Marta said.

So Marta thinks that I should get my shit together and start doing something useful.

It sounds like a very rational idea,
but yeah,
...

This is What I Wish to Give to You ..

Ever heard of something called nothing?! Well, that is what I am going to give You. Don't be upset, it is nothing personal. Let's face it - I have no idea who You are and I have not even a clue of where You are. So there is no chance of me giving You anything at all. I am very sorry for that.

You see my life has been changing so much that I can't even tell You it all. First I know when I will be leaving Canada. That will be happening very soon. Too soon. But before that comes, there will be goodbye parties, thankfully. Also, I still have to finish my summer school classes. Yeah, I might have never mentioned that before. I am taking summer school to boost up my average, so that I can get into the University.

Now a while ago, I graduated. Yeah, I managed and I survived (as You can see). Many of my friends have left already and it makes me sad to my guts and I feel like crying when ever I think of it. My best friend in Canada left last week, I never realized how good friends we were until the last few times that we met. It is almost insane, unimaginable, but true. I am gonna miss him so much. [See, my eyes are filled with tears now!! :'(] But we had some great times together and I will never forget it all.

The other day I found a letter that I wrote for myself at the beginning of my last school year (to be precise, 8th of September, 2009). I started this tradition on the February of 2007 when I wrote one that had to be read on the December of 2007, but I only read it in 2009 September. The last letter was to be read now, or in June. It described how my life was then and what I think of the thing that were happening. To keep the tradition rolling, I wrote a new letter. That one has to be read no earlier that 2011 August. I wrote some bullshit there, but I might blog about it, when I read it.

I still have so much to do in a very short time period. I have to pack, not only to go to Latvia, but also pack ALL my stuff. I have one suite case that I will have with me when I go now, while all my other things will be travelling only in November. Other than that I still have loads of stuff to do regarding to my education. As I mentioned, I still have to finish summer school. The last day is Monday the 26th of July, so only a week left. Exams are on this Friday. All I can think about is how I can kill myself before Friday (joking, I do not want to kill myself)! As summer school will be done, my next BIG step will be university, but I still have some things to sort out regards to that, send in applications to live in residence, as well as get in the university (since I got a conditional offer from two universities). I am scared that I will not get into my first choice, but I really want to, so let's keep our fingers crossed.

One more thing. Saying goodbye is so hard!! Yeah, I have done that before, but as I get older it gets harder since that bond I create with people is much stronger and way more meaningful. It pains me so badly that sometimes I cry only because of the idea that I will never ever see them again. Oh well.

So goodbye for now, but I promise You will hear form me again some time. I know I have become a lazy blogger lately, but I barely can find any time or inspiration to write anything, so please forgive me.

Oh and by the way, I hope You all are very into my SONG OF THE DAY blog. I have not ditched that one, not yet!

York Street and Graduation

I am officially a graduate of secondary school. Yeah, I have a diploma now!


ugh. ill finish this tomorrow. or the day after that. or ... some other day. but i really have loads to say! :)

Viss tač tas pats. Is that so?

I don't know what is up with me and questions lately. All I do is ASK, ASK, ASK, ASK, but no one is giving me the answers (that's probably because I ask my self, not other people, yup, never smart). Todays question, as You can see in the title is Is that to? Now, You might me wondering what exactly I am talking about, since it can get REALLY annoying when people go on and on about WHO KNOWS WHAT! So, for the first time (I think, the first time) I will get straight to the point. (HAHAHA, FAIL, straight to the point would be me finishing by now.) Either way, I am talking about the topic that I fear to even think about, UnIvErSiTy.
As I expected my marks did not stay on the ball. (Remember, I told You that the semesters are too long, so I lose motivation and the willingness to try by the time there is about one third of the semester left?) Unless universities practice the method It's ok, we don't care I am pretty much doomed to not get into the university that I wanted to get into so badly. But since I try to live a positive life, (Yeah, right, that's why I am so depressed. Gosh, i make no sense.) I understand that I still can get in the other university that required lower marks. Which is ok, after all it was one of my choices.

I can't wait for school to be over. There are 8 school days left. Then there will be the exams ANT then I will be done with school! :D It all sounds good, but then I think about taking summer school to improve my English mark and it makes me feel more depressed than I was in December 2008. (Those were bad times.)

Sorry, I can't stop babbling about school. But You gotta understand me, at least try to!

Life.. Life is all the same. As I read on someones blog a few minutes ago: "Same shit, different day." So give the pile of shit, I can hold it without braking, trust me. I mean, i haven't failed for the last 18 years of my life. The difference now is that I understand more than I did yesterday. (Or do I?)

With all the love I can possibly share right now,
Marta Viola.

P.S. Having friends over tomorrow, well, today, since it is past midnight. We plan to have a lot of fun! If You know where I live (OMG, please say You don't), You are welcome to join, but give me a heads up! ;D

Yēēy to rain.

My profile update in facebook was updated at 1:30, it was simple, but perfectly expressing my feelings: "rain! ♥" Soon it was liked by my a relative of mine and I felt like I am not alone. Though I like feeling alone, sometimes it is nice to feel like there is someone else out there who agrees, at least a little.

School is coming to an end. There are 10 school days left and I can't wait any longer. My hands get all shaky and my head can no more think straight when I think about how soon school is going to be over. This is officially the last month! Exams start on the sixteenth and Prom is on the twenty-eighth.

How to live in a Drama

Life is a bitch! A big ass Drama. But in a polite language, it is never easy. And You know what? The best part of life is the fact that it is never easy! If it would be easy then there would be no big point of living it. Right? Of course I'm right.
This week is bringing me down. Well, first, I have found the reason why for the last two years I have been terrible in school. Here it goes...
The semesters are too long! Yes it is that simple. I get going every semester with an awesome start, great marks, impressive attendance and a 100% effort. But then when about one third is left I bake down. How did I not see it before? No the next step is to come up with a solution! (Even though now it is a little too late!) Anyway.
As a person who need diversity, what can I do to not make one semester seem so long? What about little changes? (Well those are the only things I can do!) First I have to fix my bike, or start walking to school. Not only a change, but a good and healthy change. Yeah, I don't think I will have the will to walk to school in the mornings, I could handle the after school walks home. The weather now is gorgeous and the sun is very, very generous lately. Getting back to the topic, things I could change. I could move to a different seat in classes where it is possible. I could buy (another) new bag. (Thats what I did at the start of the second semester...now that I think about it, that was the reason why I got the bag; I wanted something new.) Or a new pencil case ZĀBAKS is too old and makes me ill when people ask me what it means. Or I just need something that would make me happy /mind interrupts: money, money, money and more money/ or in other words, shopping! I am sorry, but I can't help it, love of shopping is like a curse to almost every girl.

I will think about that and see what comes of it. Mean while, I really wanted to tell You that this week are our drama shows on! Yeah! Haha, we worked hard (did we?) and tomorrow is our first show! I am stressing out like a teen going on his first date and am unable to pull myself together. But I will. I have to. Then we have another show on Thursday and then we will be done with this /my mind: Yes! No more Bitches!!/ Can't wait for it to be over.

Who likes perfect?

Last night was a blast. I wasn't going to write about that. At all. But then just now i decided that I want to. A little. Me and four of my friends had decided to go and see Iron Man 2. We were going to go yesterday (a Tuesday) since it is the half a price day, but when we got to the movies we found out that all the tickets were sold out. Then we quickly drove to a different one, and that one was all sold out as well. We were upset. (As you can probably imagine) And right by just happened to be an LCBO store. The plan was born right there and then. We all kinda contributed to it and I must say, it was an awfully random idea, great, but also not very smart. Anyway, so went in the LCBO got coolers and went to one of the guys house. HA HA! He had a bottle of tequila. And his brother had a HUGE collection of alcohol. He just kept bringing bottles out: Cognac, Mojito mixes, vodka, etc. Then he left saying: "Have fun!" And, yes, we did! :D

...

Now back to what I was going to talk about. Perfect.
I was busing to school today, to my last class. (Yeah, we stayed at that guys place for a sleep over) And I saw an interesting guy on the bus. (Didn't see that one coming, did You? Ha Ha) We had the stare-stare thing and then I had to get off. I thought about how cute the whole thing was. I smiled to myself. He was so imperfect. He was nervous just from the gazing in to each other eyes. His palms were sweating, I could tell it because he was rubbing his palms against his jeans. He had a cheap haircut, the regular short hair type a thing, and a simple sweater. Perfect? No! But he looked so good. He had a pretty face, his lips were a little dry and he had dark, shiny eyes. I wished I wasn't running late for the last class that I really wanted to go to, I wished I could have stayed on the bus for more stops so he could hopefully start talking to me. But there just wasn't enough time. (Uh, TIME, never enough TIME.) Then after school, after the extra drama rehearsals I was busing, this time home, I was a "perfect" couple outside walking down the street. Since there was traffic, I got to see this couple a few times. The girl was wearing a black skirt that had a golden stripe along the bottom of it. The skirt stopped right above her knees, one could see her fit, tanned legs. Then she was wearing a white shirt and a spring jacket. Her black hair was covering half of her back, they were trimmed in a straight line and dyed in one shade of dark brown (or maybe it was her real colour, I don't really care). She was wearing very little make-up, that's what it looked like, but her eyes were highlighted so well, that i do not believe she had little make-up. Her lips were glossy pink. She was holding her French manicured hand with her boyfriend. He was wearing designer jeans. I could tell it. I simply could. His feet were wrapped in converse shoes. He had a leather jacket that had two pockets on each side. He had a fresh looking spring scarf around his neck and sunglasses on the top of his head. (Let me guess, those were designer too.) They were so perfect, waling down the street and smiling.

I came to thinking. Who likes perfect? Do You? Isn't perfect boring? Do the perfects like perfects?
WHO IS PERFECT?

...

We decided to go and see Iron Man 2 next Tuesday, if it will be still playing.

Good old

As maybe some of you know. Oh no, wait. You don't know. (Blame it on silent April)
My phone has gone under construction several times now. The last time was very, very unpleasant. I ended up losing the original buttons replacing those with pieces of cork and taping them to the phone. Now I am embarrassed to take my phone out when in public. So now I have found my old phone. It can not be charged, but since it both of the two phones are Sony Ericsson, i can switch them all the time. It is also very slow. I don't understand why because I have deleted a bunch of files. And, of course, the graphics of the old phone are terrible. I guess we get too pampered with all the new technologies. But i think it is acceptable when living in this painful to watch society. The old phone is also bigger and .. how do i say this.. old!
And i can't get my contacts from one phone to the other. Well. I might just stick to the taped pain in the butt.

It is Saturday night and I am sitting at home. I will go to sleep soon, since i didn't sleep last night.
Or will I? I still have to finish my homework for Spanish class.

too much to carry

Hello. March break is OVER. School tomorrow. It was OK. Went to Sudbury with part of da family. Visited some museums, got to see how real mining goes. Had a relaxing time. Oh, and my dad is here in Canada now, he got here a week ago and is staying two more weeks. I plan to go clubbing on friday, but i am not sure if i will. Maybe i will just go to friend's house and chill. Also, i have re-started to go to the gym. I'm very, very happy about that! Luv ya all.

And, here are some random questions and answers. You don't have to read them. I just did it for myself. But You may if You really, really want to. 

From now on, you can't tell lies, are you ready?

bring it on

When you go to the beach do you swim or lay out more?

Swim

If you were pregnant, would you keep the baby?

probably

Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

it's alright

Who was the last girl you talked to?

some girl at the museum in Sudbury

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don't talk to anymore?

yes

When was the last time you had ice cream? What kind was it?

one or two months ago, chocolate + walnut & maple syrup

Last person you went swimming with?

can not recall that

Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't?

not really

How late did you stay up last night?

around one at night

How many kids do you want?

now- none, haha, later on, time will tell, maybe 1, maybe 6, hihi

Is it easy for someone to make you smile?

depends, friends usually can do that better

What was the last drink you had?

kefir

Would you rather spend a day outside with friends or inside alone?

now, outside with friends. sometimes, inside alone.

Would you go back in time to change something?

nope

How are you feeling?

lame

True love or a billion dollars?

billion dollars, i would spend some of the cash to find the true love, and than we will have money to spend on our happily ever after

Has anything happened within the past month that has made you angry?

yes

Are you happy?

sure

What are you craving at the moment?

go to da gym, but i have to leave in an hour, so i can't really make it on time, but it's ok, i'll go tomorrow after school, meanwhile i will stick to Laima candy.

What is more important in a relationship, happiness or trust?

trust? happiness? trust? happiness? aren't they linked? trust, i suppose, cuz if there is trust than there can be happiness, with no trust there will be no happiness.

Are you in a good mood right now?

define 'good mood'..cuz i don't know

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?

haha, not that i can remember

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?

put the keys back in my bag

Name some things you would never tolerate in a relationship?

rudeness and disloyalty

Whats the best thing that happened to you today?

i woke up

What is the cutest text message you have ever gotten?

can't name any specific one, but it would probably be some x-mas msg with a criminally cute rhyme in it

Do you trust people?

very, very rarely

What's your favorite color to wear?

green

Have you cried today?

no

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?

clean water

Have you ever thought you were gonna die?

no, i don't think about my death at all

Do you love the last person who called you?

think it was some rogers person or something like that! sad, i know.

Could you date someone taller than you?

haha, yes i could and i would.

Do you sleep on your back?

i sleep on my bed.

What are you listening to?

alternative, indie, jazz and other chit too.

Next time you will kiss someone?

sure

Where do you want to go?

clubbing

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them?

no, i don't think so

Have you ever been heartbroken?

lol, i have no heart to brake, so i guess so.

How did you feel when you woke up today?

happy it was sunday

Do you cry easily?

depends on the subject matter, sometimes i'm too sensitive, other times i'm a heartless monster

Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

yes

When was the last time you watched a horror movie?

~two weeks ago

Do you have any drugs in your room?

nope, never had any

Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your bf/gf?

if she slept with my bf how can she be classified as my BF?

Think of the person who has hurt you the most in the past year, who is it?

can't tell ya, i'm not a teller, i'm a keeper.

Do you love it when you say something the same time as someone?

love? no way. but it can be sorta cool.

What were you doing at 7:00 am?

sleeping

Ever receive a really long apology?

too long

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?

yes

When is your birthday?

september

Are you a forgiving person?

yeah

Are you wearing makeup?

not right now

Anywhere you'd rather be right now?

far, far away. the woods of argentina, india, the moon, anything, as long as it is far away.

Does your phone ring in the middle of the night often?

there have been some crazy weeks, but not most of the time

Does the last person you held hands with mean anything to you?

no

Is anything bugging you right now?

a lot of things are bugging me all da time

What woke you up this morning?

the human instinct

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

if i really had to..

Do you have alcohol in your house?

yes

Do you miss being little and careless?

yeah, especially the carelessness.

Are you very sensitive?

i suppose

How many times did you go see the Twilight movie?

once, oh no, twice, i watched it the second time right before watching new moon

Where did you meet the last person you were in a car with?

don't know how you would categorize meeting your family.

Do you listen to music everyday?

not every day

Do you have any energy drink or soda cans laying around?

no

What color are your nails usually painted?

redish, pinkish, or the no colour one

What is your favorite number?

why would i have one?

Do you know your family members' birthdays?

yeah, but knowing is never enough

Do you have any tests or exams soon?

probably a test sometime soon

Coffee: Love it or hate it?

neither, i simply don't do coffee, it gives no effect

Are you going to go to bed, take a shower, or look for another survey when this over?

i will have to leave shortly, so none of the above.

What color hair elastic did you last use?

a round one. :D

How was your sleep?

alright

Last thing you did to someones hair?

just played with it, lol

Did anyone say they loved you today?

no

Are you more comfortable waiting or making something happen?

depends on how i feel

Have you ever kissed in the snow?

yeah

Are you good at standing up for yourself?

think so

Do you like being there for people?

love it

Do you often feel like you're becoming someone you don't want to be?

yeahh

Do you think you’ve made a difference in anyone’s life?

i think so

Are you starting to realize anything?

yes, too much

Ever lay under the stars with someone that you love?

sorta

Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person?

yeah

When did you last weigh yourself?

in the morning

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?

yes

Is there someone you really can't stop thinking about?

used to be

What’s the worst feeling in the world?

that you've got nowhere to go for support in a critical moment

Do you feel like there's something missing in your life?

sorta

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word, drama?

my drama class.

Do you think relationships are hard?

not sure

Does it bother you when someone lies to you?

i simply hate it

Are you open about your feelings or closed off?

closed off

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?

naa

What are you doing right now?

getting ready to leave, and this

Who were you last talking to on Facebook chat?

offline always

What's your favorite colour?

green

What Are you doing tomorrow?

school-home-gym-home-sleep

Are you in love?

no

Have you ever taken a picture of your eye?

once or twice

Do you actually have a favorite flower?

no

Can you change a printer cartridge?

yes

Do you have sensitive skin?

yes

Do you recognize Justin Timberlake’s songs?

yeah

When did you last have a cookie?

today, i think

Are you lactose intolerant?

no

Are you a sarcastic person?

haha, not at all.

lol, yes i am.

Who were you in middle school?

i was her

Esmu kolosāli satriekta par to kā izrīkojies ir mans teātra skolotājs. Nepietiek ar to vien, ka viņš mani pirmajā grupu darbā ievietoja grupā ar cilvēkiem kuriem iepriekš nekad mūžā nebiju runājusi. Tagad viņš mani salika kopā ar augstprātīgāko būtni pasaulē. Nu bļins. Goda vārds. Es mierinu sevi, pēc nedēļas viss būs cauri!

Rakstīšu šodien par smaržām, jo prātā tas vien virmo. Rakstīšanas klasē tagad mācāmies par memuāriem un to rakstīšanu. Nodaļas galā mums būs jāraksta savs izcilais memuārus, bet līdz tam mēs rakstām par smaržām, smakām un visu citu, kas spēj iekāpt nāsīs (nē, to nu gan es muldu). Viss šis pasākums dzen atmiņas kā nelabu dūšu, kāpj un kāpj. Kas zin cik tālu spēj uzkāpt? Man nepatīk atcerēties to kas bijis, man nepatīk atminēties bērnību. Lielākā daļa bērnības smakas man atgādina Straupi, kas man atgādina vecotēti, kurš nomira astotā gada decembrī. Vēl joprojām esmu liekulīga un nespēju tā pilnībā to pārdzīvot. Bet tā ir ar mani, es nekad neko līdz galam nepārdzīvoju, vienmēr kaut kas paliek sēžam, kāda rūgta lāse tup. Tāpēc jau paliek grūtāk. Un kurš gan var pilnībā palaist vaļā, lai mūk? Un varbūt, ka tomēr ir labāk paglabāt tos mīļos, nav jau tā, ka es tikai nelāgo glabāju. Pamatā jau mostas veci smaidi, tā kā viss jau ir labi.

"Valentine's Day", the movie

Aside form my extra busy schedule in school and everywhere else in life i managed to go to a movie. Not on a date, but with my friends. It was fairly pleasant since i don't get to see these people in everyday life. The movie was Valentine's Day. A cheesy, no, no, very cheesy movie. The plot was pretty empty and had a very weak theme/message. Pretty much none at all. The little things that got mentioned included the ideas that one must love not only the good things, but also the bad (not so good) things about their loved one. It also touched the idea that marrying a friend is a terrific plan. This is where they did not think it through. I disagree with this almost one hundred per cent. Why would anyone ruin the one thing they have for sure? I feel that that is wrong. One of my friends recently told me that he likes me, as in "has feelings" to me. I can only assure to you that that is not right.

Also, wanted to say a word about the Olympic games. It really (and i mean REALLY) pisses me off that Canadians think that they are THE BEST! They spend money on commercials such as (uh, personal "favourite"), a number of Canadian hockey players state that they are here for gold and that they will be disappointed if they do not get the first place. First, who the hell pays for that?? Second, guys, don't get your hopes too high up there, the world will have a nice laugh at you once you lose.

Promise(?)

Why do some people promise, but never keep what they have said?

My mind is blank, and so is my life. I don't know where i am heading, but i know for sure that where ever i end up it will not be the place where i want to be.

At this point my life is pretty much screwed up more then You (or me myself) can imagine, comprehend... Impossible. And even though i have come to some kind of epiphany, it is too late.
About two weeks too late.

It was painful, i cried. I hadn't done that miserable thing for too long, so the strangeness of this activity made more pain (and disappointment). I felt pathetic, more then other days. I was a step away from begging, but i just didn't have the power. So now i have nothing, just the impossible dream that i will never have to face any of this again. (Though i know that the whole things still needs to be done.)
I just don't have the strength.

And it is not only school.

As i mentioned already at the beginning, he PROMISED that he would call, but didn't. It is the second time. I don't have the nerves to think about him any longer.

And the other fella. Oh, thats a funnier story, he "threw the ball in my court", it was with me for two nights and when i finally decided to call him and give it another shot. He didn't pick up. So he got the "ball" right back. Bastard. Why did he ask me to think about it and then not answer the phone?

I hope neither of them will try to contact me. No more. I need something that has more potential since i have none. I need to feed off of someone. Like a carnivore on a fresh capture.

Meanwhile i shall shrink to the size of an unlucky, sad, miserable being that can hardly remember to breath.

The Truth

Actually I wanted to talk about:

• School & Exams
• Ottawa Green Bin! (yeeeey)
• Friends
• Facebook
• Universities
• Life
• The bus ride to school today
• How much life sucks
• How hard life is
• Sleep
  
• Movies
• Shakespeare
  
• and other stuff ...

Ohh well, some other time, when the exams are over, until then You will probably read some crap like in the previous post or no crap at all..

some more!

we should play some more poker and then share some chips. Later, i will say no to more chips. not because my hands r gonna be unable to hold.. but because u will want no more! ;p

have a good day!



exams: Biology, Physics, Math


oh, n someone got a nice ThanK YoU card today!
~ur welocme! ;)

i am moving

im not moving. not away from rideau street*. But im moving away from this blog!
..talkin psychology now- i changed the name n language of the blog not because i didnt like it the way it was, but because i was hopin that it would reduce the desire to make a new blog. I want a new blog. Almost like a new start. gues it is because school is almost over. And through out this year i have changed so much! more then i can even imagine!! (more then anyone can)
This year was terrible in some ways, but great and eye opening even more! All i wish right now is that i could start this year (meaning school year) from the beginnig with all the knowledge i have now. ..but i guess that is what ppl call expirience and learning. eh?
So. This is probably not the last post here. Not yet.. but it is coming.. soon you will hear from me no more!
wish me luck for the exams.

p.s. I did great in my last drama presentation yesterday! My partner and I worked well on the dialogue and we presented it even better then in any rehersals. I think that made a nice conclusion to drama this year!! (cuz, as i said before, this year WAS terrible, even in drama for some assignments)..

pps. had a nice walk/ride home, but you will not know what i mean.. ;)

*rideau street- some random street in this city
(i would write mine, but i don't think i should!)

it is not that simple

yesterday morning i skipped my jog, but i did go running this morning. So i said to my self that it is ok. (n i really didn't care if it was true or not, makes no difference)

Here are just some points from yesterday:

1. My math teacher knows that i can do better, n he hopes that i will, just for the exam. I just have to study. n try. n believe i can!

2. (this one is actually from Tuesday..) Our Bio teacher actually cares about us and what we plan to do after school!

3. GGG was an amazing experience! And im saying it cuz i believe it, yesterday i felt the same feeling that i felt in ecuador! Luv it!

4.I will try harder, i just don't know when... :|


Sorry for being so.. so... booring.. i just want school to be over!!

..and

• he introduced me to his new girlfriend.
• one of my best friends is moving to an other school

have a nice day! *