They See Me Rollin'

It's a nightmare. My mind is like a roller-coaster; there are too many thoughts all in one. It's driving me crazy, literally crazy. I lack significant amounts of sleep, I lack rest, moral and physical rest. There seems to be no such thing as rest in my life. I am emotionally unavailable. I am cruel and tired. I am back in a crying mode. For all I care it's because I will be leaving again, leaving for good. And, fuck (excuse my language), but I've said so many goodbyes in my life, it's just absurd. It is so odd to see people now, people at work and other friends, and know that in a few days I will be gone, and I will probably never see them again. It's like a huge part of my everyday life is going to be torn out of me. It will be gone. I can feel tears build up several times throughout the day. I can feel falling due to lack of energy. I can feel that I am working too hard, I am ignoring my senses. I just keep moving even though I should stop for a moment and take a deep breath. I should ignore haters, cut them out of my life. Cut the cord. I should fight for friends that are worth keeping. But I am scared, I am scared that I actually deserve to be hated. I am scared that if I keep the good friends I will be hurt even more. It is just so much easier to become distant, to be cold. I am so tired of being forgotten. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd. I want to be different. I am different.

I will not change, I will keep going until I collapse. But I will rest as soon as I physically get away from here. My mind is still going to wonder about, I will always be thinking about things I did, and choices I made. But I need a new view, a new setting, somewhere where I can think thoughts that count, thoughts that make at least a little sense.

I can't let them bring me down. I am not going down. I feel like giving up, and at some points it is unbearable, but I know that it is crucial to keep going, to keep going for the things I've set for myself in the near future. I deserve to do things for a better future for myself, no one will make me believe otherwise.



P.S. I've created a new blog called Must Keep Going. On the new blog I will, hopefully, be posting things along the way. Here's the link: http://my-cycling-trip.blogspot.co.uk/

Motivation as My Pet

Life changes. Ideas are born, and soon they die. What makes an idea sustainable? What is it that some ideas remain with the root in my mind, and then they never leave? How do they manage to stay there? I can't find anything that the few things have in common. What is it, that despite my laziness and procrastination some ideas just continue to flicker until they are realized. How is it that there really are things that I simply refuse to give up on, while there are other all sorts of thoughts going through my mind; bigger and smaller ones. How do I manage to not give up every time? Where do I find this mysterious strength, where is it created, and hoe does it breed. I need some of that food, the one that feeds creativity and motivation. What is it that makes the good things grow?

Now Playing: Foo Fighters - The Pretender

(yeah, just like the olden days...:/ ugh, memories)

Here's a small recap of my weekend that was nothing like me. Or was it. I don't even know who I am. But I like the part of me that gets out every now and then. Friday we got off work at decent time for once in a long time. I went home, and was well rested when I headed early to city center to meet my friend (aka mīļums). We had a few drinks here and there, and soon enough I was quite drunk. Therefore cheeky enough to send a text message to a certain someone. Because I had to write something that the guy HAD to reply to, I wrote something very brave (to say the least). Never the less the time flew by fast, and there were several cute guys at the last pub that we visited that evening. And, well, then later I met the certain someone. I had slept two hours that night. Then Saturday I went to a gym with one of my colleague. She had arranged for me to enjoy the gym as a guest. Spent about three hours at the gym; great warm up, toning up some muscles, and then we went for a swim. After that we went to a noodle place for lunch. Then I biked back home for a well deserved sleep. All in all it was a great day. Then work today, which was, of course not the best day (cuz my job sucks, big time). But Friday and Saturday went well, so that counts as having a good weekend. With the exception that I have understood that at times I'm a terrible person, big time.

"Valentine's Day", the movie

Aside form my extra busy schedule in school and everywhere else in life i managed to go to a movie. Not on a date, but with my friends. It was fairly pleasant since i don't get to see these people in everyday life. The movie was Valentine's Day. A cheesy, no, no, very cheesy movie. The plot was pretty empty and had a very weak theme/message. Pretty much none at all. The little things that got mentioned included the ideas that one must love not only the good things, but also the bad (not so good) things about their loved one. It also touched the idea that marrying a friend is a terrific plan. This is where they did not think it through. I disagree with this almost one hundred per cent. Why would anyone ruin the one thing they have for sure? I feel that that is wrong. One of my friends recently told me that he likes me, as in "has feelings" to me. I can only assure to you that that is not right.

Also, wanted to say a word about the Olympic games. It really (and i mean REALLY) pisses me off that Canadians think that they are THE BEST! They spend money on commercials such as (uh, personal "favourite"), a number of Canadian hockey players state that they are here for gold and that they will be disappointed if they do not get the first place. First, who the hell pays for that?? Second, guys, don't get your hopes too high up there, the world will have a nice laugh at you once you lose.