Spring.

 It's 2022, no 2023, no, it's 2024. 

It has been a while since I last plundered here with my intrusive thoughts and left nothing behind but nonsense. Life is the same... Same, same, but different. There have been some ghostly sightings, aka some saved drafts that were never published, none of which I deemed to be rational enough for other people's eyes (and minds). There is a cat in my lap, she keeps demanding cuddles, so typing is becoming somewhat of a challenge. My thoughts are scrambled enough, and I do not require more distractions. 

As the title hints, it is springtime. Green grass, flowers blooming, trees coming in with fresh coats. It's a wonderful time of the year and all that jazz. 

Many thoughts are racing in my mind, and most of them are too personal for the vast cosmos called The Internet. So I do not really know why I stumbled to this far corner of my existence. Do you know?

I'll just tell you what I've been up to without deeper context, shall I?

Had a day off today. Went to Edinburgh to do some dancing with the Dindaru Dandaru folks. Tried to get cat food my cats like, so there is enough for them to nom nom while we're away next week. The shop didn't have it, so that will be tomorrow's mission to complete. Did some laundry. Did some research on these new meds I'll be taking, and that took up a lot more time than I initially thought, but I feel like the knowledge base is decent now. Still have to go pack for our wee trip away. 

Work has been alright. We have some new staff starting this month, training, and all that, super fun (naaaaat). I do not think my patience is mature enough for such tasks, but hey, I can do it, nae bother. Small menu changes coming our way. Just your usual work-related things that are absolutely irrelevant to anyone who isn't actually working there too.  

The never-ending studies are looming to a dreadful culmination in a few months. 

Our two beautiful cats are doing well, not getting along, but doing well on their own turf and terms. 

Husbandito is doing well, busy working and volunteering with the Cubs, having a good time. 

We went to see a couple movies from the Glasgow Film Festival. That was fun. And tomorrow we leave for a small trip to chillax and escape the routine a bit. 

Life is good. I guess that's what I wanted to say. It's a little mundane, but I love it. 

Bye now, see you in another year or so. (?)

Hello dragonfly, what time is it?

My thoughts have been wandering places again, and it has led me here. I've missed you, my dear dragonfly. Lately, I've been thinking about time again. How it's fluid and solid depending on what is next saved in your google calendar. I've taken out the trash, Wednesday is long gone. I've input the October appointments. It's all so bleak. Why is time always strategically trying to screw us? What did we do to it to deserve such betrayal? It remains silent to my endless sea of questions; it just keeps ticking forward and never back. 

I want to scribble my thoughts, so I have some snapshots of today's memories. I don't want them to just disappear into the nothingness that we call life. Today is my day off. These last couple of days the weather has been miserable. We had more than a fair share of summer this year, I must be honest about that. The sun was spoiling us, or was it global warming? Who knows anyway(?). I don't like to get up to too much on days off, I don't like to disappoint myself. We had a lovely date night yesterday though, yes, despite the weather being absolute shit. Any time spent together feels way better than a boatload of sun anyway. The feeling cannot be written down, it can not be expressed, not even drawn. It's beautiful at its core, heart-warming shells around it, and draped in wholesome happiness... Something like that, but waaaaay better. I can honestly say that I love that man more and more each day. 

Work has been alright, dare I say it, it's actually been good. It has its challenges, and not-so-great-days, but I don't feel as bad before going to work. I don't know what it is. I bet it's all in the head, I can't let my thoughts run wild without a leash. They go to bad places. I get shit days too, when everything seems to be failing and falling into the wrong places, and just when you think that things cannot possibly go worse, life throughs a brick straight to the face. These days happen, and I think getting through them is what has created this feeling that it's better now. Is it better now, or is it just an illusion? 

I miss people, I miss family and friends in Latvia, and it honestly breaks my heart. It sucks, sucks a fuckton. 

Right, time to put the leash back onto these thoughts and wonder other corridors of this head of mine. 

Come, take my hand and let's go for a walk in this wonderful rainfall, the flooded streets, the sun teasing avenues.

 

Un tu?

Es vēlētos dzīvot pasaku namiņā, kas atrodas meža vidū. Tas iebūvēts zābakā. Jā, zābakā! Kurpju šņores kalpotu kā žalūzijas. Tās dienā varētu atvērt ielaist nelielu saules staru, kas ieceļotu caur koku zariem. Bet naktī aizvērt, lai mēness gaisma nekož caurumus ciešā miega sapņos. Netālu varētu dzirdēt nelielas upes ūdens straumi, kā tas nesas lejā pa ūdens kritumu. Zābaka augšu mēs aizšūtu ciet, lai lietus un sniegs nekrīt uz galvas, un, lai skudras nezog brokastis no galda. Mums būtu nelielas kāpnes, kas vestu līdz guļamistabas logam, lai pēc nakts pastaigām var doties pa taisno uz sapņu zemi. Pirmajā stāvā mums būtu glauna dzīvojamā istaba, kur mēs uzņemtu viesus. Tai būtu aitādas paklājs, lai pēdām allaž silti. Un uz maza galdiņa vienmēr būtu karsta un pilna tējas kanna. Tai blakus nelielas, trauslas porcelāna tasītes, un saldummīļiem, svaigas īrisa konfektes. Mēs klausītos latviešu tautas dziesmas, kas spēlētu vecā radio kastē. Mums būtu iedomīgs kaķis, kas sēdētu istabas stūrī un vērotu visus ar niķīgu skatu. Mēs pa dienu ietu lasīt sēnes un ogas, vakarā dzertu tēju, bet naktī mēs sapņotu par to kā būtu, ja būtu. 

Peachy July Thoughts

The other day we went to Lidl to get some shopping done. Life has turned upside down for everyone in 2020, hasn't it? We got our facemasks, and into the shop we went. There it's been a while now that we have wear some sort of face cover in shops, so many now think that it does not apply to them. Rules are clearly made to be broken. People don't seem to care about others' personal space, and even less now. Everyone acts as if we're not in this together.
We got our shopping done, I got some peaches, but still a bit tough, so will be good a few days later. Got a nice sticky toffee pudding for my name day celebration.
On the Saturday we celebrated our "would be our wedding day". We got Paesano pizza takeaway and wine, and cheesecake from Tesco. Not usually a fan of cheesecakes, but this one was with passion fruit and raspberries, sweet but tangy. Kinda like life is, and what I expect married life to be.
Even though we didn't actually get married, it still feels like an important time in our relationship. And it's maybe even better, because we know for sure what we want, to be together. People get cancelled weddings for far worse reasons, right? At least we still got each other. ❤️

Es gribu aizmirst

Es gribu aizmirst kāpēc nesāp,
Gribu atrast pazudušo mūzu.
Gribu, lai nedaudz sāp;
Tā pa īstam, lai varu tev ko uzrakstīt.

Gribu aizmirst par veselo saprātu,
Gribu apmaldīties.
Gribu aizlidot tālu prom.

Bet nē, -
Negribu pazaudēt
Visu atrasto.

Man sāp tava galva.

I was going to write in English today, but this title "Man sāp tava galva" doesn't really translate into English well. Best I could think of is "Your head hurts mine," maybe you have a better suggestion?

I'm going to try and be as honest as my fingers and mind will let me. 

I just realised that I haven't changed my facebook profile picture since January of this year. It lead me to thinking why so? and the immediate answer is that I like to change it after I've travelled somewhere new. But the truth is travel hasn't really been feasible this year. 2019 has had immense ups and downs.. Where to begin?

A couple of good friends left work earlier this year, and I got to step into one of their shoes - I got promoted. I had been looking for such change for a while now as I had hit a wall in a sense that responsibilities had become dull.

I signed up to continue studies at OU.

My amazing boyfriend popped the question, and we're getting married next year.


I went to see ENT doctor as my referral from mouth doctor finally came through. Many tests and scans later ....
Tuned out that the lump that had been growing in my neck for years was cancer, or as doctors like to call it carcinoma. Whatever, I call it The C word as the other two arise awkwardness in people. But that's just the beginning! Thyroid cancer is fairly rare. There are four main types, papillary (8 out of 10 cases), follicular (1 out of 10 cases), medullary (1 out of 10 cases) and anaplastic (very rare, more aggressive 1 in 50 cases). While thyroid cancer is more common in women, that is the case only for the first two types. The other two affect men and women equally. The one I had/have is medullary. As the cause and location of the four is different, so is the treatment. However, the primary treatment is surgical removal of the carcinoma. So I was scheduled for that and it was done in May. Medullary thyroid cancer doesn't have specific treatment afterwards as it will differ from case to case. For me, they will monitor calcitonin and CEA levels in my blood forever and if/when they go too high they do something about it. According to the doctor this will happen relatively soon, but they can't know when or where. Then it's either further surgery and/or trial drugs that seem to be doing wonders, but then again, who knows? As the reason for my C is a genetic condition these new drugs should work as they target the RET gene.

So, yes, as it turns out I have an extremely rare genetic mutation (it is hereditary, however I am a de novo case as neither of my parents have it). It is called MEN2B (or MEN3) - Multiple endocrine neoplasia tybe 2b. MEN has different types, and, of course, I have one of the rare ones, because if I have a very rare genetic mutation, why not make it the super rare one? Well, funnily enough this explains ALL the weird things about my body now and while I was growing up. I won't go into them just now, but I would like to finish on a slightly more positive note.

Knowing that I have this rare condition has given me some sort of peace. It explains literally everything that has made me feel like an outsider all my life, and reading all those symptoms has made me feel like I belong somewhere. So through facebook I have found different groups and people; and even people with the same condition. Yes, they are across the world, but I have people to chat to that understand me, and I can understand them.

My now fiance has been my Rock, and my family have been amazingly supportive! ❤

Well this has been me procrastinating, back to the books!

Publish? save.

I don't make stuff up (aka sources)

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/thyroid-cancer/

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/thyroid-cancer/about/what-is-thyroid-cancer.html

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/thyroid-cancer/understanding-cancer/types-of-thyroid-cancer/medullary-thyroid-cancer.html#12767

https://www.cancer.net/cancer-types/multiple-endocrine-neoplasia-type-2

Journal

My thoughts are like a sleeveless shirt - absolute rubbish when it gets cold. Could someone please kindly turn off winter vibes? Pretty please? It's a bit difficult to concentrate when the sunlight is hiding, and when birds don't sing as loud as they do in summer time. Mind goes black as my feet struggle to stay warm in the super cosy warm socks. Memory seems to fail me in short term tasks, just like a summer dress fails to cover ones body. Sometimes I honestly wonder, how can they be called piece of clothing, when nothing is left for ones imagination? One can wonder, right?

I'm trying to write another journal. I've not done that for years now. But thoughts all just boil into a tasteless soup. Many years in the future, I think, I will wonder what the every-day life was like. I'll ponder about what my happiness levels were, and what my thought demons were up to. I want to have something to go back to. Something for myself to remind me how to pretend to be sane in times of madness. I want to have a droplet of hope when pain seems to overwhelm. Like some sort of survival guide, but not really. I want to remember forever what it's like to be me, I don't want to lose myself too much. As these years have passed, I have discovered that I'm not such a terrible person. One must always remain true to oneself, and one must have pride, but also be humble.

End of thought.
Night, night.