Journal

My thoughts are like a sleeveless shirt - absolute rubbish when it gets cold. Could someone please kindly turn off winter vibes? Pretty please? It's a bit difficult to concentrate when the sunlight is hiding, and when birds don't sing as loud as they do in summer time. Mind goes black as my feet struggle to stay warm in the super cosy warm socks. Memory seems to fail me in short term tasks, just like a summer dress fails to cover ones body. Sometimes I honestly wonder, how can they be called piece of clothing, when nothing is left for ones imagination? One can wonder, right?

I'm trying to write another journal. I've not done that for years now. But thoughts all just boil into a tasteless soup. Many years in the future, I think, I will wonder what the every-day life was like. I'll ponder about what my happiness levels were, and what my thought demons were up to. I want to have something to go back to. Something for myself to remind me how to pretend to be sane in times of madness. I want to have a droplet of hope when pain seems to overwhelm. Like some sort of survival guide, but not really. I want to remember forever what it's like to be me, I don't want to lose myself too much. As these years have passed, I have discovered that I'm not such a terrible person. One must always remain true to oneself, and one must have pride, but also be humble.

End of thought.
Night, night.

Bring Me To Life

I used to feel this way many years ago. The feelings have begun to return. It is weird, bad and good at the same time. I did something stupid, again. Memories arise. They have grown old already, covered in wrinkles and dust. I had placed them in far corners of my mind, so to never greet them again. But here I am, flipping through them like a child flipping through the pages of a new colouring book; ready to attack with divine new colouring pens. I have no idea what I want.

I just exist. 

 Now Playing: Evanesence - Bring Me To Life

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

2012

I've stepped back. Last year at this very same time i was at a very different place. Now i'm at the bottom of the wheel of fortune. I'm not sure if it's my foult, or it's the society to blame. What's the difference anyway? So many things have happened since the begining of 2011, some good ones, but all in all the sad ones over-weigh the positive things. I've lost my mind several times, i've lost everything i ever had. I feel like the only leaf left on a bare tree branch. I feel like i've betrayed myself. There is thit constant pain in me that screams that i could have done better. I need a change. I need a turning point. I need an epiphany, one that is WAY outside the box. One that no other being has come up with. I need a change that will kill all the sad bacteria that's growing inside of me. I need a vaccine, a pill that would take me away from this madness. I need to open my eyes. I need to change my attitude. I need a plan. Not a plan, but a simple outline for the year.

Basically i want things to be different, i.e. anything BUT how it has been last year.

Happy new year everyone.

What's your new years resolution?

3. marts

Šodien ir trešais marts, Martam šodien vārda diena. Vai tu pazīsti kādu zēnu vārdā Marts? Es nē. Bet būtu forši kādu zināt. "Marta satika Martu," jeb arī "Marts satika Martu." Tev taisnība es te galīgi sviestā runāju. Atceros, ka daudzkārt cilvēki domājuši, ka man martā ir vārda diena. Es pati savu vārdu nekad neesmu asociējusi ar marta mēnisi. Es jau sāku putroties pa martām un martiem. Viss.

Vakar uznāca nostaļģija par visu kas bijis. Sarakstīju veciem draugiem vēstules. Šodien ar vēl pāris uzrakstīju. Kas zin, atbildēs vai nē, bet nu uzrakstīts ir. Ir grūti izdomāt ko rakstīt, kad sen neesmu sazinājusies ar konkrētiem cilvēkiem. Tā pat gibas, lai abild, nu vismaz vienu vēstulīti. Gan saproti mani (?).

Par nostaļģiju. Domāju par vecajām skolām, gaiteņiem, skolotājiem, klases telpām, klases biedriem.. Par pārtraukumiem, par mācīšanos, un nemācīšanos... Par ballītēm, nogurumu, eksāmeniem.. Pat par krītu un flomasteriem. Par teju visu iedomājos.

Tad prātā iečāpoja atmiņas par Straupi. Biči rauda uzmetās.. Bet tad armiņu jūra. Šūpoles, Džimis, siena kaudzes, zemenes, kazees, arbūzi.. Brasla, zivis, makšķerēšana, Dzirnavnieks, grāvis, ..BLĒŅAS! . naglas, dēļi, sarūsējuši darbarīki, Pelīte, veikals, pietura, bedre uz kaimiņu pusi, slota, metāla bļoda, virpa, mušu pletne, televīzors, sērkociņi, zole, cepumi, podziņas, vasara, ogu lasīšana, ĀBOLI, gliemeži, smilšu kaste, burkāni, kalna 'nometne', tēja, piparmētras, vērmeles, pulkstens, bēniņi, Miki pele, žurkas, pagrabs, bietes un kartupeļi, saldējums, vārda diena, Jāņi, Līgo vakars, lietus, dārzs, ... atmiņas.

Atcerējos Itāliju.. Marmora grīdas, skola, uniformas, pokemoni, reksis, eglīte, Kolizejs, vasara, Vatikāns, ūdens krāni, dators, papīra lidmašīnas, blēņas, zobi, asaras, Līgo pantiņi, lazaņa, tira mi su, miegs, sarkana gulta, kaila glezna, lielais galds, biļete, jūra, viļņi, saule, metro, tramvajs, nogurums, ah-kleita, tirdziņš, persiki, arbūzi, zaļumi, zivis, somas, lakati, Trevī, SALDĒJUMS, pica, šauras ielas, grāmatas, tūristi, Jaunais gads, policisti, priesteri, māsa, šampanietis, ciemiņi, vilšanās, mašīna, ceļojums, Kapri, šokolāde, kaktuss, konfektes, gada grāmatas, angļu valoda, WWF, tirdziņi, Angelo, mīkstās futbola bumbas, čells, dejas, brilles, dzimšanas dienas, dāvanas, zinātne, uzlīmes, gotiņas, spēles, burtnīcas, zīmuļi, lidmašīnas, autobus, Varšava, miegs, zvaigznes, nakts, kalendārs, vēstules, kartiņas, ROMA, ... ...

Atcerējos arī par daudz ko citu, bet man liekas, ka nav veselīgi pārāk daudz domāt par bijušo.

Tagad jāmācas, jādomā par tusiņiem un puišiem, un jādomā par mācībām, par darbu nobeigšanu, par ēst gatavošanu, un par daudz, daudz ko citu... Es tač jau pirms mēneša atvadījos no pagātnes tomēr. ;]


Es iešu kaut ko padarīt. Paka.