Man sāp tava galva.

I was going to write in English today, but this title "Man sāp tava galva" doesn't really translate into English well. Best I could think of is "Your head hurts mine," maybe you have a better suggestion?

I'm going to try and be as honest as my fingers and mind will let me. 

I just realised that I haven't changed my facebook profile picture since January of this year. It lead me to thinking why so? and the immediate answer is that I like to change it after I've travelled somewhere new. But the truth is travel hasn't really been feasible this year. 2019 has had immense ups and downs.. Where to begin?

A couple of good friends left work earlier this year, and I got to step into one of their shoes - I got promoted. I had been looking for such change for a while now as I had hit a wall in a sense that responsibilities had become dull.

I signed up to continue studies at OU.

My amazing boyfriend popped the question, and we're getting married next year.


I went to see ENT doctor as my referral from mouth doctor finally came through. Many tests and scans later ....
Tuned out that the lump that had been growing in my neck for years was cancer, or as doctors like to call it carcinoma. Whatever, I call it The C word as the other two arise awkwardness in people. But that's just the beginning! Thyroid cancer is fairly rare. There are four main types, papillary (8 out of 10 cases), follicular (1 out of 10 cases), medullary (1 out of 10 cases) and anaplastic (very rare, more aggressive 1 in 50 cases). While thyroid cancer is more common in women, that is the case only for the first two types. The other two affect men and women equally. The one I had/have is medullary. As the cause and location of the four is different, so is the treatment. However, the primary treatment is surgical removal of the carcinoma. So I was scheduled for that and it was done in May. Medullary thyroid cancer doesn't have specific treatment afterwards as it will differ from case to case. For me, they will monitor calcitonin and CEA levels in my blood forever and if/when they go too high they do something about it. According to the doctor this will happen relatively soon, but they can't know when or where. Then it's either further surgery and/or trial drugs that seem to be doing wonders, but then again, who knows? As the reason for my C is a genetic condition these new drugs should work as they target the RET gene.

So, yes, as it turns out I have an extremely rare genetic mutation (it is hereditary, however I am a de novo case as neither of my parents have it). It is called MEN2B (or MEN3) - Multiple endocrine neoplasia tybe 2b. MEN has different types, and, of course, I have one of the rare ones, because if I have a very rare genetic mutation, why not make it the super rare one? Well, funnily enough this explains ALL the weird things about my body now and while I was growing up. I won't go into them just now, but I would like to finish on a slightly more positive note.

Knowing that I have this rare condition has given me some sort of peace. It explains literally everything that has made me feel like an outsider all my life, and reading all those symptoms has made me feel like I belong somewhere. So through facebook I have found different groups and people; and even people with the same condition. Yes, they are across the world, but I have people to chat to that understand me, and I can understand them.

My now fiance has been my Rock, and my family have been amazingly supportive! ❤

Well this has been me procrastinating, back to the books!

Publish? save.

I don't make stuff up (aka sources)

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/thyroid-cancer/

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/thyroid-cancer/about/what-is-thyroid-cancer.html

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/thyroid-cancer/understanding-cancer/types-of-thyroid-cancer/medullary-thyroid-cancer.html#12767

https://www.cancer.net/cancer-types/multiple-endocrine-neoplasia-type-2

Shh, Don't Say a Thing

Her voice was still low, she was quiet, she was about to tell a secret. The silence was daunting, but somehow relaxing. It reminded her that her secret might me kept, and it might not be heard by the world. The room was dim, there were no windows, and just the one door through which she entered. The room was small, it had a round table and some chairs placed around it. There were also a chair in two corners of the room. She sat opposite of the door, at the table. The table was empty, it was unstable, and so was the chair that she sat on. It was hard to stay balanced, she thought she'll fall any moment now. But there she was, hanging in there.
She could hear a weak melody playing somewhere far away. There was no way of determining whether it was played live, or if it was a record playing. She could't even tell the genre of the song, or what instruments had created the piece, but she could hear it, and she knew it was there.

She felt like a rag-doll, worn-out, tired, over-used, and very confused. She was not sure what she was doing in this small room. But deep down she knew, she knew she was here about the secret, she wanted to share her secret. She gulped a huge junk of air, a boulder was still there, stuck in her throat, as if pulling her back from what she was about to do. But despite all, she had to, she needed the weight somehow lifted of off her, at least some part of it.

She then did it, she silently said the words that were burning her mind and her soul. She put them out there, and it felt as if she struck herself with a dagger. Tears stared to poor down her face as if blood was pooling under a never-healing wound. She felt so much pain that it could not be measured in any form, it was passed any scale, it was passed any weight measure, the pressure was squeezing every drop of life she still had in her. She had said those few words that she was meaning to tell someone.

Her eyes gently scanned the room. Through her never-ending river of tears she tried to see what had changed, what had happened.

But there she was
all alone in a small room
sitting on a broken chair
at an old, round table.

Secrets are no longer secrets if shared.

The girls heart is wounded, and she will never be able to fix it.
She picked herself up, in the pace of the fading melody she moved her body across the room to the door, then she left the room.

And it was as if she had never been there.

You Should Know This

There is this thing that I have to tell you. You really deserve to know this. However, there are obstacles. There are facts, even digits in this fragile issue. This is not a quantity, this is an issue. It concerns only me and you, and no body else. Which is why I can not tell you. I have to, but my lips are sealed. My voice is mute, I can not say a word, not to you, not about this one thing. So it is easier to avoid you all in one, it is easier to stay astray and doodle off into my own little world. It is actually better this way.

You have to know just this one thing. You deserve that. It's the least I could do to support fairness in this world. But you've betrayed me once, twice, three times.. It became too much to count. So this time, when it really is a matter of your concern, I will make an exception. I will be selfish and put myself first. It might be about you, more that one could think, but it's more so about me. It is me.

I can not tell you. You would not know how to react. You would panic even. You'd lose your head. But me, I've got a special skill to handle such issues. I'll live through it.
I want to share with just one soul, just some one, anyone really. But no one would understand. No one has the ability to understand, even you don't.
I'd tell you. I'd tell you because it would be so much easier for me. I'd tell you because you have a right to know. I'd tell you because just maybe you'd have an opinion, or a previous experience. Maybe we could put our minds together and deal with this.
Who am I kidding? You would never help me out, even if it was for your own good. I can not tell you, for it is a secret. You talk to much, and your mouth is too big. I could not deal with thinking that too many ears know my secret.

So I will keep it to myself, and not tell a single soul. Eventually everything passes, and life returns to a certain cycle. But as I deal with this, all I ask is for you to leave me alone. Leave me be, and don't you dare even ask what's wrong. Because deep down we both know that you couldn't care less about me.

This shall be the second real secret in my life that no one knows. Ever. It will never be written down. It will never be said out loud. It is something that will pass. And maybe, just maybe, I'll forget about it one day.

Blame it on the Booze

I should learn to not talk when i've had some alcohol. Yesterday it seems that i've said things that should have been left unsaid. Besides, what was the point of going out if 'he' didn't go. He plain vanished. And later claimed it was because he had to get to bed early. Fuck it. Last night was fun anyway, i had a great time. That's what matters. Of course, arriving home at 5 am isn't great because of the amount of sleep i ended up getting before going to work.. But most of the night rocked my world anyway.

Well, now i should really get some sleep! :)

Picture This

I'm walking alone from the train station. It's close to midnight. Paisley is seen as a very ''safe'' town, especially the East end, where my 'home' happens to be.

Oh, by the way, poker was moved to yesterday (Wednesday night). There were nine players, and I ended up in the third position this time. Not too bad, not too good. But just for playing I get points, so i hope to be playing in the finals once this 'batch' is done..

After poker I took one of the last trains back to Paisley. The walk from the station to the residence is about 15 minutes. The streets are pretty much empty at this time, especially the ones I have to walk in. When i'm about half way i see a man in front of me who's walking my way. You're probably speculating what I was thinking, or who this guy was. As I walk closer to him, he moves closer to me, and is clearly approaching me. You'd think i'd avoid him(?) No. I had some beer at the pub while playing poker, by the way..

Anyway.

You want to know what happened?

.....to be continued, maybe.

... Nope, i'm gonna keep this as just another secret of mine. ;)