Hello dragonfly, what time is it?

My thoughts have been wandering places again, and it has led me here. I've missed you, my dear dragonfly. Lately, I've been thinking about time again. How it's fluid and solid depending on what is next saved in your google calendar. I've taken out the trash, Wednesday is long gone. I've input the October appointments. It's all so bleak. Why is time always strategically trying to screw us? What did we do to it to deserve such betrayal? It remains silent to my endless sea of questions; it just keeps ticking forward and never back. 

I want to scribble my thoughts, so I have some snapshots of today's memories. I don't want them to just disappear into the nothingness that we call life. Today is my day off. These last couple of days the weather has been miserable. We had more than a fair share of summer this year, I must be honest about that. The sun was spoiling us, or was it global warming? Who knows anyway(?). I don't like to get up to too much on days off, I don't like to disappoint myself. We had a lovely date night yesterday though, yes, despite the weather being absolute shit. Any time spent together feels way better than a boatload of sun anyway. The feeling cannot be written down, it can not be expressed, not even drawn. It's beautiful at its core, heart-warming shells around it, and draped in wholesome happiness... Something like that, but waaaaay better. I can honestly say that I love that man more and more each day. 

Work has been alright, dare I say it, it's actually been good. It has its challenges, and not-so-great-days, but I don't feel as bad before going to work. I don't know what it is. I bet it's all in the head, I can't let my thoughts run wild without a leash. They go to bad places. I get shit days too, when everything seems to be failing and falling into the wrong places, and just when you think that things cannot possibly go worse, life throughs a brick straight to the face. These days happen, and I think getting through them is what has created this feeling that it's better now. Is it better now, or is it just an illusion? 

I miss people, I miss family and friends in Latvia, and it honestly breaks my heart. It sucks, sucks a fuckton. 

Right, time to put the leash back onto these thoughts and wonder other corridors of this head of mine. 

Come, take my hand and let's go for a walk in this wonderful rainfall, the flooded streets, the sun teasing avenues.

 

To Build

I've realized one thing, and I know it's true. While I thought that my life was empty in Glasgow, it was the exact opposite. I had a real world, I had a life. I built so much and never realized it. I wanted more, and didn't even know what. I wanted something, while I had so much. I built a real life and then I simply left it all behind with no regrets, no nothing; I stood up and left to never look back. But here I am now realizing that I had more than I knew. How do I see it now? Because here I am on a blank page, and I'm realizing that I have to build everything anew, EVERYTHING! New job, new memories, new friends, new school, new relationships, new ideas, new ideals, new hobbies...... NEW FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!! When I think of all the time and effort I put into my previous life, I come to think if i will even have the strength to make it all happen. The environment here is very hostile, I thought I was coming home, but it doesn't feel like it. I have zero sense of belonging, I feel like in the wrong place... I feel like I'm just passing by, that this is not what I left everything behind for. This just can't be it. I'm paralysed, confused, out-of-space, I'm just not here; mentally I'm else where and I don't know where. I don't know where I belong, or even if there is a place where I belong.

A Week Ago

It's been a week since I moved. And just about yesterday I realized that I've lived in four places in the last 12 moths. How crazy is that? It's a rhetorical question, no need to answer. It seems like all I've been doing is looking for a new room to rent.
Anywho, I really hope that this place will be satisfying enough to not have to move again any times soon. At least not while I'm in this city.
I moved to a place where I was least likely to move to. A flat on the other end of the city, meaning I have to take public transportation in the morning to get to work. (I am a person who can not stand crowded buses!!!) Before I used to walk almost everywhere, but now I have a bus pass, so I choose to take the bus even if for a short distance.
Second is that I live with one person, a guy, from a different ethnic background. While originally I was looking to live with more than one person, since I've always believed it is more fun to live with more people. While I don't necessarily like people with me all the time, i like knowing that there is someone in the house. And well, I chose a flat that is not very cheap, the rational part of me would have gone with a not-so-good flat with cheaper rent.
So I contradicted myself in every way, chose something that I was least likely to choose. This surprised not only me, but people around me as well.

Last Saturday I was out with some friends, and got home at around 3 am. I had to be in work on Sunday, so I went straight to bed to get at least a little sleep. At 7 am there were police officers banging at the door (welcome to the neighbourhood), they had received a call from my flatmates cell phone, and they had come here to check if everything was ok. However, my flatmate wasn't home, so it was quite frustrating. The police, and I called him several times, but he refused to share his location. It was so confusing!!!
But in the end everything turned out well, and I even made it on time to work.
On Monday was poker night, but Bar 10 was closed and no one had been informed that it will be shut for the night. So we all just went to a casino to play poker there, but i had little luck and lost soon. Played some Blackjack, that turned out to be fun, since I got some money out of it! :P
Rest of the week went by pretty well. Work is like usual, just getting to it is a hassle, ..no it's not a hassle, but ugh, i just dislike going to work by bus. When it's time to get home, it literally takes ages. OK, NO it does not, but it takes long. I don't like this. But I'll get used to it.
On Thursday I bought pizza. Had watermelon for dessert. And topped the evening with loads of Youtube videos (enjoyed the unlimited wi-fi).
Friday I went out with two gals. The club was alright, but one of the girls got sick soon, and started disappearing on us. So we found her and had to call it a night a bit earlier than expected. By the time I got home I too got a bit sick. Probably because too much drinks had been mixed (wine, champagne, gin, apple sourz....). And today I had a bad hangover, I don't usually get that.. It was not a pleasant morning. Spent rest of the day watching Big Bang Theory and Bones.
My life really seems empty at the moment, maybe I need a new hobby, or just pick up an old one...?

Moving...AGAIN!

Yeah, the title doesn't lie, I will be moving, yet again(!!!) this weekend. I don't have a plan as to how I'm going to move my things. I'll probably end up taking a taxi; the big one, since I have quite a few things to move. Whats even more bazaar is that I will now be living at the almost opposite end of the city. I'll be roughly the same distance away from city center. But now I will have to take the bus every morning to work. Now that's something that will be hard to get used to!

Anywho, it has been an elaborate, exhausting process to find a new place, ie. a new room to rent.
Things will be different, and I doubt they will be better. Yeah, my hopes are not high up. I mean until now, the last two-three moths have been more or less great. No, that's a lie, they have not been great. But it was good, in a really odd way it's been a good few weeks.
Besides living five minute walk away from work has definitely bee a luxury.

Money Matters

It's almost 2013. Who would've knew that the year will go by so fast? The year really did go by fast, but when you come to think about it, many, many things have happened since the beginning of the year.
I was going to do a later sum-up-the-year post, but I have a feeling that this one will turn out into one.

In the long run it has turned out to be a travel year. January was the start of this journey, I went to Paris. In a way it had always been a dream city for me. Not entirely, but it was definitely one on my checklist. How could it not be, right? Then I also visited Scotland's capital, Edinburgh. Compared to Glasgow, it is much, much cleaner and more beautiful. February was a long month as well. I got my dad a lovely camera for birthday, then I went home to visit for a week. Also, in February before going to Latvia, I moved in with different people. Lovely people, and I come to thinking that the time I spent living with them has been by far the best time in Scotland. Living with Inga was great! I mean, I had a good friend for all that time.
Then March finally came and I went BUNGEE jumping. Now that was amazing. It was something I had always wanted to try, and was so very glad I finally did it. It was better than I had though it would be.
April went by quietly, did not do much, I suppose some small things added up.
In May I went to Northern Ireland. Before that my mom visited me on her way to Canada.
In June I bought my unicycle, and that is why it is called June. :D In July I got a new bicycle since my previous one got destroyed at the beginning of June.
In August I went about to see some other cities in Scotland, I visited Stirling and I visited Aberdeen. In September right after my birthday I went to Ireland, Dublin. After that I had a party for my birthday, it was fun. In October I went to London, and met my brother there, and we had a couple great days in the big city. November was the next best thing after Paris, I visited Iceland. An country with fascinating scenery. Then I went home again for a week to visit my family.
And it is December now already. Shall see what will happen before it ends.

There it is, my year in a few sentences.
Now I really gotta run. :D

Go Up

Everyone is vulnerable, weak, pathetic. We take what is given to us, and very few of us aim, strive for more. We are selfish and naive. There is no person that is a saint.

But when you get too used to all the crap that people send your way, you get tried of turning the other cheek. You simply have no more soul left to punish. You become empty. All the scars are as deep as they can be. So every hurtful thing is like yet another raindrop in an ocean. It gets old. It gets to be the reality.

I am so weak that I can not be wounded any more.
As they say, you have to hit rock bottom to go up, and I've experienced this so much since here in Scotland, that I have to go up now, because there is no other way.

We Were The Best

I don't know why someone would choose to end what we had. We were great friends, and if we all were to meet again, great stories would be born, just like in the olden days. Life changes so quickly, people come and go. While you could not care less for others, some you wish you could keep. Some are awesome, like a rare pokemon card that you simply can not exchange or loose, it is priceless. It brings tears in my eyes to think that some things will never be the way they were. Makes me wonder why? Why is it that some people come in our lives and leave such a footprint that you cannot erase it. Not that I would ever want to erase them, no, but it's also painful to think of how great times were, and now the good things are gone.. And not-so-good things come in place. Eh, friends, such a simple, but complex system. :)

Did You See My Sexy Socks?

My brain is empty. I was going to talk about some boring things that are new at work. But then I realized how empty that would be. I wrote the fist sentence (We got work shoes recently.) And it hit me, how boring my thoughts have become. Ugh. Depressing.

All that aside. This month (as my one-a-month-thing) I will be visiting some cities in Scotland. So every Saturday, at the lest, I will be out of Glasgow seeing something new and exciting. This week I will be going to Stirling. It is a nearby city, closer than Edinburgh. I hear they have a lovely castle there (like most places in Scotland :D), so I shall have a look at it. Plus there must be some other nice things to see.

Life has it's ups and downs. I was biking home Monday night (with my new bike) and thinking about my life and where I am at the moment. I felt sad and depressed. I felt like a loser. For the first time in a long time I felt like crying. It hadn't even occurred to me that I have been quite happy recently. I don't even know why, life sucks. But all in one I actually feel a lot lighter than ever before. Maybe I finally see hope, somehow, somewhere. Maybe I believe in myself. Maybe I believe that I have an actual plan. But do I? Is it all just an illusion, again? Hard to tell.

You Dreamt My Dream

When all you've ever lived through seems like a dream it is almost impossible to breath. It is impossible to live the way you lived before. You realize that what you have now is your life and you can not simply live on the past. Yes, what you have lived through has created the person that you are today. However, you need to live for this very moment. It will later be a brick in your life. All the people you meet will mean little, since you might barely remember their names. But the thing is that they all have contributed to the creation that You are now. I am not sure as to what I am trying to say right now. OK, scratch that, I know what I am trying to say, I just don't want to admit it. .. Here it goes, I live too much in the past, and not so much in the present. Further more, I do not live in (or for) the future. I love new experiences, but I am weak and I can not let go of my past. It is gone, and I have let it go, but too often I just wish things were the same as they were back "then". When, I wonder, ... I don't know, sometimes I just wish things were different from what they are now. Sometimes I just wish that life was simple. But it never is, and never will be. I know it, but deep down I just wish for the easy road to be my road. Gosh this is so confusing. All because I don't want things to be the same.

I like change, but as some level I'm too scared of it.

Life, eh?

Estimated Damage

Friday night I went to a friend's place. He was celebrating that her flat mate (also ex-girlfriend) had moved out. We ended up having a few drinks and playing table games (yeah, actual table games). most of us were up almost the entire night. Anyway, I stayed the night there, and then during the day I had finally gotten home. I was so tired that I locked up my bike downstairs, as I had done some times before. Sunday morning I had a bad gut-feeling. The moment I woke up I went straight to the window to peek at my bike. And then I was that the back wheel was up, and somehow shoved into the bushes. Then I decided that I should leave timely for work, just in case I'll have to walk. And right I was, the seat had been taken off the bike.

Once I got home from work I took the bike upstairs. I had also gotten the seat back, Kaspars saw that it was outside in the grass. Well, here is the full list of what the hooligans have done:

• Pulled of the seat 
• Took apart the brakes 
• Turned around the light reflector 
• Changed the speeds around 
• Kicked about the wheels 
• Punctured the tires 
• Destroyed the lock

I got this bike for 30 pounds. Don't know if I should sell this one, give it away, or try to fix it, or just get a new one.

AND, YES, I do blame myself for leaving the bike outside. However, I am raging that people would just destroy someone else's property just for the sake of it. I secretly wish someone had rather stolen it. Because then there would at least be some use of it.

Life is life. Blah.

Work

Rant. Now I will be ranting about my work. I am so fed up, I don't even know where to begin. Ok, I do know where to begin. Polish. The Polish at my work are a nightmare. For starters they work really slow, are unproductive. They chit-chat more than they actually work. Then the most annoying thing is that they've been living in an English-speaking country for so many years, but none of them can actually form even a simple sentence!!! How am I supposed to work with people who have absolutely zero knowledge of the English language? One of the supervisors in Polish as well. I do not know how long she has been living in Scotland, but she works at this place for more than five years (i know, wtf? right!), and she still hasn't learned simple grammar rules. Every sentence she says is wrong. To make it even better she sings along to the songs on the radio. She sings what she thinks are the right things, which is obviously wrong as hell. Oh god. To continue on the subject of Polish people, there is this fella at work who has a girlfriend (who also happens to work at the same place), but he keeps flirting with me every day. This is so annoying when i don't even find the lad attractive. Ugh.
Also at work there are the two guys that i used to live with, and they can get really annoying and stupid as well. Gosh.
Then there is the management. One of our managers almost never showers, and always stinks terribly. It's pure disgusting. The same man also gets some "excellent" ideas on a daily bases. The problem being that his ideas make our work harder. The other manager has absolutely no respect for other employees. He jokes a lot, that's not bad, of course, but often he crosses the line between funny and offensive.
Gosh I could go on and on about all the things I really dislike at my job. And to make things even better my last salary was missing the wage of a few hours. I went to the higher instances, and told them that I hope this will not happen again. HAhA. They said they would add those few pounds on my next wage slip. Ugh.


P.S. No more slogans.

I Make it Happen

I made it to Paris. I had a good weekend in Edinburgh. And I WILL be moving before the end of next month. SO i'm kind of a winner here. :P

Move

I want to move. It's more like I have to move. The only queation is: To Where?

Now, i'm no fool, and nor do I take you for a fool; there are several options:

Option one, of course, is to not move, i.e. stay in the same flat where I live right now.

Option two is to stay in Glasgow, but to move in with different people and somewhere closer to city center.

Option three is to move elsewhere in Scotland. Maybe more to the East, not quite as far as Edinburgh, but that direction.

Option four is to move down to England.

Option five - move to a new country. If I do choose this option, then I'd probably choose Spain.

Option six is that I move back to Latvia.

Option seven does not exist, yet...

Now, if I am to move, it will not happen in the next few days...not this year that is.

So there, I said it. One more post where I'm legitly telling the truth. Love me.

Gone for Good

Is it possible to change everything? Just for the night i'd want to be with you, there in your arms. We could pretend that there is no sky. We'd switch off the gravity. We'd fall in love like Romeo and Juliet. We could turn all the clocks sideways so they'd get confused. And so we'd gain more of the precious time. How about we forget the past for a second. What's gone is gone for good; i'd never want that back. But truth be truth: i miss you. No, i simply miss you when you were at your best.
Remember how we danced in the rain. Do you remember how nor the time nor the place mattered, as long as we had each other, we were good for the day. Do you remember talking to strangers like they were our pals. Do you know why it was so? We really were strangers to each other. I loved jumping into other cultures with you, it was great to experience all that with someone who was more than a friend. Do you remember how i refused to hold your hand. It must have pissed you off. My temperament is too hot for you, you couldn't handle me.

Do you remember turning off the lights?

Does any of that ring bells?

How about walking home together and singing odd songs that we both knew by heart. Do you remember how we yelled at each other at the bus stop? Do you even remember what we were fighting for?
I don't..

Do you remember holding my hand while others weren't watching? We got caught, you weren't careful enough. But i know why, i really do. I recall you telling me things that you said no other soul knows. I know you opened up. And even though there was nothing there..not even a second worth remembering, i'd like to spend this one timeless second with you.

You see, we used to dance to sweet music. We always kissed like stars were upon our heads. We lied to each other several times... And once you even said that you loved me.

Today I Saw a Man Cry

I was waiting for the bus at a busy bus stop. Don't even ask me where I was, I honestly don't have a clue. Anyway, I had to get home, and I was going to take the bus. As I was walking back and forth a few steps I was examining the other people waiting for their ride. Just to mention a few; there was a black woman holding a small child. She was wearing worn-out clothes, and you could see that the child was cold. Good that the sun was shining, so the wee girl could catch some warmth from it. Of course her mother's (I'm guessing) body heat was keeping her warm as well. There was this girl who was standing near the street, as if desperate to get on the first bus coming. She was wearing a blue jacket and a matching scarf. Her ears were plugged with cheap, white earphones. Finally, a man was sitting on the bench at the bus stop. He was old, maybe around 60. I happened to catch his eye as he was looking back for an unknown reason. That's when I noticed the tears. There were three tears tattooed right below his right eye.

Smerdeļi

Es dzīvoju ar smerdeļiem! 

  Edit: As you know it's NaBloPoMo, and I was about to write the post of that day when two of my flatmates decided to distract me and not let me do anything. They really piss me off all the time. It was fun at first but now it's plain annoying.

Zubabibubaibe 2

Labs ir, centīšos šoreiz nedaudz garāk pastāstīt kā man iet. Saule pārāk agri riet. Katru dienu paliek neievilkti elpas vilcieni. Laiks skrien, nezin kur stāties. Dzīvi padara raibāku jaunā alerģija. Man ir alerģija pret vēsturi, pret pagātni, pret to, kas kādreiz ir bijis. Nepalīdz lētās tabletes, ko darīt? Es nezinu. Nenāk miegs vēlās nakts stundās. Nenāk miegs vispār. Dzīvojos pa pilsētu cauru nakti, mājās pārnāku agros rītos. Tad ārdu māju, dziedu līdzi bezgaumīgajām dziesmām, kas nebeidz skanēt caur vecā rādžiņa tumbām. Skaņas kvalitātei gan nav ne vainas. Izsīkušiem spēkiem dodos uz darbu. Tur spēku nemaz nevajag, vismaz ne fizisko. Emocionāli ir grūti. Ir rutīna. Rutīna ir ķēms. Rutīna ir mans vienīgais ienaidnieks. Kad neizgulējies, tad nav nemaz tik grūti, jo smadzenes ieslēdzas autopilotā; viss jau iepriekš ir darīts, vairākas reizes. Lieki sacīt, ka vīrieši padara dzīvi vēl neciešamāku. Viņi domā, ka var darīt kā grib. Viņi domā, ka es neesmu riebīga, gaida nez ko. Tas tak man uz pieres rakstīts, ka klāt labāk nenākt. Viņi neklausa. Tad lūdz, lai palīdzu, bet paši nekad neko. Vēl viņi tēlo, ka zin, kas ir sarkasms. Viņi konstanti nodarbojas ar fikcijas veidošanu. Un viņi uzskata, ka zagt auskarus ir stilīgi. Citi vēl apsaukā mani par mīļo un dārgo. Grēcinieki tādi. Neveicas ne kārtīs, ne mīlestībā. Neveicas vispār nekur. Neveicas. Punkts. Un jā, es atkal skaļi klusēju, tikai šoreiz citā frekvencē. Neesi aita, ej gulēt taču.

Poker

Quick update

Latvian poker: The new season started last Sunday. I placed second.


Monday poker (Nuts League): Was the final game of the season, so last chance to place in the finals. On Monday I placed eighth. In the final list I'm right above the line, so I qualify to play in the final. Yeey! :))

Astoņpadsmitais. Divdesmit.

Šodien man palika apaļi 20 gadi. Tas nav daudz, bet man vairāk nekad nav bijis. Līdz ar to, man tas ir daudz. Šodien bij jāiet uz darbu. Pusdien laikā pacienāju visus ar saldumiem. Dienas beigās kolēģi iedeva kartiņu un nodziedāja 'happy birthday' dziesmiņu. :)

Pēc darba iegāju veikalā un nopirku konfekšu kārbu, ko pacienāt puikas. Nopirku arī kaut kādu kūku.

Biju izdomājusi uzsaukt picu, sev un puikām. Bet spītīgais Mikus teica, ka picu negribot. Vispār viņam izdevās sačakarēt dienu biči. Un ne Kristaps, ne Mikus nepadarīja šo dienu foršāku, gluži pretēji. Bet man jau vienalga, dots devējam atdod. Vismaz nebūs jādomā nekāds pārsteigums, kad viņiem nākammēnes būs dzimšanas diena (abiem vienā datumā!). Tad nu pasūtīju vienu picu sev un vienu Kristapam. Šie skatījās filmas, un es ar viņiem; vakars izvērsās ļoti garlaicīgs. Kūkas kaste palika neatvēra. Nebiju jau plānojusi, ka būs turēšana, bet vismaz tik daudz kā 'daudz laimes dzimšanas dienā' jau varēja pateikt, ne?

Rīt gan pēc darba pokers, un pēc pokera dzimšanas dienas atzīmēšana tā pa riktīgam. :))

Bet tagad dodos laicīgi gulēt, saldu dusu.

"Negribi būt Mika džeks?"

Tātad, piektdien, kā jau ierasts biju darbā. Visu dienu jūtos kā lapsa kurai būtu pārbraucis pāri traktors. Nē, divi traktori. Īsāk sakot jūtos nelāgi. Sāpēja puncis, un vakar pusē arī galva ievaidējās. Bet par spīti tam aizbraucu kopā ar pāris kolēģiem, šie parādīja vietu kur skaista ainava. Skotijas dabai nudien nav ne vainas. :)) Vakarā gan es laicīgi devos gulēt, bet aizmigt nevarēju līdz apmēram vieniem naktī.

Sestdien sivēns Mikus uzmodināja, kad pārnāca no darba, pulkstens bija pus astoņi. Dienas laikā vēl pagulēt tā arī nesanāca. No rīta cepu pankūkas, protams. Pēcpusdienā noskatījos vienu komēdiju. Vakarā biju līdz centram aizkūlusies. Sākumā bijām krogā kur spēlē dzīvo mūziku un raun vaļā dančus. Vēlāk devāmies uz citu bāru, tur ilgi nesēdējām. Pēc tā devāmies uz klubiņu. :) Vakars bija izdevies ar visu nedzeršanu. Mājās devos kājām, kā jau ierasts. Pārnācu pus četros. Šorīt atkal bij agri jāceļas, lai dotos uz darbu. Līdz ar to tagad esmu pārgurusi.

Plānoju dikti laicīgi doties gulēt.

Āāā, un šodien darbā viens no sivēniem man izklāstīja, ka es Mikum baigi patīkot, un, ka mums vajadzētu būt kopā. Ja jāteic atklāti, man tā viņu ņemšanas jau tiešām līdz kaklam. Šitā turpināt es neļaušu. :P