Spring.

 It's 2022, no 2023, no, it's 2024. 

It has been a while since I last plundered here with my intrusive thoughts and left nothing behind but nonsense. Life is the same... Same, same, but different. There have been some ghostly sightings, aka some saved drafts that were never published, none of which I deemed to be rational enough for other people's eyes (and minds). There is a cat in my lap, she keeps demanding cuddles, so typing is becoming somewhat of a challenge. My thoughts are scrambled enough, and I do not require more distractions. 

As the title hints, it is springtime. Green grass, flowers blooming, trees coming in with fresh coats. It's a wonderful time of the year and all that jazz. 

Many thoughts are racing in my mind, and most of them are too personal for the vast cosmos called The Internet. So I do not really know why I stumbled to this far corner of my existence. Do you know?

I'll just tell you what I've been up to without deeper context, shall I?

Had a day off today. Went to Edinburgh to do some dancing with the Dindaru Dandaru folks. Tried to get cat food my cats like, so there is enough for them to nom nom while we're away next week. The shop didn't have it, so that will be tomorrow's mission to complete. Did some laundry. Did some research on these new meds I'll be taking, and that took up a lot more time than I initially thought, but I feel like the knowledge base is decent now. Still have to go pack for our wee trip away. 

Work has been alright. We have some new staff starting this month, training, and all that, super fun (naaaaat). I do not think my patience is mature enough for such tasks, but hey, I can do it, nae bother. Small menu changes coming our way. Just your usual work-related things that are absolutely irrelevant to anyone who isn't actually working there too.  

The never-ending studies are looming to a dreadful culmination in a few months. 

Our two beautiful cats are doing well, not getting along, but doing well on their own turf and terms. 

Husbandito is doing well, busy working and volunteering with the Cubs, having a good time. 

We went to see a couple movies from the Glasgow Film Festival. That was fun. And tomorrow we leave for a small trip to chillax and escape the routine a bit. 

Life is good. I guess that's what I wanted to say. It's a little mundane, but I love it. 

Bye now, see you in another year or so. (?)

Hello dragonfly, what time is it?

My thoughts have been wandering places again, and it has led me here. I've missed you, my dear dragonfly. Lately, I've been thinking about time again. How it's fluid and solid depending on what is next saved in your google calendar. I've taken out the trash, Wednesday is long gone. I've input the October appointments. It's all so bleak. Why is time always strategically trying to screw us? What did we do to it to deserve such betrayal? It remains silent to my endless sea of questions; it just keeps ticking forward and never back. 

I want to scribble my thoughts, so I have some snapshots of today's memories. I don't want them to just disappear into the nothingness that we call life. Today is my day off. These last couple of days the weather has been miserable. We had more than a fair share of summer this year, I must be honest about that. The sun was spoiling us, or was it global warming? Who knows anyway(?). I don't like to get up to too much on days off, I don't like to disappoint myself. We had a lovely date night yesterday though, yes, despite the weather being absolute shit. Any time spent together feels way better than a boatload of sun anyway. The feeling cannot be written down, it can not be expressed, not even drawn. It's beautiful at its core, heart-warming shells around it, and draped in wholesome happiness... Something like that, but waaaaay better. I can honestly say that I love that man more and more each day. 

Work has been alright, dare I say it, it's actually been good. It has its challenges, and not-so-great-days, but I don't feel as bad before going to work. I don't know what it is. I bet it's all in the head, I can't let my thoughts run wild without a leash. They go to bad places. I get shit days too, when everything seems to be failing and falling into the wrong places, and just when you think that things cannot possibly go worse, life throughs a brick straight to the face. These days happen, and I think getting through them is what has created this feeling that it's better now. Is it better now, or is it just an illusion? 

I miss people, I miss family and friends in Latvia, and it honestly breaks my heart. It sucks, sucks a fuckton. 

Right, time to put the leash back onto these thoughts and wonder other corridors of this head of mine. 

Come, take my hand and let's go for a walk in this wonderful rainfall, the flooded streets, the sun teasing avenues.

 

Man sāp tava galva.

I was going to write in English today, but this title "Man sāp tava galva" doesn't really translate into English well. Best I could think of is "Your head hurts mine," maybe you have a better suggestion?

I'm going to try and be as honest as my fingers and mind will let me. 

I just realised that I haven't changed my facebook profile picture since January of this year. It lead me to thinking why so? and the immediate answer is that I like to change it after I've travelled somewhere new. But the truth is travel hasn't really been feasible this year. 2019 has had immense ups and downs.. Where to begin?

A couple of good friends left work earlier this year, and I got to step into one of their shoes - I got promoted. I had been looking for such change for a while now as I had hit a wall in a sense that responsibilities had become dull.

I signed up to continue studies at OU.

My amazing boyfriend popped the question, and we're getting married next year.


I went to see ENT doctor as my referral from mouth doctor finally came through. Many tests and scans later ....
Tuned out that the lump that had been growing in my neck for years was cancer, or as doctors like to call it carcinoma. Whatever, I call it The C word as the other two arise awkwardness in people. But that's just the beginning! Thyroid cancer is fairly rare. There are four main types, papillary (8 out of 10 cases), follicular (1 out of 10 cases), medullary (1 out of 10 cases) and anaplastic (very rare, more aggressive 1 in 50 cases). While thyroid cancer is more common in women, that is the case only for the first two types. The other two affect men and women equally. The one I had/have is medullary. As the cause and location of the four is different, so is the treatment. However, the primary treatment is surgical removal of the carcinoma. So I was scheduled for that and it was done in May. Medullary thyroid cancer doesn't have specific treatment afterwards as it will differ from case to case. For me, they will monitor calcitonin and CEA levels in my blood forever and if/when they go too high they do something about it. According to the doctor this will happen relatively soon, but they can't know when or where. Then it's either further surgery and/or trial drugs that seem to be doing wonders, but then again, who knows? As the reason for my C is a genetic condition these new drugs should work as they target the RET gene.

So, yes, as it turns out I have an extremely rare genetic mutation (it is hereditary, however I am a de novo case as neither of my parents have it). It is called MEN2B (or MEN3) - Multiple endocrine neoplasia tybe 2b. MEN has different types, and, of course, I have one of the rare ones, because if I have a very rare genetic mutation, why not make it the super rare one? Well, funnily enough this explains ALL the weird things about my body now and while I was growing up. I won't go into them just now, but I would like to finish on a slightly more positive note.

Knowing that I have this rare condition has given me some sort of peace. It explains literally everything that has made me feel like an outsider all my life, and reading all those symptoms has made me feel like I belong somewhere. So through facebook I have found different groups and people; and even people with the same condition. Yes, they are across the world, but I have people to chat to that understand me, and I can understand them.

My now fiance has been my Rock, and my family have been amazingly supportive! ❤

Well this has been me procrastinating, back to the books!

Publish? save.

I don't make stuff up (aka sources)

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/thyroid-cancer/

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/thyroid-cancer/about/what-is-thyroid-cancer.html

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/thyroid-cancer/understanding-cancer/types-of-thyroid-cancer/medullary-thyroid-cancer.html#12767

https://www.cancer.net/cancer-types/multiple-endocrine-neoplasia-type-2

Journal

My thoughts are like a sleeveless shirt - absolute rubbish when it gets cold. Could someone please kindly turn off winter vibes? Pretty please? It's a bit difficult to concentrate when the sunlight is hiding, and when birds don't sing as loud as they do in summer time. Mind goes black as my feet struggle to stay warm in the super cosy warm socks. Memory seems to fail me in short term tasks, just like a summer dress fails to cover ones body. Sometimes I honestly wonder, how can they be called piece of clothing, when nothing is left for ones imagination? One can wonder, right?

I'm trying to write another journal. I've not done that for years now. But thoughts all just boil into a tasteless soup. Many years in the future, I think, I will wonder what the every-day life was like. I'll ponder about what my happiness levels were, and what my thought demons were up to. I want to have something to go back to. Something for myself to remind me how to pretend to be sane in times of madness. I want to have a droplet of hope when pain seems to overwhelm. Like some sort of survival guide, but not really. I want to remember forever what it's like to be me, I don't want to lose myself too much. As these years have passed, I have discovered that I'm not such a terrible person. One must always remain true to oneself, and one must have pride, but also be humble.

End of thought.
Night, night.

Kur paliek tās dvēseles, kas apmaldās?

Šķiet, ka pagājusi mūžības laika tiesa kopš pēdējo reizi te kas rakstīts. Kā gan dzīvē tā gadās, ka neilgā laika posmā viss šķiet pavisam savādāk. Kas tā bija par meiteni, kas te gadiem ilgi bārstija savus domu graudus? Kur gan noklīdusi viņas dvēselīte?

Ir vērtības, kas no tiesas nemainās. Tēja, kā vienmēr, patīk vairāk remdena kā verdoša. Ceļošanai parasti nav nepieciešams nekas daudz vairāk par ērtiem apaviem un pasi. Kaķi ir forši. Mūžīgi mācos.
Bet ir dziļš dvēseles miers, tas Violai, Lolai, Lanai (..) nekad nebija. Viņa nesaprata kā ir, kad ir forši pat tad, kad liekas, ka visa pasaule brūk un jūk. Viņa uztraucās par to zemi zem kājām, kas grima, bet ne par debesu loku, kas pēkšņi pavērās, kad uzplauka spārni. Viņai tie spārni laikam vēl nebija. Tie nāk ar gadiem.
Vienmēr ir tāds nemiers prātā un garā, bet es zinu kur atrodas labie emociju viļņi.

State of Mind of Travel

Makes almost zero sense, the title I mean. BUT, as there always is a but, I am almost certain that I can explain what I mean.
There are several categories of travellers. But firs let's make general classifications. There's people who hate to travel, people who simply hate the idea of travelling, they feel safe and comfortable where they are, and travel causes them stress, discomfort, disorientation and general confusion. Unless necessary for survival, they choose to stay put in their space. Now I used to think that this is closed mindedness; I used to think that people who dislike travelling are simply too cool to see beyond their white-picket fence. However, I've met people who are well-educated about the world, people who do see the world beyond, but simply don't want to go there. They see it through history, through books, magazines, internet, TV, even from people who travel to them.... etc. And a wise person can get the gist of what a place is like by actually collecting information from various sources, and that is as far as their curiosity goes.
(As for me, the more I learn about a place the more tempted I am to see it in person!)
It used to be difficult for me to think that there are people who don't like travelling, since I want to see every corner of this world and even beyond. But a little questioning and inquisition gave me some insight in their way of thinking; to my surprise I can even understand it.
However, I can't skip the fact that there are people who don't travel because they are stubborn, and they refuse to even acknowledge that there is life beyond their corner of this universe. In my opinion, I can just let them be, because that kind of mind set is difficult to influence. But who knows, maybe it is healthier to not be curious about the world...never know.
Then there is the occasional traveller. They will travel once in a few years or once a year, and it will most likely be to visit old friends or distant relatives. They go to pretty much the same places, book the same airline company, already have the necessary currency from five years ago, when at the destination they see the same places and comment on how much it has or hasn't changed, they eat at the same restaurants as previous time, and they even order the same food. This is because they have been there, done that, there is plenty of certainty and they don't have to step outside their comfort zone too much. I will also place the all-inclusive type of travellers in this category. While they might go to some new places, they still travel occasionally and the comfort zone too is not flexible. They love the idea that you pay one fixed price, and you are pretty much carried from home to hotel and back. All they have to remember is to go relieve themselves when necessary. Also under this category I'll place the tag-along type of people. Someone invited them on a trip because they had a free spot, or had no one else to go with.. or a similar story. Now this category is most likely to complain if something is not as they expected, or something is different than it was. They hate surprises, they want it they way it was listed out for them/ the way they expected it to be.
There is the chance travellers. Their day-to-day schedule is so flexible that they could run away at any time of the day for any duration of time. Personally, I envy these type of people. While I myself am pretty flexible, there are certain things I can't run away from. So I can not always buy tickets one day before departure. These people have their e-mails full of news letters form various travel sites and airline companies. They find deals online, or from some place they are a member of. Maybe their friend had a free spot for a weeks long trip down South to go sunbathing, or to go up North to watch the Northern lights and chill in sauna for countless days. They are definitely not afraid to say YES! to any offer that flies at them. They have magical source of income, and all you see/hear is that they are yet at another corner of the world doing yet another random activity.
Then there is the party travellers, they don't care when they go, where they go, or who they go with, as long as there is booze, music, and maybe some other unknown substances, they will go there. They pack light, but they might have too much alcohol in their pannier and the other substance hidden in their shoes. You should be careful if you choose to travel with this type of person. He/she might cause you unnecessary troubles. Best solution would be to pretend to not know this person while going through airport security. Be even more careful if there's a dog or two with he guards. But on the location these peeps are loads of fun, they attract the best people in the area (best people for partying that is), and they somehow end up at the best places where to chill out all night long. Then they crash where-ever so you end up not spending a dime for accommodation. They will drain all your energy and you will be thankful for it.
There is also the solo-traveller, He/she can be a bit of everything, they might be in it for the fun, for new sightseeing places, for museums and galleries, or to meet local people they have never met before (and probably will never meet them again after their encounter). They don't mind travelling alone, quite the opposite, they love the freedom it gives. No need to arrange plans or argue about what to see next. They are flexible in a way that they will arrange the vacation so it is convenient for them, and why not, right?

Here is where the state of mind comes in. Almost 24/7 I think about travelling. I think about future travels, passed travels, possible travel plans, about types of travellers, about what kind of traveller I am, about the best way to travel, about special deals, about who to travel with.... etc.
Some people think of money, of work, of school, of family... my mind is primarily occupied with thoughts about travel. That's all for now. There is a good chance that I will post more about this.

The more I travel - the more I want to travel.

Multiple Universes

We live in multiple universes, in multiple realities. That is the truth! We each see the world via a different lens. It's strange when you really wrap your head around it. You suddenly feel all alone, because the truth is, you are alone in your own world. Earth, most literally, becomes a scary place to live in. Like back when you were a child, even closing your eyes was scary. When you come to think about it, the earth really is just like a dream world. We each live in our own, and somehow assume that everyone else lives in the same one, or some place similar to it. Further more, we tend to fool ourselves that we can relate (or better yet, understand) how the other person is experiencing life.
The truth is, there are countless realities, parallel realities, if I may. They co-exist because the choice is not that big, they just have to co-exist.

 Now Playing: Lorde - Royal

This is Rubbish

This will be me ranting, consider yourself warned. 

I'm at work now.
This place is seriously starting to get on my nerves. I don't even know where to start.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I work at a hotel as a receptionist. I've been here since end of summer. The job is really fine, I have a list of responsibilities, not just one task to do over and over again. During night shifts I also have to prepare the breakfast. I also have to work in the restaurant as a waitress. And when there is no chef in, then I also have to make food for people. Now this is where the rant starts. Two people went to the restaurant, I tell them that there is no chef in, however, I can prepare something for them form the weekend menu. Now they make a face that makes me think that I've told them something so offensive that they are about to get up and walk away without saying a thing. But no, they just sit there with their... unhappy eggplant faces and unwillingly start to view the Weekend menu. Why the un-satisfaction is aimed at me? Is it my fault that the hotel is low on money? Is it my fault that they can't afford a chef for all times? Is it my fault that due to lack of clients it is inefficient to have the chef in? Yeah, I didn't think so!
Meanwhile I'm hoping they don't pick something that we don't actually have available. In a lucky case, they do pick something I have in the kitchen. Then I ask for drinks. There can be various scenarios;
1) They ask for beer, I ask what kind of beer. Many of them then ask something that they know (example, Carlsberg) - sorry, we don't have that, I can offer you some Latvian beers. - Emm, ok. - Then I usually ask if the want dark or light, and they usually don't know what they want. Other times they ask for draft beer, which is also something we don't have. Then often I bring them the first beer (the brand doesn't matter, as tastes vary from person to person), and they don't like it, and ask something different next time. And then for the third beer they go back to option one, assuming that every next beer I'd offer them would be worse and worse.
2) They ask for coffee or tea. That's not as difficult. The tea simply takes more time, as I need to boil hot water. But then there is no tea that they want. Then they say they don't want sugar, but turns out they wanted it after all, same story with milk.
3) They ask for something that I don't have (and that isn't even in the menu) - for example - fresh juice - any juice other than apple or orange - smoothies - ice cream cocktails - some other random drink.
4) They ask for spirit with something. Well, I am still not aware as to what goes in what glass. Then there is also the issue of lack of right sized glasses. I believe there is about two glasses that fit a shot with a full small glass bottle of coke in it - and they are always dirty. Same thing with G&T, I know I should pour the two together, but I don't have such a glass that fits it all!!!
5) They ask for just water, I believe that in any normal place they'd bring water for no charge, but we give the small bottles, there is 300something ml (or 400somthing, I don't care TBH), and then sometimes they are unhappy that I charge them for water.
6) Cola! Yeah, the cola problem is that about 50% of the time there is no coca cola available, because it is the most requested drink and finishes very fast once delivered. So here the question is, why not order more?? You gain more in the long run!!!
So then they pick something to eat, salad, soup or some hot dish, what ever it is, I have to go and make it for them. But wait! Who's doing my real job? Who's working at the reception, you may wonder! It's me! I'm supposed to be everywhere doing everything.
Now here is more bullshit - the reception is open 24/7, for guests that is ideal! But for us, not so much. There is a lot to do in the morning, and a lot in the evening. But middle of the night and middle of the day are usually quiet and there is nothing to do. So you sit on your ass for some hours and then you have to run like a horse for the rest of the time.
I often get comments form the guests asking/wondering how it is that I am all alone and have to do all the tasks. Well, I wonder too!

And who knows? Maybe it's time to get a new job?! I work hard, and I really try to do things well, but the thing is that nobody cares, no one seems to notice that you do so much. And the salary is an absolute joke! It's like a spit in the face. I can't imagine how I'd survive if I was living all by myself. It would be a nightmare.

Anyway, my shift is over in ten minutes. Then I'm going home for some sleep, since I've not had a normal night sleep for a week now. Oh, my colleague will be late, isn't life great?!

Fuck weekends. Fuck work. Fuck men. Fuck people. Fuck music. Fuck the sunlight. Fuck the moon and the tides. Fuck the polluted oceans. Fuck life and fuck death. Fuck all this bullshit.

I'm not satisfied with life today and everything seems to be wrong, everything makes me sad.
I don't even want to apologize for all the swearing.

--Basta.

One-Way Track

I've been on this trip for almost a month now. I'm sad that it will be over. This time has allowed me to think, think so far out of the box, so far from what I had been used to..
Often I think about the choices we make in life. We make them every second of every day, even in our dreams we still make choices. Then we see the outcome. We buy a new shirt, and we see that it looks good on us, and people like it. We say something controversial and someone in the crowd reassures that that is a great way of thinking. We decide to speak to a stranger, and he turns out to be a wonderful person. We take no umbrella when the weather-man said it will rain, and it turns out to be sunny all day. We decide to cross the street on a red light because we see no cars around. .. But what is the choices we make bring bad consequences? WHAT IF the shirt we got will look bad on you? What if no one back up your opinion? What if the stranger turns out to be a psychopath? What if it starts raining cats and dogs on a day when you don't take the umbrella? What if a car comes from around the corner and doesn't see you when you cross on that red signal?

Life is so trivial, so fragile, the smallest things can change who you are and what you will do. But how can you know if you make the right choices in life? By trying of course, you should always try new things, take the risk. You will either succeed or you will gain experience and some sort of perspective. You will then try again, try something different, or try a different approach. But what if it is too late? What if the choice we made is there for good, can't be undone, or altered? What if we make the wrong choice and see it when it's already too late? We go down a one way track and there is no way back.

I like to think that there is a way out - through different doors. I believe it's important to not get stuck, there is always a way out. There is always new things to try, new journeys to be made. So it comes down to DOING things, to stay out of the comfort zone, to try new things, taking risks. It comes down to changing yourself by yet another gram. One day I will not know who I was, I will be a different person. This journey has changed me a lot, it has proved to me things I never knew possible, it has showed me how possible it is to do something when you actually get up and try. It has given me hope about people and myself. Most importantly, it has risen doubts about things I always was very certain of.

Up All Night

I'll stay up all night. I'd do it for You, and You know it. I want to see the world, and I want You there by my side. Where are though northern lights? Where are though days that never end? Where are the never ending nights? I want to be filled with the wonder of the stars. I want to be filled with other people's thoughts. I want to get into your head. I want the wind to blow so hard that I fly away with the leaves. I want to disappear. I want to be like an animal, just live with the instinct of survival. I want to be free, not trapped. I want to live beyond. I want to do things that other people wouldn't dare to even think of. I want to try and I want to succeed. I want to prove them all that I can do more than they ever thought I could. I want to do it, and then rub right in to their faces. I want them to understand the ideas that lie deep beneath. I want them to believe in themselves. I want the human race to succeed. I want to learn the actual meaning of every word. I want to go higher. I want to feel my hear beat. I want You to encourage me, and need You to be there for me.

..Really, I simply want to succeed.

All this is mine

Every time I come in my room, I get a weird feeling. I think to my self: "All this stuff is mine." That's my bicycle standing right across of me. I have my laptop, my camera. I've got an exercise ball that I almost never use. That I almost never use. Most of the stuff that I have is things that I simply own, I just have them. I have books that I haven't even read. I have clothes that I have not worn in months. There's just too much  of everything. Too much. What for? What is stuff for? It makes me sick. It makes me sick to every pore of my body. I get goosebumps when thinking of this. What makes it even worse is that I can't throw things away. A part of me says that I will need this again some day. And, to be fair, I'm probably right. But who knows when that day will come. I have things. It makes me sick. I don't need most of them. What makes me sick even more is that there's people who haven't got a thing. There's people who wish they had a bed and clean bed sheets to sleep at night. There's pretty little girls and women in the world that would die to have at least one piece of jewellery, so that they could wear it to feel special. But do they need it? No. It is not a live-or-die necessity. Do they feel special anyway? What makes them feel special? Family? God? Religion? Traditions? Children? Money? Job? What makes YOU feel special? When was the last time you felt special?

I wish I had more. Not stuff, but wisdom. I wish I had the strength to be who I could be.

Not sure where I was going with this. Basically, I want to be able to stop buying material things.





All that aside, I believe I have decided what I want to do for my one-a-moth thing for June. The idea is to buy a big canvas, or just a simple BIG piece of paper (big meaning something like 2-3 m squared). Then buy some paint, some cheap stuff. AND then paint this big piece of space by using feet and hands. You know, kind of like letting things out of my system in a creative sort of way. Then I could stick this thing to a wall, or to the ceiling in my room. Or toss it out. It is the process that will matter. In most things in life the process is more important than the actual final result. Just something I like to think about.


Lately I've been thinking too much, again. About so many things that it would be even impossible to write it all down, not even in point form. Yeah.. So many things racing through my head all the time. I'm morally tired.

Nu nav jau labākā kompānija.

Vēl līdz šim brīdim neesmu līdz galam izdomājusi ko darīšu vecgada vakarā. Bet tas tak būs jau rīt.

Man ir uznācis kapitāls besis. Ir brīži, kad sirsniņa sitās strauji un ir "labais papīrs," bet lielākoties pavadu laiku domājot par visādām ģēlām. Vispār esmu nogurusi. Ir fizisks un morāls nogurums. Gribas mājās.
Neh, vienkārši gribas kaut kur citur. Pēdējo pāris nedēļu laikā esmu apskatījusi vairākas potenciālas jaunas dzīves vietas te pat Glāzgovā, bet pati neesmu nemaz pārliecināta vai gribu te palikt.

Jāpadomā!


Cik gan ilgi es mocīšu sevi ar to domāšanu?

Draugs vai ienaidnieks?

Izlasīju citātu twitterī, ka tavu ienaidnieku ienaidnieki esot tavi draugi. Tas tā visai absurdi izklausās, bet tādas lietais jau bij iepriekš lasītas un dzirdētas. 'Bunga' tāda, ka man ienaidnieku nav, bet, protams, draugi gan man ir. Un tomēr, varbūt, ka nav, kas to maz var vairi saprast. Pēdējo dienu laikā esmu visai apmulsusi par pilnīgi visu. Galvā jau atkal noris nebeidzamu domu vētra. Jau atkal esmu pārtapusi par pastulbu pesimistu.

Indulis, Dzintars, Daiga, Bunģis, Gundars, Gaida..... Ko vairs maz var saprast?

Gribu kaut kur doties, tālu prom, sākt visu no gala. Man patīk būvēt jaunas domino rindas, lai tās nogāztu...tad atkal būvēt jaunas. Katru reizi citā vietā. Vispār nē, negribu visu sākt no jauna; tas jau būtu tikai turpinājums.

Tas būtu tikai turpinājums.

Galvenais nevajag pieturēties pie ierastā; bieži sanāk daudz domāt bet maz darīt. Jāmācās darīt lietas otrādi, vismaz vairāk tiek padarīts.

Lasāmās domas.

Šodien ir starptautiskā domu lasīšanas diena. Mēs drīkstam kaimiņiem zagt kleitas, un atpakaļ ar nav jāatdod. Toties drīkst pārdod, pat par zemāku cenu. Ja aptrūkstas naudas, tad tas pat ir ieteicams. Muzejā ieeja bez maksas. Tas tāpēc, ka visi melo. Melo ari ekspozīcijas suņi un garmatainie metālisti. Mājās pārnāk agros rītos. Līdz pusdienlaikam varētu būt iespēja tos satikt, un aprunāties, bet viņi slēpjas pagultēs un arā lien tikai tad, kad vakars ir klāt. Gluži kā vampīru jaunā paaudze, kas ap kaklu sudraba rotas nēsā. Tā leģendas gremdēt nemāk vēl neviens. Man pēc diviem simt gadiem beigsies derīguma termiņš, tas kāpēc pasaulei nepienāks gals divi tūkstoš divpadsmitajā. Pie iestāžu jumtiem pienaglota mīļāko apakšveļa. Naglas izkausējušas caurumus, lai nekad vairs neviens neiedomātos neko atpakaļ grābt. Jāstaigā kailiem. Ziemu nomaina vasara, un vasaru nomaina tavas iemarinētās zeķes. Pēkšņi pienāk laiks vārīt gudrības zobus. Vai zināji, ka dūmu desas nesamazina krunku skaitu?

Nu viss, tagad gan būs gana daudz domas izlasītas.

THREE days, People

Exams start this Friday. I hate repeating myself, but really, I CAN'T WAIT!

Today I wanted to talk about the people who you sometimes say "HI" to when You pass them in the hall. Though most of the time you wish you hadn't seen the person. In some cases you actually ignore them and pretend to not have seen them. Ever been in my shoes? Well, I have.
It gets even worse when i get on a bus and one of these people happen to be on that bus. In that case there are several things that can be done. First, ignore them, if they come by and say hi, then say "oh, where you on this bus all this time?". Second, say a vague HI of just smile at the person, what ever You do do not sit beside him/her. Third, go and talk to the person, these conversations usually turn out a waste of own thinking time. They screw you, literally. So most of the time i choose the second option. It does not make You bitchy and you also don't have to make a canadian out of your self by asking things like "How are you?" or "I like your jacket, where did you get it?" Grrr.. I just hate those conversations.

Yeah... thats about it for now.. I think.
Except. Not that You care, but i had some fun times at omegle.com. (don't ask me why i even went there, cuz i don't know myself)

As well as, the thought of yesterday: "Krievs iespļauj mīļā bērna sejā."

~Your Personal Bug! ;D

multitasking

Nu tā. Orģināli bija domāts, ka 'New Post' būs par to kā labāk un efektivāk darīt vairākas lietas vienlaicīgi. To mūsdienās spēj izdarīt ar vien vairāk un vairāk cilvēki. Šobrīd fonā skan faking Eminems (es tiešām neiznu kāpēc!!), ziņas (vajag priekš World Issues mājas darba), tam paralēli cenšos spēlēt zynga pokeri, runāt pa skype, meklēt info Can Fam projektam un, protams, rakstīt šo te, (tas viss ir neskaitot to, ka blakus stāv vēl dzimšanas dienas kūkas gabaliņš, bet to nedrīkst teikt, jo esmu pie mammas datora).
Manu prāt, labi tas nav, jo akurātāk lietas var izdarīt tikai, tad, ja nokoncetrējās tikai vienai lietai. Un tā visas pēc kārtas. Mans minējums ir, ka gala rezultāts būs daudz, daudz labāks un kvalitatīvāks.

Gribēju vēl šo to raktīt, bet es jau vairs neatminos ko..
Tad nu viss, pagaidām!

Guano Apes - Open Your Eyes

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time

itāļi, itālija, māksla, virtuve, mūzika, kultūra

Garā nedēļas nogale! No dzīvojamās istabas klīst čalas un smiekli, kas rit bez stājas. Garlaicības režīmā automātiski ieslēdzās domāšana, kas moka nepārtraukti. Sākās kašķi ar sevi un citiem.. Grrr..
Skolas dienās sāk ost pēc tizlas rutīnas: rīts, steiga, skola, pusdienlaiks bez pusdienām un garlaicīgu kompāniju, skola, mājās, tv un nets un iekošana, mājas darbi, tv, gulēt.. grr.. mož pa vidu sanāks iegrūst kaut ko no tā ko esmu plānojusi, lai šis gads padotos labāk kā pagājušais. bet nez, ta jau manīs.
Šodien domās pamatīgi pielotoju psiholoģijas pamatu zināšanas. Vismaz uz īsu brīdi bija iespēja patēlot gudrīti!
Pa divām dienās izdevās nomest divus kg, bet pēc šodienas itāļu stila vakariņām ir garentēts, ka viss nozaudētais būs atpakaļ!
Visādi citādi iet garlaicīgi un visi, kurus labprāt satiktu ir sasodīti aizņemti!!!
FarmVille aplikācija ir sasidīti kairinoša un negribu vairāk tātā vietā čakarēt laiku.
Tagad, varbūt iešu gulēt, bet laikam tomēr nē. Pameklēšu netā kur un ko varēs studēt pēc 12 klases.

Toto Cutugno - L'italiano

P.S. Apmainīju bloga pulksteni atpakaļ uz EST laika zonu.

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blondais skrienošais

Par nometni nerunāšu!!!

("Signs that said no friends allowed"*)

_________________

Šodien atbraucām no Talsiem! Laiku pavadījām lieliski un Žuža bija ļoti, ļoti viesmīlīga un vispār bija ĻOTI forši! And when i say VERY, then i mean VERY!! Nepārtraukti bija kaut kas ko darīt un kompānija arī bija lieliska. Dažos vārdos: pogas, krāsas, riteņi, bumbieri, kartupeļi, pankūkas, nivea, ugunskurs, desas, brauciens, tornis, pelde, smiekli, skriešana uz busu, upenes, saldie sapnīši...

Šodien vakarā bijām uz 'Zilākalna Martu'. Izrāde bija laba. Kopš pati skolā mācos teātri es uz šādiem priekšnesumiem raugos pavisam savādāk. Stāstīt jau varētu, bet nenes. Bet nu aktieru darbs bija profesionāls un šur tur pār maliņām lija Hermaņa izcilā režija.

Latvijā būšu vēl tik dažas dieniņas. Visu laiku līdz šim man nebija vēlme braukt atpakaļ. Vēl ne. Mēnesis taču ir TIK maz. Un tomēr, nav jau gluži izvēle. Laiks ko pavadījām Latvijā bija nedaudz nogurdinošs. Jā, es izbaudīju dažas no savas dzīves labākajām dienām (līdz šim), bet tikai viena diena no visām bija tāda, ka neizgāju vispār no mājas un nebija ieplānots nekas. Tikai viena diena no apm. trīsdesmit. .. Tā ir viennozīmīgi laba statistika.

Šodien ceļā uz mājām iegājām rimītī, tad devāmies mājās. K gan ne. Tad nu mājās čāpotāji bijām trīs. nolēmām, ka svētdien cepsim picas, bet tas ar vēl nav 100%.
Nu jā,...
Ejam, ejam, ejam, ejam.. Nav vēl vēls un cilvēku plūsma ar vēl nav apšņikāta līdz unīkajiem nakts tipiņiem. Ja nebūtu acis tumsā varētu pat šķist, ka ir diena. Garām paskrēja puisis. Viņam mugurā bija vēsi brūna jaka, lai gan vakars bija pārsteidzoši silts. Kājas slēpās gaišās, brīvās džinsās un virs zeķes bija tumsnēji apavi. Mati bija pārsnieguši stadiju, lai sauktu tos par īsiem. Blondi. Likās, ka skrien, lai paspētu uz kādu tūlīt aizbraucošu trolejbusu, lai gan tuvumā nebija manāms neviens sabiedriskais transports. Bet viņš tomēr skrēja, un nebija būtiski uz kurieni. Brīdī, kad viņa ķermenis aizšāvās garām manējām, viņa lūpas bija savilktas. Caur tām ar spēku tika grūsts laukā gaiss, lai nākamajā brīdi atkal ieviltu jaunu elpas vilcienu. Puiša ritmiskā elpošana man atgādināja dienas, kad pati biju skrējusi. Kad bija izdevies kādā agrā rītā uzvarēt slinkumu. Kad par spīti migpilnajām acīm pati cēlos un vilku virsū apavus ar kuriem maigāka skriešana. Tos rītus, kad pēdas godīgi sitās pret rīta klusumā sēdošo asfaltu. Un ar vienu skrienošu blondu puisi pietika, lai pierunātu mani, ka es tomēr gribu atpakaļ. Gluži kā jebkuram citam nožēlojamam pasaules iedzīvotājam man pietrūkst ikdienas rutīnas.
Un re, man pietrūkst pamosties manas istabas četrās sienās. Man pietrūkst steiga, kas dzina uz skolu. Man pietrūkst sajūta, ka var būt labāk, lai gan ir jau gana labi. Man gribās, lai 12. klase ātrāk sākās, lai tā varētu ātrāk beigties.

Un nav tā, ka tur būtu kā mājās. Es gan te, Rīgā, gan tur, pārnākot mājās sev dažkārt saku, ka gribu mājās. Lai gan zinu, ka atbilde ir, ka īstas mājas nav un viss, es tik un tā gribu, bet pārdomājot visu ciemos ir pienākusi skaidrība. Es nemaz negribu ilgoties pēc tādām vienām mājām. Man patīk būt ceļotājam, kas par mājām nesauc kādu konkrētu stūrīti.. Man mājas ir Rīga, mana Rīga. Visa pilsēta ir mans sapņu būris, te es varu atgriezties, kad tīk un justies labi. Lai arī kur es šajā pilsētā būšu, es jutīšos kā mājās.

Viss... es te jau aizšļūcu nez kur. Jauku jums dienu.

Dziesmas (tādas kopā salikt drīkstu tikai es):
Aerosmith - Crazy
*The Puppy Song

_________________

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don't care! but why?

Plāns.

Vakarnakt ilgi nevarēju iemigt. Kāpēc? Laika zona. Jā, tieši tā, esmu vēl nedaudz sviestā. Nu labi, daudz. Es domāju! (ATKAL! Kādam vajadzētu man sadot pa mici ikreiz kad kaut kas līdzīgs domāšanai pienāk pārāk tuvu manām šūniņām!!) Bet tas bija neizbēgami. Ārā diezgan steidzīgi ausas saule un mans prāts nelika mieru. Izdomāju plānu, to, ko darīšu septembrī, kad skola atsāksies! Man ir liels plāns, bet jums sacīt, nesacīšu. Tad jau redzēs, kas un kā man izdosies.

Vakar satiku Radaru! Hi hi. Viss aizritēja tā, kā likās, ka būs. Donalds + kārtis + fun! Šodien gulēju un ar puikām spēlēju pokeri. Visu dienu. Grrr... es varētu sūdzēties, bet es jau tā nedaru. Un leilīties, ar nelielos! un varbūt tomēr... ha ha .. es vinnēju! :DD

Rīt sestdiena. Hmmm.. Tad jau redzēs kā ies. Varbūt ka pasacīšu kā gāja.

Nu jau ilgāku laiku neesmu saņēmusi nekādas ziņas no Plakņa. Arī skaipā nav onlainā brīžos, kad iepriekš vienmēr bijis. Kad pēdējo reizi runājām viņš nesacīja, ka kur dosies. Bet droši vein, ka kautkur ar ģimeni. t.i. es tā ceru!!
Dažbrīd es pati sev vaicāju vai tā tam vajadzētu būt, ka es par vi;nu domāju. Vai viņš par mani ar vismaz šad tad iedomājās??
Bāc, es atkal domāju!!!

Viss, eju ēst zupu! :))

kaut kur pa vidu

Izmētātas zilbes starp pielūdzēju bariem,
nav vairs klusās čukstu skaņas,
vai uzmācīgās atrunas.

Ģerbonis apskalo pareizi izgrieztos vārdus,
tev caur matu šķirbām izbirst pieskārienu jūra,
bet ne tos noķert ne ar varu piespiest.

Kaili vai apģērbti, mēs dzīvojam tālāk,
ar zināmu neziņu prāta, bet domu par vienu,
par jauno skaitīšanas sistēmu.

Neko nedrīkst garām palaist, pat, ja lūdzās.
Jāievēro glumie likumi, bet tikmēr,
mēs meklēsim, kur saucējs ir nulle.

Gan tu, gan es,
mēz zinām, ka atradīsim meklēto,
un to kā neredzamu brošu pie sirds liksim.

Tā kamēr nākamie rakstītāji un ievērotāji nāks.
Kamēr mēs te vēl esam citi jau jaunus plānus sēj,
bet līdz tam laika vēl daudz.

Tad nākamā paaudze varēs savas pīpes tīt,
un jaunus ceļus būvēt,
mums tik jāiemāca pareizā tehnika.

There are floating syllables amongst my admirers.
no more whispers
or obtrusive excuses.

Symbols rinse the right words,
a sea of touch flows throught you hair,
can't catch them or make them stop.

Naked or not, we go on with our lives,
with a little of uncertanity, but thought of one thing -
the new measuring system.

Can't miss anything, even if they beg.
Have to follow the slipary rules, but mean while,
we will look for a flaw - where the denominator iz zero.

Not you or me
can tell where the search shall end,
but we will pin it on to our heart, to not forget.

It will go on until the next writers will come.
While we are here, the next ones are making new plans,
don't worry, we still have time.

The next generation will roll their own cigarettes,
and build their own roads and parking spots,
all we have to do is teach the technique.

Man galva plīst pušu, jo nezinu kur tavi vārdi pārvēršas par izdomāto un neīsto. Tu mani biedē. Tā laikam psiholoģiskā realitāte - mēs baidāmies no tiem, kas līdzīgi. Vai konkurence ir tā, kas biedē?... Vai mums bail pašiem uz sevi skatīties? Es neprasu, lai atbildi. Es negribu, lai atbildi. Šodien augstpapēžu kurpēm uzasināts papēdis, lai kāpjot vairāk sāp. Lai, kad dejojam to deju, kuru neatminos tev pēdas dur. Lai ir vērts vēl asākus trīt.
Sasodītā sabiedrība. Viņiem (un mums) viss ir plika bilde. Šis labs, tas nē! Un, lai cik daudz es nezinātu, es māku sacīt to, ka NEKAD nav tā, ka ir melns vai balts..../this is where you have to think/
Un man vienalga par to, ka nekad ir nekad nesakāmais vārds.. jo taisnība šoreiz iegūs troni - visi esam pa vidu - starp labo un ne tik labo ;] ! !! !!!


I shall not scream in the middle of the night; i shall not scream in the middle of the night; i will not scream tonight; i can stop screaming my mute scream tonight; if i do scream, its not because i want to be heard. I shall not scream, not tonigt. I will not scream. And the worst part is that u know i will not scream tonight or any other night. I shall not scream. If u r a genious then u totaly understand what i mean. If not, then all u need to know is that i will NOT SCREAM TONIGHT! (and if i do (which is not gonna happen) there would be no way for u to stop me!) ha ha..
lets just turn off the light and leave the ride in the parking space provided. Press the lock button and leave me the key! You know what i mean! i know u do. So, will u do as i say. No, don't scream. See, everyone has a time in their lives when they want to scream. Some want more, some not. I know that u will not scream tonight, because then ur ears shall fall dead. OK. Don't scream.
"I could never love someone who missed a metaphore." <--- i did not just say that! Im just kiddin, ill luv u even if u don't get this so called metaphore.
A sweet goodnight kiss on ur cheek and a kiss on your forehead. The first kiss - I love you. The second kiss - sweet dreams. ha ha, no metaphores here. ;]

p.s. Es nedrīkstu teikt ko domāju. bet saku, ka tas ir kaut kas, ka iepriekš šeit nav sacīts.. tikai manā galvā.. es vēl domāju.. esmu domāšanas procesā. Nē..jā!..veiksmīgu domāšanu! :D

p.s.s. Man sāp kakls un.. Au!
-more tea??
-yes, please!



AND THIS IS WHERE I SHUT UP!

Mu ha ha ha hāāā.....