"..un es palieku tumsā."

2015. gada 26. augustā

Lisabonā

Pazudusi

Kurp man mesties nemiera laikos?
Manī plosās nezināms spēks.
Es jūtu bezmiera dvēseles,
Tās vajā mani miegā.
Es izkrītu kā poga
Cauri palaga caurumiem.
Tie aizlāpas paši ciet
Un es palieku tumsā,
Es nevaru atgriezties.
Gumijas zābaki ūdens pilni.
Man neceļas kājas,
Nekustas rokas.
Brīžiem liekas, ka pat sirds stājas.

How I Realized that I Enjoy Life

Life is beautiful and I like it. It's my one love that will be with me till the end.


This post comes as a surprise to myself (and maybe some others). I look sad, and my mind tends to be on a very strange vibration. I am somewhat masochistic, I like pain and suffering. But why?
Pain in beautiful. I like it because it makes me feel alive. It makes makes me appreciate the times when I don't suffer.

Back to the point. How I came to realize that I enjoy life. I like people, I don't, but I do. I manage to find something good about everyone and I concentrate on those things. That's why I can't say that I hate anyone. Some would call that being an ass-kisser. But I don't care. I believe that everyone has their pros.

People are not the only things that I can always view in a positive light. That happens to everything. Yes! Everything is beautiful. When ever people ask me about my favourite things (music, city, county, city, food, drink, pass time....) I always say that either I like a lot of things or I name a few. Why, because everything has it's good part. For example, favourite dish, I love food and I enjoy all kinds of flavours, how can I pick just one dish? 

So I've realized that there is always something good and positive, no matter what the thing, idea, situation .. is. And I see it because I enjoy viewing life from a genuine viewpoint. Of course I see bad things all the time, but if I concentrate on them more than the good things I will end up being sad and radiating negative energy.

I've said it. Life is beautiful. And I have no shame of saying it now when I am at an extremely low point in life. Because pain too can be beautiful, and knowledge that it will be better makes me happy.


Keep on livin' homies.

Nothing is Everything

I know it's bad to write ideas that are difficult for people to comprehend. Such as, nothing is everything. It confuses people and so they feel foolish or dense. As a result they choose not to read the thing and then they forget about it. Maybe they really are foolish for fooling themselves so easily. But there are some rare souls who don't mind the feeling of being tricked. They want to read on the to make some sort of sense out of it. They might not get the idea, but they will get something out of it, because we always see what we want to see and what we want to believe.

And I believe that I am not a people's person. Sure I can smile, say that I'm doing just fine. I will ask you how you're doing, and I will listen in delight.
But real relationships aren't my cup of tea. After the big listening I'll sympathise with your situation, but that's where it stops. I am unable to maintain any real relationship with the people that actually matter to me. I lack that skill.
Maybe I never really tried to develop it. But here I am, with no one I can call my buddy. In an odd way it's soothing. However, sometimes I really wish I had put in some effort to be better at this. Sometimes I do wish to not be a rock. But luckily, that's just sometimes. Mostly I like being a lone wolf.

Let's Talk About it - The Awkward Silence

Somehow a recent chat with a friend brought up the feel about awkward silences. She said that a guy-friend of hers had told her that it's nice to talk to her as there are no awkward silences.

And so I remembered the years when I was in Canada. If you do not know, here's a fact about Canadians: They simply hate the so called awkward silences. They have this constant urge to fill in every second with words. It is like a plague. And if they fail to produce a sound, they, of course, have to apologize for it! It's quite ridiculous. As for me, I'm Latvian, we are very different from Canadians. We like to be quite, and we like to keep to ourselves, some more than others, but in comparison, most Latvians will not like if you talk non-stop.

So very often when I would be in a room with one or more Canadians, they would feel pressured to talk. And, naturally, they expected everyone else to pitch into the conversation. When I did not speak as much as they would like, I could see that they begun to feel uncomfortable. It was like someone was pinching them, or as if someone was saying something extremely controversial, or as if they really needed to use the toilet, but couldn't... like something was seriously bothering them. I have to admit that I made fun of this in my head. They have this urge to produce a useless conversation, it's like an addiction. And if it does not go as planned, they went ahead and kept talking.
What do they talk about, one might wonder.

Weather, that's a no briner. It's always changing, and so is a good chat material. You can talk about it at any given time, as the weather is a continuous thing. Winter is cold and filled with snow, summer is hot, fall is rainy....and so on.

Hockey! They either talk about their favourite teams, or if they don't like hockey, they will talk about how much they dislike hockey! They will also go as far as talking about equipment and different leagues and levels of hockey. All this talk will lead in talking about other kinds of sports (or the dislike of all other kinds of sports). I must add, though, that most Canadians do like sports! Now that, in my opinion, is a good and healthy thing!

They will also talk about what ever is happening around. If it's a chat at work or school they'll talk about tasks, meeting, classes, bosses, teachers, ....etc.

They also will compliment each other. Then the small talk goes into talking about where the certain thing was gotten and they will talk about that thing. For example, if I would have a scarf from a friend, the other person would say: "what a lovely scarf you have, looks good with that jacket! Where did you get it?" To this I will reply that I borrowed it from a friend. The other person would then say: "Oh, really? I do that too sometimes. Me and one of my friends, we swap and borrow things all the time." ... Well you get the point, don't you?

What is my say? I think people should not fill every moment with some pointless conversation. It is highly annoying, and brings no good. I like silences, I love them, and I feel perfectly comfortable when no one is saying anything. I think this should be practiced more often.

Maybe people fear their own thoughts and that's why if there is a silence, they have to call it awkward. ..

Es negribu visā uzreiz atzīties.

Bet man regulāri sāp galva un domās plosās nemierīgs vējš. Man bieži ir bail un gribas paslēpties, tā, lai neviens mani neredz un nekad neatrod. Es raugos cauri netīriem stikliem kā uz manas mātes zemes netiklās miesas sniegpārslas krīt. Tas ir tik maigas kā maza bērna pieskāriens. Man acīs uzplaukst asaras, te skumjas mīt. Bet kaut kur dziļi, dziļi sirdī ir tāds prieks, tāds prieks, ka nesaprotu, kā dienas nepaiet vienos priekos.
Jā, tas tiesa, ka sevi izprast - neizprotu. Ir reizes, kad pati slīgstu savās izplūdušajās domās. Tad es kā maza, vāja buru laiva triecos pret tālā okeāna viļņiem. Manī mīt spēks, bet to pārskalo tās asaras, kas klīst pār maniem vaigiem.
Es pārāk bieži jūtos bezspēcīga. Parasti spēks man palīdz to noslēpt no citiem mirstīgajiem.

From Here to There

November finally arrived. But before that end of October happened. On the last Wednesday of October I went to "trim" my hair. It is now half the length it was. (It is still long though!)

On Thursday it was a tough day at uni. But after that I had a nice lunch with a couple of my friends. Then later, in the evening, I was visiting my brother for his birthday dinner. It was great to see my niece again. She is growing rapidly. We stayed there till late and were home a bit after midnight. It ended up being a long night with packing, shower, doing laundry, and tiding up the mess I had produced in the last few months. I got to bed at six in the morning. My alarm was set for 7:30. I woke up 5 minutes before it went off.

Now it was Friday, the very day that I was patiently waiting for. That's the day when, what should be the greatest trip if my life so far, was about to begin. I flew to Lisbon to see my boyfriend. He was waiting for me at the arrivals, with a flower! :) We seized the last bit of the day we had by going a bit out in the city. Again, arriving after midnight home, we started packing, this time Pedro's things. It went a bit hectic, but by four in the morning we were fast asleep.

With most things packed we let ourselves sleep so we would be somewhat rested for our first flight together. With everything ready to go, bags and bikes packed, Pedro went to get his father and then we drove to the airport. At the check in we had a bit of a scare, the lady at the Emirates desk said that I could only get a 15 day visa for our final destination, so she could not. Check us in because we had our return flights only in 5 weeks. But luckily we had purchased another flight for us for while on the trip, so we had theoretical proof that we'll be leaving Thailand before the 15 days expire. With all that settled we now had to pass our bikes through the oversized luggage scanner, and help the woman working there bring the bike boxes to the other side. :D  We then bought some wine and headed for our gate. The flight was long, more than seven hours. And at Dubai we were not able to land because the airport was busy, so we took an extra minutes just circulating above Dubai. We landed passed two at night local time. Luckily our CS host Jihad was still waiting for us at the airport to take us to his place. With him was another surfer, Vaidas. This guy is from Lithuania, but has also lived in Norway, and in Canada for several years. Now he was on his journey to see every country in the world!! At our host's place we had a quick chat but soon went to sleep. It had been a long day!

We all slept in even though that was not the plan. We planned to leave the apartment by 10, but Jihad had to be in work. He had called work that he would be late, but because he sounded ill, his colleague said to stay home for the day. So now he was our awesome "sick" driver and tour guide. He really turned out to be one of the best hosts ever! Impressive!
We got to see some of Dubai. Before our flight we met an old colleague of Pedro's, had a nice quick dinner. And then our host drove us to the airport. We found our terminal, our boarding gate, and we were ready to take off for Bangkok!

And that is where we are right now. :)

Doing This and Doing That

For the first time ever, I truly can not explain my own actions. Usually everything I do made some sense on some sort of  (maybe even messed up) level. But now, now, now... it's a mayor mystery and it's beginning to bother me a lot.

Now Playing: The Doors - Riders On the Storm

Don't Wake Me Up

If I actually do fall asleep in September, make sure to not wake me up.
I can't think straight. I honestly need some REAL rest from everything, yes - every fucking thing. I'm way too exhausted to be functioning as a real human being. I am physically and emotionally tired. I need space. I need time. I need to manage my time, so I can rest.
I have to decide what to do...

Dialogs ar sevi.

-Ko tu dari?
-Es nezinu.
-Kāpēc tu tā dari?
-Es nezinu.
-Ko tu centies panākt?
-Gribu nepatikšanas. 

Vēlētos satikt īsto Mazo Princi un Pieradināto Lapsu!

What am I doing?

HOW I FEEL - ALL AT THE SAME TIME:

 

AND THIS: 

???

Would you run away with me?

This.

Letter

Dear,

It's hard to be here so far away from you. I am distancing myself, it's a defence mechanism, there is nothing I can do to stop it. When I'm with you, I'm there 100% and more. When we're together I embrace every second I'm there. I smile at you so much it hurts my cheeks. The day blends together with night, there is no time; it's just moments we get to spend together. 

I go through my day thinking about you. I wonder what I would be telling you now, or how I'd be playing with your hair. I fly away remembering how beautiful your kisses feel.

But then I trail away to reality - I'm here, and you're there - far away. And I wonder what you are doing, what you are not telling me, and what you are telling me. I wonder how tough is work for you, and how evil your boss is this day. I wonder how your family is doing. I wonder if all the things you tell me are true. I wonder about when I might see you again.. That is, of course, if I ever will see you again. I wonder how badly I want to see you smile. And then, again, I wonder if all that is the truth. 

I want to quit, and I want to leave it be. But then again, I don't want to hurt you (that is, if all what you say is the truth). I thought I could handle this, I thought it would be so much easier, but it's not. And as time goes by, it only becomes harder to bare. I want to smile when I think of you, but yet there is this tiny tear that meets the corners of my eyes. I dream for all the adventures we might be going on, but then I think of how I will back out on the last moment. I dream. Yes, lately you've even showed up in my dreams, and then I wake up all rested in the morning. I wake up well, but then I open my eyes and you're not there next to me. You're far, far away. 

I wish I had the strength to tell you this, because there are so very little things that are left unsaid. I feel well with you, and I feel like I can actually trust you. But then there are moments when doubt arises and it brings me to tears. Everything is so uncertain. 

But I will stay here, at times I'll be all for you, but other times I'll let a call from you go astray, even though hearing your voice is like a raindrop in a desert.

I'm here now, 

but I believe it will not be for long,

truly yours... 

I can feel myself going crazy

I feel my brain melting to bits, day by day it decays.

Nenogurt

Kā zvaigžņota lupata man virs galvas plešas debesu valstība. Es esmu aizkustināta. Ir vēss, piebrieduši krūšu gali un es viegli, jo viegli teku pār lauku. Kājas basas, rasa dzeļ pēdās, bet es tik gaisīgi nesos, gandrīz kā lidojumā. Man nav kurp skriet, nav laika, sen iztecējis, vai varbūt nekad tāds nemaz nav bijis. Es esmu vienīgā dambretes dāma - karaliene pati savā pļavā, un neviens man pāri nodarīt nevar. Es elsoju klusi, jo klusi; ir nogurums no nemitīgās dancošanas, bet es nevaru stāties. Es negribu stāties. Man uzsmaida mēness gaišā puse, vai tas ņirgājās, vai patiesi smaida, nezinu. Bet ko gan tas maina? Es esmu karaliene pati savā pļavā. Ir robežas, sēta laikam arī kaut kur ir, bet es nezinu cik tālu. Bieži šķiet, ka teku pa pļavu, kas ir apaļa kā lode, bez malām, bez gala.

2014

It's here!
2014 has arrived. And change is about to happen. I would tell you what change, but I am pretty good at keeping secrets, so there is no way I'm telling you.

Either way kiddos, stay cool. :D

How?

I've heard people say that I am too young to have no faith to the world. And maybe so, it could be that they are right! But how can I have any faith at all? I don't even believe myself, I have let myself down countless times, and I keep on doing so. I've been let down by others even more times than I've disappointed myself. So how can I keep on believing people, when I know that I'll be disappointed? That just doesn't make sense. So it is just logical to have no faith in human, in people.

Who knows, maybe people are, in general, nice creatures, but deep-deep down we all are selfish. When it would come to it, we would all be willing to kill someone for our own good. We would not risk our heath or wealth for someone else without own benefit. We all seek for self satisfaction, even if it is on the expense of others. And YES, there will be those of you, who will think don't judge everyone based on yourself. Yes, I am selfish too, but I am also kind, and I've given a lot, and I feel like I've been let down too much for what I have done. It's not physical pain, but emotional pain, people playing with feelings. I am weak this way, I've become weak. So I will not let any ass-holes betray me. No, I've had enough of that bull shit.

And yes, I have done wrong, and I have let go the wrong people in my life. But there have been so many.. and mostly I just feel like they will not care. So I give up, I give up before the battle begins. All because I don't want to be let down.


I've got high standards, so what, sue me!

Trešā persona

Kādu rītu es pamodīšos un viss šķitīs kā sapnis. Viss tas, ko dzīvē esmu piedzīvojusi, liksies kā kaut kas ārzemju pasakā izlasīts.

Bet, ja godīgi, tad jau tagad, kad cilvēkiem stāstu, kas esmu, no kurienes nāku un caur kurieni esmu gājusi, es jūtos, ka runāju par kādu trešo personu. Es stāstu par sevi kā par kādu citu cilvēku, kuru gluži vienkārši esmu ļoti labi iepazinusi. Es atstāstu kādu nesen izlasītu grāmatu, vai filmu, kuru šobrīd rāda lielā kinoteātra mazākajā zālē. Es esmu te. Un es sevi prezentēju kā būtni, kas nu tā, starp citu kaut kur ir un kaut ko dara (vai varbūt nedara neko).
Un tad man paliek žēl par to, ka daudz, jo daudz lietu, domu un notikumu paliek nepateikti, nepierakstīti. Tas viss paliek domu vācelītē, laikam slīdot pa garajiem dzīves gaiteņiem to visu norij zemapziņa, absolūti nekas pāri nepaliek.

Kad jūtos savādi, vai kad jūtos kā vēl nekad, gribas vaicāt kādam, vai tu zini kā tas ir..? Un nereti es tā arī daru, cenšos cik vien iespējams sīki un detalizēti izstāstīt kā jūtos, un uzreiz vaicāju, vai tev ar tā ir bijis? Mani sen jau vairs nepārsteidz tas, ka neviens mani neizprot, cilvēki parasti lūr uz mani kā uz kādu, kas no citas planētas nokritis (un pa ceļam smagi apsities). Viņiem nav ne mazākās nojausmas, un līdz ar to es arī zinu, ka atrast kādu līdz-domātāju ir praktiski neiespējami. Tas izklausās visai skumji, — bet tā nav, gluži pretēji! Tas gluži vienkārši nozīmē, ka piedzīvoju ko vēl nebijušu! I feel special, and so BITE ME! Tā nu tas ir. 

Es jau tagad pārlasot kādus sava emuāra rakstus jūtos it kā lidotu cauri notikumu jūrai, tad vēl atminos kā man tanī brīdī ir gājis, kādi uztraukumi bijuši, un kādi prieki bijuši. Un, ja tā padomāju, tad saprotu cik daudz dzīvē ir bijušas neskaidrības par notiekošo, par to, kas notiks un, to kas bijis. Tik daudz dzīvē mainās sekunžu simtdaļā un rezultātā mainās visa turpmākā dzīve. Tas var būt kādas vienkāršas idejas dzimšana, vai kāds notikums vispasaules politikā. Viss tas, ko daru, balansējas uz adatas paša gala. Dzīve ir tik koša un daudzpusīga, ka ir tik viegli iedomāties par to, kā būtu, ja būtu. Dažreiz pat ir patīkami ar laivu izpeldēt cauri ideju ielejām. 

Bet visforšāk ir tad, ka es saprotu, ka dzīve ir ieslīdējusi pareizajās sliedēs. Tas, protams, nenozīmē, ka ja lietas būtu citādi, tad būti slikti, vai nepareizi; tas nozīmē, ka patreiz esmu apmierināta ar izvēlēm, ko esmu veikusi. Un, ja ir kaut kas, kas neapmierina, esmu iemācījusies ar to sadzīvot. Viss ir labi, viegli, un ir arī grūti, un kopsavilkums ir visai pozitīvs. 





Un tagad, es spiedīšu publish, un varbūt kāds pat šo rakstu izlasīs, un nedod dievs, priecāsies par mani. Bet visticamāk, tas ieslīdēs nebūtībā, bet būs vismaz pierakstīts.. Kādu dienu, kad man varbūt būs skumji, es šo pārlasīšu un vismaz uz īsu brīdi būs labi. Būs prieks, un es sapratīšu, ka viss, gan labais gan sliktais, nāk un iet, dzīve konstanti mainās.

Where?

Bare hands. Bare soul. I am naked and I don't know where I'm standing. I feel raindrops climbing down my nude body. There is nothing to share, there is nothing to hide. I am here, no more, no less. What you see is all you get - no secrets. I am exposed to all that comes to me, and there is no place to hide. This is it... This is what I've been waiting for. I never wanted this to happen, but I knew it had to happen, it had to be this way, things had to change some day.

With nothing to give, with no excuses, with the most basic elements missing, I am lost and yet there where I have to be. I have the opportunity to start anew. I am on a new journey and I am not turning back. There is no point in turning back as at any moment I can take a turn. Yes, a simple turn. And that I will do, I will go right and left, left and right, I shall take many different paths on a journey that has no end.

I am gone. I am here.

I am an Apricot

Yeah, I am an apricot. It's a funny story really. I once met an Irish man who told me that anyone could be what ever they wanted to be. So immediately I had to decide what I wanted to be. First thought was to be some kind of superhero. You know having super powers would be awesome. But then I figured that even more awesome it would be to be an animal. Like a giraffe for example. Imagine having the longest neck in the entire universe. How cool would that be?? HuH?

But all in all I decided to be an apricot because it has no responsibilities. It is small and mostly unseen. No one notices it. It is one of countless. But what is even more important, it has no feelings. It does not feel pain, it does not feel love, it doesn't know what disappointment is, it has no clue what it is like to be happy. It knows nothing, and it does not care of anything.

I want to be an apricot because life would be so much easier. And sometimes we all deserve for things to be easy. We all want simple and nice things. Is it really too much to ask for a nice Christmas? I don't need no presents. I want a Christmas tree. I don't need extreme decorations. A neat candle will do the job, and a nice melody that reminds of times when Christmas was really a magical time.

I am an apricot for it has no feelings.