Le Birthday's Approaching

These days nothing really comes as a surprise, it's been a while since I felt really surprised about something.
Life is changing, a lot. The passed few months have really been a roller-coaster with some real bad downs and some fascinating ups. It's been difficult to stay positive at times, but with the right attitude and while keeping great people close to me, I have managed to come to where I am at now. September, it has arrived. Yet another September. While in school, it used to mean a new beginning. But this time I am having a new beginning without having to go to school. It's ANOTHER start. It's yet another section starting.
I've had more fresh starts than many people combined. Maybe that's what is my thing, starting things anew. Heck knows.

And yes, birthday is approaching, it will be next week. This year it will be a bit special. ;)

Well. My thoughts are still a mess, but some things I am more certain about than others, so that's marvellous.

Song for the mood these days: Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know? 

"'Cause there's this tune I found
That makes me think of you somehow
And I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep"

Where Did Viola Go?

As of January 7, 2015 I am no longer Viola, now I am Marta.
Why Marta, obviously because that is my real name. I have been living in some places online as Violeta Viola. But it's time I face the world as real me.


ALSO, of course, Happy New Year! :)

This is Rubbish

This will be me ranting, consider yourself warned. 

I'm at work now.
This place is seriously starting to get on my nerves. I don't even know where to start.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I work at a hotel as a receptionist. I've been here since end of summer. The job is really fine, I have a list of responsibilities, not just one task to do over and over again. During night shifts I also have to prepare the breakfast. I also have to work in the restaurant as a waitress. And when there is no chef in, then I also have to make food for people. Now this is where the rant starts. Two people went to the restaurant, I tell them that there is no chef in, however, I can prepare something for them form the weekend menu. Now they make a face that makes me think that I've told them something so offensive that they are about to get up and walk away without saying a thing. But no, they just sit there with their... unhappy eggplant faces and unwillingly start to view the Weekend menu. Why the un-satisfaction is aimed at me? Is it my fault that the hotel is low on money? Is it my fault that they can't afford a chef for all times? Is it my fault that due to lack of clients it is inefficient to have the chef in? Yeah, I didn't think so!
Meanwhile I'm hoping they don't pick something that we don't actually have available. In a lucky case, they do pick something I have in the kitchen. Then I ask for drinks. There can be various scenarios;
1) They ask for beer, I ask what kind of beer. Many of them then ask something that they know (example, Carlsberg) - sorry, we don't have that, I can offer you some Latvian beers. - Emm, ok. - Then I usually ask if the want dark or light, and they usually don't know what they want. Other times they ask for draft beer, which is also something we don't have. Then often I bring them the first beer (the brand doesn't matter, as tastes vary from person to person), and they don't like it, and ask something different next time. And then for the third beer they go back to option one, assuming that every next beer I'd offer them would be worse and worse.
2) They ask for coffee or tea. That's not as difficult. The tea simply takes more time, as I need to boil hot water. But then there is no tea that they want. Then they say they don't want sugar, but turns out they wanted it after all, same story with milk.
3) They ask for something that I don't have (and that isn't even in the menu) - for example - fresh juice - any juice other than apple or orange - smoothies - ice cream cocktails - some other random drink.
4) They ask for spirit with something. Well, I am still not aware as to what goes in what glass. Then there is also the issue of lack of right sized glasses. I believe there is about two glasses that fit a shot with a full small glass bottle of coke in it - and they are always dirty. Same thing with G&T, I know I should pour the two together, but I don't have such a glass that fits it all!!!
5) They ask for just water, I believe that in any normal place they'd bring water for no charge, but we give the small bottles, there is 300something ml (or 400somthing, I don't care TBH), and then sometimes they are unhappy that I charge them for water.
6) Cola! Yeah, the cola problem is that about 50% of the time there is no coca cola available, because it is the most requested drink and finishes very fast once delivered. So here the question is, why not order more?? You gain more in the long run!!!
So then they pick something to eat, salad, soup or some hot dish, what ever it is, I have to go and make it for them. But wait! Who's doing my real job? Who's working at the reception, you may wonder! It's me! I'm supposed to be everywhere doing everything.
Now here is more bullshit - the reception is open 24/7, for guests that is ideal! But for us, not so much. There is a lot to do in the morning, and a lot in the evening. But middle of the night and middle of the day are usually quiet and there is nothing to do. So you sit on your ass for some hours and then you have to run like a horse for the rest of the time.
I often get comments form the guests asking/wondering how it is that I am all alone and have to do all the tasks. Well, I wonder too!

And who knows? Maybe it's time to get a new job?! I work hard, and I really try to do things well, but the thing is that nobody cares, no one seems to notice that you do so much. And the salary is an absolute joke! It's like a spit in the face. I can't imagine how I'd survive if I was living all by myself. It would be a nightmare.

Anyway, my shift is over in ten minutes. Then I'm going home for some sleep, since I've not had a normal night sleep for a week now. Oh, my colleague will be late, isn't life great?!

Fuck weekends. Fuck work. Fuck men. Fuck people. Fuck music. Fuck the sunlight. Fuck the moon and the tides. Fuck the polluted oceans. Fuck life and fuck death. Fuck all this bullshit.

I'm not satisfied with life today and everything seems to be wrong, everything makes me sad.
I don't even want to apologize for all the swearing.

--Basta.

How?

Why bother with love
when there are so many broken hearts?
It makes no sense,
and it makes me question life.

It makes me wonder why humans are so weak,
why are we mortals so fragile?
We melt like sugar,
and we break like a thin pieces of glass.

We are so full and empty all at the same time.
We have a gift - life, and then we ride through it.
We break at the moments when we have to stay strong.
We give up and forget.

Us, humans, we forget the important thing.
At times we hide away from the truth,
we cry and we let it all out.
Or we trap it all inside of us.

When there is no certainty on our planet,
how can we know;
how can we know
that it's right to go on?

Step One

News Flash: 2014 is going to be packed with change, because that is the only way I know how to live, how to survive. But with all that there come new challenges, different kind of challenges, some bigger, some smaller, some significant, some less important. Either way 2014. is going to be a new year and I want to make it a good one. Bite me. There will be hate, there will be tears, but I can handle it.

2014

It's here!
2014 has arrived. And change is about to happen. I would tell you what change, but I am pretty good at keeping secrets, so there is no way I'm telling you.

Either way kiddos, stay cool. :D

Random - Santa Claus

So I saw an image on facebook. (this one)

And randomly I thought, how does taking off the mans beard prove that Santa is not real? I mean, one can always shave his beard and change his clothes. Theoretically, a child knows that, and if we were to ever tell a story about Santa changing his clothes, or shaving his beard, then he would believe it until you were to tell him otherwise, and even then, he might think you're lying.

What I'm saying is, that just because we have a different clothes on, or different hair style does not mean that we become a different person. You feel me?

Where?

Bare hands. Bare soul. I am naked and I don't know where I'm standing. I feel raindrops climbing down my nude body. There is nothing to share, there is nothing to hide. I am here, no more, no less. What you see is all you get - no secrets. I am exposed to all that comes to me, and there is no place to hide. This is it... This is what I've been waiting for. I never wanted this to happen, but I knew it had to happen, it had to be this way, things had to change some day.

With nothing to give, with no excuses, with the most basic elements missing, I am lost and yet there where I have to be. I have the opportunity to start anew. I am on a new journey and I am not turning back. There is no point in turning back as at any moment I can take a turn. Yes, a simple turn. And that I will do, I will go right and left, left and right, I shall take many different paths on a journey that has no end.

I am gone. I am here.

To Build

I've realized one thing, and I know it's true. While I thought that my life was empty in Glasgow, it was the exact opposite. I had a real world, I had a life. I built so much and never realized it. I wanted more, and didn't even know what. I wanted something, while I had so much. I built a real life and then I simply left it all behind with no regrets, no nothing; I stood up and left to never look back. But here I am now realizing that I had more than I knew. How do I see it now? Because here I am on a blank page, and I'm realizing that I have to build everything anew, EVERYTHING! New job, new memories, new friends, new school, new relationships, new ideas, new ideals, new hobbies...... NEW FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!! When I think of all the time and effort I put into my previous life, I come to think if i will even have the strength to make it all happen. The environment here is very hostile, I thought I was coming home, but it doesn't feel like it. I have zero sense of belonging, I feel like in the wrong place... I feel like I'm just passing by, that this is not what I left everything behind for. This just can't be it. I'm paralysed, confused, out-of-space, I'm just not here; mentally I'm else where and I don't know where. I don't know where I belong, or even if there is a place where I belong.

One-Way Track

I've been on this trip for almost a month now. I'm sad that it will be over. This time has allowed me to think, think so far out of the box, so far from what I had been used to..
Often I think about the choices we make in life. We make them every second of every day, even in our dreams we still make choices. Then we see the outcome. We buy a new shirt, and we see that it looks good on us, and people like it. We say something controversial and someone in the crowd reassures that that is a great way of thinking. We decide to speak to a stranger, and he turns out to be a wonderful person. We take no umbrella when the weather-man said it will rain, and it turns out to be sunny all day. We decide to cross the street on a red light because we see no cars around. .. But what is the choices we make bring bad consequences? WHAT IF the shirt we got will look bad on you? What if no one back up your opinion? What if the stranger turns out to be a psychopath? What if it starts raining cats and dogs on a day when you don't take the umbrella? What if a car comes from around the corner and doesn't see you when you cross on that red signal?

Life is so trivial, so fragile, the smallest things can change who you are and what you will do. But how can you know if you make the right choices in life? By trying of course, you should always try new things, take the risk. You will either succeed or you will gain experience and some sort of perspective. You will then try again, try something different, or try a different approach. But what if it is too late? What if the choice we made is there for good, can't be undone, or altered? What if we make the wrong choice and see it when it's already too late? We go down a one way track and there is no way back.

I like to think that there is a way out - through different doors. I believe it's important to not get stuck, there is always a way out. There is always new things to try, new journeys to be made. So it comes down to DOING things, to stay out of the comfort zone, to try new things, taking risks. It comes down to changing yourself by yet another gram. One day I will not know who I was, I will be a different person. This journey has changed me a lot, it has proved to me things I never knew possible, it has showed me how possible it is to do something when you actually get up and try. It has given me hope about people and myself. Most importantly, it has risen doubts about things I always was very certain of.

Gym

Life keeps changing around me. There are some things that remain constant, however, there are also things that don't stop changing. I keep changing in ways I never thought possible, outlook on life keeps changing as well.

You know how there is people who talk a lot about doing something. Well I'm one of them. But in some ways I've finally begun actually doing stuff. I should't get too excited though, since there still are many plans that I have not completed yet, for instance, letter for future me, or finishing reading this book I started several months ago. What I am saying is that there is still a lot of place for improvement, and I know I am getting there.

So here is my gym story. I finally joined a gym, that happened on the 28th of February (the day my third nephew was born (: ). And I've been attending the gym not less than four times a week for seven weeks now (for those who are looking at the logistics, the first week was before I even joined, went there on a guest pass). I love it there! Keeps me out of the flat, keeps me feeling good. Soon after joining I started to go to Zumba classes on Tuesday mornings. And now I'll start to go more often in the mornings. Doing some cardio in the morning is a great way to start the day. I go to many other classes too, my favourite is Body Attack. Plus I've also begun to eat breakfast on a daily basis. I've built some muscles that I never knew I had. I feel stronger. 

I've met a guy there at the gym, and he asked me out. But I can't seem to care to reply to the last text message. He asked me out despite the fact that I told him about my plans of moving soon. He is nice, smart even (a rare bread!), but I don't like where it's going. So I don't know if I'll get back to him. I'll see him at the gym when his tattoo heals, and it will be awkward at first, but I'll get over it. 

My brother is here for four weeks now. He's not found a job yet, and is starting to annoy me a lot. I know I could be more supportive, but the way his first two weeks went here, I just can't be bothered. He has to try harder, but he is not doing anything. This morning my flatmate was asking him if I'm at work, and he replied not yet. I was raging! He sits about the house all fuckin day, and I am home one day in I have no idea how long. He still hasn't fucking learned that I'm off every Saturday. I know it's a little thing, but all this shit is piling up, and I keep it in, because I know he is my bro and I can't be a bitch. I wish he was actually looking for a job. FUCK!!! He's not doing anything. How does he not understand that I can't fucking keep supporting him? 

 

Lemonade!

2013 has just begun, and it's already been quite a journey. Problems keep appearing, some out of nowhere. Other problems I seem to fetch out of thin air. You know how I am, I like complicating everything. 

But I've decided to make some lemonade. You know, when life gives you lemons.. ;)

Gotta take what ever I can, and the past few days have been a nightmare, to say the least. So very few good things are happening. None. Zero. Close to zero. Just because I'm positive. And I shall keep this attitude no matter what.

Oh, I just remembered, I've gotta read my letter to myself. And write a new one for the future me. :D

Hehe, maybe I'll do that when things settle down. Now life seems to be a bit of a chaos.

P.S. Is it ok to be an ass to people for own benefit? I don't really do that often, so feels a bit odd. But this person has been an ass to me, so he deserves it. FUck. I don't care. :P

Hunt

What happens when we cross the line? What happens when we do more than we have been allowed to? Is there going to be anyone to stop us? Will there really be any guards to stop me from what ever it is I'll do? There is no way of knowing unless we head beyond the boundaries. We have to do what people don't expect of us. I have to do what I don't even expect I would do. I have to smash the glass wall. It shall scatter across your world into countless pieces. It will exist no more. I shall keep secrets as always, but there will be things said and done.. Things that no one really saw coming. There is going to be change; and I am working on; I am preparing for it big time. I am creating a detailed plan, every step of my way is going to be planned to the finest detail. I know I will not follow the plan... But I also know that I'll have calculated all the probable outcomes. I will know how each step I make will change the outcome. To make it far more interesting - - - there is on outcome. There is juts the journey. It's the journey that cunts. It's the journey that matters.

Now you go on with your life, yeah, just do what ever it is you do. Or better yet, do something else, do something better... ;)

I shall be patient and wait for the right moment. I will be like a carnivore waiting in the bush for the right moment to attack. Shhhh.... Don't scare the prey away.


P.S. Guess who's birthday is today?? (Hint: There are two right answers. :P)

"I'll be a killer whale when I grow up"

I'm all grown up now. Or not. Either way I have become a killer whale I am a terrible human being and I could not care less. A part of me actually wants to go home, but then I realize that I want to go back home to a home I used to have as a kid. I want all the old memories to resurface, and I want the future to be built upon dreams and imaginations. I hate change when it comes so suddenly. To be quite frank, change makes me sad and depresses me, which is why I like change. I have a vague, crazy plan in mind for le future.

I adore simplicity, it's something that I've never truly understood since I have a tendency to complicate every little thing.


blahhhhhh

Me, Myself and I

I will make this year more than any other year "everything about me and I". I will have ONE THING PER MONTH that is going to add another ckeck-mark to my life's TO DO LIST. (I'll label this idea as "my month", so that later i can follow up on it.) I have something for January, it will happen next week, but i'm sorta keeping a secret for now. (Although it is super exciting!!) For February I plan to move, still struggling about where to... For March I have a vague idea as well. Really need to go through with it. But I don't plan on spilling the beans as to what this idea is. But for the following months I still don't have any plans, but they'll come, don't worry. Besides, planning out everything kinda takes away the thrill of it.

Other than that I have already changed. I've progressed, and more than anything I hope this is not gonna just be periodical. I hope to not fall back in a booring routine. I have to keep up with this.

Meanwhile, I'm listening to Jazz, watching French movies, working out or jogging, and reading books of an odd type of anthropology. I'm growing again. :))

2012

I've stepped back. Last year at this very same time i was at a very different place. Now i'm at the bottom of the wheel of fortune. I'm not sure if it's my foult, or it's the society to blame. What's the difference anyway? So many things have happened since the begining of 2011, some good ones, but all in all the sad ones over-weigh the positive things. I've lost my mind several times, i've lost everything i ever had. I feel like the only leaf left on a bare tree branch. I feel like i've betrayed myself. There is thit constant pain in me that screams that i could have done better. I need a change. I need a turning point. I need an epiphany, one that is WAY outside the box. One that no other being has come up with. I need a change that will kill all the sad bacteria that's growing inside of me. I need a vaccine, a pill that would take me away from this madness. I need to open my eyes. I need to change my attitude. I need a plan. Not a plan, but a simple outline for the year.

Basically i want things to be different, i.e. anything BUT how it has been last year.

Happy new year everyone.

What's your new years resolution?

I'm Scared

I'm scared that one day i'll lose everything i've got. It makes me want to cry. Leaving all the rubbish aside; i'm not talking about money, or the things i have. I'm afraid that i'll lose other things. Friends, for instance, i've had them come and go. Of course, i'm the one who is coming, then leaving. But it hurts my gut every time i have to say goodbye.. Because so many of the goodbyes have been the last ones. I'm scared i'll lose my health, and everything around it.

As much as i love change, it's not always easy to handle things. Change is good, since routine is a killer. But it's nice to have certain things that stay the same..or similar at least.

Have to learn to be more brave.

The Timing's Great ...

I've decided to write a book.

What a way to start a post, don't you think. Oddly brave, not in my style, but it's good to have variety every now and then.

I've decided that I have to change things in my life. I need change, and i'm not talking about getting a new hair cut or buying new clothes. I'm talking about different kind of change, innovative change. For instance, i plan to go sky diving, that's just a plan, but i'll sure do it sometime this summer. I'll also buy a typewriter. Haha. And i'll find a place where i can volunteer on Saturdays.

These changes will come with time, but i'll put in some effort to make them happen. :)

Today i went to the library and got a book about writting a book. Then i went to Starbucks treated myself with a venti cappuccino (who else will treat me if not myself?) I started reading the book that i got from the library. It was wonderful. And they were playing jazz music. Cloud nine. I hadn't listened to jazz in ages.

Today i'm feeling good, really good. I haven't felt this good in an extremely long time. There's still things to worry about, a lot of them, but i'm managing to stay positive. :))