Sanity

 I think you misplaced my sanity, and now I cannot find it.

We live in an ambiguous reality that is very likely to collapse any minute. We live in a world that, at best, sounds like a poem written by an old, drunk man. We cannot measure the time slipping through our fingers as we go about our mundane routine. We do not see the sun rise or the sun set. We do not get fazed by the moon phases. We're lost without even realising that the path that we're on is circular. We drive cars that drive themselves. They drive us down a cliff. We buy houses to live in, but spend our precious days at the office. We talk about love and respect while conveniently forgetting what's truly important. We dive into our socials as if they have the answers, but they only make us numb. We get so dissociated that we do not even realise we're no longer questioning anything. We become blank pages, we become nothing. If our lives were to be printed, they wouldn't even be white; they'd be see-through, not even tangible. 

I've stopped fighting. You may keep my sanity. I wasn't using it anyway. 

P.S. Isn't it Your birthday today? 

Janvāris.

Laimes dalīšana.
Kur man likt visu šo laimīti? Kaklā iekārt? Iebērt burkā, vai pienaglot pie sienas, lai neaizbēg?
Vēlos jums visiem novēlēt šo laimi, jo kur gan es viens pats ar tik daudz laimi likšos? Man nav vietas, kabatas plīst jau pušu. Un es gribu, lai visiem tiek neliela laimes kripatiņa. Gribu, lai katram tiek lērums laimes, lai iemirdzas prieks, vēl gaišāks kā Ziemassvētku brīnums. Es gribu iekrāsot pasauli vēl neredzētos toņos. Gribu, lai cilvēki redz, ka patiesai laimei vajag ļoti, ļoti nedaudz. Un vajag, lai ir grūti, lai katru dienu ir par ko cīnīties, jo tas dod vēlmi novērtēt visu labo, kas tev ir. Es tā gribu, lai tu saproti manu domu - lai nepārproti mani. Nekad nebūs viegli, ja gribi patiesu laimi, tev tā ir jāizprot un jānovērtē. Citādi, tā kā smiltis izskries caur pirkstiem.
Viss, es eju būt laimīgs.

Je Suis Charlie

Why?

Je suis Charlie because I care.

Je suis Charlie because I have friend who are Muslim, who would never think of killing another human being.

Je suis Charlie because I have friends of many different backgrounds who would never think of killing another human being.

Je suis Charlie because I do not want to see people choosing sides because of what happened in Paris on 7th of January.

Je suis Charlie because I am human and I would not choose to kill innocent people because they have different views as me.

Je suis Charlie because there are better ways to show who you are and what you're made of.

Je suis Charlie we have one planet Earth and we are all responsible for each other.



Je suis Charlie because humans are the kind of species that have the intellect to control their own actions.

Where Did Viola Go?

As of January 7, 2015 I am no longer Viola, now I am Marta.
Why Marta, obviously because that is my real name. I have been living in some places online as Violeta Viola. But it's time I face the world as real me.


ALSO, of course, Happy New Year! :)

Multiple Universes

We live in multiple universes, in multiple realities. That is the truth! We each see the world via a different lens. It's strange when you really wrap your head around it. You suddenly feel all alone, because the truth is, you are alone in your own world. Earth, most literally, becomes a scary place to live in. Like back when you were a child, even closing your eyes was scary. When you come to think about it, the earth really is just like a dream world. We each live in our own, and somehow assume that everyone else lives in the same one, or some place similar to it. Further more, we tend to fool ourselves that we can relate (or better yet, understand) how the other person is experiencing life.
The truth is, there are countless realities, parallel realities, if I may. They co-exist because the choice is not that big, they just have to co-exist.

 Now Playing: Lorde - Royal

No Boundaries

Have you ever taken a look at the world map and felt like there is virtually nothing holding you back from just picking a spot and going there? Well, things are the way they are at the moment, and I truly feel that some time this year I will be able to go to a random place on this planet Earth.
That is, of course, if everything goes as planned.
Right now I'm looking at life through the simplicity lens, and I can't say that it's bad. It isn't always easy, but in the long run it is definitely better than complicating things and assuming that everything is impossible, too complicated, or too difficult to achieve.
Life is tough, and maybe that's why it's worth living.

Pilsonis

Mēs katrs dzīvojam ar sava veida abziņu, piemēram, es esmu latvietis. Nu redz, gandrīz mēnesi būšo nomācījusies Latvijas Univeristātē. Tas ko māca LU ir, ka tu, es, viņš un viņa, mēs visi esam Eiropas iedzīvotāji. Nepareizi, ne Eiropas, bet gan Eiropas Savienības (ES) pilsonis. Man tas šķiet nedaudz jancīgi, es tomēr jūtos vairāk kā Latvietis. Un nākamais līmenis, es esmu pasaules iedzīvotājs. Viss tomēr ir šobrīd un uz doto brīdi. Labi, Latvija ilgi nepastāvēs. Un Eiropas Savienībā arī nebūs uz visiem laikiem, mūžīgi mūžos enter. Jā, pasaule ar nebūs mūžīga, bet jebkurā gadījumā tā pastāvēs ilgāk. Un tas tomēr nav godīgi vērtēt Eiropas Savienības valstis augstāk par citām pasaules valstīm.
Man arī neliekās, ka citās ES dalībvalstīs izglītības iestādēs tik ļoti skalo smadzenes par ES.

Personīgi, man liekas, ka mēs (Latvija) paliekam pārāk atkarīgi no ES. Kādu dienu, kad tā sabruks, vai atbalsts vienkārši vairs nebūs, mēs jutīsimies kā pamests zīdainis.

Kāpēc Latvijai mūždien jābūt no kāda atkarīgai? Kāpēc esam tik vāji???

"Wonderful World"

This song pretty much explains how i see the world, not all of it, but some lines are spot on.

Now Playing: Nine Horses - Wonderful World

WONDERFUL WORLD

It’s a wonderful world

And you take and you give

And the sun fills the sky

In the space where you live

It’s a day full of dreams

It’s a dream of a day

And the joy that it brings

Nearly sweeps her away

It’s a wonderful world

As the buildings fall down

And you quicken your step

‘til your feet leave the ground

And you’re soaring above

All the sorrow below

And you’re falling in love

With those you don’t know

And your heart feels so wide

And your heart fills so strong

It was never a place

That you felt you belonged

It’s a wonderful world

Full of wonderful things

And the people fall down

And abandon their dreams

(I hear him, he’s talking out loud

Sometimes he whistles while walking

How could he know any better?

I weep for him, I weep for him now)

It’s a wonderful world

It’s a real crying shame

Cos she’s hurting herself

In a violent way

And there’s people she knows

That won’t even try

And they’re trapped in their lives

Feeling terrified

And it’s in times like these

That she promised to call

But the scale of our love 

Is diminished and small

It’s a wonderful world

And she doesn’t know why

She wakes up each day

And continues to cry

(He’s sleeping his troubles away

He’s finding it too hard to bear

I’m with him every step of the way

I weep for him, I weep for him now)

It’s a wonderful world

And you take and you give

And the sun fills the sky

In the space where you live

I Believe In..

One day I shall write about my life. And then I shall decide where to start and where to end the story. However, until then I have decided to change my life (again), not crucially, but just a bit. Today I shall post about the things I believe in. Yes, I will not cram about the things that I dislike, or things I don't believe in. I will try to list some things, and then write what I mean by that.
Before I do that I'd like to state a stupidity that I have committed. I always wait for the dude to send me a text message. And it used to be that I was so silly and answered right away, and so placing myself in the same situation - the waiting area. But lately things have slightly changed. I still wait for the guy to send a message, but when he does, I ignore it. I knew I would ignore it in the first place, but I still wait for a something. Last night (a Friday, as you could have guessed anyway) one guy sent a text message. Quite frankly I didn't even see that one coming. But then somewhere between 3 and 4 am GUESS-WHO called. Of course I did not pick up. Was he trying to get back at me for that one time....... Or was he trying to get back at me for not replying to his last two messages? OR was he actually hoping to see me?? Either way, I am not going to do anything about it.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, I can list some things that I believe in.

First, and far most important thing, I believe in my twin brother. You'd maybe expect me to write family and friends or something of that sort. And you are probably wondering why I am picking out just one person of this so-called group. The reason is that I don't believe in nor my family, nor my friends. However, I do believe in my twin bro. Not because he has trouble believing in himself, but because I really think that he can do more that what he is doing right now. I believe in him because I know what kind of a person he is, and I know that when someone wants something real, real bad, they can achieve it. He simply has not understood what it is that he wants to aim for. It is possible that I believe in him just to some how keep believing in myself; all because at some level we are in the same place. And who knows, maybe it is cuz we are twins, or maybe it's the upbringing, or maybe it's all the possible factors added together. But we are both struggling, each due to different list of things.. And gosh, I know this person, I know the deepest corner of his heart. I know he is strong. I know he leads his life with love and passion (gosh, this sounds lame).. But that is the truth.

So we lead in to the next thing: I believe in the GOOD. Yes, the good. I believe that there are people on this planet who are not entirely self centered. I believe that some people in the world would die to save another being. Of course, there isn't only back and white (sometimes I forget this), we all have our vices, and our falling point. But some people simply care less about themselves and more about others (or someone else in specific). It really doesn't matter, as long as the person doesn't spend his/her entire life just concerning about himself/herself.. I lost the train of thought... OOooppsss. I believe in Santa Claus. :D

I believe in art, all forms of art really. Painting, sports, photography, dance, singing, cooking, crafts, visual arts, modern art, art of design, art of work, art of structure, art or anything a person can be good at, anything  that a person can do so good that it can be admired.

(I need to remember how to project my thoughts into decent sentences and paragraphs.)

I could list some more things, but I'll just go with one more.

I believe in good night sleep. ;)

Wasp

Memories are scattered in my mind. I feel like a wasp that is trapped on the wrong side of the window. I feel like a part of me should not exists. I sense a constant struggle between myself and I. I do not know where the real world stops and where imagination starts. I really don't know how much of my life is real. Is anything really real? I'll keep living this post reality life, not because it is easier, it's really not. But because that is the only way I know how to survive. You can be a jealous cat, or an idiotic asshole, I really don't care. Nothing that You do can change the way I am. You may think otherwise, but here I am; I'm playing my game by my rules. You don't like something...well, sucks for you, cuz I could not care less. So go, kid, play.

Slīkoņi

Mākoņi sakrīt jūrā; gluži kā sapņi, kas izslīd no veselā saprāta. Nepaliek ne laika, ne mūžības. Zem okeāna dzīlēm slēpjas ekstravaganti vaļi, kas sen izmiruši. Iznīkuši, vairs neeksistē. Mēs tos esam nopirkuši, tad izmetuši. Aizmirsuši. Atvadu skūpsts vēl paliek pie stikla lapas pielāpīts. Mēs plīstam. Mēs plīstam kā vārgi bērni, kas izsalkuši maizi zog. Logiem aizsalušas rūtis, pasaule paliek gluži balta - gluži neredzama. Pagalmā spalgā balsī tiek karinātas nošu zīmes un pamācošas melodijas. Mēs dungojam no priekiem, ka rītdiena var nepienākt. Sameklēsim izdzisušo pīpi un to iekursim no jauna. Nodedzināsim savus mežus, savas mājas. Tapsim miruši, un eksistēsim savu iedomu parodijās. Eksistēsim tāpēc kā tā ir vieglāk nekā dzīvot. Būsim bezalgas putni ar vistu spārniem. Apmaldīsimies un nemūžam mums nebūs uzzināt pareizo ceļu. Tu tik dziedi tās skaistās dziesmas, jo rītdiena tiešām var nepienākt. Lai mūžīgi līst remdenas lāses, lai krīt no beztermiņa mākoņiem. Lai loka pasauli savās kontūrās. Mēs iesim peldēt, mēs iesm slīkt.

All this is mine

Every time I come in my room, I get a weird feeling. I think to my self: "All this stuff is mine." That's my bicycle standing right across of me. I have my laptop, my camera. I've got an exercise ball that I almost never use. That I almost never use. Most of the stuff that I have is things that I simply own, I just have them. I have books that I haven't even read. I have clothes that I have not worn in months. There's just too much  of everything. Too much. What for? What is stuff for? It makes me sick. It makes me sick to every pore of my body. I get goosebumps when thinking of this. What makes it even worse is that I can't throw things away. A part of me says that I will need this again some day. And, to be fair, I'm probably right. But who knows when that day will come. I have things. It makes me sick. I don't need most of them. What makes me sick even more is that there's people who haven't got a thing. There's people who wish they had a bed and clean bed sheets to sleep at night. There's pretty little girls and women in the world that would die to have at least one piece of jewellery, so that they could wear it to feel special. But do they need it? No. It is not a live-or-die necessity. Do they feel special anyway? What makes them feel special? Family? God? Religion? Traditions? Children? Money? Job? What makes YOU feel special? When was the last time you felt special?

I wish I had more. Not stuff, but wisdom. I wish I had the strength to be who I could be.

Not sure where I was going with this. Basically, I want to be able to stop buying material things.





All that aside, I believe I have decided what I want to do for my one-a-moth thing for June. The idea is to buy a big canvas, or just a simple BIG piece of paper (big meaning something like 2-3 m squared). Then buy some paint, some cheap stuff. AND then paint this big piece of space by using feet and hands. You know, kind of like letting things out of my system in a creative sort of way. Then I could stick this thing to a wall, or to the ceiling in my room. Or toss it out. It is the process that will matter. In most things in life the process is more important than the actual final result. Just something I like to think about.


Lately I've been thinking too much, again. About so many things that it would be even impossible to write it all down, not even in point form. Yeah.. So many things racing through my head all the time. I'm morally tired.

End of the World

We all know that the end of the world arrived ages ago.. And then it came again, again and again. So basically we all don't even exist.

No Face

Imagine no one would have a face and everything that we do would make up our identity. Or we could all have the same face. You understand the basic of this thought? So you would not be judged based on your looks, or race, or even gender; but your own actions. Further more, you would not be limited by the label that the society has attached to you. If you're a woman in Pakistan, you're barely considered as a living being. Where as if you had a face like everyone else, then you could do all the things that he, she or he is doing. I believe that's what the world should aim for... But that's just me.

How to be a Buffalo

It's November the first, and what else is there to do if not be a buffalo. I know; everyone is talking about it. You're on the public transport and you hear people next to you wondering about certain details of the whole process. I was on my way to work the yesterday, and as I walked passed the Conservatory of creative arts I heard third year students discussing their this weeks assignment. Guess what it was? Yes, of course it was about how to be a buffalo. So I decided that my today's task will be to explain to you all how it's done the right way. There are several things that one has to be aware of before starting the process. These quite important factors will determine how successful you will be at being a buffalo. And when you finally get the expected result, you'll also need instructions on how to become normal again.

So first of all there are three vital things you should know. One, never try this under influence of any intoxicating substances. Second, you should avoid this experience if you have health problems such as weak heart, breathing issues, strong allergies, etc. Last, but not least, make sure you have had enough food before you become a buffalo.

As someone who is about to take up this jurney you might want to know that some myths that you've heard are not exactly accurate. You may be a buffalo if you're pregnant. This will not harm you or your child. Quite opposite, it's good for growing minds. Another myth is that one can become a buffalo only in November. While most of us do choose this moths due to different reasons, many still practice this throughout the entire year. The myth that I've heard the most is that it's not good for one's health. This is not ture if one follows the accurate steps on how to be a buffalo.

Alright, so now to the business. First thing is that you have to choose the right time. Any time can be good, it depends on when you feel the best. It could be early in the morning, or late in the evenig, mid day, or midnight. You should be well rested and not hungry. There is almost no other preperation needed. You'll get best results if you'll do it alone, but it could be done in twos or even as a group activity. (The reason why it's better to do it alone is that not everyone will be 'feel at their best' at the same time.) After you have chosen the right time, you need to decide the right place. The most comonly chosen location is own personal space, so it would be either your bedroom or office. However, you may do it anywhere else. I do suggest that you avoid public areas, it could be harder to concentrate, and so you will not be able to achieve the expected result. Now that the location is confirmed you are ready to be a buffalo. Stand (you are allowed to be sitting if you have circumstances that do not allow standing) with your feet together, hands down by your side, and closed eyes facing any diretion. Relax your body and mind. Imagine there are no walls around you. Not physical walls, but the walls we create in our heads. In other words, step out of the box, let your mind fly. Think of one day in a buffalo's life. Better be a positive one, if you want to gain positive emotions from being a buffalo. Now remind yourself that you are strong. Yell it in your mind. Repeat. And again. Free your mind from the illusions of real life. There is nothing but you, a strong buffalo. Remember to breath. Keep your mind on this frequiency. Repeat the thoughts back and forth for a few times.

Now when you've come out of the experience you need to rest well. This activity will take a lot of your free energy and you will feel tired. Make sure you sit or lie down. Always remeber to keep your breath at constant levels. Now count to ten in a very slow manner. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. TEN.

To conclude have a hot drink with no milk or sugar. Take the drink in small sips. Once the drink is finnished you may continue with your day as you normally would.

If you have any questions please don't hesitate to contact me.

Thank you, and have a nice day. :)

Depressing

It's all about thinking. Once you think too much, it can sabotage your mental health. But if you don't think enough, then you can never experience life at it's fullest. It's hard to think just the right amount. First, because the right level of thinking is different for everyone of us. Second, once you've crossed the ultimate level of thinking, it's almost impossible to go back.

Anyway, i was thinking of how depressing it is to view yourself one of so many. Every one of us is just yet another human being to be living on this earth. See one is that you see yourself as one of the seven billion people living on this earth. However, further more, you are just one out of trillions that have lived on the earth. So many people have already lived, and not all of their lives have even been recorded. So now you see how tiny and meaningless you and your life is.

But on the other hand, life is wonderful. Needless to say, it's the little things in life that count. :)

How We See the World

Would you like to see the world from a totally different view point. It's much more different than writing a book from an other characther's view. Imagine everything you see day-to-day being seen in a different light. Guess what, there are about seven billion different lights to see the world in. We all see things like nobody else. That how we see things shapes what we are. It is the definition of our id, ego and super igo. It is the thing that creates our personality. It determines where we place a line that we should never cross. For You, your light is much in the same frequency as of the people around you. It is in a similar hue of colour as your friends, family and people who live in your town or city. It's even more so similar to your authority figures, such as (already mentioned) parents, teachers, your favourite quotation authors..etc. But there is no one who has the same perspective on things as you do. Even if you have an identical twin, the way you see the world is not the same. Our view is a collection of different values that we grow up with and we enforce them as we grow older. The thing is that we belive in them. And if we ever question our view...well, it's a part of what you are, in this case an unsure individual.

What it comes down to is that You can never fully understand what another person is trying to tell you. Becuase no matter how they tell things, you will see it all from a different point of view. You will construct the truth using different puzzle pieces. Or should I say, you'll be using the same puzzle pieces, but putting them together in a totally different pattern. Even your approach of how you will put the puzzle together will be different.

All I really wanted to say is that one should never judge anyone.

It's in Your Hands

Feels like my hands are growing bigger. I wash my face with water of rain. It stings. Small drops run down my face. I feel them tickling my neck and I can't help but to smile.

My arms are getting bigger - I'm able to hold my own head. Feels like an absolute mystery. Can you imagine how it is to have your own head in your hands, and have full control over it? It almost feels like a dream, like flying in clouds. And then you want to hold on, but there's nothing solid. It's the sky. So I just keep holding my own head, I can't let it fall.

It's not really a story. More like a confession you see. My arms are eager to hold the entire world. I know I'd trip and drop it on the ground. It would brake into billion pieces and I'd feel like the one who drove the earth over a cliff. I'd have an unbearable feeling of guilt. So I always choose not to take the risk.

I'm too coward.

The rain hits a pause button and my face slowly drys off, while my arms begin to shrink. And the next thing I know, there's surface beneath my feet, and no longer am I holding my head.

Why did I have to let go?

no wonder people believe in the story of God

Hi my fellow worriers.
Life is life and it is so hard to realize that millions of lives can be in the hands of one single person.

A few days ago i went through my biggest "box of memories". It is nothing special, just a shoebox filled with little things (like tiny notebooks, CDs, floppy disks, pins, buttons, name tags, beer caps, etc). Each of these has a shorter or longer story behind it. This post is going to be about a CD that I have from my photography class that I took at the School of the Photographic Arts: Ottawa, the class was called "Youth Perspective". The CD was given to each of the students by the teacher. In there are pictures that changed the world, or pictures that teach a good lesson, or pictures that teach tips and tricks about photography. There is a Power Point presentation that teaches that Plastic Bags are bad and damage the world. There also were a few songs, and also a few links that either teach photography, or have some amazing photographies, or are simply good, there is other stuff too, but I haven't got to that yet. I needed to share this with You!

What I did was I marked all the files in there and pressed "open". Of course the computer was a little upset that it needed to open 74 items all at once, and so was I, but we got through it. At start it launched the Power Point presentation. Pretty impressive, quotes, and, of course, images. Powerful. Then i begun going through the links that opened up. Ok, i'll just add a list of them here. (Not all, since some were NOT FOUND)

• New Internationalist
• New Internationalist - A photographer's code
• Guidelines for Better Photographic Composition
• Edward Burtynsky - Photographic Works
• Photo Composition Articles - Guidelines for Better Photographic Composition
• Itchy Animation - Digital paint - LIGHT
• Amazonas Images
• Adbusters
• Lauren Greenfield - Photography
• Rabble.ca

These are in no order, but You should be able to tell which one is a teaching site and which one is a COOL site to look at (they all are but anyway..).

The one in bold is where i found a video. This video is really heart wrenching and I feel like I need to share with it. Everyone in the world should see this video. (It is a flagged video, so You have to be 18+ to view it, just saying)



It is painful to watch and personally makes me extremely mad!

Referring to the title, it comes to the fact that our lives depend on so much that i start to have a better view on people who believe in a higher power. I don't want to fall there. So I say as long as I have some control over what I do, I will do what ever I can to make this world a better place.

Thank You!

this is where if i was a kid i would go to my mommy and cry my eyes out

No one has ever been against the fact that exams are not an easy thing and not everyone has the privilege to always do good on them (even though this depends on so many (too many) external factors). (Fine, yeah, there are people who disagree, but you get my point.) Days and nights are messed up again and i know for sure that i am still tired and that i do need more sleep before my next exam, (but forget about that).

World issues was a pain in the big intestine and the retina of my right eye. No jokes. (Fine, the intestine part is not true.) I was scheduled to write the exam in room 211 (just like one half of our class). In the same classroom the other half class was a grade eleven Biology (ohh sweet irony). It was the same class where i wrote my English exam last week on Friday and our class was in almost the same rows, and i ended up sitting it the same place as Friday, sweet, don't You think? The teacher who was supervising was not good at what she was doing, but who am i to judge(?) (examples would be that she did not tell the kiddos that they can't have their pencil cases on the table). I was in my exam mood and had just begun the first part of the exam and then out of nowhere (actually not out of nowhere, but from the hall) came a grade eleven guy (no surprise! (no sexism intended)) and said out loud "oh, i guess i'm late" causing a small wave of laughter in the Bio rows (HA HA HA, VERY FUNNY, NO GO AND SIT DOWN!). Well that wasn't enough. An other girl this time, but she was blond (i did not notice the hair colour on purpose, it just stared at me, and no discrimination intended, i'm blond too!), came in the class late. She distracted the exam mood by her funny laugh (yeah, funny.... guess who thought that.. yup, the Bio kids, and one guy specifically, dude, get a room!) that she probably caught from her friend who was even more late for her own exam. So i was extracted. Twice. (DO YOU NEED A SEA OF APPLAUSE BEFORE YOU FIND YOUR SEAT?) After the girl finally sat down i was able to get back to paying attention to my matters.

The exam consisted of four parts. The first was 30 multiple choice questions that were pretty tricky and i needed more time for them then i had thought. The second part was short answer. We had a choice. They gave us a list of 19 terms and we had to pick 10. The short answer had to include what the thing is and how it is important, and mention an example. The third part was (You guessed it) long answer. Again we had a choice (oh, sir, you are fabulous). There where ten quotes accompanied by a question or two (or three). We had to answer four of the ten. Last, BUT not least essay question. Where there is a long question and we had to answer in an essay format (You know, the good old, introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion).

I was back in my writing mood and still on the first half of the multiple choice questions and i felt it coming. There i was in the first half an hour of the exam with a migraine. I wished, i begged it to go away, but it became worse and worse. I asked to go to the washroom (that happens as following, the supervisor teacher calls another teacher that will walk with you to the washroom and back, good they don't actually come in and hold my willy (TAKE A PAUSE FOR THE LAUGH ;D )). The teacher watched me wash my hands and rinse my face. Then we went back to the class (oh how i wish i could have ran away). For a second it really did feel better, i tried to keep my cool hand to my forehead where the pain killed the most. But then it got even worse. It felt like most of the time i had kept my teeth so tight together that they started to hurt. I kept saying myself that i have to finish the exam and then i can go, finish and go, finish and go, finish and go. Soon it had replaced every single thought in my head, even the unconscious thoughts that control the breathing and the common sense. So now i had to remind myself to inhale and exhale. Finish and go, inhale, finish and go, exhale, finish and go, inhale, finish and go exhale. The patterns was extracted by the curiosity of the time. I still had more then one and a half hours till the end. Finish and Go! I started the essay after sitting in my chair and going nothing but holding my head. Thoughts just wouldn't come to my mind even if i pleased them with the idea that this would not continue long. I begun writing it and had to pay attention to every letter, every line i drew. I couldn't. The last pages in my exam where a mess. If one was to find all pages separate, no one could tell that the first page was written by the same person as the last page. I wrote something. No paragraph in my essay contained more then five sentences. But it was done, in this exam i could not have left it blank, it is impossible to not come up with some answer. I did not care about the length (though it did peak in my mind), the structure, the content. All that mattered was that it was done. I put all the papers together handed it in and marked the time when i left, it was two minutes past eleven. I had finished the exam in two hours and seventeen minutes. Just like that another part of the semester had concluded. I went to my locker, got my jacket and boots and left to the bus stop.

It was not too cold outside, but the snow flakes where hitting my brows and melting faster then i could think of them. The wind was blowing in my face. I let it get me colder and colder. I was hoping that the cold could take away the headache, freeze it away. It did, for about one second after that i just felt more pain due to the extreme dose of the cold. The two buses got me home and without thinking i was in my bed. Took me about 40 minutes to fall asleep. Once i woke up the headache was not gone, but i did feel better.

..and the exam just felt like a dream.



Now i was thinking to apply to another university. But i shall see, let's not forget that i still have Biology exam at 8:45 and i have to be in school at least 30 minutes before. It is almost five in the morning now.

I know, i am not a smart person. Tell me something i don't know.

P.S. Hope that the sarcasm along the way did not distract You, but rather enriched the time You spent here.