This Song

Some weeks ago I came across this song. I think it was playing in a shop or some pub. It washed over me like a wave. I know this song! I looked it up by the lyrics I heard. I was able to find the song, however where ever I was, the connection was very poor. So I took a cheeky screen shot on my phone. And today I came across this picture as i was browsing old stuff on my phone.
It's a song from 2005 by Röyksopp, a duet from Norway. This song gives me a magical sense. It touches the memory pearls like a mother would touch her newborn child. These memories are not tangible, but they are there, I just can't really see them. But i feel them. I feel a sense of wonder, and most definitely heavy nostalgia. It doesn't weigh me down, it leaves me wondering, as if I am in a fairy-tale. All this mystery makes me love this song. It's going on repeat.

Now playing: Röyksopp - What Else Is There

Doing This and Doing That

For the first time ever, I truly can not explain my own actions. Usually everything I do made some sense on some sort of  (maybe even messed up) level. But now, now, now... it's a mayor mystery and it's beginning to bother me a lot.

Now Playing: The Doors - Riders On the Storm

It's THAT time of the year

They say it is the most wonderful time of the year, the season to be merry and jolly, time to praise the big fat man called Santa or the God and his son Jesus, which ever tickles your fancy. It is time to give and receive.


Heck with it all, this so called magical time of the year is all in your head, it's all in the shop windows, it's in the silly feeling that last year around the same time you and the society made you produce the feeling of joy. To hell with it all. And then because there has to be balance of joy in the world, the sad become even more sad, depressed and lonely. Yes you understood me correctly, all forces in the world have to add up to be even. (Hence, when the rich become richer, the poor become more poor.) So when ever you are full of happiness for a longer time you are making someone's life miserable.

This year I have very little Christmas spirit in me. It is dormant for some years now. You can blame me, or you can blame the world. But I will just embrace it. I shall use this time to do things I dare not say out loud.

Despite it all, I did enjoy a lovely Christmas eve with my dad, and got some phone calls, and messages that made the festive feeling.

This all is fiction, maybe not. Maybe you'll think about it, maybe not.
Things are as they are.. Right?

Now playing: I want a Hippopotomous for Christmas, because well, it's self-explanatory, isn't it?

I want to see the world

My problem is that I dig holes and then I fall in them. Then I try my best to get out, and once I do bring myself up I end up falling in yet another hole.
But I have this very strange feeling. I feel happy, I should not be, I should be, but no - I don't know. My head is a very confusing place. There are people in my life that make me happy, there are people in my life whom I want to make happy. There is a shy piece of joy in my life, it's not big, but it's there; not visible most of the time, but I can feel it racing in my heart at times.

I was planning to change the text that's along my profile from "The girl that said goodbye before saying hello." to "I want to see the world."

But then, maybe not yet, maybe that doesn't sum up my "profile" 100%. So I'll leave it at that, for now at least.

But either way, I have recently learned that old is not better, not always. And sometimes it is better to let go of the old for new things to come in life. So here I am, I have made up my mind, I have decided to let a part of the good old to go, I have decided to set myself free.

Now playing: Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood

Say What?

My head feels like exploding. I don't know how to turn it off! It keeps thinking and over-thinking, and thinking about over-thinking. I can't take it any more! Why can't I just do what has to be done and that's it? Why do I have to complicate my life so much?!

I want to come clean, I want to tell everyone the truth, I want to tell everyone what I'm thinking.. and what's even more absurd, I want everyone to understand. I want this burden to go away. I want to be able to sincerely smile again. I don't know what is going on in my head. I know what I want, but I am unable to go for the things I want. I've lost my motivation. I've lost any sense that I deserve anything. I am a terrible person and I truly believe that I deserve nothing good.

I don't know what's the right path to take right now.

Now playing:  Bryan Adams - Please Forgive Me

Odd. I'm happy.

Life is coming over me like a waterfall. There are so many things happening that I don't even have time to really absorb each moment. But in a good way, of course! Life is happening, and this is very much like what I wanted. When I decided to move back to Latvia, I was afraid that because of how long I'd been way, I would find myself doing nothing. So when I got back my ultimate goal was to keep busy, as busy as humanly possible, to have very little free time. And here I am - doing things all the time. I am running out of hours, I wish a day would be longer, and I wish a week would have another day.

But still. Wish all the ups come downs, and right now they all even out perfectly. The ups are more, so I'm happy. Yup, I'm happy!

I have gained confidence, a lot of it! I don't know if it comes with time, or it came after my big cycling trip. But I truly feel more like a person, like an individual.
I feel good. Bite me. c:

Now Playing: Peter Gabriel - Sledgehammer 

Fox

WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?

"Wonderful World"

This song pretty much explains how i see the world, not all of it, but some lines are spot on.

Now Playing: Nine Horses - Wonderful World

WONDERFUL WORLD

It’s a wonderful world

And you take and you give

And the sun fills the sky

In the space where you live

It’s a day full of dreams

It’s a dream of a day

And the joy that it brings

Nearly sweeps her away

It’s a wonderful world

As the buildings fall down

And you quicken your step

‘til your feet leave the ground

And you’re soaring above

All the sorrow below

And you’re falling in love

With those you don’t know

And your heart feels so wide

And your heart fills so strong

It was never a place

That you felt you belonged

It’s a wonderful world

Full of wonderful things

And the people fall down

And abandon their dreams

(I hear him, he’s talking out loud

Sometimes he whistles while walking

How could he know any better?

I weep for him, I weep for him now)

It’s a wonderful world

It’s a real crying shame

Cos she’s hurting herself

In a violent way

And there’s people she knows

That won’t even try

And they’re trapped in their lives

Feeling terrified

And it’s in times like these

That she promised to call

But the scale of our love 

Is diminished and small

It’s a wonderful world

And she doesn’t know why

She wakes up each day

And continues to cry

(He’s sleeping his troubles away

He’s finding it too hard to bear

I’m with him every step of the way

I weep for him, I weep for him now)

It’s a wonderful world

And you take and you give

And the sun fills the sky

In the space where you live

Feeling

What is a feeling? I've never really understood what it meant when someone says: "I've got feelings for you." Well, so do I, but what kind of feelings? I don't know. I can feel cold, warm, scared, tired. But what is it like to feel love for another being that is not your family? How is it possible to have any feelings towards someone? I don't get it. This is so confusing. What is love?

How is it possible to have feelings for someone you don't care about? How can you suddenly care of this one person when before there was nothing to care about? Why is this so confusing?

Now Playing: Tegan and Sara - Hello

Right now I feel so empty,

And someday won’t be ending,

Until I’ve done all that I can,

All that.

Until I’ve done all that I can.

One day, it’ll get easier,

'Cause right now,

I feel so simple,

Until I’ve done all that I can,

All that.

Until I’ve done all that I can.

And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

Oh, hello hello hello,

I’m right here.

I’m right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterdays news.

I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.

Oh, my hands hurt from holding your hands.

And I’m young but it’s hard to believe, yeah-e-ah,

That someday I will never see you again.

And you might not believe this,

But you’ve changed me so much.

But baby (baby) it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah. 

But right now I wish I was older,

And right now,

You look so simple.

Now is not my time.

No, no,

Now is not the time,

And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

I'm right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterday’s news.

I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.

Oh, my hand hurts from holding your hand.

And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,

Yeah-e-ah,

That someday I will never see you again.

And you might not believe this ,

but you’ve changed me so much.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

'Cause someday I will never see you again.

I think love doesn't simply appear out of nowhere.

There is no love at first sight.

It's probably lust, a spark, maybe, but it isn't love.

Love grows, from a small seed it grows into a tree.

It's an odd tree, it requires nurture or just good laughs. 

It's complex, every tree is so very different.

But the bigger any tree grows, the tougher it is to cut it down.

Koka Karote Azotē

Vakar nopirku koka karoti, jo accoding to Kristaps mājās nebija koka karote. Atnākot mājās es konstatēju, ka rosola bļodā ir koka karote, un ne jau tā kuru es nopirku. Man jau patīk, ka, kad Kristapam kaut ko vajag tas pekšņi ir, bet, kad man vajag, tad nekad nekas nav. Es nevaru ciest, ka cilvēki pret citiem izturās kā pret sūda gabaliem un sevi vērtē augstāk par jebko citu.

Tagad mājas ir koka karote. Ir divas.

Bet es te tā pat drīz vairs nebūšu, un savu koka karoti es ņemšu līdzi.
Pie velna viss.

Tagad skan: The xx - Fiction

Purchase

I, like most of us (I believe), usually download music online. Illegally. Yup, that's what I do. Very rarely do I actually buy a song online. Now that I come to thinking of it, online I've actually paid for just one song. And it was only because I couldn't find where to download it, but I liked the song very, very much.
All for good, today I made a change, I purchased two CDs! You heard me. I went into a store and purchased two brand new CD, in a legal store. I know, WHY?? That's what I would be thinking. If I wanted, I could get all these songs online without spending any money. Besides, CDs just take us space, and that's no good (especially now). But somehow a new part of my brain took over and I decided to go ahead and buy the CDs. The first CD I found in the shelves of FOPP was The XX this year's album Coexist. I've not listened to it yet, but should be good. The second CD that I purchased is the new album of Canadian band Wintersleep called HELLO HUM. I'm listening to it as I write and I am enjoying it. I don't know if this is actual satisfaction, or if I am just reassuring myself that it was a purchase worth the money. I've like Wintersleep ever since I heard them the first time, so I assume that this is real satisfaction.

Well Happy New Year everybody. I'm staying in today, having a glass of Asti and then heading to bed.
A quiet evening for me, thank You very much. :D

Now Playing: Wintersleep - Nothing is Anything (Without You)

Crazy Stupid Me

Gosh. Where does common sense go?

"I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier

I know that the clubs are weapons of war

I know that diamonds mean money for this art

But that's not the shape of my heart"

Now Playing: Sting - Shape of My Heart

"I Think I'm moving, but I Go Nowhere"

One Republic

Stop and Stare

This town is colder now, I think it’s sick of us

It’s time to make our move, I’m shakin' off the rust

I’ve got my heart set on anywhere but here

I’m staring down myself, counting up the years

Steady hands just take the wheel

Every glance is killing me

Time to make one last appeal

For the life I lead

Stop and stare

I think I’m moving but I go nowhere

Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared

But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh

Stop and stare

You start to wonder why you’re here not there

And you’d give anything to get what’s fair

But fair ain’t what you really need

Oh, can you see what I see?

They’re tryin' to come back, all my senses push

Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could

Steady feet, don’t fail me now

I'm gonna run till you can’t walk

Something pulls my focus out

And I’m standing down

Stop and stare

I think I’m moving but I go nowhere

Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared

But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh

Stop and stare

You start to wonder why you’re here not there

And you’d give anything to get what’s fair

But fair ain’t what you really need

Oh, you don’t need

What you need, what you need

What you need

Stop and stare

I think I’m moving but I go nowhere

Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared

I’ve become what I can’t be

Oh, do you see what I see?

Motivation as My Pet

Life changes. Ideas are born, and soon they die. What makes an idea sustainable? What is it that some ideas remain with the root in my mind, and then they never leave? How do they manage to stay there? I can't find anything that the few things have in common. What is it, that despite my laziness and procrastination some ideas just continue to flicker until they are realized. How is it that there really are things that I simply refuse to give up on, while there are other all sorts of thoughts going through my mind; bigger and smaller ones. How do I manage to not give up every time? Where do I find this mysterious strength, where is it created, and hoe does it breed. I need some of that food, the one that feeds creativity and motivation. What is it that makes the good things grow?

Now Playing: Foo Fighters - The Pretender

(yeah, just like the olden days...:/ ugh, memories)

Here's a small recap of my weekend that was nothing like me. Or was it. I don't even know who I am. But I like the part of me that gets out every now and then. Friday we got off work at decent time for once in a long time. I went home, and was well rested when I headed early to city center to meet my friend (aka mīļums). We had a few drinks here and there, and soon enough I was quite drunk. Therefore cheeky enough to send a text message to a certain someone. Because I had to write something that the guy HAD to reply to, I wrote something very brave (to say the least). Never the less the time flew by fast, and there were several cute guys at the last pub that we visited that evening. And, well, then later I met the certain someone. I had slept two hours that night. Then Saturday I went to a gym with one of my colleague. She had arranged for me to enjoy the gym as a guest. Spent about three hours at the gym; great warm up, toning up some muscles, and then we went for a swim. After that we went to a noodle place for lunch. Then I biked back home for a well deserved sleep. All in all it was a great day. Then work today, which was, of course not the best day (cuz my job sucks, big time). But Friday and Saturday went well, so that counts as having a good weekend. With the exception that I have understood that at times I'm a terrible person, big time.

Push

How about You give me the capital strength to travel far, far away. I don't need your money, I don't need your gifts. Just encourage me to go further than the sea. Further than the borders that I've laid out for myself. Give me the things I am unable to create myself. Give me motivation. Give me some kind of strength. I don't mean physical, I can torture myself to build up physical strength. But emotionally I'm a wreck, there is so little happiness, so little joy of life in me. It's like all I do is for some kind of other side of. For the small part of me that wishes life was different. I go places just for her. Sometimes I leave for some days so she can feel how it is to be alive. I hate that the small part of me that is human has to be trapped inside the depressing mind of mine. I deserve better; she deserves better. So just give me a small push, a tiny encouragement to go further.

Am I really asking for more than I deserve?

Tagad Skn: Prāta Vētra - Aiz Vēja Ģenerātora

Bring Me To Life

I used to feel this way many years ago. The feelings have begun to return. It is weird, bad and good at the same time. I did something stupid, again. Memories arise. They have grown old already, covered in wrinkles and dust. I had placed them in far corners of my mind, so to never greet them again. But here I am, flipping through them like a child flipping through the pages of a new colouring book; ready to attack with divine new colouring pens. I have no idea what I want.

I just exist. 

 Now Playing: Evanesence - Bring Me To Life

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

No, no, no!!!

I don't want anything. I can not recall a time when I literally did not want anything. I keep asking myself if I want the things that usually make me happy. And all my mind is yelling at me is NO NO NO!!! How do I stop this? How can I know what I want???

Going LOCO!!

Now Playing: Flo Rida ft. Sia - Wild Ones

Day by Day

We all have different times in life. We have the ones where we are down, sad, and feeling anything but useless. Times when we can't help others. Then, what is even more pathetic is that we can not even help ourselves. Right now my life feels like it's at a stop. Well, picture this, life is a bus ride. We ride from one end to another. So, taking this analogy, my life is at a bus stop. I am not entirely sure if I am a late bus, or if I am running ahead of the schedule, since there really is no schedule, but I AM AT A BUS STOP. I do not know where my bus is going, or where from it is coming, but I am here now, and to be honest, I am taking a lot out of it. I am at a bus stop of ignorance, of laziness, of parties, of the crazy-youth-days kind of things. And yeah, I am in a way jealous of my friends (a.k.a. ex-friends) that are at uni, studying, and pursuing their dreams, and developing their skills. But when I look at it from another perspective, when else will I be able to be stupid, and reckless? I believe it it possible to do all at once, but I really love not caring about consequences (well, in the short run anyway). Of course I too have a line, that I will never cross (i.e. braking the law, for instance). But for now, it is all right to party all night long, then go to work, then party the following night as well. It is fine because my job is shit (what else could it be), I care very little for it. People that I party with (at least most of them) are shallow pigs (yeah, i have learned to be a hypocrite) and I couldn't care less for what they think of me, since I will be leaving this god damned city anyway. Of course, the question is WHEN will I be leaving and to WHERE.

Anyway, for now I will be rude, mean, stupid, prudent, crazy, dumb, all-over-the place, careless.....etc.

But, hey, don't you worry, some day I will grow up. Just now yet, not yet. :P

Now Playing: FUN - WE ARE YOUNG

A Moment's All it Takes to Say Goodbye

I wish I had the courage to leave everything behind and (yet again) start anew. It would be difficult, unbearable, but I believe it would be worth it. Would it?

I know that it is very possible to pick myself up this very moment and do things that have actual meaning and reasonable consequences. What I mean is that I am doing very little to improve my current situation.

Bye now.


Now Playing - Zucchero feat. Ronan Keating - Il Volo (The Flight)

Šūpulī līgo lēni, Dzelteni valodzēni.

Viss nāk un aiziet tālumā.

Bet ne vienmēr viss sākas no gala. Ir iespēja pārtraukt ciklus, vajag tikai ļoti gribēt un izvēlēties pareizo brīdi. Varbūt pietiek latviešiem nīkt un pūt? Varbūt ir vērts saņemties?

Tu nevari nogremdēt to, kas ir mans, tu nevari atņemt to, kas man pie ādas pieaudzis klāt.
Tu nevari bērnam atņemt māti. Tu nevari manus vārdus no mutes raut laukā.
Mana valoda ir kā nasta. Citreiz smaga, nepanesama.
Bet vispatīkamāk ir, kad tā viegla kā latvja dziesma, kas ausīs kūst.
Lai kur arī esi, tai skanot var justies kā mājas.

Es esmu latvietis un mūžam latviets' palikšu.

Skries mana vālodzīte,
Pakalnu klaigātāja.
Sauks mani atkal mājās,
Pasaules staigātāju. 

Tagad skan: "Viss nāk un aiziet tālumā" un "Vālodzīte"