Sanity

 I think you misplaced my sanity, and now I cannot find it.

We live in an ambiguous reality that is very likely to collapse any minute. We live in a world that, at best, sounds like a poem written by an old, drunk man. We cannot measure the time slipping through our fingers as we go about our mundane routine. We do not see the sun rise or the sun set. We do not get fazed by the moon phases. We're lost without even realising that the path that we're on is circular. We drive cars that drive themselves. They drive us down a cliff. We buy houses to live in, but spend our precious days at the office. We talk about love and respect while conveniently forgetting what's truly important. We dive into our socials as if they have the answers, but they only make us numb. We get so dissociated that we do not even realise we're no longer questioning anything. We become blank pages, we become nothing. If our lives were to be printed, they wouldn't even be white; they'd be see-through, not even tangible. 

I've stopped fighting. You may keep my sanity. I wasn't using it anyway. 

P.S. Isn't it Your birthday today? 

Journal

My thoughts are like a sleeveless shirt - absolute rubbish when it gets cold. Could someone please kindly turn off winter vibes? Pretty please? It's a bit difficult to concentrate when the sunlight is hiding, and when birds don't sing as loud as they do in summer time. Mind goes black as my feet struggle to stay warm in the super cosy warm socks. Memory seems to fail me in short term tasks, just like a summer dress fails to cover ones body. Sometimes I honestly wonder, how can they be called piece of clothing, when nothing is left for ones imagination? One can wonder, right?

I'm trying to write another journal. I've not done that for years now. But thoughts all just boil into a tasteless soup. Many years in the future, I think, I will wonder what the every-day life was like. I'll ponder about what my happiness levels were, and what my thought demons were up to. I want to have something to go back to. Something for myself to remind me how to pretend to be sane in times of madness. I want to have a droplet of hope when pain seems to overwhelm. Like some sort of survival guide, but not really. I want to remember forever what it's like to be me, I don't want to lose myself too much. As these years have passed, I have discovered that I'm not such a terrible person. One must always remain true to oneself, and one must have pride, but also be humble.

End of thought.
Night, night.

This Song

Some weeks ago I came across this song. I think it was playing in a shop or some pub. It washed over me like a wave. I know this song! I looked it up by the lyrics I heard. I was able to find the song, however where ever I was, the connection was very poor. So I took a cheeky screen shot on my phone. And today I came across this picture as i was browsing old stuff on my phone.
It's a song from 2005 by Röyksopp, a duet from Norway. This song gives me a magical sense. It touches the memory pearls like a mother would touch her newborn child. These memories are not tangible, but they are there, I just can't really see them. But i feel them. I feel a sense of wonder, and most definitely heavy nostalgia. It doesn't weigh me down, it leaves me wondering, as if I am in a fairy-tale. All this mystery makes me love this song. It's going on repeat.

Now playing: Röyksopp - What Else Is There

The Woman Without a Shadow

Today I saw a woman without a shadow. She was wearing a purple summer dress. It had a charming flower pattern, and was tied with a thin belt around her waist. She looked nothing but beautiful. As I was in a hurry to where-ever human might be in a rush to, she passed right by me. I would assume she had to be running, the speed was unnatural. But no, she danced by me in a silent melody, almost as if flying by in a plane. She had wings, I believe. How else would you explain that this woman had no shadow?
As I hurried down the side of the road, for that moment I had forgotten where I was going or why I was headed there. I could not stop wonder - what a mystery!
She had a smile of a wild berry. Her cheeks were so pale that for a moment I thought there was snow in summer. Her cute short hair made her look a bit like Amélie. But her eyes were in flames. It was difficult to compute if she was mad as a hurricane or full of pure joy. Her lips were so thin, you could barely tell she had any, they were in a wicked arc, but almost a straight horizontal line. Could not tell if that was a smile or grin.
The moment passed, she had flown passed me in a second. And as I kept up with my pace, there was no way in catching her. There was no way to stop her just for a flash to ask her: "where did your shadow go?"

But then, maybe she never had a shadow, maybe she always has had those wings, ever since she was born.. and she has no idea what it is like to have a shadow. Maybe she is actually in a different reality, but somehow she shines right through all the laws of infinity. Maybe she was lost.. lost on purpose. There's a chance she was chasing someone.. or someone was chasing her!
Was she in danger? Was she an angel being chased by demons? She could have been the demon herself.
Or was she simply aimlessly roaming the streets of my city?

Nenogurt

Kā zvaigžņota lupata man virs galvas plešas debesu valstība. Es esmu aizkustināta. Ir vēss, piebrieduši krūšu gali un es viegli, jo viegli teku pār lauku. Kājas basas, rasa dzeļ pēdās, bet es tik gaisīgi nesos, gandrīz kā lidojumā. Man nav kurp skriet, nav laika, sen iztecējis, vai varbūt nekad tāds nemaz nav bijis. Es esmu vienīgā dambretes dāma - karaliene pati savā pļavā, un neviens man pāri nodarīt nevar. Es elsoju klusi, jo klusi; ir nogurums no nemitīgās dancošanas, bet es nevaru stāties. Es negribu stāties. Man uzsmaida mēness gaišā puse, vai tas ņirgājās, vai patiesi smaida, nezinu. Bet ko gan tas maina? Es esmu karaliene pati savā pļavā. Ir robežas, sēta laikam arī kaut kur ir, bet es nezinu cik tālu. Bieži šķiet, ka teku pa pļavu, kas ir apaļa kā lode, bez malām, bez gala.

Marta said.

So Marta thinks that I should get my shit together and start doing something useful.

It sounds like a very rational idea,
but yeah,
...

NaNoWriMo

November has arrived and I should really at least give NaNoWriMo a try. For those who don't know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. If I recall correctly, it's birthplace is United States, but in the recent years it has become well known around the world. The basic idea of this is to write a novel in one month; the month of November. The rules are fairly simple. The fathers of this idea have estimate that the novel has to be 50 000 worlds long. It can be written only during the month, not a day earlier and not a day later. (If you do do that, then you don't count as a  NaNoWriMo winner.) I really want to try this so bad, and I will give it a shot.. However I have a problem - holiday this month. I'll be practically unable to write after the 18th of November, so my time is slightly shorter that would be expected. I want to be a winner, but I will not be completely disappointing if I fail. What counts is that I will try. :)


Other than that I've moved down the street again, yeah, different place again. Don't know how long I'll be able to stay sane here.. But let's hope for the best. I have to survive this month and then I should be fine. Right?? huh...life.

The Hunger Games

Most people have probably heard about the hunger games; if not the book, then definitely the movie. I just finished watching the movie. The movie was directed by Gary Ross (the guy who also produced and co-wrote the Seabiscuit (2003)). As al had most any other movie that is based on a book, it had quite a few scenes missing, and some characters were cut out as well. But all in all the movie was enjoyable.
I have read all three parts of Suzanne Collin's Hunger Games ("The Hunger Games," "Catching Fire" and "Mockingjay"). The trilogy was a sure easy read and I tackled them in no time. I kept flipping page after page, eager to find out what new, unexpected events will excite me. It was something out of the ordinary, and if you ask me, it was definitely a commentary on our way of living. When I was reading these books some time ago, I remember there were lines that exactly proved my point. And now that I have gone back to find it, here it is. Keep in mind that the story of The Hunger Games is set in the future. Geographically it is based in what we now now as North America, the USA, to be precise. The quotation comes from the last book where the... oh wait, I don't want to spoil things for people who haven't read the books yet. So here it goes:

Frankly, our ancestors have nothing to brag about. I mean, look at the state they left us in, with the wars and the broken planet. Clearly, they didn't care about what would happen to the people who came after them. (p.99)

Some food for thoughts my friends.
Now back to the movie. The actress playing the main character, Katniss Everdeen, (Jennifer Lawrence) did an all right job. Clearly it was not how I saw it in my mind while reading, but it was fairly close. She had the most important characteristics that I noticed in the novel, that was braveness and bluntness. There were two characters that took me by surprise in the movie, they had been portrayed almost exactly like I had imagined them in my mind. First it was Effie Trinklet, she appeared with the blue everything. When I was reading about this character I felt like it was so over board, but then I got used to it. And later we learn that everyone in the Capitol (The 'capital' part of the country) dress like clowns, vaguely speaking. Then the second character that impressed me, and reminded me of the character that was described in the book was Peeta Mellark. He was just the boy I remembered, a cute, but in some way so confident young lad. Peeta's character made me enjoy the movie in a very different light, like watching from a whole new perspective, a simpler one, one that has very little meaning and underlying messages. He represented a simple story with no useless extensions.

Anywho, if You have not read the trilogy, I suggest you do. As I said, it is an easy read and is loaded with exciting turn of events.

Good night.

1st of May

It's yet another month of 2012. It would really be a pain in the arse if the world would end this year, though I would not be surprised. :D

My mom came to visit for a few days. That was very nice since I don't get to see her all that often. You know, me living in a different country and all. So we spent some time together, I skipped work, called in sick. Feel a bit bad for it, but my flat mate claims that I shouldn't be so worried, two days isn't the end of the world. She probably is right. However, I do not like this idea. People know that I would go to work unless I really was sick, that's probably because I was in work some weeks ago when I had a terrible, beyond terrible cold. But really, in the end of the day, it is none of their business why I wasn't at work. Maybe I have mental problems. LOL

Right not I'm having a five minute brake from writing another short story for my new blog. I like the idea that has grown in my head, but it isn't really coming out as it sounds in my head. That only indicates one thing - PRACTICE. I need to write, yup, just keep writing kiddo. Hehe.

Is it in You?

This might seem odd to you that I say this now, after having had this blog, for say, for quite a while now, but here it goes. I have decided that I will write. Writing will be my THING. You know when you're out and about people ask You, what do you do. And from now on my one definite answer will be that I write. I write. As of this emerges my thing for April. I have decided on one thing so far. I can not revile it to you, as I still remain a secretive person. However I can tell you that, if everything goes as planned, then my One-Thing-a-Month for April will be something related to writing.

Wish me luck and endurance, as I'm sure I'll need both. ;)

Happy Easter to everyone celebrating it.
Have a great evening, bye.

Gone for Good

Is it possible to change everything? Just for the night i'd want to be with you, there in your arms. We could pretend that there is no sky. We'd switch off the gravity. We'd fall in love like Romeo and Juliet. We could turn all the clocks sideways so they'd get confused. And so we'd gain more of the precious time. How about we forget the past for a second. What's gone is gone for good; i'd never want that back. But truth be truth: i miss you. No, i simply miss you when you were at your best.
Remember how we danced in the rain. Do you remember how nor the time nor the place mattered, as long as we had each other, we were good for the day. Do you remember talking to strangers like they were our pals. Do you know why it was so? We really were strangers to each other. I loved jumping into other cultures with you, it was great to experience all that with someone who was more than a friend. Do you remember how i refused to hold your hand. It must have pissed you off. My temperament is too hot for you, you couldn't handle me.

Do you remember turning off the lights?

Does any of that ring bells?

How about walking home together and singing odd songs that we both knew by heart. Do you remember how we yelled at each other at the bus stop? Do you even remember what we were fighting for?
I don't..

Do you remember holding my hand while others weren't watching? We got caught, you weren't careful enough. But i know why, i really do. I recall you telling me things that you said no other soul knows. I know you opened up. And even though there was nothing there..not even a second worth remembering, i'd like to spend this one timeless second with you.

You see, we used to dance to sweet music. We always kissed like stars were upon our heads. We lied to each other several times... And once you even said that you loved me.

Es rakstu.

Redz, es rakstu. Es rakstu un rakstīšu; vēl dažus vārdus. Vēlāk, protams, es atkal rakstīšu. Tagad rakstu, ka man Tevis pietrūkst. Jau atkal gribas mājās,bet es tā pat cīnos. Nekas cits jau neatliek.

Jā, man pietrūkst Tevis. Man arī pietrūkst veselā saprāta. Man pietrūkst svaigā gaisa. Man pietrūkst Vecrīgas bruģis. Man pietrūkst Līvu laukuma viļņi. Man pietrūkst Daugavas baloži. Gribu mājās. Gribu bezmērķīgi klīst pa Rīgas ielām. Gribu neuztraukties, un gribu mieru.


Es rakstu. Šoreiz es pat īsti nemeloju, lielos vilcienos tā arī ir; es rakstu.




P.S. Kā reize, šodienas citāts:

"No matter how dreary and gray our homes are, we people of flesh and blood would rather live there than in any other country, be it ever so beautiful. There is no place like home."

/L. Frank Baum/

The Great Lame Ideas

I bought a typewriter. It's blue with black buttons. It's in my room. It smells like history. It is perfect.


The past few days have been quite event-full. Friday I was drinking with some coworkers. Then Saturday morning i got my typewriter. And the evening was spent by drinking with my flat mates. Sunday i had to work, hangover, but alive. Sunday evening was the latvian poker night. Once poker was over we went to a pub. I was home at about three am. Monday, work again. Hangover again. Evening - went to play poker with the Scottish people. And i got the first place out of 20 players. Was an amazing feeling. Then we went to a pub. After that we took a taxi to friend's place. And then i started walking home. I sort of got lost, since i had no clue where i was. I ended up on a highway, i think. That night i had a LOT of beer. Was worth it though. Had a good night. As i was on my way, a cab driver stopped and asked me if i was lost and where i was heading. He gave me a lift home. For free. He said that his work day was over and he was heading home already. And he also said that he feels good for helping a nice person. I couldn't stop saying "thank you"s. Was home by three am, again. Tuesday - work. Gosh, drinking THAT much before a work day was not a smart idea. But i survived. Now i need sleep. But maybe i'll go to Starbucks later to write something.. :)

That's all you get for now folks. Take care my dear friends.

I'm happy!

The Timing's Great ...

I've decided to write a book.

What a way to start a post, don't you think. Oddly brave, not in my style, but it's good to have variety every now and then.

I've decided that I have to change things in my life. I need change, and i'm not talking about getting a new hair cut or buying new clothes. I'm talking about different kind of change, innovative change. For instance, i plan to go sky diving, that's just a plan, but i'll sure do it sometime this summer. I'll also buy a typewriter. Haha. And i'll find a place where i can volunteer on Saturdays.

These changes will come with time, but i'll put in some effort to make them happen. :)

Today i went to the library and got a book about writting a book. Then i went to Starbucks treated myself with a venti cappuccino (who else will treat me if not myself?) I started reading the book that i got from the library. It was wonderful. And they were playing jazz music. Cloud nine. I hadn't listened to jazz in ages.

Today i'm feeling good, really good. I haven't felt this good in an extremely long time. There's still things to worry about, a lot of them, but i'm managing to stay positive. :))