One

I am one of a kind, not because that's what they all say. And not because it is original to be different, but because I really am like no one else. There are several things that bring me out of the crowd. Tonight, for instance, it is the fact that I learn from my mistakes.
I made a choice once, and I regretted it. And then I felt silly, since I knew that if I hadn't done what I did, then I would still feel the same, but for different reasons. BUT now, I simply know to not do that again.

I am like no one else because I know what I want and I do everything possible to not achieve it. And when I finally do the right thing, I fail. It's pathetic. (But really it's just Murphy's law.) I'm doomed to fail regardless of any other external (or internal) factors.

I'm tired. I want to go to bed, but I can't; not today, not now. I want to say what I think, but I can't.. and I never will, not about this one thing. It's called life. It sucks on every possible level. And yet I enjoy it, it must be the masochistic side of me speaking.

Anywho, I'd like to say one more thing, no several more things, but not now...not ever.





P.S. Men are stupid. (Just so you don't forget!)

You Should Know This

There is this thing that I have to tell you. You really deserve to know this. However, there are obstacles. There are facts, even digits in this fragile issue. This is not a quantity, this is an issue. It concerns only me and you, and no body else. Which is why I can not tell you. I have to, but my lips are sealed. My voice is mute, I can not say a word, not to you, not about this one thing. So it is easier to avoid you all in one, it is easier to stay astray and doodle off into my own little world. It is actually better this way.

You have to know just this one thing. You deserve that. It's the least I could do to support fairness in this world. But you've betrayed me once, twice, three times.. It became too much to count. So this time, when it really is a matter of your concern, I will make an exception. I will be selfish and put myself first. It might be about you, more that one could think, but it's more so about me. It is me.

I can not tell you. You would not know how to react. You would panic even. You'd lose your head. But me, I've got a special skill to handle such issues. I'll live through it.
I want to share with just one soul, just some one, anyone really. But no one would understand. No one has the ability to understand, even you don't.
I'd tell you. I'd tell you because it would be so much easier for me. I'd tell you because you have a right to know. I'd tell you because just maybe you'd have an opinion, or a previous experience. Maybe we could put our minds together and deal with this.
Who am I kidding? You would never help me out, even if it was for your own good. I can not tell you, for it is a secret. You talk to much, and your mouth is too big. I could not deal with thinking that too many ears know my secret.

So I will keep it to myself, and not tell a single soul. Eventually everything passes, and life returns to a certain cycle. But as I deal with this, all I ask is for you to leave me alone. Leave me be, and don't you dare even ask what's wrong. Because deep down we both know that you couldn't care less about me.

This shall be the second real secret in my life that no one knows. Ever. It will never be written down. It will never be said out loud. It is something that will pass. And maybe, just maybe, I'll forget about it one day.

Cik ilgi gan var klusēt?

Klusēšana esot zelts. Kāpēc gan? Mīļie ļaudis, patiesība ir nedaudz savādāka kā sākumā varētu šķist. Īstajā dzīvē ir tā, ka nevienam neiet pie sirds klusētāji. Viņi ir aizdomīgi maitas, un līdz ar to cilvēki no tādiem turas pa gabalu. Tā nu viņš ir. Mirstīgie ir ļoti piesardzīga suga, viņiem nepatīk, ja viņi visu nezina un neredz, jo tad viņi jūtas bezspējīgi, nu tādi pavisam mazi un viegli ievainojami. Līdz ar to, sevis labad visi izvairās no klusētājiem.

Paliekot uz tās nots, varu droši apgalvot, ka esmu klasisks 'klusētājs'. Kāpēc? Jo es klusēju.

Bet tas nav būtiski. Vēlējos pastāstīt par to atziņu, ka runāšana ir sudrabs, bet klusēšana zelts. Āķis, kas jārij, ir tas, ka klusēšana ir zelts tikai tad, ja zini kad un ko noklusēt. Savukārt klusēt visu laiku, tas nav vairs zelts, bet gan putnu biedēklis. Ne velti runāšanai ir piešķirta godpilnā otrā vieta. To gan ir jāiemācās pareizi pielietot, jo tie, kas nepārtraukti muld ir zābaki. Tā ir!

Bet es vēl tikai mācos par klusuma pareizo pielietojumu. Instrukcijas nav, skolotāja ar nav, tad nu atliek visu apgūt pašmācības ceļā.