Disgust

I am your child, for reality does not exist any more. I am a child of the wild when yet another world war is about to embark. I am an evil astronaut in a sky that will never forgive our sins. I will never let them take that what is mine, for there is already more injustice in the world than there is food on our tables. We believe in ghost stories and fairy-tales. We are monsters of the sea. You got it all wrong child. They are the ones who are hiding from us. We are stuck in simple, vulgar closets, unable to free our souls. We can not escape, trapped forever. Volcanoes burst into tears. The earth splits into several pieces. We have never been united. We have never been true and honest. Why do we even have these words? Why do we have symbols for things that do not exist? Why bother? Does it not make you sensible to see how things could be? Should-a, could-a, would-a.
You make me sick to my core. Every molecule of yours is filled with betrayal. You are an ogre. You disgust me. You make me want to vomit. I can feel my breath speeding up, my heart rate rising. I can sense my face filled with anger and fear. There will be no answers, there never were real questions. No one cares; you are disgraceful animals.

Now Playing: Jesca Hoop - Born To 

Love Hate

I hate going through old pictures. Reminds me of the olden days. The days when I thought life was difficult, if only I knew what was coming later on. I miss the recklessness, the carelessness. I miss being a child. Even though I still see myself as a child, the list of responsibilities has changed very much since when I actually was a child. It basically comes down to the crude basics, You know, I used to live under someone else's roof; I used to be fed. But now I have to make the so called important life decisions. It isn't even a choice thing, it's a must. I simply have to do what needs to be done. Plus, of course, I feed myself. I am no longer a pet. What an analogy!

Don't get me wrong, it is wonderful to live my own life. However, I strongly believe that I still need guidance. In my mind I really am just a child despite the fact that I am 20 yeas old (not for long though). I am a child even though I earn and spend my own money. I am a simple kid, a lost one, and in some way I never finished growing up. So how do I get that back? How can I lead myself when I don't know how it's done?

Blah woman, You make me sick. Grow a pair, will you?!

this is where if i was a kid i would go to my mommy and cry my eyes out

No one has ever been against the fact that exams are not an easy thing and not everyone has the privilege to always do good on them (even though this depends on so many (too many) external factors). (Fine, yeah, there are people who disagree, but you get my point.) Days and nights are messed up again and i know for sure that i am still tired and that i do need more sleep before my next exam, (but forget about that).

World issues was a pain in the big intestine and the retina of my right eye. No jokes. (Fine, the intestine part is not true.) I was scheduled to write the exam in room 211 (just like one half of our class). In the same classroom the other half class was a grade eleven Biology (ohh sweet irony). It was the same class where i wrote my English exam last week on Friday and our class was in almost the same rows, and i ended up sitting it the same place as Friday, sweet, don't You think? The teacher who was supervising was not good at what she was doing, but who am i to judge(?) (examples would be that she did not tell the kiddos that they can't have their pencil cases on the table). I was in my exam mood and had just begun the first part of the exam and then out of nowhere (actually not out of nowhere, but from the hall) came a grade eleven guy (no surprise! (no sexism intended)) and said out loud "oh, i guess i'm late" causing a small wave of laughter in the Bio rows (HA HA HA, VERY FUNNY, NO GO AND SIT DOWN!). Well that wasn't enough. An other girl this time, but she was blond (i did not notice the hair colour on purpose, it just stared at me, and no discrimination intended, i'm blond too!), came in the class late. She distracted the exam mood by her funny laugh (yeah, funny.... guess who thought that.. yup, the Bio kids, and one guy specifically, dude, get a room!) that she probably caught from her friend who was even more late for her own exam. So i was extracted. Twice. (DO YOU NEED A SEA OF APPLAUSE BEFORE YOU FIND YOUR SEAT?) After the girl finally sat down i was able to get back to paying attention to my matters.

The exam consisted of four parts. The first was 30 multiple choice questions that were pretty tricky and i needed more time for them then i had thought. The second part was short answer. We had a choice. They gave us a list of 19 terms and we had to pick 10. The short answer had to include what the thing is and how it is important, and mention an example. The third part was (You guessed it) long answer. Again we had a choice (oh, sir, you are fabulous). There where ten quotes accompanied by a question or two (or three). We had to answer four of the ten. Last, BUT not least essay question. Where there is a long question and we had to answer in an essay format (You know, the good old, introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion).

I was back in my writing mood and still on the first half of the multiple choice questions and i felt it coming. There i was in the first half an hour of the exam with a migraine. I wished, i begged it to go away, but it became worse and worse. I asked to go to the washroom (that happens as following, the supervisor teacher calls another teacher that will walk with you to the washroom and back, good they don't actually come in and hold my willy (TAKE A PAUSE FOR THE LAUGH ;D )). The teacher watched me wash my hands and rinse my face. Then we went back to the class (oh how i wish i could have ran away). For a second it really did feel better, i tried to keep my cool hand to my forehead where the pain killed the most. But then it got even worse. It felt like most of the time i had kept my teeth so tight together that they started to hurt. I kept saying myself that i have to finish the exam and then i can go, finish and go, finish and go, finish and go. Soon it had replaced every single thought in my head, even the unconscious thoughts that control the breathing and the common sense. So now i had to remind myself to inhale and exhale. Finish and go, inhale, finish and go, exhale, finish and go, inhale, finish and go exhale. The patterns was extracted by the curiosity of the time. I still had more then one and a half hours till the end. Finish and Go! I started the essay after sitting in my chair and going nothing but holding my head. Thoughts just wouldn't come to my mind even if i pleased them with the idea that this would not continue long. I begun writing it and had to pay attention to every letter, every line i drew. I couldn't. The last pages in my exam where a mess. If one was to find all pages separate, no one could tell that the first page was written by the same person as the last page. I wrote something. No paragraph in my essay contained more then five sentences. But it was done, in this exam i could not have left it blank, it is impossible to not come up with some answer. I did not care about the length (though it did peak in my mind), the structure, the content. All that mattered was that it was done. I put all the papers together handed it in and marked the time when i left, it was two minutes past eleven. I had finished the exam in two hours and seventeen minutes. Just like that another part of the semester had concluded. I went to my locker, got my jacket and boots and left to the bus stop.

It was not too cold outside, but the snow flakes where hitting my brows and melting faster then i could think of them. The wind was blowing in my face. I let it get me colder and colder. I was hoping that the cold could take away the headache, freeze it away. It did, for about one second after that i just felt more pain due to the extreme dose of the cold. The two buses got me home and without thinking i was in my bed. Took me about 40 minutes to fall asleep. Once i woke up the headache was not gone, but i did feel better.

..and the exam just felt like a dream.



Now i was thinking to apply to another university. But i shall see, let's not forget that i still have Biology exam at 8:45 and i have to be in school at least 30 minutes before. It is almost five in the morning now.

I know, i am not a smart person. Tell me something i don't know.

P.S. Hope that the sarcasm along the way did not distract You, but rather enriched the time You spent here.

THREE days, People

Exams start this Friday. I hate repeating myself, but really, I CAN'T WAIT!

Today I wanted to talk about the people who you sometimes say "HI" to when You pass them in the hall. Though most of the time you wish you hadn't seen the person. In some cases you actually ignore them and pretend to not have seen them. Ever been in my shoes? Well, I have.
It gets even worse when i get on a bus and one of these people happen to be on that bus. In that case there are several things that can be done. First, ignore them, if they come by and say hi, then say "oh, where you on this bus all this time?". Second, say a vague HI of just smile at the person, what ever You do do not sit beside him/her. Third, go and talk to the person, these conversations usually turn out a waste of own thinking time. They screw you, literally. So most of the time i choose the second option. It does not make You bitchy and you also don't have to make a canadian out of your self by asking things like "How are you?" or "I like your jacket, where did you get it?" Grrr.. I just hate those conversations.

Yeah... thats about it for now.. I think.
Except. Not that You care, but i had some fun times at omegle.com. (don't ask me why i even went there, cuz i don't know myself)

As well as, the thought of yesterday: "Krievs iespļauj mīļā bērna sejā."

~Your Personal Bug! ;D

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Iečuksti man nesacītos vārdus,
brīdī, kad laternām strāvas par maz.
Ne tumsā nosmacēti mēs,
ne gaismā viltotā.


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Kaut kur starp Merkūru un Neptūnu
ietilpst vairāk kā simtiem planētu,
bet te mēs pastāvam tikai tik, cik līdz šim
un pat nedaudz mazāk.

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Apklusti bērns,
beidz alpām raudāt
un triņāt linu krāsas acis.
Necik ilgi un viss jau būs mitējies.