Change, Change, Change, and Again CHANGE

I'm not talking about the change you get when you pay with a bill for something that is worth less and then you get change back. And I am not talking about me changing, I've talked about that a lot before, but not now...well not really.

Summer has just slipped through my fingers. It was so much to hold, so much to bare, and so much to live with (now). But now summer is over. It is over length wise, since I've been celebrating summer ever since I quit my job in Scotland. And if anyone knows, that happened at the near-end of May (!!!).

I then had my amazing cycling trip, which has so far been the best choice I've made in my life. I gained more than I ever expected to gain from such a trip. Some things to mention, I challenged myself; it was a real physical and mental challenge. I met some really amazing people, and a great diversity of people. I got to stay with people and see how things differ between neighbouring countries in Europe. I had plenty of me-time, I had time to think, I had time to worry, and most important, I had time to be happy!

Once I arrived home I had to change my point of view, I had to change who I was. I had been living totally independently for the last two years, and I had been living away from everyone I knew for three years. So now I had to adjust to a different life, I was (am) now dependant on other people, and as I am present here I have much different expectations from other people. I celebrated Latvian midsummer, got to see Song and Dance festival events, I met people that I hadn't seen in a while, I went places where I hadn't been, I got a job in a hotel... AND I signed up for university and luckily got accepted into Sociology!

Then August came and I was yet again set free (by none other than myself) to go on another trip. This one was of a much different nature, and I did not travel alone. I went with a friend-of-a-friend and we went on a hitchhiking trip through several countries. We begun our trip by taking a plane to Milan. From there we went to Slovenia, Austria, Slovakia, Hungary, Ukraine, Poland, Lithuania, and eventually back to Latvia. This trip took us two weeks and two days. It was, again, a really nice trip. I got to see places where I had been when I was younger, I got to see places where I had not yet been, and I got to see roads that I had cycled not too long ago. It was a diverse trip, we had ups and downs along the way, but all in all, we were happy. We had no terrible accidents along the way, and no life threatening situations. We met some folks that we might see again someday.

When I arrived back to Riga, I hosted some people from couch surfing. That, of course, again, was new for me, a very interesting experience to be the host, not the surfer. I showed people the city, we had some drinks, and I cooked some meals. I also met a special person that changed a part of me, or should I say he changed the way I see certain things. It was a very happy and sad encounter - an all-in-one, if you may.. It was great! I got back to work, went to theatre, met people, went out of the city couple of times, participated in Latvia's Universities student celebration...

And now it is September. I have yet again begun school. It has just begun and I feel like I'll like it, I might even love it! I know how to manage my time, and I know what to do to get good grades, and how to learn as much as humanly possible.. now it is simply up to me to use all the previous experience and knowledge for my own advantage, and then things will keep up, things will be good again. I'll be a busy bird, and in my experience, the more I have to do, the more I get done. So yeah, you want me to do something, sure, no probs, BRING IT ON!!!


So that's my amazing summer in a summary... but I could honestly write an entire book about the last few months! 

To Build

I've realized one thing, and I know it's true. While I thought that my life was empty in Glasgow, it was the exact opposite. I had a real world, I had a life. I built so much and never realized it. I wanted more, and didn't even know what. I wanted something, while I had so much. I built a real life and then I simply left it all behind with no regrets, no nothing; I stood up and left to never look back. But here I am now realizing that I had more than I knew. How do I see it now? Because here I am on a blank page, and I'm realizing that I have to build everything anew, EVERYTHING! New job, new memories, new friends, new school, new relationships, new ideas, new ideals, new hobbies...... NEW FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!! When I think of all the time and effort I put into my previous life, I come to think if i will even have the strength to make it all happen. The environment here is very hostile, I thought I was coming home, but it doesn't feel like it. I have zero sense of belonging, I feel like in the wrong place... I feel like I'm just passing by, that this is not what I left everything behind for. This just can't be it. I'm paralysed, confused, out-of-space, I'm just not here; mentally I'm else where and I don't know where. I don't know where I belong, or even if there is a place where I belong.

One-Way Track

I've been on this trip for almost a month now. I'm sad that it will be over. This time has allowed me to think, think so far out of the box, so far from what I had been used to..
Often I think about the choices we make in life. We make them every second of every day, even in our dreams we still make choices. Then we see the outcome. We buy a new shirt, and we see that it looks good on us, and people like it. We say something controversial and someone in the crowd reassures that that is a great way of thinking. We decide to speak to a stranger, and he turns out to be a wonderful person. We take no umbrella when the weather-man said it will rain, and it turns out to be sunny all day. We decide to cross the street on a red light because we see no cars around. .. But what is the choices we make bring bad consequences? WHAT IF the shirt we got will look bad on you? What if no one back up your opinion? What if the stranger turns out to be a psychopath? What if it starts raining cats and dogs on a day when you don't take the umbrella? What if a car comes from around the corner and doesn't see you when you cross on that red signal?

Life is so trivial, so fragile, the smallest things can change who you are and what you will do. But how can you know if you make the right choices in life? By trying of course, you should always try new things, take the risk. You will either succeed or you will gain experience and some sort of perspective. You will then try again, try something different, or try a different approach. But what if it is too late? What if the choice we made is there for good, can't be undone, or altered? What if we make the wrong choice and see it when it's already too late? We go down a one way track and there is no way back.

I like to think that there is a way out - through different doors. I believe it's important to not get stuck, there is always a way out. There is always new things to try, new journeys to be made. So it comes down to DOING things, to stay out of the comfort zone, to try new things, taking risks. It comes down to changing yourself by yet another gram. One day I will not know who I was, I will be a different person. This journey has changed me a lot, it has proved to me things I never knew possible, it has showed me how possible it is to do something when you actually get up and try. It has given me hope about people and myself. Most importantly, it has risen doubts about things I always was very certain of.

Feeling

What is a feeling? I've never really understood what it meant when someone says: "I've got feelings for you." Well, so do I, but what kind of feelings? I don't know. I can feel cold, warm, scared, tired. But what is it like to feel love for another being that is not your family? How is it possible to have any feelings towards someone? I don't get it. This is so confusing. What is love?

How is it possible to have feelings for someone you don't care about? How can you suddenly care of this one person when before there was nothing to care about? Why is this so confusing?

Now Playing: Tegan and Sara - Hello

Right now I feel so empty,

And someday won’t be ending,

Until I’ve done all that I can,

All that.

Until I’ve done all that I can.

One day, it’ll get easier,

'Cause right now,

I feel so simple,

Until I’ve done all that I can,

All that.

Until I’ve done all that I can.

And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

Oh, hello hello hello,

I’m right here.

I’m right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterdays news.

I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.

Oh, my hands hurt from holding your hands.

And I’m young but it’s hard to believe, yeah-e-ah,

That someday I will never see you again.

And you might not believe this,

But you’ve changed me so much.

But baby (baby) it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah. 

But right now I wish I was older,

And right now,

You look so simple.

Now is not my time.

No, no,

Now is not the time,

And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."

I'm right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterday’s news.

I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.

Oh, my hand hurts from holding your hand.

And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,

Yeah-e-ah,

That someday I will never see you again.

And you might not believe this ,

but you’ve changed me so much.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.

And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.

Yeah, yeah.

'Cause someday I will never see you again.

I think love doesn't simply appear out of nowhere.

There is no love at first sight.

It's probably lust, a spark, maybe, but it isn't love.

Love grows, from a small seed it grows into a tree.

It's an odd tree, it requires nurture or just good laughs. 

It's complex, every tree is so very different.

But the bigger any tree grows, the tougher it is to cut it down.

A Week Ago

It's been a week since I moved. And just about yesterday I realized that I've lived in four places in the last 12 moths. How crazy is that? It's a rhetorical question, no need to answer. It seems like all I've been doing is looking for a new room to rent.
Anywho, I really hope that this place will be satisfying enough to not have to move again any times soon. At least not while I'm in this city.
I moved to a place where I was least likely to move to. A flat on the other end of the city, meaning I have to take public transportation in the morning to get to work. (I am a person who can not stand crowded buses!!!) Before I used to walk almost everywhere, but now I have a bus pass, so I choose to take the bus even if for a short distance.
Second is that I live with one person, a guy, from a different ethnic background. While originally I was looking to live with more than one person, since I've always believed it is more fun to live with more people. While I don't necessarily like people with me all the time, i like knowing that there is someone in the house. And well, I chose a flat that is not very cheap, the rational part of me would have gone with a not-so-good flat with cheaper rent.
So I contradicted myself in every way, chose something that I was least likely to choose. This surprised not only me, but people around me as well.

Last Saturday I was out with some friends, and got home at around 3 am. I had to be in work on Sunday, so I went straight to bed to get at least a little sleep. At 7 am there were police officers banging at the door (welcome to the neighbourhood), they had received a call from my flatmates cell phone, and they had come here to check if everything was ok. However, my flatmate wasn't home, so it was quite frustrating. The police, and I called him several times, but he refused to share his location. It was so confusing!!!
But in the end everything turned out well, and I even made it on time to work.
On Monday was poker night, but Bar 10 was closed and no one had been informed that it will be shut for the night. So we all just went to a casino to play poker there, but i had little luck and lost soon. Played some Blackjack, that turned out to be fun, since I got some money out of it! :P
Rest of the week went by pretty well. Work is like usual, just getting to it is a hassle, ..no it's not a hassle, but ugh, i just dislike going to work by bus. When it's time to get home, it literally takes ages. OK, NO it does not, but it takes long. I don't like this. But I'll get used to it.
On Thursday I bought pizza. Had watermelon for dessert. And topped the evening with loads of Youtube videos (enjoyed the unlimited wi-fi).
Friday I went out with two gals. The club was alright, but one of the girls got sick soon, and started disappearing on us. So we found her and had to call it a night a bit earlier than expected. By the time I got home I too got a bit sick. Probably because too much drinks had been mixed (wine, champagne, gin, apple sourz....). And today I had a bad hangover, I don't usually get that.. It was not a pleasant morning. Spent rest of the day watching Big Bang Theory and Bones.
My life really seems empty at the moment, maybe I need a new hobby, or just pick up an old one...?

One

I am one of a kind, not because that's what they all say. And not because it is original to be different, but because I really am like no one else. There are several things that bring me out of the crowd. Tonight, for instance, it is the fact that I learn from my mistakes.
I made a choice once, and I regretted it. And then I felt silly, since I knew that if I hadn't done what I did, then I would still feel the same, but for different reasons. BUT now, I simply know to not do that again.

I am like no one else because I know what I want and I do everything possible to not achieve it. And when I finally do the right thing, I fail. It's pathetic. (But really it's just Murphy's law.) I'm doomed to fail regardless of any other external (or internal) factors.

I'm tired. I want to go to bed, but I can't; not today, not now. I want to say what I think, but I can't.. and I never will, not about this one thing. It's called life. It sucks on every possible level. And yet I enjoy it, it must be the masochistic side of me speaking.

Anywho, I'd like to say one more thing, no several more things, but not now...not ever.





P.S. Men are stupid. (Just so you don't forget!)

Moving...AGAIN!

Yeah, the title doesn't lie, I will be moving, yet again(!!!) this weekend. I don't have a plan as to how I'm going to move my things. I'll probably end up taking a taxi; the big one, since I have quite a few things to move. Whats even more bazaar is that I will now be living at the almost opposite end of the city. I'll be roughly the same distance away from city center. But now I will have to take the bus every morning to work. Now that's something that will be hard to get used to!

Anywho, it has been an elaborate, exhausting process to find a new place, ie. a new room to rent.
Things will be different, and I doubt they will be better. Yeah, my hopes are not high up. I mean until now, the last two-three moths have been more or less great. No, that's a lie, they have not been great. But it was good, in a really odd way it's been a good few weeks.
Besides living five minute walk away from work has definitely bee a luxury.

NaNoWriMo

November has arrived and I should really at least give NaNoWriMo a try. For those who don't know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. If I recall correctly, it's birthplace is United States, but in the recent years it has become well known around the world. The basic idea of this is to write a novel in one month; the month of November. The rules are fairly simple. The fathers of this idea have estimate that the novel has to be 50 000 worlds long. It can be written only during the month, not a day earlier and not a day later. (If you do do that, then you don't count as a  NaNoWriMo winner.) I really want to try this so bad, and I will give it a shot.. However I have a problem - holiday this month. I'll be practically unable to write after the 18th of November, so my time is slightly shorter that would be expected. I want to be a winner, but I will not be completely disappointing if I fail. What counts is that I will try. :)


Other than that I've moved down the street again, yeah, different place again. Don't know how long I'll be able to stay sane here.. But let's hope for the best. I have to survive this month and then I should be fine. Right?? huh...life.

FREAK OUT

I just found out that tomorrow Katzenjammer are performing in Glasgow!! And I found it out just NOW!! I really want to go see them again (I got to see them live in April, 2011).. But first I have SO much to do, packing and shit. Plus I kind of already had plans for tomorrow. OMG this is so frustrating. Besides, it would be impossible to find someone to go with me... Gosh.. I have to try, I really, really want to go see them. I feel like an utter loser right now. Think girl, THINK!!!

Anywhore.
I'm packing since I will be moving down the street again, yet to another place. This does not seem good in any shape or form..But I don't have a choice right now.. rebghtaqrjy5k7uwtsjh
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It's the End of the World as We Know It

Every day a piece of You dies. A little, tiny piece of you suffocates, then disappears to never return again. About 50% of the time you die with it, and the idea that a part of you is gone brings you down. It keeps you back, it holds you behind and doesn't let you succeed, progress. So we end up as failures, as the injured souls, as the ones who lost the fight, when there wasn't one to begin with. It's much like a chicken - egg situation, or the nature-nurture debate. Despite what you want (or, in fact, what you need), a piece of you dies, and you are forced to accept it no matter what. If you don't, you're the loser!
The other 50% of the time it's a good thing that a part of you dies. We take it as a hint to move on, and so we do that. Often it might be something we were trying to get rid off in the first place, there fore you are satisfied and are able to move on. Either way, you must learn to leave certain things behind. In life everything changes. A wise guy once said that the only thing that is constant is change.

And so, because this is MY blog, and I WANT it to be all about ME! This is where I can be as selfish as I want and there ain't anyone who can judge me for it.. AND SO, my problem is that I'm scared to leave certain things of the past behind. I want to hold on to things as a security kind-of thing. I need my past to reassure that even when I fail miserably, I'll have my rescue boat right by my side. I'm a coward.

When I talk to You, I feel like I'm talking to a stranger. Suddenly everyone is a stranger. I'm a stranger to myself. I can't seem to put things together. I refuse to accept the reality.

I don't know how to live, I've lost it.

I exist.

Move

I want to move. It's more like I have to move. The only queation is: To Where?

Now, i'm no fool, and nor do I take you for a fool; there are several options:

Option one, of course, is to not move, i.e. stay in the same flat where I live right now.

Option two is to stay in Glasgow, but to move in with different people and somewhere closer to city center.

Option three is to move elsewhere in Scotland. Maybe more to the East, not quite as far as Edinburgh, but that direction.

Option four is to move down to England.

Option five - move to a new country. If I do choose this option, then I'd probably choose Spain.

Option six is that I move back to Latvia.

Option seven does not exist, yet...

Now, if I am to move, it will not happen in the next few days...not this year that is.

So there, I said it. One more post where I'm legitly telling the truth. Love me.

I'm Scared

I'm scared that one day i'll lose everything i've got. It makes me want to cry. Leaving all the rubbish aside; i'm not talking about money, or the things i have. I'm afraid that i'll lose other things. Friends, for instance, i've had them come and go. Of course, i'm the one who is coming, then leaving. But it hurts my gut every time i have to say goodbye.. Because so many of the goodbyes have been the last ones. I'm scared i'll lose my health, and everything around it.

As much as i love change, it's not always easy to handle things. Change is good, since routine is a killer. But it's nice to have certain things that stay the same..or similar at least.

Have to learn to be more brave.

This is What I Wish to Give to You ..

Ever heard of something called nothing?! Well, that is what I am going to give You. Don't be upset, it is nothing personal. Let's face it - I have no idea who You are and I have not even a clue of where You are. So there is no chance of me giving You anything at all. I am very sorry for that.

You see my life has been changing so much that I can't even tell You it all. First I know when I will be leaving Canada. That will be happening very soon. Too soon. But before that comes, there will be goodbye parties, thankfully. Also, I still have to finish my summer school classes. Yeah, I might have never mentioned that before. I am taking summer school to boost up my average, so that I can get into the University.

Now a while ago, I graduated. Yeah, I managed and I survived (as You can see). Many of my friends have left already and it makes me sad to my guts and I feel like crying when ever I think of it. My best friend in Canada left last week, I never realized how good friends we were until the last few times that we met. It is almost insane, unimaginable, but true. I am gonna miss him so much. [See, my eyes are filled with tears now!! :'(] But we had some great times together and I will never forget it all.

The other day I found a letter that I wrote for myself at the beginning of my last school year (to be precise, 8th of September, 2009). I started this tradition on the February of 2007 when I wrote one that had to be read on the December of 2007, but I only read it in 2009 September. The last letter was to be read now, or in June. It described how my life was then and what I think of the thing that were happening. To keep the tradition rolling, I wrote a new letter. That one has to be read no earlier that 2011 August. I wrote some bullshit there, but I might blog about it, when I read it.

I still have so much to do in a very short time period. I have to pack, not only to go to Latvia, but also pack ALL my stuff. I have one suite case that I will have with me when I go now, while all my other things will be travelling only in November. Other than that I still have loads of stuff to do regarding to my education. As I mentioned, I still have to finish summer school. The last day is Monday the 26th of July, so only a week left. Exams are on this Friday. All I can think about is how I can kill myself before Friday (joking, I do not want to kill myself)! As summer school will be done, my next BIG step will be university, but I still have some things to sort out regards to that, send in applications to live in residence, as well as get in the university (since I got a conditional offer from two universities). I am scared that I will not get into my first choice, but I really want to, so let's keep our fingers crossed.

One more thing. Saying goodbye is so hard!! Yeah, I have done that before, but as I get older it gets harder since that bond I create with people is much stronger and way more meaningful. It pains me so badly that sometimes I cry only because of the idea that I will never ever see them again. Oh well.

So goodbye for now, but I promise You will hear form me again some time. I know I have become a lazy blogger lately, but I barely can find any time or inspiration to write anything, so please forgive me.

Oh and by the way, I hope You all are very into my SONG OF THE DAY blog. I have not ditched that one, not yet!

i am moving

im not moving. not away from rideau street*. But im moving away from this blog!
..talkin psychology now- i changed the name n language of the blog not because i didnt like it the way it was, but because i was hopin that it would reduce the desire to make a new blog. I want a new blog. Almost like a new start. gues it is because school is almost over. And through out this year i have changed so much! more then i can even imagine!! (more then anyone can)
This year was terrible in some ways, but great and eye opening even more! All i wish right now is that i could start this year (meaning school year) from the beginnig with all the knowledge i have now. ..but i guess that is what ppl call expirience and learning. eh?
So. This is probably not the last post here. Not yet.. but it is coming.. soon you will hear from me no more!
wish me luck for the exams.

p.s. I did great in my last drama presentation yesterday! My partner and I worked well on the dialogue and we presented it even better then in any rehersals. I think that made a nice conclusion to drama this year!! (cuz, as i said before, this year WAS terrible, even in drama for some assignments)..

pps. had a nice walk/ride home, but you will not know what i mean.. ;)

*rideau street- some random street in this city
(i would write mine, but i don't think i should!)