October

The damn time is playing an endless game with me. I just can not catch up. My skull is itchy. The white organic tea (my favourite(?)) is getting cold. The second chocolate chip cookie is lying next to me waiting to be consumed. The weather outside has noticeably gotten colder. When walking at night I see cars covered in water vapour. The sun would be long gone. The mountains that could be seen during the day are gone, almost as if they set with the sun. It's odd. Every year the seasons play this funky game with us, and every year we see it with new eyes. I wonder if this feeling that takes over is one of the good ones, or the ones that should be avoided. It's cold. But I suppose it doesn't necessarily have to be a negative thing. Right?

Sorry, not sorry. I tend to talk to myself like that.

The other day I remembered that a couple months ago I purchased a discounted mixer. That made me think that I would like to make a nice tiramisu cake. But then I remembered that I had purchased some form the shop not more than a week ago. So I decided to forget about that thought. But here I am going through the layers of my memory.

I keep reading these unending travel articles online. We do get the news that we ask for. As it seems, I have surrounded myself in everything travel related. It's my addiction. I can never get enough. They say it makes people happy.

And then this other article one of the most common regrets of dying people was that they wished they had traveled more. That makes me think it will be one off the list once I get older. But I don't really believe in regretting things. I am who I am because of what has and hasn't happened to me in my life so far. And every now and then I meet people that I feel embarrassed for and I think to myself how glad and happy, and lucky I am not to be like that. Sound a bit rude? Maybe arrogant? So what?Everyone is a little. At least I know I'm not perfect. And I am fine with it.

I thought this would be a constructive post, but I ended up babbling about everything and nothing all at the same time. Oh well.

All that because it's October.
Heck, it's October.

And no one woke me up when September ended.
Shame on you.

"..un es palieku tumsā."

2015. gada 26. augustā

Lisabonā

Pazudusi

Kurp man mesties nemiera laikos?
Manī plosās nezināms spēks.
Es jūtu bezmiera dvēseles,
Tās vajā mani miegā.
Es izkrītu kā poga
Cauri palaga caurumiem.
Tie aizlāpas paši ciet
Un es palieku tumsā,
Es nevaru atgriezties.
Gumijas zābaki ūdens pilni.
Man neceļas kājas,
Nekustas rokas.
Brīžiem liekas, ka pat sirds stājas.

Le Birthday's Approaching

These days nothing really comes as a surprise, it's been a while since I felt really surprised about something.
Life is changing, a lot. The passed few months have really been a roller-coaster with some real bad downs and some fascinating ups. It's been difficult to stay positive at times, but with the right attitude and while keeping great people close to me, I have managed to come to where I am at now. September, it has arrived. Yet another September. While in school, it used to mean a new beginning. But this time I am having a new beginning without having to go to school. It's ANOTHER start. It's yet another section starting.
I've had more fresh starts than many people combined. Maybe that's what is my thing, starting things anew. Heck knows.

And yes, birthday is approaching, it will be next week. This year it will be a bit special. ;)

Well. My thoughts are still a mess, but some things I am more certain about than others, so that's marvellous.

Song for the mood these days: Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know? 

"'Cause there's this tune I found
That makes me think of you somehow
And I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep"

Nothing is Everything

I know it's bad to write ideas that are difficult for people to comprehend. Such as, nothing is everything. It confuses people and so they feel foolish or dense. As a result they choose not to read the thing and then they forget about it. Maybe they really are foolish for fooling themselves so easily. But there are some rare souls who don't mind the feeling of being tricked. They want to read on the to make some sort of sense out of it. They might not get the idea, but they will get something out of it, because we always see what we want to see and what we want to believe.

And I believe that I am not a people's person. Sure I can smile, say that I'm doing just fine. I will ask you how you're doing, and I will listen in delight.
But real relationships aren't my cup of tea. After the big listening I'll sympathise with your situation, but that's where it stops. I am unable to maintain any real relationship with the people that actually matter to me. I lack that skill.
Maybe I never really tried to develop it. But here I am, with no one I can call my buddy. In an odd way it's soothing. However, sometimes I really wish I had put in some effort to be better at this. Sometimes I do wish to not be a rock. But luckily, that's just sometimes. Mostly I like being a lone wolf.

Let's Talk About it - The Awkward Silence

Somehow a recent chat with a friend brought up the feel about awkward silences. She said that a guy-friend of hers had told her that it's nice to talk to her as there are no awkward silences.

And so I remembered the years when I was in Canada. If you do not know, here's a fact about Canadians: They simply hate the so called awkward silences. They have this constant urge to fill in every second with words. It is like a plague. And if they fail to produce a sound, they, of course, have to apologize for it! It's quite ridiculous. As for me, I'm Latvian, we are very different from Canadians. We like to be quite, and we like to keep to ourselves, some more than others, but in comparison, most Latvians will not like if you talk non-stop.

So very often when I would be in a room with one or more Canadians, they would feel pressured to talk. And, naturally, they expected everyone else to pitch into the conversation. When I did not speak as much as they would like, I could see that they begun to feel uncomfortable. It was like someone was pinching them, or as if someone was saying something extremely controversial, or as if they really needed to use the toilet, but couldn't... like something was seriously bothering them. I have to admit that I made fun of this in my head. They have this urge to produce a useless conversation, it's like an addiction. And if it does not go as planned, they went ahead and kept talking.
What do they talk about, one might wonder.

Weather, that's a no briner. It's always changing, and so is a good chat material. You can talk about it at any given time, as the weather is a continuous thing. Winter is cold and filled with snow, summer is hot, fall is rainy....and so on.

Hockey! They either talk about their favourite teams, or if they don't like hockey, they will talk about how much they dislike hockey! They will also go as far as talking about equipment and different leagues and levels of hockey. All this talk will lead in talking about other kinds of sports (or the dislike of all other kinds of sports). I must add, though, that most Canadians do like sports! Now that, in my opinion, is a good and healthy thing!

They will also talk about what ever is happening around. If it's a chat at work or school they'll talk about tasks, meeting, classes, bosses, teachers, ....etc.

They also will compliment each other. Then the small talk goes into talking about where the certain thing was gotten and they will talk about that thing. For example, if I would have a scarf from a friend, the other person would say: "what a lovely scarf you have, looks good with that jacket! Where did you get it?" To this I will reply that I borrowed it from a friend. The other person would then say: "Oh, really? I do that too sometimes. Me and one of my friends, we swap and borrow things all the time." ... Well you get the point, don't you?

What is my say? I think people should not fill every moment with some pointless conversation. It is highly annoying, and brings no good. I like silences, I love them, and I feel perfectly comfortable when no one is saying anything. I think this should be practiced more often.

Maybe people fear their own thoughts and that's why if there is a silence, they have to call it awkward. ..

Es negribu visā uzreiz atzīties.

Bet man regulāri sāp galva un domās plosās nemierīgs vējš. Man bieži ir bail un gribas paslēpties, tā, lai neviens mani neredz un nekad neatrod. Es raugos cauri netīriem stikliem kā uz manas mātes zemes netiklās miesas sniegpārslas krīt. Tas ir tik maigas kā maza bērna pieskāriens. Man acīs uzplaukst asaras, te skumjas mīt. Bet kaut kur dziļi, dziļi sirdī ir tāds prieks, tāds prieks, ka nesaprotu, kā dienas nepaiet vienos priekos.
Jā, tas tiesa, ka sevi izprast - neizprotu. Ir reizes, kad pati slīgstu savās izplūdušajās domās. Tad es kā maza, vāja buru laiva triecos pret tālā okeāna viļņiem. Manī mīt spēks, bet to pārskalo tās asaras, kas klīst pār maniem vaigiem.
Es pārāk bieži jūtos bezspēcīga. Parasti spēks man palīdz to noslēpt no citiem mirstīgajiem.

Doing This and Doing That

For the first time ever, I truly can not explain my own actions. Usually everything I do made some sense on some sort of  (maybe even messed up) level. But now, now, now... it's a mayor mystery and it's beginning to bother me a lot.

Now Playing: The Doors - Riders On the Storm

I've Lost My Superpowers

It seems that I have lost my superpowers. I have looked everywhere for them, but can't seem to find them. Looked in all shelves, in all drawers, behind walls, all secret places, checked it on google. Of course I also went through the city, looked into every brick, in case they were hiding in there.

Honestly, this has never happened before, I tried calling them, but they wont pick up. Should I make a MISSING poster and place it across the city? Should I notify the police? Has anyone had such accident before? Suggestions?

Meanwhile I have to live a regular life, like the most of you do. Sad.

BUT if you stumble upon my superpowers, do not use them, as you will only put yourself and others in danger. Consider yourself warned!
Instead, return them to me where they rightfully belong. 

Let's Go For a Swim

How much would you be willing to give away for the one thing you want the most?
Your money, home, freedom, health, friend, family, happy moments, memories, time, ...
Does that not make you question the things you truly want? Don't you have the things you really "want"?

It's like wanting to know how to swim only when you're in water. It's like being able to talk when you have an important message to tell. It's like being able to run when you need to catch that last bus.

But, hey, why bother to appreciate your swimming skill when clearly you're always on the shore, right?

..or maybe..

Fata Morgana

It's like in the story of the devil and the boy. They were counting to ten, and before they even begun I could tell you that the devil will cheat and that the boy will lose. But how does it really work? Don't you become the loser the moment you break the rules? How about the unwritten rules? Either way, the boy lost and his soul was probably transferred into devil's account. Not that the kid gave a fuck anyway.

So from here we lose count. It doesn't matter what we were counting, why we were counting, ... All that is just useless background information. It's like a mirage, it's there, but it isn't. It's a fata morgana. Illusions appear in our lives without special invitations, they just come and go as they please. The uncomfortable part is that we don't always know if things are real or not. Mostly we assume that everything is either real (like a young child would), or we assume that everything is fake (like a pessimist would). This brings us to a question - in this story, was the devil real? Or was he real only because the perspective we had was that of a kid. Maybe the devil was never there! (?)

What am I doing?

HOW I FEEL - ALL AT THE SAME TIME:

 

AND THIS: 

This is Rubbish

This will be me ranting, consider yourself warned. 

I'm at work now.
This place is seriously starting to get on my nerves. I don't even know where to start.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I work at a hotel as a receptionist. I've been here since end of summer. The job is really fine, I have a list of responsibilities, not just one task to do over and over again. During night shifts I also have to prepare the breakfast. I also have to work in the restaurant as a waitress. And when there is no chef in, then I also have to make food for people. Now this is where the rant starts. Two people went to the restaurant, I tell them that there is no chef in, however, I can prepare something for them form the weekend menu. Now they make a face that makes me think that I've told them something so offensive that they are about to get up and walk away without saying a thing. But no, they just sit there with their... unhappy eggplant faces and unwillingly start to view the Weekend menu. Why the un-satisfaction is aimed at me? Is it my fault that the hotel is low on money? Is it my fault that they can't afford a chef for all times? Is it my fault that due to lack of clients it is inefficient to have the chef in? Yeah, I didn't think so!
Meanwhile I'm hoping they don't pick something that we don't actually have available. In a lucky case, they do pick something I have in the kitchen. Then I ask for drinks. There can be various scenarios;
1) They ask for beer, I ask what kind of beer. Many of them then ask something that they know (example, Carlsberg) - sorry, we don't have that, I can offer you some Latvian beers. - Emm, ok. - Then I usually ask if the want dark or light, and they usually don't know what they want. Other times they ask for draft beer, which is also something we don't have. Then often I bring them the first beer (the brand doesn't matter, as tastes vary from person to person), and they don't like it, and ask something different next time. And then for the third beer they go back to option one, assuming that every next beer I'd offer them would be worse and worse.
2) They ask for coffee or tea. That's not as difficult. The tea simply takes more time, as I need to boil hot water. But then there is no tea that they want. Then they say they don't want sugar, but turns out they wanted it after all, same story with milk.
3) They ask for something that I don't have (and that isn't even in the menu) - for example - fresh juice - any juice other than apple or orange - smoothies - ice cream cocktails - some other random drink.
4) They ask for spirit with something. Well, I am still not aware as to what goes in what glass. Then there is also the issue of lack of right sized glasses. I believe there is about two glasses that fit a shot with a full small glass bottle of coke in it - and they are always dirty. Same thing with G&T, I know I should pour the two together, but I don't have such a glass that fits it all!!!
5) They ask for just water, I believe that in any normal place they'd bring water for no charge, but we give the small bottles, there is 300something ml (or 400somthing, I don't care TBH), and then sometimes they are unhappy that I charge them for water.
6) Cola! Yeah, the cola problem is that about 50% of the time there is no coca cola available, because it is the most requested drink and finishes very fast once delivered. So here the question is, why not order more?? You gain more in the long run!!!
So then they pick something to eat, salad, soup or some hot dish, what ever it is, I have to go and make it for them. But wait! Who's doing my real job? Who's working at the reception, you may wonder! It's me! I'm supposed to be everywhere doing everything.
Now here is more bullshit - the reception is open 24/7, for guests that is ideal! But for us, not so much. There is a lot to do in the morning, and a lot in the evening. But middle of the night and middle of the day are usually quiet and there is nothing to do. So you sit on your ass for some hours and then you have to run like a horse for the rest of the time.
I often get comments form the guests asking/wondering how it is that I am all alone and have to do all the tasks. Well, I wonder too!

And who knows? Maybe it's time to get a new job?! I work hard, and I really try to do things well, but the thing is that nobody cares, no one seems to notice that you do so much. And the salary is an absolute joke! It's like a spit in the face. I can't imagine how I'd survive if I was living all by myself. It would be a nightmare.

Anyway, my shift is over in ten minutes. Then I'm going home for some sleep, since I've not had a normal night sleep for a week now. Oh, my colleague will be late, isn't life great?!

Fuck weekends. Fuck work. Fuck men. Fuck people. Fuck music. Fuck the sunlight. Fuck the moon and the tides. Fuck the polluted oceans. Fuck life and fuck death. Fuck all this bullshit.

I'm not satisfied with life today and everything seems to be wrong, everything makes me sad.
I don't even want to apologize for all the swearing.

--Basta.

There is no Right Answer to All the Questions

Rīga 2013

 

"Nepūt pīlītes"

My new header picture on Twitter

 Cēsis, Nov 2013

 Tērbatas, Rīga, 2013 Autumn

Lisbon, Feb 2014

Say What?

My head feels like exploding. I don't know how to turn it off! It keeps thinking and over-thinking, and thinking about over-thinking. I can't take it any more! Why can't I just do what has to be done and that's it? Why do I have to complicate my life so much?!

I want to come clean, I want to tell everyone the truth, I want to tell everyone what I'm thinking.. and what's even more absurd, I want everyone to understand. I want this burden to go away. I want to be able to sincerely smile again. I don't know what is going on in my head. I know what I want, but I am unable to go for the things I want. I've lost my motivation. I've lost any sense that I deserve anything. I am a terrible person and I truly believe that I deserve nothing good.

I don't know what's the right path to take right now.

Now playing:  Bryan Adams - Please Forgive Me

Future tense

I am in the future, in the day that will come someday, and I am thinking: "Now what?" And there is no answer, there is no one there to hear my question, and I know for a fact that no one will be able to answer my question. So I ask now,  so I don't have to stay in confused silence in the future. I ask now, because I am aware that no one is listening. And now I know it is for the best, I know that it is better to keep still in the mist of silence. One day there will be zero safe spots on this earth, there is going to be nothing but betrayal.

I am wrong because I am right. I should not tell you what I think, I should shut the fuck up. And so I do! I can't tell them what I think, how I feel, and what I do. I say so much that it is hard to realize how much I actually do put out there. And at the same time I am mute. I have no words, and I have no language. I have no alibi, I have no soul. I am a liar, I am a fool.

You say what?

Someone repainted my fall. It looks dead ugly, and all the optimism is washed away with all those grey shades that you're throwing at me. What I need is .. is.. I need to break this stupid habit of procrastination. And I know how, I've done it before, and I know I have it in me to do it again (and again, and again, and again).

Once upon a time is really here and now. /Angi Sullins/

Well how about that?
Let's make it all magical...changing the font, and size, and colour, and background colour, and wow, adding a super cool effect now, ... do you see it? The quote is now moving from one side to the other and then back! On fire! 

Ok, but enough games now, let's get back to that serious stuff.
I feel like I am just waiting for a moment, a some kind of magical epiphany to happen and suddenly I will get things done. But I have forgotten that I simply have to make most of what I have. Gosh, just want to punch myself.

Haha. Ok, I shall do something now.

BYE!

How?

I've heard people say that I am too young to have no faith to the world. And maybe so, it could be that they are right! But how can I have any faith at all? I don't even believe myself, I have let myself down countless times, and I keep on doing so. I've been let down by others even more times than I've disappointed myself. So how can I keep on believing people, when I know that I'll be disappointed? That just doesn't make sense. So it is just logical to have no faith in human, in people.

Who knows, maybe people are, in general, nice creatures, but deep-deep down we all are selfish. When it would come to it, we would all be willing to kill someone for our own good. We would not risk our heath or wealth for someone else without own benefit. We all seek for self satisfaction, even if it is on the expense of others. And YES, there will be those of you, who will think don't judge everyone based on yourself. Yes, I am selfish too, but I am also kind, and I've given a lot, and I feel like I've been let down too much for what I have done. It's not physical pain, but emotional pain, people playing with feelings. I am weak this way, I've become weak. So I will not let any ass-holes betray me. No, I've had enough of that bull shit.

And yes, I have done wrong, and I have let go the wrong people in my life. But there have been so many.. and mostly I just feel like they will not care. So I give up, I give up before the battle begins. All because I don't want to be let down.


I've got high standards, so what, sue me!

Shh, Don't Say a Thing

Her voice was still low, she was quiet, she was about to tell a secret. The silence was daunting, but somehow relaxing. It reminded her that her secret might me kept, and it might not be heard by the world. The room was dim, there were no windows, and just the one door through which she entered. The room was small, it had a round table and some chairs placed around it. There were also a chair in two corners of the room. She sat opposite of the door, at the table. The table was empty, it was unstable, and so was the chair that she sat on. It was hard to stay balanced, she thought she'll fall any moment now. But there she was, hanging in there.
She could hear a weak melody playing somewhere far away. There was no way of determining whether it was played live, or if it was a record playing. She could't even tell the genre of the song, or what instruments had created the piece, but she could hear it, and she knew it was there.

She felt like a rag-doll, worn-out, tired, over-used, and very confused. She was not sure what she was doing in this small room. But deep down she knew, she knew she was here about the secret, she wanted to share her secret. She gulped a huge junk of air, a boulder was still there, stuck in her throat, as if pulling her back from what she was about to do. But despite all, she had to, she needed the weight somehow lifted of off her, at least some part of it.

She then did it, she silently said the words that were burning her mind and her soul. She put them out there, and it felt as if she struck herself with a dagger. Tears stared to poor down her face as if blood was pooling under a never-healing wound. She felt so much pain that it could not be measured in any form, it was passed any scale, it was passed any weight measure, the pressure was squeezing every drop of life she still had in her. She had said those few words that she was meaning to tell someone.

Her eyes gently scanned the room. Through her never-ending river of tears she tried to see what had changed, what had happened.

But there she was
all alone in a small room
sitting on a broken chair
at an old, round table.

Secrets are no longer secrets if shared.

The girls heart is wounded, and she will never be able to fix it.
She picked herself up, in the pace of the fading melody she moved her body across the room to the door, then she left the room.

And it was as if she had never been there.

The Way I See It

July. It's July and life feels empty. I went from a full-time dedicated worker, party person, gym junkie ALL-IN-ONE to a complete couch potato. I need a jump, a push, anything that can lift me off the ground.

Koka Karote Azotē

Vakar nopirku koka karoti, jo accoding to Kristaps mājās nebija koka karote. Atnākot mājās es konstatēju, ka rosola bļodā ir koka karote, un ne jau tā kuru es nopirku. Man jau patīk, ka, kad Kristapam kaut ko vajag tas pekšņi ir, bet, kad man vajag, tad nekad nekas nav. Es nevaru ciest, ka cilvēki pret citiem izturās kā pret sūda gabaliem un sevi vērtē augstāk par jebko citu.

Tagad mājas ir koka karote. Ir divas.

Bet es te tā pat drīz vairs nebūšu, un savu koka karoti es ņemšu līdzi.
Pie velna viss.

Tagad skan: The xx - Fiction