October

The damn time is playing an endless game with me. I just can not catch up. My skull is itchy. The white organic tea (my favourite(?)) is getting cold. The second chocolate chip cookie is lying next to me waiting to be consumed. The weather outside has noticeably gotten colder. When walking at night I see cars covered in water vapour. The sun would be long gone. The mountains that could be seen during the day are gone, almost as if they set with the sun. It's odd. Every year the seasons play this funky game with us, and every year we see it with new eyes. I wonder if this feeling that takes over is one of the good ones, or the ones that should be avoided. It's cold. But I suppose it doesn't necessarily have to be a negative thing. Right?

Sorry, not sorry. I tend to talk to myself like that.

The other day I remembered that a couple months ago I purchased a discounted mixer. That made me think that I would like to make a nice tiramisu cake. But then I remembered that I had purchased some form the shop not more than a week ago. So I decided to forget about that thought. But here I am going through the layers of my memory.

I keep reading these unending travel articles online. We do get the news that we ask for. As it seems, I have surrounded myself in everything travel related. It's my addiction. I can never get enough. They say it makes people happy.

And then this other article one of the most common regrets of dying people was that they wished they had traveled more. That makes me think it will be one off the list once I get older. But I don't really believe in regretting things. I am who I am because of what has and hasn't happened to me in my life so far. And every now and then I meet people that I feel embarrassed for and I think to myself how glad and happy, and lucky I am not to be like that. Sound a bit rude? Maybe arrogant? So what?Everyone is a little. At least I know I'm not perfect. And I am fine with it.

I thought this would be a constructive post, but I ended up babbling about everything and nothing all at the same time. Oh well.

All that because it's October.
Heck, it's October.

And no one woke me up when September ended.
Shame on you.

Le Birthday's Approaching

These days nothing really comes as a surprise, it's been a while since I felt really surprised about something.
Life is changing, a lot. The passed few months have really been a roller-coaster with some real bad downs and some fascinating ups. It's been difficult to stay positive at times, but with the right attitude and while keeping great people close to me, I have managed to come to where I am at now. September, it has arrived. Yet another September. While in school, it used to mean a new beginning. But this time I am having a new beginning without having to go to school. It's ANOTHER start. It's yet another section starting.
I've had more fresh starts than many people combined. Maybe that's what is my thing, starting things anew. Heck knows.

And yes, birthday is approaching, it will be next week. This year it will be a bit special. ;)

Well. My thoughts are still a mess, but some things I am more certain about than others, so that's marvellous.

Song for the mood these days: Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know? 

"'Cause there's this tune I found
That makes me think of you somehow
And I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep"

Nothing is Everything

I know it's bad to write ideas that are difficult for people to comprehend. Such as, nothing is everything. It confuses people and so they feel foolish or dense. As a result they choose not to read the thing and then they forget about it. Maybe they really are foolish for fooling themselves so easily. But there are some rare souls who don't mind the feeling of being tricked. They want to read on the to make some sort of sense out of it. They might not get the idea, but they will get something out of it, because we always see what we want to see and what we want to believe.

And I believe that I am not a people's person. Sure I can smile, say that I'm doing just fine. I will ask you how you're doing, and I will listen in delight.
But real relationships aren't my cup of tea. After the big listening I'll sympathise with your situation, but that's where it stops. I am unable to maintain any real relationship with the people that actually matter to me. I lack that skill.
Maybe I never really tried to develop it. But here I am, with no one I can call my buddy. In an odd way it's soothing. However, sometimes I really wish I had put in some effort to be better at this. Sometimes I do wish to not be a rock. But luckily, that's just sometimes. Mostly I like being a lone wolf.

Ak jūs nolaupītie

To, ko man pasacīja pastnieks vai kaimiņu suns es paslēpšu zem spilvena. Tad kādā naktī, kad man beidzot izdosies aizmigt, es sapņošu par visu to, kas reiz tika sacīts. Mani smacēs domas par nenozagtiem bērniem un aizmirstām zvaigznēm. Es bļaušu spilvenā par to cik ļoti, ļoti man nepatīk, ka aukstās ziemas naktīs no gaisa krīt pretīgais lietus. Bet tas man neko neatbildēs. Es tajā kā ar dūres vēzienu iedzīšu asaras, bet tas neko neizpratīs. Es tam gribēšu nodarīt pāri, gribēšu uzdāvināt sāpes. Bet ko gan spilvens var just?

Īsais plikpauris pasmiesies par manis vārīto kafiju, bet es tam tik nodošu dusmīgu vērienu, kas tas būs aizgriezies prom. Man nerūp ko viņš zin, ko nezin, ko saka, vai ko domā. Man vispār ir vienalga.

Bet man patīk pilnmēnesī vazāties pa pilsētas ielām. Es iztēlojos, ka cilvēki ir sajukuši prātā, jo domā, ka asins spiediens ir uzkāpis augstu. Viņi tic, ka kaut kur kaimiņu mājā tup vilkacis un viņus vēro. Viņi paši nezin, ka vēlas būt nolaupīti.

Let's Talk About it - The Awkward Silence

Somehow a recent chat with a friend brought up the feel about awkward silences. She said that a guy-friend of hers had told her that it's nice to talk to her as there are no awkward silences.

And so I remembered the years when I was in Canada. If you do not know, here's a fact about Canadians: They simply hate the so called awkward silences. They have this constant urge to fill in every second with words. It is like a plague. And if they fail to produce a sound, they, of course, have to apologize for it! It's quite ridiculous. As for me, I'm Latvian, we are very different from Canadians. We like to be quite, and we like to keep to ourselves, some more than others, but in comparison, most Latvians will not like if you talk non-stop.

So very often when I would be in a room with one or more Canadians, they would feel pressured to talk. And, naturally, they expected everyone else to pitch into the conversation. When I did not speak as much as they would like, I could see that they begun to feel uncomfortable. It was like someone was pinching them, or as if someone was saying something extremely controversial, or as if they really needed to use the toilet, but couldn't... like something was seriously bothering them. I have to admit that I made fun of this in my head. They have this urge to produce a useless conversation, it's like an addiction. And if it does not go as planned, they went ahead and kept talking.
What do they talk about, one might wonder.

Weather, that's a no briner. It's always changing, and so is a good chat material. You can talk about it at any given time, as the weather is a continuous thing. Winter is cold and filled with snow, summer is hot, fall is rainy....and so on.

Hockey! They either talk about their favourite teams, or if they don't like hockey, they will talk about how much they dislike hockey! They will also go as far as talking about equipment and different leagues and levels of hockey. All this talk will lead in talking about other kinds of sports (or the dislike of all other kinds of sports). I must add, though, that most Canadians do like sports! Now that, in my opinion, is a good and healthy thing!

They will also talk about what ever is happening around. If it's a chat at work or school they'll talk about tasks, meeting, classes, bosses, teachers, ....etc.

They also will compliment each other. Then the small talk goes into talking about where the certain thing was gotten and they will talk about that thing. For example, if I would have a scarf from a friend, the other person would say: "what a lovely scarf you have, looks good with that jacket! Where did you get it?" To this I will reply that I borrowed it from a friend. The other person would then say: "Oh, really? I do that too sometimes. Me and one of my friends, we swap and borrow things all the time." ... Well you get the point, don't you?

What is my say? I think people should not fill every moment with some pointless conversation. It is highly annoying, and brings no good. I like silences, I love them, and I feel perfectly comfortable when no one is saying anything. I think this should be practiced more often.

Maybe people fear their own thoughts and that's why if there is a silence, they have to call it awkward. ..

Es negribu visā uzreiz atzīties.

Bet man regulāri sāp galva un domās plosās nemierīgs vējš. Man bieži ir bail un gribas paslēpties, tā, lai neviens mani neredz un nekad neatrod. Es raugos cauri netīriem stikliem kā uz manas mātes zemes netiklās miesas sniegpārslas krīt. Tas ir tik maigas kā maza bērna pieskāriens. Man acīs uzplaukst asaras, te skumjas mīt. Bet kaut kur dziļi, dziļi sirdī ir tāds prieks, tāds prieks, ka nesaprotu, kā dienas nepaiet vienos priekos.
Jā, tas tiesa, ka sevi izprast - neizprotu. Ir reizes, kad pati slīgstu savās izplūdušajās domās. Tad es kā maza, vāja buru laiva triecos pret tālā okeāna viļņiem. Manī mīt spēks, bet to pārskalo tās asaras, kas klīst pār maniem vaigiem.
Es pārāk bieži jūtos bezspēcīga. Parasti spēks man palīdz to noslēpt no citiem mirstīgajiem.

Doing This and Doing That

For the first time ever, I truly can not explain my own actions. Usually everything I do made some sense on some sort of  (maybe even messed up) level. But now, now, now... it's a mayor mystery and it's beginning to bother me a lot.

Now Playing: The Doors - Riders On the Storm

Don't Wake Me Up

If I actually do fall asleep in September, make sure to not wake me up.
I can't think straight. I honestly need some REAL rest from everything, yes - every fucking thing. I'm way too exhausted to be functioning as a real human being. I am physically and emotionally tired. I need space. I need time. I need to manage my time, so I can rest.
I have to decide what to do...

Dialogs ar sevi.

-Ko tu dari?
-Es nezinu.
-Kāpēc tu tā dari?
-Es nezinu.
-Ko tu centies panākt?
-Gribu nepatikšanas. 

Vēlētos satikt īsto Mazo Princi un Pieradināto Lapsu!

I've Lost My Superpowers

It seems that I have lost my superpowers. I have looked everywhere for them, but can't seem to find them. Looked in all shelves, in all drawers, behind walls, all secret places, checked it on google. Of course I also went through the city, looked into every brick, in case they were hiding in there.

Honestly, this has never happened before, I tried calling them, but they wont pick up. Should I make a MISSING poster and place it across the city? Should I notify the police? Has anyone had such accident before? Suggestions?

Meanwhile I have to live a regular life, like the most of you do. Sad.

BUT if you stumble upon my superpowers, do not use them, as you will only put yourself and others in danger. Consider yourself warned!
Instead, return them to me where they rightfully belong. 

Let's Go For a Swim

How much would you be willing to give away for the one thing you want the most?
Your money, home, freedom, health, friend, family, happy moments, memories, time, ...
Does that not make you question the things you truly want? Don't you have the things you really "want"?

It's like wanting to know how to swim only when you're in water. It's like being able to talk when you have an important message to tell. It's like being able to run when you need to catch that last bus.

But, hey, why bother to appreciate your swimming skill when clearly you're always on the shore, right?

..or maybe..

Fata Morgana

It's like in the story of the devil and the boy. They were counting to ten, and before they even begun I could tell you that the devil will cheat and that the boy will lose. But how does it really work? Don't you become the loser the moment you break the rules? How about the unwritten rules? Either way, the boy lost and his soul was probably transferred into devil's account. Not that the kid gave a fuck anyway.

So from here we lose count. It doesn't matter what we were counting, why we were counting, ... All that is just useless background information. It's like a mirage, it's there, but it isn't. It's a fata morgana. Illusions appear in our lives without special invitations, they just come and go as they please. The uncomfortable part is that we don't always know if things are real or not. Mostly we assume that everything is either real (like a young child would), or we assume that everything is fake (like a pessimist would). This brings us to a question - in this story, was the devil real? Or was he real only because the perspective we had was that of a kid. Maybe the devil was never there! (?)

You Know Who You Are

I love you because you are awesome,
..you are awesome because I love you!




If I could build a fortress with my bare hands. If I could build a whole palace, just me all by myself.. Would I?
There are infinite questions, and just as many answers (if not even more). But which answer belongs to witch question? I wonder if it is even possible to build a whole fortress by myself.
Would I have enough strength? Who would sponsor it? Would I have to earn it all, just me? Wouldn't I have to learn about building, construction, architecture and all that jazz?

Or could I just get up, take all I need form where ever it can be found, and start building it where ever I feel like doing so?

When you break every day things into tiny details, into steps, when you elaborate the seemingly simple things, it becomes clear that it is not really as simple as might look.

We're not always allowed to do the things we desire just because we desire them. We are forced to think of the other factors. We are forced to think of consequences. We have to think about the others, what will happen to them, how will a certain action affect others.

And sometimes it isn't so easy to just say/write I don't care.
Surprise, surprise. 
I suppose that there are times when I do care.



I'm too tired to think.
I'm too lazy to be bothered to pre-read this post before posting.
I should, since I wrote it over a course of several hours,
but don't want to.
Bite me! 

"This ain't a scene"

Life just keeps flipping around .. every day.
So now I have, what I'd like to call a "pet". Yup, that's definitely what I would call it. As of yesterday Kristaps is living with me. I'm here just trying to be a good friend. But i feel like i'm making the wrong choice.  Eh, what the heck. OMG i just wanna like emm, idk . this sucks. oaefguhjjqrykut6lie39i7mjyehfbgdv

Koka Karote Azotē

Vakar nopirku koka karoti, jo accoding to Kristaps mājās nebija koka karote. Atnākot mājās es konstatēju, ka rosola bļodā ir koka karote, un ne jau tā kuru es nopirku. Man jau patīk, ka, kad Kristapam kaut ko vajag tas pekšņi ir, bet, kad man vajag, tad nekad nekas nav. Es nevaru ciest, ka cilvēki pret citiem izturās kā pret sūda gabaliem un sevi vērtē augstāk par jebko citu.

Tagad mājas ir koka karote. Ir divas.

Bet es te tā pat drīz vairs nebūšu, un savu koka karoti es ņemšu līdzi.
Pie velna viss.

Tagad skan: The xx - Fiction

I am an Apricot

Yeah, I am an apricot. It's a funny story really. I once met an Irish man who told me that anyone could be what ever they wanted to be. So immediately I had to decide what I wanted to be. First thought was to be some kind of superhero. You know having super powers would be awesome. But then I figured that even more awesome it would be to be an animal. Like a giraffe for example. Imagine having the longest neck in the entire universe. How cool would that be?? HuH?

But all in all I decided to be an apricot because it has no responsibilities. It is small and mostly unseen. No one notices it. It is one of countless. But what is even more important, it has no feelings. It does not feel pain, it does not feel love, it doesn't know what disappointment is, it has no clue what it is like to be happy. It knows nothing, and it does not care of anything.

I want to be an apricot because life would be so much easier. And sometimes we all deserve for things to be easy. We all want simple and nice things. Is it really too much to ask for a nice Christmas? I don't need no presents. I want a Christmas tree. I don't need extreme decorations. A neat candle will do the job, and a nice melody that reminds of times when Christmas was really a magical time.

I am an apricot for it has no feelings.

Highway To Hell

It's a complicated story. The trains run one way, and never come back. There are countless floors, but stairs go up only two floors. We see colors, but never appreciate them. We value things only on our own scale. We forget we're not alone. We try, but we fail. We try again, but fail again. Sometimes we succeed, some of us really do succeed, but yet it's never enough. We have gray dreams, and no sense of imagination.
I make him beg, so I can reject you. I torture myself because I believe that's what I deserve. I do things that make me feel like shit. I create pain. I go to bed late and get up early.
I destroy joy.

This is not a complaint, this is not a confession. This is nothing. This is not even true. This is fake as fake as the entire human race.

Will you create a short film for me?
You really shouldn't but you could help me, please..

Inside Joke

I wonder why you have that mixer in your bedroom. Not that I've been in your room anyway. I bet a man can be pregnant. And even more so, I'm sure you're a negro. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife. Well, I'm glad things are the way they are. Ok, bull shit. Fuck everything.

At least I'll be gone from all the crap in my life for some days as of this Sunday. Can't wait.

FREAK OUT

I just found out that tomorrow Katzenjammer are performing in Glasgow!! And I found it out just NOW!! I really want to go see them again (I got to see them live in April, 2011).. But first I have SO much to do, packing and shit. Plus I kind of already had plans for tomorrow. OMG this is so frustrating. Besides, it would be impossible to find someone to go with me... Gosh.. I have to try, I really, really want to go see them. I feel like an utter loser right now. Think girl, THINK!!!

Anywhore.
I'm packing since I will be moving down the street again, yet to another place. This does not seem good in any shape or form..But I don't have a choice right now.. rebghtaqrjy5k7uwtsjh
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arjny75wkiuytjshfyrajk75

Hunt

What happens when we cross the line? What happens when we do more than we have been allowed to? Is there going to be anyone to stop us? Will there really be any guards to stop me from what ever it is I'll do? There is no way of knowing unless we head beyond the boundaries. We have to do what people don't expect of us. I have to do what I don't even expect I would do. I have to smash the glass wall. It shall scatter across your world into countless pieces. It will exist no more. I shall keep secrets as always, but there will be things said and done.. Things that no one really saw coming. There is going to be change; and I am working on; I am preparing for it big time. I am creating a detailed plan, every step of my way is going to be planned to the finest detail. I know I will not follow the plan... But I also know that I'll have calculated all the probable outcomes. I will know how each step I make will change the outcome. To make it far more interesting - - - there is on outcome. There is juts the journey. It's the journey that cunts. It's the journey that matters.

Now you go on with your life, yeah, just do what ever it is you do. Or better yet, do something else, do something better... ;)

I shall be patient and wait for the right moment. I will be like a carnivore waiting in the bush for the right moment to attack. Shhhh.... Don't scare the prey away.


P.S. Guess who's birthday is today?? (Hint: There are two right answers. :P)