Feeling

What is a feeling? I've never really understood what it meant when someone says: "I've got feelings for you." Well, so do I, but what kind of feelings? I don't know. I can feel cold, warm, scared, tired. But what is it like to feel love for another being that is not your family? How is it possible to have any feelings towards someone? I don't get it. This is so confusing. What is love?

How is it possible to have feelings for someone you don't care about? How can you suddenly care of this one person when before there was nothing to care about? Why is this so confusing?

Now Playing: Tegan and Sara - Hello

Right now I feel so empty,

And someday won’t be ending,

Until I’ve done all that I can,

All that.

Until I’ve done all that I can.

One day, it’ll get easier,

'Cause right now,

I feel so simple,

Until I’ve done all that I can,

All that.

Until I’ve done all that I can.

And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

Oh, hello hello hello,

I’m right here.

I’m right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterdays news.

I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.

Oh, my hands hurt from holding your hands.

And I’m young but it’s hard to believe, yeah-e-ah,

That someday I will never see you again.

And you might not believe this,

But you’ve changed me so much.

But baby (baby) it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah. 

But right now I wish I was older,

And right now,

You look so simple.

Now is not my time.

No, no,

Now is not the time,

And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

I'm right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterday’s news.

I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.

Oh, my hand hurts from holding your hand.

And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,

Yeah-e-ah,

That someday I will never see you again.

And you might not believe this ,

but you’ve changed me so much.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

'Cause someday I will never see you again.

I think love doesn't simply appear out of nowhere.

There is no love at first sight.

It's probably lust, a spark, maybe, but it isn't love.

Love grows, from a small seed it grows into a tree.

It's an odd tree, it requires nurture or just good laughs. 

It's complex, every tree is so very different.

But the bigger any tree grows, the tougher it is to cut it down.

Happy Much?

Life is getting to be more compete. I have set some sort of goals. While i might still not know what i want out of life, i can say I'm happy for now, I've gained a perspective on life. I've formed a personality of my own. And more and more my carelessness of other's opinion grows in size. I have faith in me and my future, no matter what it brings.

I'm very proud of myself that i can say that I'm happy and truly believe it. I've been let down by others and myself. But it seems that all the faith I've had in humanity has turned to faith in myself. This planet might still be doomed, but at least I'm happy. And you can be judgemental all you like.. i could not care less for what you have to say about me.

I feel like a melody, i feel like a weightless leaf that's falling from the highest branch of the tallest tree. It's windy and i could end up anywhere. That's how i see myself in life. And as long as I'm as happy as i am now, i will not mind landing even in a puddle. I love puddles.

Life now is a neat 7!

Happy

http://i.behappy.me/67/preview.png

This picture has a significance to me. This image is now my background image on my phone.

What the heck, I might just break the news to you: I AM HAPPY.
Yeah, I can say it out loud, I scream it out! I really am happy. All those things I've known, learned, studied, read about...all that material I've laid my eyes on about how to be happy has finally sunk in. It is here, right here in my mind, and now I am using all the tools I have. Not all the tools, because not everything I know is relevant. But now instead of thinking how to be happy, or why to be happy. I just simply tell myself that that is how I feel. What is even more odd is that in my head I don't say You have to do this and this, or this is what you should have said. Instead, I simply think to myself I am happy, I will do this and that. This change has been happening over the past month or so, not more than that. I've reprogrammed my mind in the last three weeks. I am the same me, but yet I am much, much different. I am happy!

And I can't stop smiling now that I'm writing this post.
This feels odd.
This feels great!!

"This ain't a scene"

Life just keeps flipping around .. every day.
So now I have, what I'd like to call a "pet". Yup, that's definitely what I would call it. As of yesterday Kristaps is living with me. I'm here just trying to be a good friend. But i feel like i'm making the wrong choice.  Eh, what the heck. OMG i just wanna like emm, idk . this sucks. oaefguhjjqrykut6lie39i7mjyehfbgdv

A Week Ago

It's been a week since I moved. And just about yesterday I realized that I've lived in four places in the last 12 moths. How crazy is that? It's a rhetorical question, no need to answer. It seems like all I've been doing is looking for a new room to rent.
Anywho, I really hope that this place will be satisfying enough to not have to move again any times soon. At least not while I'm in this city.
I moved to a place where I was least likely to move to. A flat on the other end of the city, meaning I have to take public transportation in the morning to get to work. (I am a person who can not stand crowded buses!!!) Before I used to walk almost everywhere, but now I have a bus pass, so I choose to take the bus even if for a short distance.
Second is that I live with one person, a guy, from a different ethnic background. While originally I was looking to live with more than one person, since I've always believed it is more fun to live with more people. While I don't necessarily like people with me all the time, i like knowing that there is someone in the house. And well, I chose a flat that is not very cheap, the rational part of me would have gone with a not-so-good flat with cheaper rent.
So I contradicted myself in every way, chose something that I was least likely to choose. This surprised not only me, but people around me as well.

Last Saturday I was out with some friends, and got home at around 3 am. I had to be in work on Sunday, so I went straight to bed to get at least a little sleep. At 7 am there were police officers banging at the door (welcome to the neighbourhood), they had received a call from my flatmates cell phone, and they had come here to check if everything was ok. However, my flatmate wasn't home, so it was quite frustrating. The police, and I called him several times, but he refused to share his location. It was so confusing!!!
But in the end everything turned out well, and I even made it on time to work.
On Monday was poker night, but Bar 10 was closed and no one had been informed that it will be shut for the night. So we all just went to a casino to play poker there, but i had little luck and lost soon. Played some Blackjack, that turned out to be fun, since I got some money out of it! :P
Rest of the week went by pretty well. Work is like usual, just getting to it is a hassle, ..no it's not a hassle, but ugh, i just dislike going to work by bus. When it's time to get home, it literally takes ages. OK, NO it does not, but it takes long. I don't like this. But I'll get used to it.
On Thursday I bought pizza. Had watermelon for dessert. And topped the evening with loads of Youtube videos (enjoyed the unlimited wi-fi).
Friday I went out with two gals. The club was alright, but one of the girls got sick soon, and started disappearing on us. So we found her and had to call it a night a bit earlier than expected. By the time I got home I too got a bit sick. Probably because too much drinks had been mixed (wine, champagne, gin, apple sourz....). And today I had a bad hangover, I don't usually get that.. It was not a pleasant morning. Spent rest of the day watching Big Bang Theory and Bones.
My life really seems empty at the moment, maybe I need a new hobby, or just pick up an old one...?

One

I am one of a kind, not because that's what they all say. And not because it is original to be different, but because I really am like no one else. There are several things that bring me out of the crowd. Tonight, for instance, it is the fact that I learn from my mistakes.
I made a choice once, and I regretted it. And then I felt silly, since I knew that if I hadn't done what I did, then I would still feel the same, but for different reasons. BUT now, I simply know to not do that again.

I am like no one else because I know what I want and I do everything possible to not achieve it. And when I finally do the right thing, I fail. It's pathetic. (But really it's just Murphy's law.) I'm doomed to fail regardless of any other external (or internal) factors.

I'm tired. I want to go to bed, but I can't; not today, not now. I want to say what I think, but I can't.. and I never will, not about this one thing. It's called life. It sucks on every possible level. And yet I enjoy it, it must be the masochistic side of me speaking.

Anywho, I'd like to say one more thing, no several more things, but not now...not ever.





P.S. Men are stupid. (Just so you don't forget!)

Moving...AGAIN!

Yeah, the title doesn't lie, I will be moving, yet again(!!!) this weekend. I don't have a plan as to how I'm going to move my things. I'll probably end up taking a taxi; the big one, since I have quite a few things to move. Whats even more bazaar is that I will now be living at the almost opposite end of the city. I'll be roughly the same distance away from city center. But now I will have to take the bus every morning to work. Now that's something that will be hard to get used to!

Anywho, it has been an elaborate, exhausting process to find a new place, ie. a new room to rent.
Things will be different, and I doubt they will be better. Yeah, my hopes are not high up. I mean until now, the last two-three moths have been more or less great. No, that's a lie, they have not been great. But it was good, in a really odd way it's been a good few weeks.
Besides living five minute walk away from work has definitely bee a luxury.