Tuesday, 10 November 2009

written in May 2009.

You are an immortal. And somehow you seem to hate everything about yourself, but your mind always lands on this one little hope, - that no matter what, you have your friend there for you. And you just know thet he is going to love you no matter what.

So, if someone who you bearly know tells u that you are an ugly loser who has no life, you seem to not care. Why? Becuase this person doesn't even know you, there for he can't know anything about your life.

But then your only friend, - the one who you trust more then anything in your life, the one who you love no matter what he has done because he has always been with you in those special moments; and he has held your hand when things have been too tough to handle. - Tells you in your face everything that you hate about yourself, in every detail, with endless floods of hate. He tells you how misrable your life is and what a low-life creature you are.

Your brain sudenly loses sence of reality.
You feel like you are in the worst nightmare that has ever been.
And you close down,
you shut up.You have nothing to say back.
Your eyes fill up with tears. There is so much of them that you could drown.

There is this sudden pain (that has not left since) and you cut your self open and you shoot out everything that you can, just to make him feel like you; though there is no pain that could be compared to this.
There, you and your only friend in the middle of the worst fight that no frindship can survive.
The pain is terrible.

It is as if you are the most sensible being in the whole universe and someone is ripping your heart out. But it woun't, the heart just stays inside your chest in an open wound and keeps on beating.
The pain is so bad that you wish you never had a heart, you wish you never had anything.
You wish you were a mortal. The pain is worse then any phisical pain, then any other emotional pain. It is like surviving an earthquake all by yourself. It is like you are the bridge that was built for a purpose, but can't function. You collapse.

But you hope, you think that a "sorry" might fix it all. It is your last hope to end the pain.
But even after the "sorry"s have been said, the pain is still present, it has decided to stay there forever.
It is never visible to others, but it burns inside of you like an olimpic tourch right by your heart, never stops burnung.

Now, whenever someone tells you those things the pain grows, and even if the fiend is someone who does not know you, it still hurts. No, burns.
Why? Because you know that it is true. Deep beneath the surface you scream to your self, that he is right.

And now, you have no friends, because the pain that abids in you does not let you to get close to anyone - ever - because deep inside you don't want the pain to grow - it is just too hard, it's just too hard, unbarable.
But you do talk to people.
You even talk to the one who caused all this pain. Why? Because you are too wounded to relize that the world keeps on turning. You are ready to bear anything..
But every time you see him you remember that time, and that feeling will never let the pain go.

And you feel like a pathetic dog.
You keep hoping, wishing that some day everything will sudenly go good again.
So you stay loyal to you 'good' old friend and every time you do a favour for him, you feel even more pathetic and useless..
This will never end, because there is this hope that is inside.

...and the pain, it subsists in you,
it has no weekends, holydays, celebrating days.
It has you. .. the pain just lives inside and keeps growing bigger and bigger...

..You just wish you could collapse and end it all, but you can't, because you are an immortal.

... ... ... thats what it feels like.

Tā tas ir bijis pirms tam un tā tas būs mūžīgi! :[

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