Feeling

What is a feeling? I've never really understood what it meant when someone says: "I've got feelings for you." Well, so do I, but what kind of feelings? I don't know. I can feel cold, warm, scared, tired. But what is it like to feel love for another being that is not your family? How is it possible to have any feelings towards someone? I don't get it. This is so confusing. What is love?

How is it possible to have feelings for someone you don't care about? How can you suddenly care of this one person when before there was nothing to care about? Why is this so confusing?

Now Playing: Tegan and Sara - Hello

Right now I feel so empty,

And someday won’t be ending,

Until I’ve done all that I can,

All that.

Until I’ve done all that I can.

One day, it’ll get easier,

'Cause right now,

I feel so simple,

Until I’ve done all that I can,

All that.

Until I’ve done all that I can.

And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

Oh, hello hello hello,

I’m right here.

I’m right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterdays news.

I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.

Oh, my hands hurt from holding your hands.

And I’m young but it’s hard to believe, yeah-e-ah,

That someday I will never see you again.

And you might not believe this,

But you’ve changed me so much.

But baby (baby) it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah. 

But right now I wish I was older,

And right now,

You look so simple.

Now is not my time.

No, no,

Now is not the time,

And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

I'm right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterday’s news.

I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.

Oh, my hand hurts from holding your hand.

And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,

Yeah-e-ah,

That someday I will never see you again.

And you might not believe this ,

but you’ve changed me so much.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

'Cause someday I will never see you again.

I think love doesn't simply appear out of nowhere.

There is no love at first sight.

It's probably lust, a spark, maybe, but it isn't love.

Love grows, from a small seed it grows into a tree.

It's an odd tree, it requires nurture or just good laughs. 

It's complex, every tree is so very different.

But the bigger any tree grows, the tougher it is to cut it down.

One

I am one of a kind, not because that's what they all say. And not because it is original to be different, but because I really am like no one else. There are several things that bring me out of the crowd. Tonight, for instance, it is the fact that I learn from my mistakes.
I made a choice once, and I regretted it. And then I felt silly, since I knew that if I hadn't done what I did, then I would still feel the same, but for different reasons. BUT now, I simply know to not do that again.

I am like no one else because I know what I want and I do everything possible to not achieve it. And when I finally do the right thing, I fail. It's pathetic. (But really it's just Murphy's law.) I'm doomed to fail regardless of any other external (or internal) factors.

I'm tired. I want to go to bed, but I can't; not today, not now. I want to say what I think, but I can't.. and I never will, not about this one thing. It's called life. It sucks on every possible level. And yet I enjoy it, it must be the masochistic side of me speaking.

Anywho, I'd like to say one more thing, no several more things, but not now...not ever.





P.S. Men are stupid. (Just so you don't forget!)

Moving...AGAIN!

Yeah, the title doesn't lie, I will be moving, yet again(!!!) this weekend. I don't have a plan as to how I'm going to move my things. I'll probably end up taking a taxi; the big one, since I have quite a few things to move. Whats even more bazaar is that I will now be living at the almost opposite end of the city. I'll be roughly the same distance away from city center. But now I will have to take the bus every morning to work. Now that's something that will be hard to get used to!

Anywho, it has been an elaborate, exhausting process to find a new place, ie. a new room to rent.
Things will be different, and I doubt they will be better. Yeah, my hopes are not high up. I mean until now, the last two-three moths have been more or less great. No, that's a lie, they have not been great. But it was good, in a really odd way it's been a good few weeks.
Besides living five minute walk away from work has definitely bee a luxury.

Lemonade!

2013 has just begun, and it's already been quite a journey. Problems keep appearing, some out of nowhere. Other problems I seem to fetch out of thin air. You know how I am, I like complicating everything. 

But I've decided to make some lemonade. You know, when life gives you lemons.. ;)

Gotta take what ever I can, and the past few days have been a nightmare, to say the least. So very few good things are happening. None. Zero. Close to zero. Just because I'm positive. And I shall keep this attitude no matter what.

Oh, I just remembered, I've gotta read my letter to myself. And write a new one for the future me. :D

Hehe, maybe I'll do that when things settle down. Now life seems to be a bit of a chaos.

P.S. Is it ok to be an ass to people for own benefit? I don't really do that often, so feels a bit odd. But this person has been an ass to me, so he deserves it. FUck. I don't care. :P

You Should Know This

There is this thing that I have to tell you. You really deserve to know this. However, there are obstacles. There are facts, even digits in this fragile issue. This is not a quantity, this is an issue. It concerns only me and you, and no body else. Which is why I can not tell you. I have to, but my lips are sealed. My voice is mute, I can not say a word, not to you, not about this one thing. So it is easier to avoid you all in one, it is easier to stay astray and doodle off into my own little world. It is actually better this way.

You have to know just this one thing. You deserve that. It's the least I could do to support fairness in this world. But you've betrayed me once, twice, three times.. It became too much to count. So this time, when it really is a matter of your concern, I will make an exception. I will be selfish and put myself first. It might be about you, more that one could think, but it's more so about me. It is me.

I can not tell you. You would not know how to react. You would panic even. You'd lose your head. But me, I've got a special skill to handle such issues. I'll live through it.
I want to share with just one soul, just some one, anyone really. But no one would understand. No one has the ability to understand, even you don't.
I'd tell you. I'd tell you because it would be so much easier for me. I'd tell you because you have a right to know. I'd tell you because just maybe you'd have an opinion, or a previous experience. Maybe we could put our minds together and deal with this.
Who am I kidding? You would never help me out, even if it was for your own good. I can not tell you, for it is a secret. You talk to much, and your mouth is too big. I could not deal with thinking that too many ears know my secret.

So I will keep it to myself, and not tell a single soul. Eventually everything passes, and life returns to a certain cycle. But as I deal with this, all I ask is for you to leave me alone. Leave me be, and don't you dare even ask what's wrong. Because deep down we both know that you couldn't care less about me.

This shall be the second real secret in my life that no one knows. Ever. It will never be written down. It will never be said out loud. It is something that will pass. And maybe, just maybe, I'll forget about it one day.

Koka Karote Azotē

Vakar nopirku koka karoti, jo accoding to Kristaps mājās nebija koka karote. Atnākot mājās es konstatēju, ka rosola bļodā ir koka karote, un ne jau tā kuru es nopirku. Man jau patīk, ka, kad Kristapam kaut ko vajag tas pekšņi ir, bet, kad man vajag, tad nekad nekas nav. Es nevaru ciest, ka cilvēki pret citiem izturās kā pret sūda gabaliem un sevi vērtē augstāk par jebko citu.

Tagad mājas ir koka karote. Ir divas.

Bet es te tā pat drīz vairs nebūšu, un savu koka karoti es ņemšu līdzi.
Pie velna viss.

Tagad skan: The xx - Fiction

Go Up

Everyone is vulnerable, weak, pathetic. We take what is given to us, and very few of us aim, strive for more. We are selfish and naive. There is no person that is a saint.

But when you get too used to all the crap that people send your way, you get tried of turning the other cheek. You simply have no more soul left to punish. You become empty. All the scars are as deep as they can be. So every hurtful thing is like yet another raindrop in an ocean. It gets old. It gets to be the reality.

I am so weak that I can not be wounded any more.
As they say, you have to hit rock bottom to go up, and I've experienced this so much since here in Scotland, that I have to go up now, because there is no other way.

We Were The Best

I don't know why someone would choose to end what we had. We were great friends, and if we all were to meet again, great stories would be born, just like in the olden days. Life changes so quickly, people come and go. While you could not care less for others, some you wish you could keep. Some are awesome, like a rare pokemon card that you simply can not exchange or loose, it is priceless. It brings tears in my eyes to think that some things will never be the way they were. Makes me wonder why? Why is it that some people come in our lives and leave such a footprint that you cannot erase it. Not that I would ever want to erase them, no, but it's also painful to think of how great times were, and now the good things are gone.. And not-so-good things come in place. Eh, friends, such a simple, but complex system. :)

NaNoWriMo

November has arrived and I should really at least give NaNoWriMo a try. For those who don't know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. If I recall correctly, it's birthplace is United States, but in the recent years it has become well known around the world. The basic idea of this is to write a novel in one month; the month of November. The rules are fairly simple. The fathers of this idea have estimate that the novel has to be 50 000 worlds long. It can be written only during the month, not a day earlier and not a day later. (If you do do that, then you don't count as a  NaNoWriMo winner.) I really want to try this so bad, and I will give it a shot.. However I have a problem - holiday this month. I'll be practically unable to write after the 18th of November, so my time is slightly shorter that would be expected. I want to be a winner, but I will not be completely disappointing if I fail. What counts is that I will try. :)


Other than that I've moved down the street again, yeah, different place again. Don't know how long I'll be able to stay sane here.. But let's hope for the best. I have to survive this month and then I should be fine. Right?? huh...life.

Hunt

What happens when we cross the line? What happens when we do more than we have been allowed to? Is there going to be anyone to stop us? Will there really be any guards to stop me from what ever it is I'll do? There is no way of knowing unless we head beyond the boundaries. We have to do what people don't expect of us. I have to do what I don't even expect I would do. I have to smash the glass wall. It shall scatter across your world into countless pieces. It will exist no more. I shall keep secrets as always, but there will be things said and done.. Things that no one really saw coming. There is going to be change; and I am working on; I am preparing for it big time. I am creating a detailed plan, every step of my way is going to be planned to the finest detail. I know I will not follow the plan... But I also know that I'll have calculated all the probable outcomes. I will know how each step I make will change the outcome. To make it far more interesting - - - there is on outcome. There is juts the journey. It's the journey that cunts. It's the journey that matters.

Now you go on with your life, yeah, just do what ever it is you do. Or better yet, do something else, do something better... ;)

I shall be patient and wait for the right moment. I will be like a carnivore waiting in the bush for the right moment to attack. Shhhh.... Don't scare the prey away.


P.S. Guess who's birthday is today?? (Hint: There are two right answers. :P)

Work

Rant. Now I will be ranting about my work. I am so fed up, I don't even know where to begin. Ok, I do know where to begin. Polish. The Polish at my work are a nightmare. For starters they work really slow, are unproductive. They chit-chat more than they actually work. Then the most annoying thing is that they've been living in an English-speaking country for so many years, but none of them can actually form even a simple sentence!!! How am I supposed to work with people who have absolutely zero knowledge of the English language? One of the supervisors in Polish as well. I do not know how long she has been living in Scotland, but she works at this place for more than five years (i know, wtf? right!), and she still hasn't learned simple grammar rules. Every sentence she says is wrong. To make it even better she sings along to the songs on the radio. She sings what she thinks are the right things, which is obviously wrong as hell. Oh god. To continue on the subject of Polish people, there is this fella at work who has a girlfriend (who also happens to work at the same place), but he keeps flirting with me every day. This is so annoying when i don't even find the lad attractive. Ugh.
Also at work there are the two guys that i used to live with, and they can get really annoying and stupid as well. Gosh.
Then there is the management. One of our managers almost never showers, and always stinks terribly. It's pure disgusting. The same man also gets some "excellent" ideas on a daily bases. The problem being that his ideas make our work harder. The other manager has absolutely no respect for other employees. He jokes a lot, that's not bad, of course, but often he crosses the line between funny and offensive.
Gosh I could go on and on about all the things I really dislike at my job. And to make things even better my last salary was missing the wage of a few hours. I went to the higher instances, and told them that I hope this will not happen again. HAhA. They said they would add those few pounds on my next wage slip. Ugh.


P.S. No more slogans.

Edit

"I want to move. It's more like I have to move. The only queation is: To Where?

Now, i'm no fool, and nor do I take you for a fool; there are several options:

Option one, of course, is to not move, i.e. stay in the same flat where I live right now.

Option two is to stay in Glasgow, but to move in with different people and somewhere closer to city center.

Option three is to move elsewhere in Scotland. Maybe more to the East, not quite as far as Edinburgh, but that direction.

Option four is to move down to England.

Option five - move to a new country. If I do choose this option, then I'd probably choose Spain.

Option six is that I move back to Latvia.

Option seven does not exist, yet...

Now, if I am to move, it will not happen in the next few days...not this year that is.

So there, I said it. One more post where I'm legitly telling the truth. Love me."

Jā, iespēja palikt šajā dzīvoklī tiek kategoriski izslēgta, jo nevaru vairs sadzīvot ar Kristapu un Miku. Esmu nosolījusies sev, ka vēlākais līdz Februāra beigām vairs šajā dzīvoklī nedzīvošu. Puiši vienkārši vairs nav izturami!

Open the Door

"Jums ir mīlestība no pirmā acu skatiena?"

Vēl līdz šim brīdim tas viss liekas nenormāli amizanti. :D

Smerdeļi

Es dzīvoju ar smerdeļiem! 

  Edit: As you know it's NaBloPoMo, and I was about to write the post of that day when two of my flatmates decided to distract me and not let me do anything. They really piss me off all the time. It was fun at first but now it's plain annoying.

Kaku lācis.

Ielas noklātas peļķu paklājiem, bet starp ēkām lavās silti saules stari. Pamostoties pus astoņos ir grūti saprast vai diena sen galā, vai arī nu pat sākusies. Tas droši vien tāpēc, ka vakar tomēr sanāca 'iemest sīvo'. Zinu, biju stingri nolēmusi nedzert divas nedēļas, bet, ja ir kompānija tad jau var. Visa šī nedzeršanas pasākuma mērķis bij, lai es gluži vienkārši dzeru mazāk alkoholiskos dzērienus. Mērķis sasniegts, esmu tomēr prātīgs cilvēks, ja pacenšos. Skaidrs, ka varu arī iedzert tā, ka ir forši. Un ko, lai saka, vakar bij ar forši. :)

Bet par to agro celšanos, nezinu, varbūt, ka viens no čaliem ar kuriem dzīvoju kopā pamodās pirms manis un es no viņa ņemšanās un staigāšanas uzmodos. Lai gan man šķiet, ka organisms man ir pieradis ap to laiku celties. Kā nekā, agri ceļos, lai dotos uz darbu. Strādāju sešas dienas nedēļā. You do the math.


Bračka raksta, ka kaķis slims. Infekcija astē. Pašam brālim vaina kājā. Bēdīgi. :(

Turklāt es pati savas muļķības dēļ esmu apslimusi. Neko, dzeru siltas tējas un klepus sīrupu. Viss būs labi.


Ja esi kaku lācis, tad piecas reizes pietupies un tad skaļi nobļaujies, ka šodien ārā saulains laiks.

Lai tā saule spīd. Pēc rīta pankūkām došos uz centru. Bez vakars vēl miglā tīts..


Kā tev labi klājas? ;)

"Negribi būt Mika džeks?"

Tātad, piektdien, kā jau ierasts biju darbā. Visu dienu jūtos kā lapsa kurai būtu pārbraucis pāri traktors. Nē, divi traktori. Īsāk sakot jūtos nelāgi. Sāpēja puncis, un vakar pusē arī galva ievaidējās. Bet par spīti tam aizbraucu kopā ar pāris kolēģiem, šie parādīja vietu kur skaista ainava. Skotijas dabai nudien nav ne vainas. :)) Vakarā gan es laicīgi devos gulēt, bet aizmigt nevarēju līdz apmēram vieniem naktī.

Sestdien sivēns Mikus uzmodināja, kad pārnāca no darba, pulkstens bija pus astoņi. Dienas laikā vēl pagulēt tā arī nesanāca. No rīta cepu pankūkas, protams. Pēcpusdienā noskatījos vienu komēdiju. Vakarā biju līdz centram aizkūlusies. Sākumā bijām krogā kur spēlē dzīvo mūziku un raun vaļā dančus. Vēlāk devāmies uz citu bāru, tur ilgi nesēdējām. Pēc tā devāmies uz klubiņu. :) Vakars bija izdevies ar visu nedzeršanu. Mājās devos kājām, kā jau ierasts. Pārnācu pus četros. Šorīt atkal bij agri jāceļas, lai dotos uz darbu. Līdz ar to tagad esmu pārgurusi.

Plānoju dikti laicīgi doties gulēt.

Āāā, un šodien darbā viens no sivēniem man izklāstīja, ka es Mikum baigi patīkot, un, ka mums vajadzētu būt kopā. Ja jāteic atklāti, man tā viņu ņemšanas jau tiešām līdz kaklam. Šitā turpināt es neļaušu. :P