Letter to me

 Radio Edit 

Hello, dear Dragonfly, 

It's me, Dragonfly. If you're reading this, then things may have gotten worse. 

I need you to remember that walk we shared in the big park back home. I need you to remember that feeling you had when sitting on the pier. Remember the warm, peaceful wind running through your hair. Remember the birds singing. Remember the sun softly burning your skin, piercing your eyes. Remember the sound of the small waves crashing in. Remember the smell of the air, how it so easily filled up your lungs. Remember how you could take a breath that felt like could last you forever. Just remember that sense of peace. That sense of time standing still. Just remember how we sat there together and the rest of the world did not matter. Take that deep breath. Take in that feeling of freedom and peace. Never let go of that feeling, it is what keeps us alive. 

Infinite sadness

There is this vast abundance of sadness. It's overwhelming; it has filled my soul, overflowing and taking over my life. I can no longer function, even on autopilot; I exist no more. 

I can taste the pain on every cell of my tongue. It tastes like blood gushing so fast that I'm drowning in it. I don't know what happiness feels like anymore. I don't want to know what happiness feels like anymore. An undiscriminating numbness has set in. I have lost what I once used to be. 

This sadness tastes so bitter of lies and distrust. It's sour like a funny-smelling milk, not funny like a comedy. Funny, like the joke my life has been these years. It leaves my eyes in tears, my jaw in trismus, my palms in fists. 

It feels like burnt lips and a bitten tongue. It feels like sharp pain, like sharp needles hitting every nerve in my body. It feels like despair. It tastes like despair. It is gruesome, it is chilling, it is earth-shattering sadness and pain.  

Isn't it ironic how someone you used to love more than yourself can hurt you more than you could ever think to hurt another human being? Isn't it ironic how such love and loyalty can be faced with deceit, lies and duplicity?

This is how love moulds into hate and remorse.

Now Playing: Damiano David - Perfect Life

How I Realized that I Enjoy Life

Life is beautiful and I like it. It's my one love that will be with me till the end.


This post comes as a surprise to myself (and maybe some others). I look sad, and my mind tends to be on a very strange vibration. I am somewhat masochistic, I like pain and suffering. But why?
Pain in beautiful. I like it because it makes me feel alive. It makes makes me appreciate the times when I don't suffer.

Back to the point. How I came to realize that I enjoy life. I like people, I don't, but I do. I manage to find something good about everyone and I concentrate on those things. That's why I can't say that I hate anyone. Some would call that being an ass-kisser. But I don't care. I believe that everyone has their pros.

People are not the only things that I can always view in a positive light. That happens to everything. Yes! Everything is beautiful. When ever people ask me about my favourite things (music, city, county, city, food, drink, pass time....) I always say that either I like a lot of things or I name a few. Why, because everything has it's good part. For example, favourite dish, I love food and I enjoy all kinds of flavours, how can I pick just one dish? 

So I've realized that there is always something good and positive, no matter what the thing, idea, situation .. is. And I see it because I enjoy viewing life from a genuine viewpoint. Of course I see bad things all the time, but if I concentrate on them more than the good things I will end up being sad and radiating negative energy.

I've said it. Life is beautiful. And I have no shame of saying it now when I am at an extremely low point in life. Because pain too can be beautiful, and knowledge that it will be better makes me happy.


Keep on livin' homies.

How?

Why bother with love
when there are so many broken hearts?
It makes no sense,
and it makes me question life.

It makes me wonder why humans are so weak,
why are we mortals so fragile?
We melt like sugar,
and we break like a thin pieces of glass.

We are so full and empty all at the same time.
We have a gift - life, and then we ride through it.
We break at the moments when we have to stay strong.
We give up and forget.

Us, humans, we forget the important thing.
At times we hide away from the truth,
we cry and we let it all out.
Or we trap it all inside of us.

When there is no certainty on our planet,
how can we know;
how can we know
that it's right to go on?

Lost!

I feel very, very lost right now. More than ever I feel like I have no home, like there is no place where I belong. There is nothing holding me to one place, and I want to be gone again. It's a daunting feeling of empty. It is eating at me, inside and out. I feel like a broken piece of nothing. There is nothing that makes me feel fulfilled.

Last weekend I had the best time of my life! It was so pure and beautiful. Imagine if I had to live only three days in my life, I would live those three days. I would want to go back and relive those days over and over again.

Till I Collapse

I'm short of breath. Something terrible has happened and I don't know how to deal with this. I am 100% to be blamed. But I simply can't wrap my head around this. I do not know how to pass this forward. I don't know what comes now? What happens now?
Life seemed so great! Just .. most things were going well. But now .. now, there is no now.

Till I collapse. I've collapsed. I am so happy for my next weeks adventure. But I don't deserve it. I really don't. What now? I can't not take this trip, because that's not fair to others. But taking this trip is not fair to me, because I don't deserve this. I deserve nothing and I am a terrible person. I have no heart. I do, but I don't.

What now?
How do I tell the truth?
What happens now???

God damn, I feel dizzy, all the thoughts are overwhelming. My head is spinning!
What's the right thing to do?
There is no good way to do bad things.
And yet, they have to be done.

Please.
Stop.

Now Playing:  Eminem feat. Nate Dogg - Till I Collapse

I miss you

It seems like all I do my whole life is I miss people. I am so used to this empty space in me, just every day I can count so many people that would want to see. It's like, when someone asks: "What do you do?" the reply would always be "I miss people." What is even worse is that you don't get used to it, not in a good way I mean, you don't adjust to it. It just hurts, sometimes less, sometimes more, it carves your soul like a child would carve a pumpkin on Halloween. Plus there is the factor that I can't really do anything about it. It's not like hate that you can consciously decide to let go. It's not like falling in love, that over time can fade away. They are memories and feelings, a combinations of so many things, and also, of course, the fact that you don't want to let those feelings leave. I don't want to not miss all those people. Of course, it is amazing to have so many awesome people to miss, but it truly hurts that most of them are so far away. Sometimes I think about what we'd be doing if we were side-by-side. And then in some cases so many years have passed since I last saw the person, it's like I don't actually know them. I knew them, and that's the image that's drawn in my mind, the old one. We all change, but in some ways we remain the same, at least in certain memories. I will not lie, I have tears in my eyes. I am very lost at the moment (not literally), and I have no idea which way to go.

Anywho, missing people is beautiful, but at the same time it can be very sad.
Meh, that's all.


Oh, and also, side note, 5 years ago on 7th of December, I joined Blogger.com (blogspot.com). WOW! 5 years! And this is still the first blog I made, and still the one where I post most often.

Trešā persona

Kādu rītu es pamodīšos un viss šķitīs kā sapnis. Viss tas, ko dzīvē esmu piedzīvojusi, liksies kā kaut kas ārzemju pasakā izlasīts.

Bet, ja godīgi, tad jau tagad, kad cilvēkiem stāstu, kas esmu, no kurienes nāku un caur kurieni esmu gājusi, es jūtos, ka runāju par kādu trešo personu. Es stāstu par sevi kā par kādu citu cilvēku, kuru gluži vienkārši esmu ļoti labi iepazinusi. Es atstāstu kādu nesen izlasītu grāmatu, vai filmu, kuru šobrīd rāda lielā kinoteātra mazākajā zālē. Es esmu te. Un es sevi prezentēju kā būtni, kas nu tā, starp citu kaut kur ir un kaut ko dara (vai varbūt nedara neko).
Un tad man paliek žēl par to, ka daudz, jo daudz lietu, domu un notikumu paliek nepateikti, nepierakstīti. Tas viss paliek domu vācelītē, laikam slīdot pa garajiem dzīves gaiteņiem to visu norij zemapziņa, absolūti nekas pāri nepaliek.

Kad jūtos savādi, vai kad jūtos kā vēl nekad, gribas vaicāt kādam, vai tu zini kā tas ir..? Un nereti es tā arī daru, cenšos cik vien iespējams sīki un detalizēti izstāstīt kā jūtos, un uzreiz vaicāju, vai tev ar tā ir bijis? Mani sen jau vairs nepārsteidz tas, ka neviens mani neizprot, cilvēki parasti lūr uz mani kā uz kādu, kas no citas planētas nokritis (un pa ceļam smagi apsities). Viņiem nav ne mazākās nojausmas, un līdz ar to es arī zinu, ka atrast kādu līdz-domātāju ir praktiski neiespējami. Tas izklausās visai skumji, — bet tā nav, gluži pretēji! Tas gluži vienkārši nozīmē, ka piedzīvoju ko vēl nebijušu! I feel special, and so BITE ME! Tā nu tas ir. 

Es jau tagad pārlasot kādus sava emuāra rakstus jūtos it kā lidotu cauri notikumu jūrai, tad vēl atminos kā man tanī brīdī ir gājis, kādi uztraukumi bijuši, un kādi prieki bijuši. Un, ja tā padomāju, tad saprotu cik daudz dzīvē ir bijušas neskaidrības par notiekošo, par to, kas notiks un, to kas bijis. Tik daudz dzīvē mainās sekunžu simtdaļā un rezultātā mainās visa turpmākā dzīve. Tas var būt kādas vienkāršas idejas dzimšana, vai kāds notikums vispasaules politikā. Viss tas, ko daru, balansējas uz adatas paša gala. Dzīve ir tik koša un daudzpusīga, ka ir tik viegli iedomāties par to, kā būtu, ja būtu. Dažreiz pat ir patīkami ar laivu izpeldēt cauri ideju ielejām. 

Bet visforšāk ir tad, ka es saprotu, ka dzīve ir ieslīdējusi pareizajās sliedēs. Tas, protams, nenozīmē, ka ja lietas būtu citādi, tad būti slikti, vai nepareizi; tas nozīmē, ka patreiz esmu apmierināta ar izvēlēm, ko esmu veikusi. Un, ja ir kaut kas, kas neapmierina, esmu iemācījusies ar to sadzīvot. Viss ir labi, viegli, un ir arī grūti, un kopsavilkums ir visai pozitīvs. 





Un tagad, es spiedīšu publish, un varbūt kāds pat šo rakstu izlasīs, un nedod dievs, priecāsies par mani. Bet visticamāk, tas ieslīdēs nebūtībā, bet būs vismaz pierakstīts.. Kādu dienu, kad man varbūt būs skumji, es šo pārlasīšu un vismaz uz īsu brīdi būs labi. Būs prieks, un es sapratīšu, ka viss, gan labais gan sliktais, nāk un iet, dzīve konstanti mainās.

"Wonderful World"

This song pretty much explains how i see the world, not all of it, but some lines are spot on.

Now Playing: Nine Horses - Wonderful World

WONDERFUL WORLD

It’s a wonderful world

And you take and you give

And the sun fills the sky

In the space where you live

It’s a day full of dreams

It’s a dream of a day

And the joy that it brings

Nearly sweeps her away

It’s a wonderful world

As the buildings fall down

And you quicken your step

‘til your feet leave the ground

And you’re soaring above

All the sorrow below

And you’re falling in love

With those you don’t know

And your heart feels so wide

And your heart fills so strong

It was never a place

That you felt you belonged

It’s a wonderful world

Full of wonderful things

And the people fall down

And abandon their dreams

(I hear him, he’s talking out loud

Sometimes he whistles while walking

How could he know any better?

I weep for him, I weep for him now)

It’s a wonderful world

It’s a real crying shame

Cos she’s hurting herself

In a violent way

And there’s people she knows

That won’t even try

And they’re trapped in their lives

Feeling terrified

And it’s in times like these

That she promised to call

But the scale of our love 

Is diminished and small

It’s a wonderful world

And she doesn’t know why

She wakes up each day

And continues to cry

(He’s sleeping his troubles away

He’s finding it too hard to bear

I’m with him every step of the way

I weep for him, I weep for him now)

It’s a wonderful world

And you take and you give

And the sun fills the sky

In the space where you live

"I'll be a killer whale when I grow up"

I'm all grown up now. Or not. Either way I have become a killer whale I am a terrible human being and I could not care less. A part of me actually wants to go home, but then I realize that I want to go back home to a home I used to have as a kid. I want all the old memories to resurface, and I want the future to be built upon dreams and imaginations. I hate change when it comes so suddenly. To be quite frank, change makes me sad and depresses me, which is why I like change. I have a vague, crazy plan in mind for le future.

I adore simplicity, it's something that I've never truly understood since I have a tendency to complicate every little thing.


blahhhhhh

Push

How about You give me the capital strength to travel far, far away. I don't need your money, I don't need your gifts. Just encourage me to go further than the sea. Further than the borders that I've laid out for myself. Give me the things I am unable to create myself. Give me motivation. Give me some kind of strength. I don't mean physical, I can torture myself to build up physical strength. But emotionally I'm a wreck, there is so little happiness, so little joy of life in me. It's like all I do is for some kind of other side of. For the small part of me that wishes life was different. I go places just for her. Sometimes I leave for some days so she can feel how it is to be alive. I hate that the small part of me that is human has to be trapped inside the depressing mind of mine. I deserve better; she deserves better. So just give me a small push, a tiny encouragement to go further.

Am I really asking for more than I deserve?

Tagad Skn: Prāta Vētra - Aiz Vēja Ģenerātora

Where's my Fortune, You Fool?

There are moments when I am very unsure about my life. And there are times when these moments stretch into days, and even weeks. I begin to wonder where the heck am I heading? I don't have a destination. There is no place where I want to get to, nothing to aim for. Empty. I feel like nothing will ever make me feel happy, so I settle for what ever it is I have gotten. I lose the motivation to try harder. I rarely leave my comfort zone, almost never. I stay in this shell. It seems like it's huge, like the entire universe. But is it? I bet it actually is a tiny bubble, a space smaller than a two atom molecule. It's almost as if I do not exist.

Fuck me. I don't believe in myself.

Bring Me To Life

I used to feel this way many years ago. The feelings have begun to return. It is weird, bad and good at the same time. I did something stupid, again. Memories arise. They have grown old already, covered in wrinkles and dust. I had placed them in far corners of my mind, so to never greet them again. But here I am, flipping through them like a child flipping through the pages of a new colouring book; ready to attack with divine new colouring pens. I have no idea what I want.

I just exist. 

 Now Playing: Evanesence - Bring Me To Life

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can't wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can't wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I've become)

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life

2012

I've stepped back. Last year at this very same time i was at a very different place. Now i'm at the bottom of the wheel of fortune. I'm not sure if it's my foult, or it's the society to blame. What's the difference anyway? So many things have happened since the begining of 2011, some good ones, but all in all the sad ones over-weigh the positive things. I've lost my mind several times, i've lost everything i ever had. I feel like the only leaf left on a bare tree branch. I feel like i've betrayed myself. There is thit constant pain in me that screams that i could have done better. I need a change. I need a turning point. I need an epiphany, one that is WAY outside the box. One that no other being has come up with. I need a change that will kill all the sad bacteria that's growing inside of me. I need a vaccine, a pill that would take me away from this madness. I need to open my eyes. I need to change my attitude. I need a plan. Not a plan, but a simple outline for the year.

Basically i want things to be different, i.e. anything BUT how it has been last year.

Happy new year everyone.

What's your new years resolution?

Soul Asylum - "Runaway Train" lyrics+video

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

CHORUS
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

CHORUS

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same

Pirmdiena.

Šodien pirmdiena. Esmu ieslīkusi šokolādes atkarības posmā. Tā man liek justies labi, man piekāst par kalorijām un tamlīdzīgiem brīnumiem. Tā gan nav. Bet nu neko nevaru padarīt, galvā spārdas viena nelāga doma un velk mani uz leju, tad lūk ir šokolāde kas palīdz. Jo redz tai iekšās ir visādas ķīmiskās vielas, kas liek cilvēkbērnam justies labi. Apčakarē smadzenes īsāk sakot. Katrā ziņā, šokolāde ir labāka par cigaretēm un alkoholu. Tā kā pagaidām viss štokos. :) ...un vispār, ja jāsaka būtu atklāti, tad man jau sāk apnikt, jo nav jau tā vietējā šokolāde nemaz tik laba. Laimas noteikti gardāka, bet ar beļģu lielisko šokolādi nemaz salīdzināt nevar.

Drīz ciemos būs mans draugs, jeb boyfriends. Šovakar plānojam skatīties kādu DVD.

Āāā, un rīt atkal agri jāceļas.

Starpcitu, vakar atkal spēlēju pokeri. Negāja labi, bet slikti ar nebija. ;)

Skrienu uz dušu.
Atā pagaidām.