Es negribu visā uzreiz atzīties.

Bet man regulāri sāp galva un domās plosās nemierīgs vējš. Man bieži ir bail un gribas paslēpties, tā, lai neviens mani neredz un nekad neatrod. Es raugos cauri netīriem stikliem kā uz manas mātes zemes netiklās miesas sniegpārslas krīt. Tas ir tik maigas kā maza bērna pieskāriens. Man acīs uzplaukst asaras, te skumjas mīt. Bet kaut kur dziļi, dziļi sirdī ir tāds prieks, tāds prieks, ka nesaprotu, kā dienas nepaiet vienos priekos.
Jā, tas tiesa, ka sevi izprast - neizprotu. Ir reizes, kad pati slīgstu savās izplūdušajās domās. Tad es kā maza, vāja buru laiva triecos pret tālā okeāna viļņiem. Manī mīt spēks, bet to pārskalo tās asaras, kas klīst pār maniem vaigiem.
Es pārāk bieži jūtos bezspēcīga. Parasti spēks man palīdz to noslēpt no citiem mirstīgajiem.

Feeling

What is a feeling? I've never really understood what it meant when someone says: "I've got feelings for you." Well, so do I, but what kind of feelings? I don't know. I can feel cold, warm, scared, tired. But what is it like to feel love for another being that is not your family? How is it possible to have any feelings towards someone? I don't get it. This is so confusing. What is love?

How is it possible to have feelings for someone you don't care about? How can you suddenly care of this one person when before there was nothing to care about? Why is this so confusing?

Now Playing: Tegan and Sara - Hello

Right now I feel so empty,

And someday won’t be ending,

Until I’ve done all that I can,

All that.

Until I’ve done all that I can.

One day, it’ll get easier,

'Cause right now,

I feel so simple,

Until I’ve done all that I can,

All that.

Until I’ve done all that I can.

And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

Oh, hello hello hello,

I’m right here.

I’m right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterdays news.

I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.

Oh, my hands hurt from holding your hands.

And I’m young but it’s hard to believe, yeah-e-ah,

That someday I will never see you again.

And you might not believe this,

But you’ve changed me so much.

But baby (baby) it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah. 

But right now I wish I was older,

And right now,

You look so simple.

Now is not my time.

No, no,

Now is not the time,

And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

I'm right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterday’s news.

I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.

Oh, my hand hurts from holding your hand.

And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,

Yeah-e-ah,

That someday I will never see you again.

And you might not believe this ,

but you’ve changed me so much.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

'Cause someday I will never see you again.

I think love doesn't simply appear out of nowhere.

There is no love at first sight.

It's probably lust, a spark, maybe, but it isn't love.

Love grows, from a small seed it grows into a tree.

It's an odd tree, it requires nurture or just good laughs. 

It's complex, every tree is so very different.

But the bigger any tree grows, the tougher it is to cut it down.

Mana devīze.

Man nav devīzes, un man nav kauna. Mana dvēsele ir sadedzināta sārtā - tā redzēja vairāk kā ļauts. Mēs nododam viens otru, un tā pat meklējam vainīgo. Mēs meklējam naudu netīros seifos. Tiek galēti nevainīgie vārguļi. Nav zināms mājupceļš no stacijas. Nav mājas. No stacijas dodamies uz nākamo ostu, uz nākamo pieturu. Nedomājam par sekām. Nevar tikt sveikā ar vienīgo alibi, jo draugs nodod draugu. Nosūtītas vairākas vēstules svešiniekiem. Tukšas vēstules, lai nav jābrīnās, ka atbildes nav.

Izgāžamies klasisko triku priekšnesumos. Braucam ar smalkiem auto. Pa dienu lasām kriminālromānus, bet naktīs klausāmies nebeidzamus mūzikas ritmus, skatāmies Hičkoka filmas, mācamies jaunu cīņas mākslu.. un dzeram līdz rītausmai.

Man nav kauna, jo to man nozaga tie, kurus kādreiz devēju par draugiem.

Gone for Good

Is it possible to change everything? Just for the night i'd want to be with you, there in your arms. We could pretend that there is no sky. We'd switch off the gravity. We'd fall in love like Romeo and Juliet. We could turn all the clocks sideways so they'd get confused. And so we'd gain more of the precious time. How about we forget the past for a second. What's gone is gone for good; i'd never want that back. But truth be truth: i miss you. No, i simply miss you when you were at your best.
Remember how we danced in the rain. Do you remember how nor the time nor the place mattered, as long as we had each other, we were good for the day. Do you remember talking to strangers like they were our pals. Do you know why it was so? We really were strangers to each other. I loved jumping into other cultures with you, it was great to experience all that with someone who was more than a friend. Do you remember how i refused to hold your hand. It must have pissed you off. My temperament is too hot for you, you couldn't handle me.

Do you remember turning off the lights?

Does any of that ring bells?

How about walking home together and singing odd songs that we both knew by heart. Do you remember how we yelled at each other at the bus stop? Do you even remember what we were fighting for?
I don't..

Do you remember holding my hand while others weren't watching? We got caught, you weren't careful enough. But i know why, i really do. I recall you telling me things that you said no other soul knows. I know you opened up. And even though there was nothing there..not even a second worth remembering, i'd like to spend this one timeless second with you.

You see, we used to dance to sweet music. We always kissed like stars were upon our heads. We lied to each other several times... And once you even said that you loved me.

Čukst

Gar vecām rindu mājām aiztek emociju vilnis. Es rakstu tev vēstuli. Domās tā jau sen ir aploksnē ar marku, apzīmogota un ceļā uz tavu Ģertrūdes ielu. Bet patiesībā tā nav. Patiesība ir nedaudz novītusi, nav papīra lapas. Rezerves pildspalvai beigusies tinte, un nepietiek naudas, lai iegādātos markas. Pavisam atklāti, arī īstie vārdi vēl nav piemeklēti. Bet te nu es esmu, rakstu tev vēstuli.

Vakar sākās aukstuma stundas. Tās vairs nebūs skaitāmas, tas vairs nebūs noslepkavots vasaras karstums. Būs parasts ziemeļu rudens, pat pārejas posms tiek izlaists. Arī brīnumi kā atvasara šai malā nenotiek.

Iedalītas ir domāšanas kārtis. Nekas nav paredzams. Ak, ko melo, paredzams ir viss, bet Antiņam bail kāpt stikla kalnā. Tur nepieciešama vīza, un jāsakrāj daudz zelta. Tomēr impulsi dzen uz vēl neesošām robežām. Tie dzen mani tālāk no tevis. Nebēdā draugs, es arī no citiem plašumiem sūtīšu tev vēstules.

Pasakas beigas.

Nu pietiek.

Tagad zvaigznes slīgs manā akvārijā, un es neļaušu ne Tev, nedz ar kādam citam tās zagt. Manas zvaigznes, mans pusmēness, viss mans. Un velns ar visiem ārzemniekiem, lai iet, lai dzen, lai bēg. Man vienalga. Uzšauj naglai pa galvu. Jā, pēdējā lode palikusi, tāpēc notēmē labi, pirms tā tiek izsperta. Vai man skaitīt, lai zini, kad šaut? Man vienalga. Šauj kaut tagad, vai arī pagaidi vēl. Jā, man vienalga. Tā pat jau izpļāpājos par daudz. Arī man beidzot vajadzētu iemācīties klusēt, kad jātur mute ciet, bet runāt, kad ir kas jēdzīgs ko teikt.

Tikai retais spētu saprast. Es meloju, neviens nesaprastu. Un kā maz zināt, kad klusēt, kad nē? Kurš gan priekšā pasacīs?

Ārā vēss, vēl agrs pavasaris. Jāuztraucas par draugiem, kas otrā pasaules malā cīnās ar neuzvaramo. Gluži vienkārši jātur īkšķi neko vairāk jau nepadarīsi. Zinātu kā, varbūt palūgtu dievam, lai stāv klāt, bet tas jau sen kādā krogā nodzēries, tā pat nekas nelīdzēs.

Jāpārgriež vadi kamēr šķēres vēl assas. Par daudz mezglu savijušies. Iesaku iegādāties bezvadu telefonu, bezvadu internetu, un bezvadu dzīvi arī. Nav ko ķēpāties ar pelēkiem vadiem.

Visu nobloķējam, lai neviens netiek klāt, un drošības labad, izdzēšam košākās ziņas, noraujam vēl neizliktos plakātus. Kad viss nobeigts, jājam prom baltā zigra sedlos. Princi atstājam grāvmalā, lai iet ar citiem krupjiem draudzēties.

Gana. Es klusēju.