing: Röyksopp - What Else Is There

Janvāris.

Laimes dalīšana.
Kur man likt visu šo laimīti? Kaklā iekārt? Iebērt burkā, vai pienaglot pie sienas, lai neaizbēg?
Vēlos jums visiem novēlēt šo laimi, jo kur gan es viens pats ar tik daudz laimi likšos? Man nav vietas, kabatas plīst jau pušu. Un es gribu, lai visiem tiek neliela laimes kripatiņa. Gribu, lai katram tiek lērums laimes, lai iemirdzas prieks, vēl gaišāks kā Ziemassvētku brīnums. Es gribu iekrāsot pasauli vēl neredzētos toņos. Gribu, lai cilvēki redz, ka patiesai laimei vajag ļoti, ļoti nedaudz. Un vajag, lai ir grūti, lai katru dienu ir par ko cīnīties, jo tas dod vēlmi novērtēt visu labo, kas tev ir. Es tā gribu, lai tu saproti manu domu - lai nepārproti mani. Nekad nebūs viegli, ja gribi patiesu laimi, tev tā ir jāizprot un jānovērtē. Citādi, tā kā smiltis izskries caur pirkstiem.
Viss, es eju būt laimīgs.