One

I am one of a kind, not because that's what they all say. And not because it is original to be different, but because I really am like no one else. There are several things that bring me out of the crowd. Tonight, for instance, it is the fact that I learn from my mistakes.
I made a choice once, and I regretted it. And then I felt silly, since I knew that if I hadn't done what I did, then I would still feel the same, but for different reasons. BUT now, I simply know to not do that again.

I am like no one else because I know what I want and I do everything possible to not achieve it. And when I finally do the right thing, I fail. It's pathetic. (But really it's just Murphy's law.) I'm doomed to fail regardless of any other external (or internal) factors.

I'm tired. I want to go to bed, but I can't; not today, not now. I want to say what I think, but I can't.. and I never will, not about this one thing. It's called life. It sucks on every possible level. And yet I enjoy it, it must be the masochistic side of me speaking.

Anywho, I'd like to say one more thing, no several more things, but not now...not ever.





P.S. Men are stupid. (Just so you don't forget!)

Lemonade!

2013 has just begun, and it's already been quite a journey. Problems keep appearing, some out of nowhere. Other problems I seem to fetch out of thin air. You know how I am, I like complicating everything. 

But I've decided to make some lemonade. You know, when life gives you lemons.. ;)

Gotta take what ever I can, and the past few days have been a nightmare, to say the least. So very few good things are happening. None. Zero. Close to zero. Just because I'm positive. And I shall keep this attitude no matter what.

Oh, I just remembered, I've gotta read my letter to myself. And write a new one for the future me. :D

Hehe, maybe I'll do that when things settle down. Now life seems to be a bit of a chaos.

P.S. Is it ok to be an ass to people for own benefit? I don't really do that often, so feels a bit odd. But this person has been an ass to me, so he deserves it. FUck. I don't care. :P

I Believe In..

One day I shall write about my life. And then I shall decide where to start and where to end the story. However, until then I have decided to change my life (again), not crucially, but just a bit. Today I shall post about the things I believe in. Yes, I will not cram about the things that I dislike, or things I don't believe in. I will try to list some things, and then write what I mean by that.
Before I do that I'd like to state a stupidity that I have committed. I always wait for the dude to send me a text message. And it used to be that I was so silly and answered right away, and so placing myself in the same situation - the waiting area. But lately things have slightly changed. I still wait for the guy to send a message, but when he does, I ignore it. I knew I would ignore it in the first place, but I still wait for a something. Last night (a Friday, as you could have guessed anyway) one guy sent a text message. Quite frankly I didn't even see that one coming. But then somewhere between 3 and 4 am GUESS-WHO called. Of course I did not pick up. Was he trying to get back at me for that one time....... Or was he trying to get back at me for not replying to his last two messages? OR was he actually hoping to see me?? Either way, I am not going to do anything about it.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, I can list some things that I believe in.

First, and far most important thing, I believe in my twin brother. You'd maybe expect me to write family and friends or something of that sort. And you are probably wondering why I am picking out just one person of this so-called group. The reason is that I don't believe in nor my family, nor my friends. However, I do believe in my twin bro. Not because he has trouble believing in himself, but because I really think that he can do more that what he is doing right now. I believe in him because I know what kind of a person he is, and I know that when someone wants something real, real bad, they can achieve it. He simply has not understood what it is that he wants to aim for. It is possible that I believe in him just to some how keep believing in myself; all because at some level we are in the same place. And who knows, maybe it is cuz we are twins, or maybe it's the upbringing, or maybe it's all the possible factors added together. But we are both struggling, each due to different list of things.. And gosh, I know this person, I know the deepest corner of his heart. I know he is strong. I know he leads his life with love and passion (gosh, this sounds lame).. But that is the truth.

So we lead in to the next thing: I believe in the GOOD. Yes, the good. I believe that there are people on this planet who are not entirely self centered. I believe that some people in the world would die to save another being. Of course, there isn't only back and white (sometimes I forget this), we all have our vices, and our falling point. But some people simply care less about themselves and more about others (or someone else in specific). It really doesn't matter, as long as the person doesn't spend his/her entire life just concerning about himself/herself.. I lost the train of thought... OOooppsss. I believe in Santa Claus. :D

I believe in art, all forms of art really. Painting, sports, photography, dance, singing, cooking, crafts, visual arts, modern art, art of design, art of work, art of structure, art or anything a person can be good at, anything  that a person can do so good that it can be admired.

(I need to remember how to project my thoughts into decent sentences and paragraphs.)

I could list some more things, but I'll just go with one more.

I believe in good night sleep. ;)

I. Want. You.

There are so many things to say, and yet they'll remain unsaid. There are so many things that I would want to do, that will remain undone. There are just too many words willing to fly right in your face. But I'll hold back, and not say a single word. There are too many memories that can not be erased. There are silly rules and laws. And then there is You. Someone who is there, and then you're gone again. You say one, but who the hell knows what you're thinking.
Too much's been said, so I shall stay silent for now. But one day we'll talk; face to face, heart to heart. We'll talk it all out, so there'll be nothing more to say. But deep down I know that no matter how we part, we'll find a way to see each other again and again and again.

Why I Will Not Text Back

I know that even if I really do message him back, I am going to be the one waiting on his response. And maaaan, it is a pain in ass to be forced to check your phone after every 5 minutes just to see that there are no new messages. Therefore I will not text him back. It's just not worth it.

Ich weiß nicht

It's Mind-FUCK all over again. :@

Le Weekend

Yesterday I had arranged a meeting with my frined. The plan was to have a few drinks at the pub where we play poker on Mondays. All that isn't important. What is quite...well, interesting is who we met while we were there. A guy who has a story, let's just say that. And as the night progressed my friend said that we should go out and about after the pub. I just went with it. ...


Blah, blah, blah... Long story short, I didn't spend the night at home.. and then I went straight to work. :D


P.S. I got my earrings back btw. 

Zubabibubaibe 2

Labs ir, centīšos šoreiz nedaudz garāk pastāstīt kā man iet. Saule pārāk agri riet. Katru dienu paliek neievilkti elpas vilcieni. Laiks skrien, nezin kur stāties. Dzīvi padara raibāku jaunā alerģija. Man ir alerģija pret vēsturi, pret pagātni, pret to, kas kādreiz ir bijis. Nepalīdz lētās tabletes, ko darīt? Es nezinu. Nenāk miegs vēlās nakts stundās. Nenāk miegs vispār. Dzīvojos pa pilsētu cauru nakti, mājās pārnāku agros rītos. Tad ārdu māju, dziedu līdzi bezgaumīgajām dziesmām, kas nebeidz skanēt caur vecā rādžiņa tumbām. Skaņas kvalitātei gan nav ne vainas. Izsīkušiem spēkiem dodos uz darbu. Tur spēku nemaz nevajag, vismaz ne fizisko. Emocionāli ir grūti. Ir rutīna. Rutīna ir ķēms. Rutīna ir mans vienīgais ienaidnieks. Kad neizgulējies, tad nav nemaz tik grūti, jo smadzenes ieslēdzas autopilotā; viss jau iepriekš ir darīts, vairākas reizes. Lieki sacīt, ka vīrieši padara dzīvi vēl neciešamāku. Viņi domā, ka var darīt kā grib. Viņi domā, ka es neesmu riebīga, gaida nez ko. Tas tak man uz pieres rakstīts, ka klāt labāk nenākt. Viņi neklausa. Tad lūdz, lai palīdzu, bet paši nekad neko. Vēl viņi tēlo, ka zin, kas ir sarkasms. Viņi konstanti nodarbojas ar fikcijas veidošanu. Un viņi uzskata, ka zagt auskarus ir stilīgi. Citi vēl apsaukā mani par mīļo un dārgo. Grēcinieki tādi. Neveicas ne kārtīs, ne mīlestībā. Neveicas vispār nekur. Neveicas. Punkts. Un jā, es atkal skaļi klusēju, tikai šoreiz citā frekvencē. Neesi aita, ej gulēt taču.

Jau augusts

 Man riebjas rutīnas. Viss atkārtojas. No rīta ceļos vienā laikā, viena un tā pati sasodītā minūte. Es paveru acis, jau nogurusi, telefonā digitālā pulksteņa švīkas rāda 6:35.6:35. 6:35. Sasodīts, 6:35. Modinātājs noskan tikai 7:15.Nezinu, varbūt kāds kaimiņos dien dienā ceļas tanī laikā. Vai varbūt tās kaijas, kas mūždien klaigā iebrēcas īpaši skaļi tieši 6:30 ik rītu.

Vārdu trūkuma dēl pastāstīšu kā pēdējās divās nedēļās gājis poker spēlē. Labi nav gājis, bet kopvērtējumā ir tomēr izdevies saglabāt piekto vietu. Pagaidām. Man tomēr ir vairāk jāsaņemas, lai var beigās spēlēt finālā..tas gan vēl tālu. Vienīgā bēda par pirmdienām tāda, ka vienmēr sanāk notriekt daudz naudas. Ar visu Buy inu, dzērieniem, lūzer galdu, un, protams, vakara turpinājumu. Vienmēr vakars nebeidzas ar pokeri vien. Pagājušajā nedēļā mājās biju nedaudz pēc pieciem. Šonedēļ biju laicīgāk, bija biči pirms četriem, kad beidzot pārnācu. No centra nācām divatā, jo viens cilvēks ar dzīvo šajā pilsētas pusē. Līdz ar to divatā sanāca iet ilgi, bet vismaz ceļš likās īsāks. :D Ar kompāniju vienmēr jautrāk kā nekā. :))


Pirms pāris dienām lejuplādēju Tildes vārdnīcu, tas nozīmē, ka tagad varu rakstīt latviešu burtiem nemeklējot tos netā. Labais papīrs! :D