Step One

News Flash: 2014 is going to be packed with change, because that is the only way I know how to live, how to survive. But with all that there come new challenges, different kind of challenges, some bigger, some smaller, some significant, some less important. Either way 2014. is going to be a new year and I want to make it a good one. Bite me. There will be hate, there will be tears, but I can handle it.

I'm Tired

I'm tired of feeling this way, so it shall come to an end. I will no longer care. I'm tired of making same mistakes over and over again. I'm tired of being wrong when I knew the right answer, but never was brave enough to say it out loud. I don't want to just get by. I want to live. And I want to risk even more, I want to dare even more, I want to do more. I want to surprise people. No. I don't care about that, not really. I want to surprise myself. I want to do things that I never even thought of. I want to set my expectations at a reasonable height, so it's not too easy, and so it's not too high, and I don't give up without even trying.

I want to prove myself wrong, I want to crash my own ideas, and create a whole new way of thinking. I want to change my mind. I'm tired, bored of myself. The unpredictability has become predictable.

I don't like your face. Go away!

To Build

I've realized one thing, and I know it's true. While I thought that my life was empty in Glasgow, it was the exact opposite. I had a real world, I had a life. I built so much and never realized it. I wanted more, and didn't even know what. I wanted something, while I had so much. I built a real life and then I simply left it all behind with no regrets, no nothing; I stood up and left to never look back. But here I am now realizing that I had more than I knew. How do I see it now? Because here I am on a blank page, and I'm realizing that I have to build everything anew, EVERYTHING! New job, new memories, new friends, new school, new relationships, new ideas, new ideals, new hobbies...... NEW FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!! When I think of all the time and effort I put into my previous life, I come to think if i will even have the strength to make it all happen. The environment here is very hostile, I thought I was coming home, but it doesn't feel like it. I have zero sense of belonging, I feel like in the wrong place... I feel like I'm just passing by, that this is not what I left everything behind for. This just can't be it. I'm paralysed, confused, out-of-space, I'm just not here; mentally I'm else where and I don't know where. I don't know where I belong, or even if there is a place where I belong.