Don't Wake Me Up

If I actually do fall asleep in September, make sure to not wake me up.
I can't think straight. I honestly need some REAL rest from everything, yes - every fucking thing. I'm way too exhausted to be functioning as a real human being. I am physically and emotionally tired. I need space. I need time. I need to manage my time, so I can rest.
I have to decide what to do...

Change, Change, Change, and Again CHANGE

I'm not talking about the change you get when you pay with a bill for something that is worth less and then you get change back. And I am not talking about me changing, I've talked about that a lot before, but not now...well not really.

Summer has just slipped through my fingers. It was so much to hold, so much to bare, and so much to live with (now). But now summer is over. It is over length wise, since I've been celebrating summer ever since I quit my job in Scotland. And if anyone knows, that happened at the near-end of May (!!!).

I then had my amazing cycling trip, which has so far been the best choice I've made in my life. I gained more than I ever expected to gain from such a trip. Some things to mention, I challenged myself; it was a real physical and mental challenge. I met some really amazing people, and a great diversity of people. I got to stay with people and see how things differ between neighbouring countries in Europe. I had plenty of me-time, I had time to think, I had time to worry, and most important, I had time to be happy!

Once I arrived home I had to change my point of view, I had to change who I was. I had been living totally independently for the last two years, and I had been living away from everyone I knew for three years. So now I had to adjust to a different life, I was (am) now dependant on other people, and as I am present here I have much different expectations from other people. I celebrated Latvian midsummer, got to see Song and Dance festival events, I met people that I hadn't seen in a while, I went places where I hadn't been, I got a job in a hotel... AND I signed up for university and luckily got accepted into Sociology!

Then August came and I was yet again set free (by none other than myself) to go on another trip. This one was of a much different nature, and I did not travel alone. I went with a friend-of-a-friend and we went on a hitchhiking trip through several countries. We begun our trip by taking a plane to Milan. From there we went to Slovenia, Austria, Slovakia, Hungary, Ukraine, Poland, Lithuania, and eventually back to Latvia. This trip took us two weeks and two days. It was, again, a really nice trip. I got to see places where I had been when I was younger, I got to see places where I had not yet been, and I got to see roads that I had cycled not too long ago. It was a diverse trip, we had ups and downs along the way, but all in all, we were happy. We had no terrible accidents along the way, and no life threatening situations. We met some folks that we might see again someday.

When I arrived back to Riga, I hosted some people from couch surfing. That, of course, again, was new for me, a very interesting experience to be the host, not the surfer. I showed people the city, we had some drinks, and I cooked some meals. I also met a special person that changed a part of me, or should I say he changed the way I see certain things. It was a very happy and sad encounter - an all-in-one, if you may.. It was great! I got back to work, went to theatre, met people, went out of the city couple of times, participated in Latvia's Universities student celebration...

And now it is September. I have yet again begun school. It has just begun and I feel like I'll like it, I might even love it! I know how to manage my time, and I know what to do to get good grades, and how to learn as much as humanly possible.. now it is simply up to me to use all the previous experience and knowledge for my own advantage, and then things will keep up, things will be good again. I'll be a busy bird, and in my experience, the more I have to do, the more I get done. So yeah, you want me to do something, sure, no probs, BRING IT ON!!!


So that's my amazing summer in a summary... but I could honestly write an entire book about the last few months! 

I. Want. You.

There are so many things to say, and yet they'll remain unsaid. There are so many things that I would want to do, that will remain undone. There are just too many words willing to fly right in your face. But I'll hold back, and not say a single word. There are too many memories that can not be erased. There are silly rules and laws. And then there is You. Someone who is there, and then you're gone again. You say one, but who the hell knows what you're thinking.
Too much's been said, so I shall stay silent for now. But one day we'll talk; face to face, heart to heart. We'll talk it all out, so there'll be nothing more to say. But deep down I know that no matter how we part, we'll find a way to see each other again and again and again.

Different

It's yet another last day of YET another year. I hope it's the best one for all of us, me, you and everybody else. I hope it feels like a never ending firework. I hope it's like a constant orgasm. I wish you that every single day goes by with the thought that it was the best day so far. May all your dearest wishes come true. I really wish for world peace, so that we all live in harmony and accept each other just the way we are. I hope I learn to be more welcome, and more patient. I hope only good things will happen. And if anything bad does happen, we should take the best of it and add it to life experiences. I want 2012 to be different than any other year. I want to do things that I haven't done, and make it memoriable. Truly, may it be the best so far!

Gone for Good

Is it possible to change everything? Just for the night i'd want to be with you, there in your arms. We could pretend that there is no sky. We'd switch off the gravity. We'd fall in love like Romeo and Juliet. We could turn all the clocks sideways so they'd get confused. And so we'd gain more of the precious time. How about we forget the past for a second. What's gone is gone for good; i'd never want that back. But truth be truth: i miss you. No, i simply miss you when you were at your best.
Remember how we danced in the rain. Do you remember how nor the time nor the place mattered, as long as we had each other, we were good for the day. Do you remember talking to strangers like they were our pals. Do you know why it was so? We really were strangers to each other. I loved jumping into other cultures with you, it was great to experience all that with someone who was more than a friend. Do you remember how i refused to hold your hand. It must have pissed you off. My temperament is too hot for you, you couldn't handle me.

Do you remember turning off the lights?

Does any of that ring bells?

How about walking home together and singing odd songs that we both knew by heart. Do you remember how we yelled at each other at the bus stop? Do you even remember what we were fighting for?
I don't..

Do you remember holding my hand while others weren't watching? We got caught, you weren't careful enough. But i know why, i really do. I recall you telling me things that you said no other soul knows. I know you opened up. And even though there was nothing there..not even a second worth remembering, i'd like to spend this one timeless second with you.

You see, we used to dance to sweet music. We always kissed like stars were upon our heads. We lied to each other several times... And once you even said that you loved me.

He wants to make love fuck, I want to chop his balls off!

I knew this would get Your attention! (And boys probably thought to themselves how cruel and inhuman that would be.) I don't want to know.

I wonder if it is a bad thing that I keep flirting with him when all I can think about is how I will make him fall. Or should I just forget about him? Naa, I want to see him in pain. Yeah. I am a very, VERY sadistic person, but I simply can't help it.

To be honest, it is hard to stop thinking about him. Why? Maybe I lie and the truth is that I want what he wants. Honestly, even I don't know the truth!

P.S. Don't freak out! I am not being serious about the ball chopping!