Hello dragonfly, what time is it?

My thoughts have been wandering places again, and it has led me here. I've missed you, my dear dragonfly. Lately, I've been thinking about time again. How it's fluid and solid depending on what is next saved in your google calendar. I've taken out the trash, Wednesday is long gone. I've input the October appointments. It's all so bleak. Why is time always strategically trying to screw us? What did we do to it to deserve such betrayal? It remains silent to my endless sea of questions; it just keeps ticking forward and never back. 

I want to scribble my thoughts, so I have some snapshots of today's memories. I don't want them to just disappear into the nothingness that we call life. Today is my day off. These last couple of days the weather has been miserable. We had more than a fair share of summer this year, I must be honest about that. The sun was spoiling us, or was it global warming? Who knows anyway(?). I don't like to get up to too much on days off, I don't like to disappoint myself. We had a lovely date night yesterday though, yes, despite the weather being absolute shit. Any time spent together feels way better than a boatload of sun anyway. The feeling cannot be written down, it can not be expressed, not even drawn. It's beautiful at its core, heart-warming shells around it, and draped in wholesome happiness... Something like that, but waaaaay better. I can honestly say that I love that man more and more each day. 

Work has been alright, dare I say it, it's actually been good. It has its challenges, and not-so-great-days, but I don't feel as bad before going to work. I don't know what it is. I bet it's all in the head, I can't let my thoughts run wild without a leash. They go to bad places. I get shit days too, when everything seems to be failing and falling into the wrong places, and just when you think that things cannot possibly go worse, life throughs a brick straight to the face. These days happen, and I think getting through them is what has created this feeling that it's better now. Is it better now, or is it just an illusion? 

I miss people, I miss family and friends in Latvia, and it honestly breaks my heart. It sucks, sucks a fuckton. 

Right, time to put the leash back onto these thoughts and wonder other corridors of this head of mine. 

Come, take my hand and let's go for a walk in this wonderful rainfall, the flooded streets, the sun teasing avenues.

 

This Song

Some weeks ago I came across this song. I think it was playing in a shop or some pub. It washed over me like a wave. I know this song! I looked it up by the lyrics I heard. I was able to find the song, however where ever I was, the connection was very poor. So I took a cheeky screen shot on my phone. And today I came across this picture as i was browsing old stuff on my phone.
It's a song from 2005 by Röyksopp, a duet from Norway. This song gives me a magical sense. It touches the memory pearls like a mother would touch her newborn child. These memories are not tangible, but they are there, I just can't really see them. But i feel them. I feel a sense of wonder, and most definitely heavy nostalgia. It doesn't weigh me down, it leaves me wondering, as if I am in a fairy-tale. All this mystery makes me love this song. It's going on repeat.

Now playing: Röyksopp - What Else Is There

SONGS II

In the past few weeks (ever since I puplished SONGS I) I have been compelling a list of songs that bring back good memories, or songs that I simply like a lot. So here is what I have for now minus the ones I have already posed in SONGS I.
Again, there will be no order to them, just a list of songs.

Evanescence - Bring me to life
Daft Punk - Get Lucky
Harry Nilsson - Put The Lime In The Coconut
Maroon 5 ft. Christina Aguilera - Moves Like Jagger
Robin Thicke ft. T.I., Pharrell - Blurred Lines
ABBA - Mamma Mia
Meat Loaf - I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)
Avril Lavigne - Sk8er Boi
Avril Lavigne - Complicated
Anastacia - Left Outside Alone
Flo Rida - Good Feeling
Ugly Kid Joe - Cats In The Cradle
Katzenjammer - A Bar In Amsterdam
Lori Liberman - Killing Me Softly With His Song
Peter Gabriel - Sledgehammer
Bryan Adams - Please Forgive Me
Prince - Purple Rain
UB40 - Red Red Wine
Eminem - Superman
The Police - Every Breath You Take
Guano Apes - Open Your Eyes
Marc Cohn - Walking In Memphis
Toy-Box - Tarzan & Jane
Shakira ft. Alejandro Sanz - La Tortura
Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)
Takida - Curly Sue
John Legend - All Of Me
Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Are Made for Walkin'
Status Quo - In The Army Now
Alice Cooper - Poison
B.o.B ft. Hayley Williams - Airplanes
No Doubt - Don't Speak
Antonio Banderas & Los Lobos - Canción Del Mariachi
Joan Osborne - One of Us
Madonna - You'll See
Roxette - Queen Of Rain
Roxette - Real Sugar
The Cheeky Girls - Take Your Shoes Off
Toni Braxton - Un-Break My Heart
Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood
ABBA - Take A Chance On Me
Sinéad O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2U
Björk - It's Oh So Quiet
Vengaboys - Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!!
Hoobastank - The Reason
Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal
Spice Girls - Wannabe
Britney Spears - Oops! I Did It Again
Annie Lennox - No More 'I Love You's'
Whitney Houston - I Have Nothing
Ruslana - Wild Dances
Loreen - Euphoria
R.E.M. - Orange Crush
OK Go - Here It Goes Again
Kings Of Leon - Sex on Fire
The Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love?
Robbie Williams - Feel
John Lennon - Imagine
Mary J. Blige, U2 - One
Europe - The Final Countdown
Gareth Gates - Anyone Of Us (Stupid Mistake)
Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - I Love Rock N Roll
Avicii - Hey Brother
Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
Alanis Morissette - Ironic
Labrinth ft. Tinie Tempah - Earthquake
Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts
Evanescence - My Immortal
The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony
Lana Del Rey - Summertime Sadness 
Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, Nayer - Give Me Everything 
Modestep - Sunlight
Metallica - Whiskey In The Jar
Sean Paul - She Doesn't Mind
Rihanna Ft. Jay-Z - Umbrella
Bruno Mars - When I Was Your Man
Lady Gaga - The Edge Of Glory
Stings - Fields Of Gold
Smash Mouth - All Star
Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya, Pink - Lady Marmalade
Adele - Chasing Pavements
Etta James - I Just Want To Make Love To You
Imagine Dragons - Radioactive
OneRepublic - Counting Stars
OneRepublic - Stop And Stare
Shakira ft. Rihanna - Can't Remember to Forget You
Calvin Harris ft. Ellie Goulding - I Need Your Love
Johnny Cash - Hurt
Johnny Cash - Ring Of Fire
David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj - Turn Me On
Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull - On The Floor
Rihanna ft. Calvin Harris - We Found Love
Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al
Spin Doctors - Two Princes
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Amy Macdonald - This Is The Life
Icona Pop ft. Charli XCX - I Love It
Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want To Have Fun
Ed Sheeran - The A Team
Owl City - Fireflies
Ed Sheeran - Lego House
Tim Berg - Seek Bromance
Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over
LMFAO - Sexy And I Know It
Adele - Rolling In The Deep
Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You
Christina Perri - A Thousand Years
Swedish House Mafia ft. Tinie Tempah - Miami 2 Ibiza
Justin Timberlake - Mirrors
Flo Rida ft. David Guetta - Club Can't Handle Me
O-Zone - Dragostea Din Tei
Elvis Presley - Jailhouse Rock
Rihanna - Diamonds
Rihanna - Pon The Replay
Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch
Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Californication
King Charles - Love Lust
Queen - Bicycle Race
Flobots - Handlebars
Sting - Englishman In New York
Natalie Imbruglia - Torn
Tina Turner - What's Love Got To Do With It
Scorpions - Wind Of Change
Eagles - Hotel California
Bryan Adams - Summer of 69
Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer
Michael Jackson - Man In The Mirror
Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger
The Script ft. will.i.am - Hall Of Fame
Mattafix - Big City Life
Coldplay - Paradise
Phil Collins - In The Air Tonight
Midnight Oil - Beds Are Burning
Oasis - Wonderwall
Lenny Kravitz - American Woman
The Beatles - Yesterday
John Denver - Leaving on a Jet Plane
Ray Charles - Hit The Road Jack
Slash ft. Fergie - Beautiful Dangerous
Terrorvision - Tequilla
K'Naan - Wavin' Flag
Depeche Mode - Free Love
Matchbox Twenty - How Far We've Come
Shakira - Waka Waka
Los Del Rio - Macarena
Loona - Bailando
Crazy Frog - Axel F
Fall Out Boy - My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)






Thant's all --- For now! ;)

I miss you

It seems like all I do my whole life is I miss people. I am so used to this empty space in me, just every day I can count so many people that would want to see. It's like, when someone asks: "What do you do?" the reply would always be "I miss people." What is even worse is that you don't get used to it, not in a good way I mean, you don't adjust to it. It just hurts, sometimes less, sometimes more, it carves your soul like a child would carve a pumpkin on Halloween. Plus there is the factor that I can't really do anything about it. It's not like hate that you can consciously decide to let go. It's not like falling in love, that over time can fade away. They are memories and feelings, a combinations of so many things, and also, of course, the fact that you don't want to let those feelings leave. I don't want to not miss all those people. Of course, it is amazing to have so many awesome people to miss, but it truly hurts that most of them are so far away. Sometimes I think about what we'd be doing if we were side-by-side. And then in some cases so many years have passed since I last saw the person, it's like I don't actually know them. I knew them, and that's the image that's drawn in my mind, the old one. We all change, but in some ways we remain the same, at least in certain memories. I will not lie, I have tears in my eyes. I am very lost at the moment (not literally), and I have no idea which way to go.

Anywho, missing people is beautiful, but at the same time it can be very sad.
Meh, that's all.


Oh, and also, side note, 5 years ago on 7th of December, I joined Blogger.com (blogspot.com). WOW! 5 years! And this is still the first blog I made, and still the one where I post most often.

Riga!

In the past week or so I have been contemplating about my relationship with Riga. Yes, you understood that correctly! I feel like I have a love-hate things going on here, and I hope to tell you why it is that I feel this way.

When I returned home this summer, I thought that it is the absolute right thing to do, that it will make me and my friends and relatives happy. And so it did! But there is more to this seemingly simple skit. To begin off, I want to make it clear that I am happy to be able to see people whom I didn't see when I was abroad, I am happy to hear Latvian language on the streets, I am happy that I have a sense that I am where I belong, I am happy to play with my nephews, I am happy to roam the streets of this city of wonders.

And yet, there is a feeling of eternal sadness to this place. I was on the bus to work this evening and I was thinking about how it is possible to have such mixed feelings about a city (or anything really).

Why is it my home? It is where I was born, and raised as a child, at least most of my childhood. It is the place where I learned the primary human skills, walking, reading, loving, caring, language .. It is where I begun school. It is where I had my first boyfriend. Riga has always been the place where I can return, it was always the place where I was from, and there would always be things waiting for me. Almost every block in this city brings up countless memories that have made me who I am today. There have been sad days, events, happening, and quite the opposite. I have attended celebrations here, I remember that when I was a kid I was dragged through the old town on the 18th on November to see the fireworks. I recall drawing chalk drawings on the pavement in the park. I remember the adventures I had as a kid with my brothers, water-gun wars with other neighbourhood kids, playing in the backyard of our house, building snowmen in the winter, collecting  chestnuts after kinder garden, we did all kinds of pranks at home, and pissed off our parents. Oh, and how I loved playing with dolls and getting mad at my brother We had our first pet, we wanted one so badly, and then one end of summer there was a small kitty waiting for us at home. Then we grew, I grew, and the city grew as well. Things changed, and doing silly pranks was no longer timely, we had "bigger" and "better" things to do. School got more serious, friendships got more valuable, parents got wiser. Then came the first parties, first experiments, and serious things, like making science projects, attending extra curricular activities, etc.

And then I was gone for seven years, and during all this time Riga was my home, it made me proud to say that that is where I come from. So naturally it became more and more dear to, it was a special place, where everything would be great! That is why I returned here this summer, I returned here to stay here for good. But over this roughly half a year that I've been back I have realized something, the city isn't what I thought it was. It is a sad place, it grows memories like mushrooms. This made me wonder, how many memories can one place hold? I have a feeling that I have made myself believe that Riga is the place to be, but in reality, it isn't so, not at all. It is my personal pit hole, my doom. I want it to be more, I hoped and dreamed that it was bigger that it actually is.

Let's face it, Riga is just another city in the game of globalization, it is a small, tiny piece of the puzzle called world. It is hard to believe that I have fooled myself to believe that is is a magical place.

This is where the two world collide, this is where I do not know how much I really hate or love this city, my city. I get confused and it makes me frustrated.

Either way, I am here now, but as people have told me along the way, there is a huge possibility that I will not last here for long, I will want to run away again.

Wasp

Memories are scattered in my mind. I feel like a wasp that is trapped on the wrong side of the window. I feel like a part of me should not exists. I sense a constant struggle between myself and I. I do not know where the real world stops and where imagination starts. I really don't know how much of my life is real. Is anything really real? I'll keep living this post reality life, not because it is easier, it's really not. But because that is the only way I know how to survive. You can be a jealous cat, or an idiotic asshole, I really don't care. Nothing that You do can change the way I am. You may think otherwise, but here I am; I'm playing my game by my rules. You don't like something...well, sucks for you, cuz I could not care less. So go, kid, play.

Motivation as My Pet

Life changes. Ideas are born, and soon they die. What makes an idea sustainable? What is it that some ideas remain with the root in my mind, and then they never leave? How do they manage to stay there? I can't find anything that the few things have in common. What is it, that despite my laziness and procrastination some ideas just continue to flicker until they are realized. How is it that there really are things that I simply refuse to give up on, while there are other all sorts of thoughts going through my mind; bigger and smaller ones. How do I manage to not give up every time? Where do I find this mysterious strength, where is it created, and hoe does it breed. I need some of that food, the one that feeds creativity and motivation. What is it that makes the good things grow?

Now Playing: Foo Fighters - The Pretender

(yeah, just like the olden days...:/ ugh, memories)

Here's a small recap of my weekend that was nothing like me. Or was it. I don't even know who I am. But I like the part of me that gets out every now and then. Friday we got off work at decent time for once in a long time. I went home, and was well rested when I headed early to city center to meet my friend (aka mīļums). We had a few drinks here and there, and soon enough I was quite drunk. Therefore cheeky enough to send a text message to a certain someone. Because I had to write something that the guy HAD to reply to, I wrote something very brave (to say the least). Never the less the time flew by fast, and there were several cute guys at the last pub that we visited that evening. And, well, then later I met the certain someone. I had slept two hours that night. Then Saturday I went to a gym with one of my colleague. She had arranged for me to enjoy the gym as a guest. Spent about three hours at the gym; great warm up, toning up some muscles, and then we went for a swim. After that we went to a noodle place for lunch. Then I biked back home for a well deserved sleep. All in all it was a great day. Then work today, which was, of course not the best day (cuz my job sucks, big time). But Friday and Saturday went well, so that counts as having a good weekend. With the exception that I have understood that at times I'm a terrible person, big time.

Bring Me To Life

I used to feel this way many years ago. The feelings have begun to return. It is weird, bad and good at the same time. I did something stupid, again. Memories arise. They have grown old already, covered in wrinkles and dust. I had placed them in far corners of my mind, so to never greet them again. But here I am, flipping through them like a child flipping through the pages of a new colouring book; ready to attack with divine new colouring pens. I have no idea what I want.

I just exist. 

 Now Playing: Evanesence - Bring Me To Life

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life