One-Way Track

I've been on this trip for almost a month now. I'm sad that it will be over. This time has allowed me to think, think so far out of the box, so far from what I had been used to..
Often I think about the choices we make in life. We make them every second of every day, even in our dreams we still make choices. Then we see the outcome. We buy a new shirt, and we see that it looks good on us, and people like it. We say something controversial and someone in the crowd reassures that that is a great way of thinking. We decide to speak to a stranger, and he turns out to be a wonderful person. We take no umbrella when the weather-man said it will rain, and it turns out to be sunny all day. We decide to cross the street on a red light because we see no cars around. .. But what is the choices we make bring bad consequences? WHAT IF the shirt we got will look bad on you? What if no one back up your opinion? What if the stranger turns out to be a psychopath? What if it starts raining cats and dogs on a day when you don't take the umbrella? What if a car comes from around the corner and doesn't see you when you cross on that red signal?

Life is so trivial, so fragile, the smallest things can change who you are and what you will do. But how can you know if you make the right choices in life? By trying of course, you should always try new things, take the risk. You will either succeed or you will gain experience and some sort of perspective. You will then try again, try something different, or try a different approach. But what if it is too late? What if the choice we made is there for good, can't be undone, or altered? What if we make the wrong choice and see it when it's already too late? We go down a one way track and there is no way back.

I like to think that there is a way out - through different doors. I believe it's important to not get stuck, there is always a way out. There is always new things to try, new journeys to be made. So it comes down to DOING things, to stay out of the comfort zone, to try new things, taking risks. It comes down to changing yourself by yet another gram. One day I will not know who I was, I will be a different person. This journey has changed me a lot, it has proved to me things I never knew possible, it has showed me how possible it is to do something when you actually get up and try. It has given me hope about people and myself. Most importantly, it has risen doubts about things I always was very certain of.

They See Me Rollin'

It's a nightmare. My mind is like a roller-coaster; there are too many thoughts all in one. It's driving me crazy, literally crazy. I lack significant amounts of sleep, I lack rest, moral and physical rest. There seems to be no such thing as rest in my life. I am emotionally unavailable. I am cruel and tired. I am back in a crying mode. For all I care it's because I will be leaving again, leaving for good. And, fuck (excuse my language), but I've said so many goodbyes in my life, it's just absurd. It is so odd to see people now, people at work and other friends, and know that in a few days I will be gone, and I will probably never see them again. It's like a huge part of my everyday life is going to be torn out of me. It will be gone. I can feel tears build up several times throughout the day. I can feel falling due to lack of energy. I can feel that I am working too hard, I am ignoring my senses. I just keep moving even though I should stop for a moment and take a deep breath. I should ignore haters, cut them out of my life. Cut the cord. I should fight for friends that are worth keeping. But I am scared, I am scared that I actually deserve to be hated. I am scared that if I keep the good friends I will be hurt even more. It is just so much easier to become distant, to be cold. I am so tired of being forgotten. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd. I want to be different. I am different.

I will not change, I will keep going until I collapse. But I will rest as soon as I physically get away from here. My mind is still going to wonder about, I will always be thinking about things I did, and choices I made. But I need a new view, a new setting, somewhere where I can think thoughts that count, thoughts that make at least a little sense.

I can't let them bring me down. I am not going down. I feel like giving up, and at some points it is unbearable, but I know that it is crucial to keep going, to keep going for the things I've set for myself in the near future. I deserve to do things for a better future for myself, no one will make me believe otherwise.



P.S. I've created a new blog called Must Keep Going. On the new blog I will, hopefully, be posting things along the way. Here's the link: http://my-cycling-trip.blogspot.co.uk/

FREAK OUT

I just found out that tomorrow Katzenjammer are performing in Glasgow!! And I found it out just NOW!! I really want to go see them again (I got to see them live in April, 2011).. But first I have SO much to do, packing and shit. Plus I kind of already had plans for tomorrow. OMG this is so frustrating. Besides, it would be impossible to find someone to go with me... Gosh.. I have to try, I really, really want to go see them. I feel like an utter loser right now. Think girl, THINK!!!

Anywhore.
I'm packing since I will be moving down the street again, yet to another place. This does not seem good in any shape or form..But I don't have a choice right now.. rebghtaqrjy5k7uwtsjh
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It's the End of the World as We Know It

Every day a piece of You dies. A little, tiny piece of you suffocates, then disappears to never return again. About 50% of the time you die with it, and the idea that a part of you is gone brings you down. It keeps you back, it holds you behind and doesn't let you succeed, progress. So we end up as failures, as the injured souls, as the ones who lost the fight, when there wasn't one to begin with. It's much like a chicken - egg situation, or the nature-nurture debate. Despite what you want (or, in fact, what you need), a piece of you dies, and you are forced to accept it no matter what. If you don't, you're the loser!
The other 50% of the time it's a good thing that a part of you dies. We take it as a hint to move on, and so we do that. Often it might be something we were trying to get rid off in the first place, there fore you are satisfied and are able to move on. Either way, you must learn to leave certain things behind. In life everything changes. A wise guy once said that the only thing that is constant is change.

And so, because this is MY blog, and I WANT it to be all about ME! This is where I can be as selfish as I want and there ain't anyone who can judge me for it.. AND SO, my problem is that I'm scared to leave certain things of the past behind. I want to hold on to things as a security kind-of thing. I need my past to reassure that even when I fail miserably, I'll have my rescue boat right by my side. I'm a coward.

When I talk to You, I feel like I'm talking to a stranger. Suddenly everyone is a stranger. I'm a stranger to myself. I can't seem to put things together. I refuse to accept the reality.

I don't know how to live, I've lost it.

I exist.

Thanks for the memories

-Do you ever think?
-I think all the time.
-Really? What do you think about?
-Everything.
-If that would be true, then there wouldn't be coffee all over your table, floor, and your soul.
-What can I say, at least it's good coffee.


Moving is a pain in the ass. I'm not usedd to this place, this setting in general. Further more, as bad as I feel about it, I do not want to get used to this. Living with an other family is harder than I thought. Plus the hardest part is that I know these people, not that they are a family. That didn't come out right. Let's try again. The hardest part in moving in with a family that you know is not that they are a family, but that you know them. Who am I kidding, the family part is breaking my nerves as well. The KID! OMFG!! As much as I like their parents, and, to a certain extent, him (the child), he can be a real tourture. First of all him going to bed, for certain there will be tears and crying, i.e. your movie night - ruined. The child is a spoiled rat. From what I hear, the parent actions could be backed up with certain past events, and things that they all have gone throuh. But what is going on here is a bit TOO much. The kid gets a new toy every time anyone goes to a store. Most of the time it is something small, like a car, a new sword, etc. But for fucks sake, how is the child going to learn to live? Everytime he sheads a tear that he wants to go to the store, guess what happens? The family goes shopping. This kid, so far, has learned that to impress people you need new things. For example, a new scary mask to frighten people. Further more, as you probably imagined, it doesn't stop there. This kid has more shoes than his mother. Plus he eats dinner (or any other meal, for that matter) ONLY because he WILL get a sweet afterwards. If the kid sees a cartoon where someone is having a birthday party, the next day there is going to be a cake in the house. Thank god it's nothing specialy ordered.
Obviouusly the kid misses his gradparents and family that are back in Latvia, and he has no FrIeNdS, so parents try to compensate that by buying crazy amount of toys.

By the way, it's the classic story, the kid gets a new toy, he plays with it for a few minutes, an hour tops, and then it is forgotten.

Oh, and this kid has this thing, where he says "i don't like it" (it latvina, of course). He uses his cute voice and he tells it in a manner that makes it sound like he is in pain. When ever he says it (about 100 times a day), his parents drop everything an dgo right to him to find out what it is the kid dislikes, and then, no matter how redicilous the thing is, they try their best to defeat the obstacle. You might wonder what kind of things they are, well for instance, he might not like the toy in the happy meal that he got, or he got tired of the cartoon that he was screaming for five minutes ago..

Well, i'm done. It's my day, and I'm having the morning and afternoon only to myself. Watching old seasons of Two and a Half Men, THINKING about taking a shower, burning food and setting the fire detector off, spilling coffee everywhere, and missing important calls.

Yeah life is great!

I Make it Happen

I made it to Paris. I had a good weekend in Edinburgh. And I WILL be moving before the end of next month. SO i'm kind of a winner here. :P

When I'm Gone

I will be moving down the street, so if you come looking for me, then you'll know where to find me. 

Nu nav jau labākā kompānija.

Vēl līdz šim brīdim neesmu līdz galam izdomājusi ko darīšu vecgada vakarā. Bet tas tak būs jau rīt.

Man ir uznācis kapitāls besis. Ir brīži, kad sirsniņa sitās strauji un ir "labais papīrs," bet lielākoties pavadu laiku domājot par visādām ģēlām. Vispār esmu nogurusi. Ir fizisks un morāls nogurums. Gribas mājās.
Neh, vienkārši gribas kaut kur citur. Pēdējo pāris nedēļu laikā esmu apskatījusi vairākas potenciālas jaunas dzīves vietas te pat Glāzgovā, bet pati neesmu nemaz pārliecināta vai gribu te palikt.

Jāpadomā!


Cik gan ilgi es mocīšu sevi ar to domāšanu?

Draugs vai ienaidnieks?

Izlasīju citātu twitterī, ka tavu ienaidnieku ienaidnieki esot tavi draugi. Tas tā visai absurdi izklausās, bet tādas lietais jau bij iepriekš lasītas un dzirdētas. 'Bunga' tāda, ka man ienaidnieku nav, bet, protams, draugi gan man ir. Un tomēr, varbūt, ka nav, kas to maz var vairi saprast. Pēdējo dienu laikā esmu visai apmulsusi par pilnīgi visu. Galvā jau atkal noris nebeidzamu domu vētra. Jau atkal esmu pārtapusi par pastulbu pesimistu.

Indulis, Dzintars, Daiga, Bunģis, Gundars, Gaida..... Ko vairs maz var saprast?

Gribu kaut kur doties, tālu prom, sākt visu no gala. Man patīk būvēt jaunas domino rindas, lai tās nogāztu...tad atkal būvēt jaunas. Katru reizi citā vietā. Vispār nē, negribu visu sākt no jauna; tas jau būtu tikai turpinājums.

Tas būtu tikai turpinājums.

Galvenais nevajag pieturēties pie ierastā; bieži sanāk daudz domāt bet maz darīt. Jāmācās darīt lietas otrādi, vismaz vairāk tiek padarīts.

Edit

"I want to move. It's more like I have to move. The only queation is: To Where?

Now, i'm no fool, and nor do I take you for a fool; there are several options:

Option one, of course, is to not move, i.e. stay in the same flat where I live right now.

Option two is to stay in Glasgow, but to move in with different people and somewhere closer to city center.

Option three is to move elsewhere in Scotland. Maybe more to the East, not quite as far as Edinburgh, but that direction.

Option four is to move down to England.

Option five - move to a new country. If I do choose this option, then I'd probably choose Spain.

Option six is that I move back to Latvia.

Option seven does not exist, yet...

Now, if I am to move, it will not happen in the next few days...not this year that is.

So there, I said it. One more post where I'm legitly telling the truth. Love me."

Jā, iespēja palikt šajā dzīvoklī tiek kategoriski izslēgta, jo nevaru vairs sadzīvot ar Kristapu un Miku. Esmu nosolījusies sev, ka vēlākais līdz Februāra beigām vairs šajā dzīvoklī nedzīvošu. Puiši vienkārši vairs nav izturami!