I am here

Today NaBloPoMo asked: "How did you end up where you're living right now? What factors will help you choose the next place you live?"

I'm living in Scotland now. I moved here on the first of October this year. I moved from Canada, spending two months in between in Latvia. I'm here for University, and will stay here for four years. I do hope to spend a year somewhere else, studying abroad. After that I hope to live somewhere else, who knows where, a new country hopefully. When I'll be done with my education I will stay in Latvia, of course.

Anyway, You all knew that already, so nothing too interesting. Right?
I'm really lazy today, so don't expect me to write more.
As a matter of fact, my job here for today is done.

too much to carry

Hello. March break is OVER. School tomorrow. It was OK. Went to Sudbury with part of da family. Visited some museums, got to see how real mining goes. Had a relaxing time. Oh, and my dad is here in Canada now, he got here a week ago and is staying two more weeks. I plan to go clubbing on friday, but i am not sure if i will. Maybe i will just go to friend's house and chill. Also, i have re-started to go to the gym. I'm very, very happy about that! Luv ya all.

And, here are some random questions and answers. You don't have to read them. I just did it for myself. But You may if You really, really want to. 

From now on, you can't tell lies, are you ready?

bring it on

When you go to the beach do you swim or lay out more?

Swim

If you were pregnant, would you keep the baby?

probably

Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

it's alright

Who was the last girl you talked to?

some girl at the museum in Sudbury

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don't talk to anymore?

yes

When was the last time you had ice cream? What kind was it?

one or two months ago, chocolate + walnut & maple syrup

Last person you went swimming with?

can not recall that

Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't?

not really

How late did you stay up last night?

around one at night

How many kids do you want?

now- none, haha, later on, time will tell, maybe 1, maybe 6, hihi

Is it easy for someone to make you smile?

depends, friends usually can do that better

What was the last drink you had?

kefir

Would you rather spend a day outside with friends or inside alone?

now, outside with friends. sometimes, inside alone.

Would you go back in time to change something?

nope

How are you feeling?

lame

True love or a billion dollars?

billion dollars, i would spend some of the cash to find the true love, and than we will have money to spend on our happily ever after

Has anything happened within the past month that has made you angry?

yes

Are you happy?

sure

What are you craving at the moment?

go to da gym, but i have to leave in an hour, so i can't really make it on time, but it's ok, i'll go tomorrow after school, meanwhile i will stick to Laima candy.

What is more important in a relationship, happiness or trust?

trust? happiness? trust? happiness? aren't they linked? trust, i suppose, cuz if there is trust than there can be happiness, with no trust there will be no happiness.

Are you in a good mood right now?

define 'good mood'..cuz i don't know

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?

haha, not that i can remember

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?

put the keys back in my bag

Name some things you would never tolerate in a relationship?

rudeness and disloyalty

Whats the best thing that happened to you today?

i woke up

What is the cutest text message you have ever gotten?

can't name any specific one, but it would probably be some x-mas msg with a criminally cute rhyme in it

Do you trust people?

very, very rarely

What's your favorite color to wear?

green

Have you cried today?

no

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?

clean water

Have you ever thought you were gonna die?

no, i don't think about my death at all

Do you love the last person who called you?

think it was some rogers person or something like that! sad, i know.

Could you date someone taller than you?

haha, yes i could and i would.

Do you sleep on your back?

i sleep on my bed.

What are you listening to?

alternative, indie, jazz and other chit too.

Next time you will kiss someone?

sure

Where do you want to go?

clubbing

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them?

no, i don't think so

Have you ever been heartbroken?

lol, i have no heart to brake, so i guess so.

How did you feel when you woke up today?

happy it was sunday

Do you cry easily?

depends on the subject matter, sometimes i'm too sensitive, other times i'm a heartless monster

Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

yes

When was the last time you watched a horror movie?

~two weeks ago

Do you have any drugs in your room?

nope, never had any

Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your bf/gf?

if she slept with my bf how can she be classified as my BF?

Think of the person who has hurt you the most in the past year, who is it?

can't tell ya, i'm not a teller, i'm a keeper.

Do you love it when you say something the same time as someone?

love? no way. but it can be sorta cool.

What were you doing at 7:00 am?

sleeping

Ever receive a really long apology?

too long

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?

yes

When is your birthday?

september

Are you a forgiving person?

yeah

Are you wearing makeup?

not right now

Anywhere you'd rather be right now?

far, far away. the woods of argentina, india, the moon, anything, as long as it is far away.

Does your phone ring in the middle of the night often?

there have been some crazy weeks, but not most of the time

Does the last person you held hands with mean anything to you?

no

Is anything bugging you right now?

a lot of things are bugging me all da time

What woke you up this morning?

the human instinct

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

if i really had to..

Do you have alcohol in your house?

yes

Do you miss being little and careless?

yeah, especially the carelessness.

Are you very sensitive?

i suppose

How many times did you go see the Twilight movie?

once, oh no, twice, i watched it the second time right before watching new moon

Where did you meet the last person you were in a car with?

don't know how you would categorize meeting your family.

Do you listen to music everyday?

not every day

Do you have any energy drink or soda cans laying around?

no

What color are your nails usually painted?

redish, pinkish, or the no colour one

What is your favorite number?

why would i have one?

Do you know your family members' birthdays?

yeah, but knowing is never enough

Do you have any tests or exams soon?

probably a test sometime soon

Coffee: Love it or hate it?

neither, i simply don't do coffee, it gives no effect

Are you going to go to bed, take a shower, or look for another survey when this over?

i will have to leave shortly, so none of the above.

What color hair elastic did you last use?

a round one. :D

How was your sleep?

alright

Last thing you did to someones hair?

just played with it, lol

Did anyone say they loved you today?

no

Are you more comfortable waiting or making something happen?

depends on how i feel

Have you ever kissed in the snow?

yeah

Are you good at standing up for yourself?

think so

Do you like being there for people?

love it

Do you often feel like you're becoming someone you don't want to be?

yeahh

Do you think you’ve made a difference in anyone’s life?

i think so

Are you starting to realize anything?

yes, too much

Ever lay under the stars with someone that you love?

sorta

Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person?

yeah

When did you last weigh yourself?

in the morning

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?

yes

Is there someone you really can't stop thinking about?

used to be

What’s the worst feeling in the world?

that you've got nowhere to go for support in a critical moment

Do you feel like there's something missing in your life?

sorta

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word, drama?

my drama class.

Do you think relationships are hard?

not sure

Does it bother you when someone lies to you?

i simply hate it

Are you open about your feelings or closed off?

closed off

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?

naa

What are you doing right now?

getting ready to leave, and this

Who were you last talking to on Facebook chat?

offline always

What's your favorite colour?

green

What Are you doing tomorrow?

school-home-gym-home-sleep

Are you in love?

no

Have you ever taken a picture of your eye?

once or twice

Do you actually have a favorite flower?

no

Can you change a printer cartridge?

yes

Do you have sensitive skin?

yes

Do you recognize Justin Timberlake’s songs?

yeah

When did you last have a cookie?

today, i think

Are you lactose intolerant?

no

Are you a sarcastic person?

haha, not at all.

lol, yes i am.

Who were you in middle school?

i was her

bird's song

Overwhelmed with the new ideas that had been just born that night i was lost. Lost once again in my thoughts. I pulled myself under my blanket with my eyes never moving away from the screen of the phone. I was waiting. Though i new that it was way to late for any sane person to be sending text messages. I still hoped. At first i even had a thought that i should text him, but no, i couldn't. No matter how much i wanted to contact him i refused to bring myself that low. That is just not how i function. It would be like a robbing a police station.
Could not sleep all night. Woke up with a cheap look at my phone. Nothing. Why could i just stop hoping? Who cares? Do i care? I suppose i do. I needed someone there to take the phone away from me, at least for a second.

I need a plan for next weekend for every minute. Ok, not minute, but every hour! So far it is pretty full. Except for saturday night. Let's go clubbing!



On another note.
I cleaned up my facebook applications. I deleted 241 applications from my list!! Yes, 241! Now i have just 16 out of which 7 are the ones you can't delete. So that is pretty good! ;D
I am very tired.

Good night my loves.

A very gorgeous and calm song: Gregory and the Hawk - Oats we Sow

Life Just Goes On

Lately i have been trying my best to find the most appealing Template for my blog. So far i have found nothing that would make my heart race faster then of those who are in love. But this one was pretty close, so i have decided to quit searching. For now. Maybe i will sometime else, but now i am just tired of the templates stuff. I like that this one kinda smiles at You when You open my blog. And at the same time it is a little sad, since the majority of the blog is black. I think it is too black, but the top part (the place where title is) is so pretty that it is worth to keep this one. At least for a while. Also, i have been going crazy "Dropping" on blogs. Do You see on the very right column at the top there is a featured blog? Well it is this add campaign thing, You put the widget on Your blog advertise your blog elsewhere and get more traffic and more followers. I am not REALLY sure why i'm willing to put much work in to just advertising this blog. I say it is because i like it too much and i want more and more people who might be reading the jazz that i right.

Today had a field trip to a universities lab. Chemistry, all Chemistry. We did a laboratory work something about iron concentration in a Pro Lab! Was pretty cool, since i don't plan to study chemestry once i graduate it was once a lifetime experience. Once the lab was done we had an hour for lunch and after that we went to an auditorium with university's first year chemistry student and listened to one lecture. This was the first out of five about acids and bases, don't mean to insult anyone, but it was all grade 11 review for all of us. So that part of the field trip was not exciting. Not at all.

Then i got home and never received a call from Mrs. B (I call him Visvaris, not important why). The conclusion is that i hope i shall never see either of them ever again. Yup! As i said after last saturday, i was happy the way it was, even with them not contacting me. Btw, i kinda hate how much males fale at communication. It kinda brings me down, but i don't let it, so i'm alright!
(And, just to let You know, i met A yesterday, a complete disaster, with a hint of the worst seasoning there is, and Bull Shit as a side dish.)

As well as wanted to let You know that my TTT (Tavas Tintes Traips) blog has been renamed, now it is "Growing Words", but knowing me, it might be changing. I really love the blog description line: "·¼ of my life·". And even though it is no more TTT, i will still be calling it TTT, since that is the Label that i used for it and i just like it! ;P

School tomorrow. Friday is PD (professional development), a day when only teachers have to go to school and learn new ways, strategies, tips in teaching, while we (students) have a day off! I am not complaining about that! School is just not for me, not any more!

I really want to be "Outta Here" [here being my school].

Kisses. Wet and ugly, and yet filled with all the love i can possibly give right now.

this is where if i was a kid i would go to my mommy and cry my eyes out

No one has ever been against the fact that exams are not an easy thing and not everyone has the privilege to always do good on them (even though this depends on so many (too many) external factors). (Fine, yeah, there are people who disagree, but you get my point.) Days and nights are messed up again and i know for sure that i am still tired and that i do need more sleep before my next exam, (but forget about that).

World issues was a pain in the big intestine and the retina of my right eye. No jokes. (Fine, the intestine part is not true.) I was scheduled to write the exam in room 211 (just like one half of our class). In the same classroom the other half class was a grade eleven Biology (ohh sweet irony). It was the same class where i wrote my English exam last week on Friday and our class was in almost the same rows, and i ended up sitting it the same place as Friday, sweet, don't You think? The teacher who was supervising was not good at what she was doing, but who am i to judge(?) (examples would be that she did not tell the kiddos that they can't have their pencil cases on the table). I was in my exam mood and had just begun the first part of the exam and then out of nowhere (actually not out of nowhere, but from the hall) came a grade eleven guy (no surprise! (no sexism intended)) and said out loud "oh, i guess i'm late" causing a small wave of laughter in the Bio rows (HA HA HA, VERY FUNNY, NO GO AND SIT DOWN!). Well that wasn't enough. An other girl this time, but she was blond (i did not notice the hair colour on purpose, it just stared at me, and no discrimination intended, i'm blond too!), came in the class late. She distracted the exam mood by her funny laugh (yeah, funny.... guess who thought that.. yup, the Bio kids, and one guy specifically, dude, get a room!) that she probably caught from her friend who was even more late for her own exam. So i was extracted. Twice. (DO YOU NEED A SEA OF APPLAUSE BEFORE YOU FIND YOUR SEAT?) After the girl finally sat down i was able to get back to paying attention to my matters.

The exam consisted of four parts. The first was 30 multiple choice questions that were pretty tricky and i needed more time for them then i had thought. The second part was short answer. We had a choice. They gave us a list of 19 terms and we had to pick 10. The short answer had to include what the thing is and how it is important, and mention an example. The third part was (You guessed it) long answer. Again we had a choice (oh, sir, you are fabulous). There where ten quotes accompanied by a question or two (or three). We had to answer four of the ten. Last, BUT not least essay question. Where there is a long question and we had to answer in an essay format (You know, the good old, introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion).

I was back in my writing mood and still on the first half of the multiple choice questions and i felt it coming. There i was in the first half an hour of the exam with a migraine. I wished, i begged it to go away, but it became worse and worse. I asked to go to the washroom (that happens as following, the supervisor teacher calls another teacher that will walk with you to the washroom and back, good they don't actually come in and hold my willy (TAKE A PAUSE FOR THE LAUGH ;D )). The teacher watched me wash my hands and rinse my face. Then we went back to the class (oh how i wish i could have ran away). For a second it really did feel better, i tried to keep my cool hand to my forehead where the pain killed the most. But then it got even worse. It felt like most of the time i had kept my teeth so tight together that they started to hurt. I kept saying myself that i have to finish the exam and then i can go, finish and go, finish and go, finish and go. Soon it had replaced every single thought in my head, even the unconscious thoughts that control the breathing and the common sense. So now i had to remind myself to inhale and exhale. Finish and go, inhale, finish and go, exhale, finish and go, inhale, finish and go exhale. The patterns was extracted by the curiosity of the time. I still had more then one and a half hours till the end. Finish and Go! I started the essay after sitting in my chair and going nothing but holding my head. Thoughts just wouldn't come to my mind even if i pleased them with the idea that this would not continue long. I begun writing it and had to pay attention to every letter, every line i drew. I couldn't. The last pages in my exam where a mess. If one was to find all pages separate, no one could tell that the first page was written by the same person as the last page. I wrote something. No paragraph in my essay contained more then five sentences. But it was done, in this exam i could not have left it blank, it is impossible to not come up with some answer. I did not care about the length (though it did peak in my mind), the structure, the content. All that mattered was that it was done. I put all the papers together handed it in and marked the time when i left, it was two minutes past eleven. I had finished the exam in two hours and seventeen minutes. Just like that another part of the semester had concluded. I went to my locker, got my jacket and boots and left to the bus stop.

It was not too cold outside, but the snow flakes where hitting my brows and melting faster then i could think of them. The wind was blowing in my face. I let it get me colder and colder. I was hoping that the cold could take away the headache, freeze it away. It did, for about one second after that i just felt more pain due to the extreme dose of the cold. The two buses got me home and without thinking i was in my bed. Took me about 40 minutes to fall asleep. Once i woke up the headache was not gone, but i did feel better.

..and the exam just felt like a dream.



Now i was thinking to apply to another university. But i shall see, let's not forget that i still have Biology exam at 8:45 and i have to be in school at least 30 minutes before. It is almost five in the morning now.

I know, i am not a smart person. Tell me something i don't know.

P.S. Hope that the sarcasm along the way did not distract You, but rather enriched the time You spent here.

empty shell, silent bell

Just like that.
"I screamed in your ear" and the time stopped. I have changed around my TTT blog added pages and stuff. Think it looks better now. Would be awesome if You could check it out.

I was going to make a contest, where i would give away a pair of those red olympic game glowes, but i run out of money (so i couldn't buy them) and time (so had no time to set something like that up) so i am guessing that that will remain as an idea.

"I just wish it was different..."

Passion of Skating with the Love of Fun

Shuuuu-upa. So.
English Exam was OK. I suppose. Well i think (at least i suppose that is what people call thinking) that it was not too hard. Our teacher really helped us to get ready and we went through examples from previous years and all that jazz. She told us what to expect and what the questions are going to be. Not exact. but as much as she was allowed to tell us. The exam is in two parts, a sight passage and an essay. Since it is a Board wide exam every grade 12 student in Ottawa-Carleton District School Board who had English in the first semester was writing this exam at the very same time as me and my class mates. The exam begun at 8:45 in the morning on Friday and we had two and a half hours to finish it (it was suggested that you spend 60 minutes on the sight passage and 90 on writing, planning and reading over your essay). In the first part there was a short written text that had to be read and then there where 5 questions. The first question on these exams is always to restate the writers thesis. Our teacher told us that they are looking for two ideas. The first is more broad and the second is more specific. The second question had a choice. There were four methods of development and you had to pick two, state the definition, find an example in the text and then state how that is the correct example. In this one i did good since in the last couple days of school our teacher gave a list of literary terms and told us which ones are more likely to be on the exam. In the third question we had to choose one of three given stylistic devices, and then the same as previous - definition, example, and why it is a good example. This i did well too. The next question had two parts to it. The first was to find one or two specific words that state the diction in a specific paragraph or sentence and the second part was to state the tone and, of course everything had to be proven. The last question was a personal response question. There was a choice of two sentences from the text and we had to choose one of them, say what the authors point of view is (in own words) and then say if we agree or disagree, and say why our opinion is as it is with examples and personal experience. I was done with this within an hour (just as was recommended). Then there was the second part. They gave us 4 essay prompts and by using one work studies in this year (for me the choice was, Brave New World, The Wars, Waiting for Godot and King Lear). I wrote about Brave New World. Chose the first prompt and it was something about how societal norms cause a character to struggle as reaching for his/her goals. Wrote about Bernard Marx. I wrote it in no time. Then read over it and was done within two hours in total. Then i left the room and felt sorta good.

Today i was planning to be on time to my Spanish class. It starts at 9:00 in the morning and it would take me about half an hour to get there, buts since buses don't come on request to get there before nine i have to leave at 8:15. My alarm (my silent alarm) was set on seven in the morning, since i was planing to take a shower before leaving. I woke up at half past eight. Was 20 minute late and came in to realize that there was a test today. I am 94% sure that i failed this one. I wasn't there last week, so i had no idea we were having a test. In today's class we (surprisingly) did not do too much. First the test, it took more time then the teacher though. Then he gave us a short lesson (do not remember on what it was). Then we listened to two songs and translated the lyrics. And the last thing we did was listened to two chapters of the book we are reading.. Then the bell rung. I got home, changed, ate (it took me two minutes to heat the lunch and two to eat it). Got my stuff together, went downstairs to the basement to get my skates and was on the go to the canal.

Tashpuks organized this because he was planning that the girl he likes will be there. At last minute she had called that she can't come. They met up at one in the after noon and went to the canal together. I was still on my way home at that time so i went and was planning to catch them. After skating for about half an hour i sent a msg to Tashpuks asking how far are they. He did not know (what a surprise -.-). After taking to him and another fella i analyzed the situation and figured that i am way past them. S now i was going back and searching for white coat and a face that i would recognize. There they were. Only four of them. It was two of the three "Russians" (yeah, Plaknis was there too), Tashpuks and the best friend of the girl Tashpuks really likes. Finally found them i was pleased. Skating alone might be fun, but i was not in the lonely mood (i know, not common :D). So now it was taking, laughing and, most importantly, skating with the Love of Fun in our eyes. We skated for quite a while. We got to the big lake thing and then went back. On my way i fell three times. The first was nice, like a dive on the ice. The third time i was not really moving fast and i just fell on my knees. The third time was a pain. Yup, a pain. It was in the last stretch, I was tired, but going pretty fast and then my skate met a big, nasty crack on the ice. I fell on my knees and slid for a little on the ice. This was not like the first one, since i was going much faster. There i was. Flat. At first i didn't really feel any pain. But as i begun to skate my knee was yelling a silent scream and begging me to stop and move no more. I didn't listen. We were almost done. Once we got to the end i dropped dead in the snow. Got off my skates and put my boots back on. Felt odd at first because this was the first time this winter i got on the ice. I was happy it was done. My red cheeks were freezing, but my hands were not, even though i had given my gloves to the other girl, she was freezing all this time. I was not. It was just my face that felt the need to get a hot chocolate. We went up to Rideau center. This is where Plaknis said he had to go. He shook hands with the guys and then.. HE GAVE ME A HUG.
HE GAVE ME A GOODBYE HUG! I felt like making a WTF face, but i didn't. What was he thinking? He had never hugged before, not even on my birthday.
He left and then the four of us went to the food court. Tashpuks and i were drinking hot chocolate and the other two were eating. I was not hungry, my body was still fighting with the two minute meal that it got earlier, before leaving the house. After a while we spent in the food court (i was watching the street outside getting darker and darker and the number of people that depended on how many buses had passes by) they decided to go and play pool. I was tired, exhausted, begging for home, and with a hurting knee so i said goodbye and went home. The bus ride was messed up because there was a black guy (no intention to be racist) sitting next to me who was reading his news paper all over the place. At one point my ribs got bugged by his elbow and at other points the news paper was in my face. I was happy that i lived down town (i mean, very close to it). I got of the bus and tackled the death ice eight in front of the door. I got in and was greeted by a MIaW by Giotto and a dinner that my mom had prepared earlier that day. It was delicious. I watched the cartoon movie about the chicken Running away (forgot the name of it) and now i am here.

I am very hard working on the new years resolutions. I plan to put them back in the side bar. I am trying to eat less carbs. I am trying to learn new things. Actually i have learned two already, now i know what i.e. and e.g. stand for. Do You know? ;D

Fine my love birds. I have two exams next week and a lot of Spanish homework for next Saturday. I plan to do NOTHING tomorrow. Well, maybe i will clean up my room, time will tell. But now i am craving for my soft pillow and comfy night shirt.

Kleopatra un ne pavisam.

Ārā gar logu glīti snieg pārslas un zem vilnas zeķēm paslēpušies visi nervu gali. Man šodien ir nedaudz, pavisam nedaudz silti. Paplakusi ir pašas sirds un prātu moka sabiedriskas raizes, personīgās jau sen noskalotas un atrodas jau tur kur ūdeni laiž uz otro pusi.
Labvakar vai labrīt nodzied panīkum putni. Vai tā tam ir jābūt?

Piektdiena. Pēdējā skolas diena pirms brīvlaika. Nē, nu labi, rīt ir sestdienas skola, bet tik un tā.
Ar dunci rokā es kā maniaks brutāli nogalēju savas brīvdienas.
FUCK IT!

Nu labi, lai jau. Eju nedaudz pagulēt tad uz skolu.
Ir nakts vidus.
3 no rīta.

Es gribu mācēt pasmaidīt, kaut nedaudz.

Elektriski..(?)

Es nezinu kā to visu sauc. Par marasmu vai neprātu vai gluži vienkārši par mākslīgu elekrtisku enerģiju, kas negribīgi dzen uz priekšu, bet tā, kā nekur netiek; vismaz uz priekšu ne. Paslēpties ir pavisam vienkārši, bet izlīst ārā, kad spēle jau galā gan nav tik viegli.
Pirmdien uzmeistaroju pirmo kūku savā dzīvē. Nē, nu kaut kādas jau es biju cepusi, bet šī ir kārtainā. Mammai bija dzimšanas diena.
Vēl nav izdevies to nogaršot.

Pavisam nelaicīgi nāk sasmērētais sviest, kas visu tikai vairāk un vairāk sanes dēli.

Esmu atsākusi runāt ar Plakni, pagaidām gan tikai Facebooka līmenī, bet tomēr, es domāju, ka tas skaitās. Pavisam drīz (cerams) arī skaips leks no biksēm ārā ar dīvainām sejiņām un absolūti tukšām sarunām.

Zābaks tik pat sarkans. Pirms neilga laika zem milzīgā uzraksta parādījās "I would cry if my tears weren't frozen". Nē, tas laikam nu jau ilgāk ne neilgi.

TTT (for those who don't remember TTT = Tavas Tintes Traips) pēdēja laikā nav bijis dāsni apdāvināts, bet kam gan ir laika? Nekam!

Neprātīgā ātrumā tuvojās Ziemassvētki. Es neesmu gatava. Man labāk patīk iesaiņot dāvanas nekā tās gādāt. Smieklīgi bija tas, ka vienai dāvanai (draudzenei bija dzimšanas diena) man bija uzmeistarots gaumīgs auduma maisiņš, kur dāvanu ielikt PIRMS man vispār bija pati dāvana. Dāvanas vispār ir jēla lieta, bet man tik un tā patīk, gans saņemt, gan dot. Tas rada prieku. Kā jau pie svētkiem arī šajā kaktā katru svētdienu paštaisītā adventes vainagā iedegās liesmiņas. Un pavisam nesen tika ceptas arī šīs sezonas pirmās piparkūkas. Pie durvīm ir piekārts skuju vainags. Atliek vien savārīt zirņus un visus pārējos gardumus, iegādāt egli, sapirkt + sasaiņot dāvanas, nopirkt mandarīnus (manu prāt izcila Ziemassvētku sastāvdaļa), brīnumsvecītes utt un Svētki jau būs pie durvīm pieklauvējuši.
Dzirdēju, ka LV šogad zemu grādi nokrituši. Tas labi, man prieks. Citādi jau kāre aizsūtīt sniegu. Šeit tas ir daudz, ļoti daudz.
Autobusu izmantošana ir atkal dzimusi un ritenis drūmi tup garāžā. Nu neko. Auksts.

Now MTP (Major Term Paper)

Advente

Adventes kalendārs tomēr ir diezgan nožēlojams izgudrojums. Vismaz, kad nonācis manās rokās. Vakar apēdu kādas (tiešām neskaitīju precīzi. kauns? idk) 10 šokolādītes pēc kārtas. Jā desmit. Tagad vairākas dienas būs jāsēž bešā. Adventes vainaga otrā svece otrdien ar tika iedegta neviļus. Īsi pirms divpadsmitiem. "Pareizi, šodien taču svētdiena." Lai gan par aizdecināto svecīšu skaitu es jau aizdomājos no rīta pirms došanās pie datora. ("Kā izskatīsies draugiem.lv ar divām svecītēm 'iedegtām' sākumlapā.") Bet tanī brīdī pas svecīšu iedegšanu nedomāju.

Adventes Ziemassvētku gaidīšanas laiks. Taisnība? Jā, protams, man vienmēr ir taisnība. Domāju, ka vairumam jau tā pat ir zināms, ka es šogad Ziemassvētkus negaidu un negribu. Ziema vispār vairāk nerada jaukas emocijas. Piekāst Ziemu. CANCEL  

Un uz jautājumiem "kāpēc?" neatbildu.

Aizgājušais gads bijis dikti nomācošs un turpina tāds būt. Nav kārē pēc nekāda prieka un dāvanām. Bet ku nu par to?

Sestdien ciemos bija daži draugi. Mans labākais draugs (inCan) ir atradis meiteni, kas viņam šķiet patīk un viņai viņš arī. Man prieks, patiešām. Bija labs vakars. Laikam. Atnāca arī viņš. Jā, draugi. That was the deal. But can I? 

Eh.

Eju gulēt.(?)

written in May 2009.

You are an immortal. And somehow you seem to hate everything about yourself, but your mind always lands on this one little hope, - that no matter what, you have your friend there for you. And you just know thet he is going to love you no matter what.

So, if someone who you bearly know tells u that you are an ugly loser who has no life, you seem to not care. Why? Becuase this person doesn't even know you, there for he can't know anything about your life.

But then your only friend, - the one who you trust more then anything in your life, the one who you love no matter what he has done because he has always been with you in those special moments; and he has held your hand when things have been too tough to handle. - Tells you in your face everything that you hate about yourself, in every detail, with endless floods of hate. He tells you how misrable your life is and what a low-life creature you are.

Your brain sudenly loses sence of reality.
You feel like you are in the worst nightmare that has ever been.
And you close down,
you shut up.You have nothing to say back.
Your eyes fill up with tears. There is so much of them that you could drown.

There is this sudden pain (that has not left since) and you cut your self open and you shoot out everything that you can, just to make him feel like you; though there is no pain that could be compared to this.
There, you and your only friend in the middle of the worst fight that no frindship can survive.
The pain is terrible.
It is as if you are the most sensible being in the whole universe and someone is ripping your heart out. But it woun't, the heart just stays inside your chest in an open wound and keeps on beating.
The pain is so bad that you wish you never had a heart, you wish you never had anything.
You wish you were a mortal. The pain is worse then any phisical pain, then any other emotional pain. It is like surviving an earthquake all by yourself. It is like you are the bridge that was built for a purpose, but can't function. You collapse.

But you hope, you think that a "sorry" might fix it all. It is your last hope to end the pain.
But even after the "sorry"s have been said, the pain is still present, it has decided to stay there forever.
It is never visible to others, but it burns inside of you like an olimpic tourch right by your heart, never stops burnung.
Now, whenever someone tells you those things the pain grows, and even if the fiend is someone who does not know you, it still hurts. No, burns.
Why? Because you know that it is true. Deep beneath the surface you scream to your self, that he is right.
And now, you have no friends, because the pain that abids in you does not let you to get close to anyone - ever - because deep inside you don't want the pain to grow - it is just too hard, it's just too hard, unbarable.
But you do talk to people.
You even talk to the one who caused all this pain. Why? Because you are too wounded to relize that the world keeps on turning. You are ready to bear anything..
But every time you see him you remember that time, and that feeling will never let the pain go.
And you feel like a pathetic dog.
You keep hoping, wishing that some day everything will sudenly go good again.
So you stay loyal to you 'good' old friend and every time you do a favour for him, you feel even more pathetic and useless..
This will never end, because there is this hope that is inside.
...and the pain, it subsists in you,
it has no weekends, holydays, celebrating days.
It has you. .. the pain just lives inside and keeps growing bigger and bigger...

..You just wish you could collapse and end it all, but you can't, because you are an immortal.



... ... ... thats what it feels like.

Tā tas ir bijis pirms tam un tā tas būs mūžīgi! :[

multitasking

Nu tā. Orģināli bija domāts, ka 'New Post' būs par to kā labāk un efektivāk darīt vairākas lietas vienlaicīgi. To mūsdienās spēj izdarīt ar vien vairāk un vairāk cilvēki. Šobrīd fonā skan faking Eminems (es tiešām neiznu kāpēc!!), ziņas (vajag priekš World Issues mājas darba), tam paralēli cenšos spēlēt zynga pokeri, runāt pa skype, meklēt info Can Fam projektam un, protams, rakstīt šo te, (tas viss ir neskaitot to, ka blakus stāv vēl dzimšanas dienas kūkas gabaliņš, bet to nedrīkst teikt, jo esmu pie mammas datora).
Manu prāt, labi tas nav, jo akurātāk lietas var izdarīt tikai, tad, ja nokoncetrējās tikai vienai lietai. Un tā visas pēc kārtas. Mans minējums ir, ka gala rezultāts būs daudz, daudz labāks un kvalitatīvāks.

Gribēju vēl šo to raktīt, bet es jau vairs neatminos ko..
Tad nu viss, pagaidām!

Guano Apes - Open Your Eyes

.

personality & career

Izrādās, ka esmu ideāliste.

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials. Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things. Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds. Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers. Idealists at Work Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. They are naturally drawn to working with people and are gifted with helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potential both on, and off, the job. Conscience looms large for you; in almost any situation, you feel compelled to measure yourself, other people, and the conditions of the environment against your personal morality. You have a tendency to perceive questions of meaning in even trivial matters and to worry about far-flung consequences of your actions. In your ideal job, you are free to pursue depth rather than breadth and quality rather than quantity. You feel rewarded when your projects and daily tasks allow you to immerse yourself in your process as deeply as you "need to" in order to satisfy your inner standards of quality. You are uncomfortable with the notion of authority per se and may avoid leading, as well as being led, either consciously or unconsciously. As you experience them, adhering to fixed roles and rules amounts to an abdication of your responsibility to exercise your conscience.

Savukārt cits personības tests sacīja, ka man vajadzētu strādāt darbā, kur cilvēkiem nākas uz mani paļauties un, kur spēju būt izpalīdzīga, jo tas ir laikam, tas, kas man patīk. No apmēram desmit izmestajām profesijām, visvairāk mani piesaistīja assistant director un stage manegment. Jo teātris viennozīmīgi ir man mīļa lieta.

Tad kāda citā mājaslapas career test rezultāti vēstīja, ka "Career choice often are: Editor, Journalist, Teacher, Strategic Planner, Consultant, Performing Arts, Marketing, Communications, Research and Development." Un skaitos, ka cilvēks plānotājs.

Vēl career planner apgalvo, ka esmu INTP. Nezinu īsti, kas tas ir, bet ieliku aprakstu. (Kā piemēri tika minēti Einšteins un Ņūtons. /chuckle/)

INTP's are described as:
Introverted and reserved.
Enjoys spending time alone more than meeting new people.
Prefers to have a few close friends rather than a large number of friends.
In a room full of strangers will tend to be more quiet.
Typically avoids being the center of attention.
Hard to know what they are thinking. You will have to ask them what they are thinking.
Intuitive and imaginative.
Big picture oriented, does not enjoy details.
Prefers dealing with theory, concepts and the abstract.
Tends to focus on the future and what is in their minds rather than what is happening around them in the present.
Typically does not pay much attention to what their five senses are telling them i.e. hearing, seeing etc.
Likes to see patterns and the underlying meaning of things.
Enjoys mental and cerebrial activities over physical activites.
Good memory for concepts and theories but not good at remembering details and numbers.
Thrives on ambiguity and the unknown.
Objective, logical and analytical.
Can be impersonal at times, can appear cold and uncaring.
Thick-skinned, not very sensitive.
May be hard to get to know.
More concerned that things make logical, objective sense than what other people think.
More concerned with logic and what makes sense than what people say is right or wrong.
Being organized is not all that important.
Experiencing as many things a possible is extremely important.
Plans, schedules and goals are sometimes useful but not critical for enjoying life.
Being flexible and adaptable is critical to enjoying life.
With so many things to do, projects usually don't get finished until the last minute.
Life is a continuos, flowing process.
Description of INTP's:
INTP's are known as the "Engineers" or the "Architects" of the 16 personality types
They live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into.
They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems, identify patterns, and come up with logical explanations.
They are easy going, flexible and adaptable.
INTP's usually prefer not to have to lead or manage people.
INTP's thrive when there are few rules, guidelines and restrictions. They need freedom.
Their internal world is highly structured and logical and does not need structure imposed by the external world.
Being introverted, reserved, objective, and logical, they may appear cold and hard to get to know.
INTP's prefer careers where:
* Management allows people to be self directed.
* There are several opportunities to demonstrate competence.
* The culture appreciates fair but tough decision making.
* The work offers the opportunity to rapidly change direction and to respond to problems as they arise.
* The work is fun and allows for some spontaneity.
* You can apply your natural ability to focus and concentrate, rather than multitasking.
* The environment allows for freedom and flexibility and is loosely structured without too many rules.
* The environment, culture and pace allow you to consider things fully before having to respond.
* The work allows you to work at a careful steady pace.
* The work involves theory and speculation.
* The work allows you adequate private time to work alone and to concentrate.
* The work involves creativity, imagination and a creative approach to problem solving.
* The work involves looking beyond the present i.e. future possibilities, future products, future actions.
* The work is not limited to what exists today but involves "what may be" and "what could be".
* The work allows you to utilize your natural ability to analyze and make objective, logical decisions.
* The work allows you to utilize your natural ability to provide others with direction and supervision.
* The environment is more structured and disciplined, being on time and following procedure is considered important.

Vēl Bez visa tā pēc viena testa viena no ieteicamajām profesijām bija izmeklētājs. (Kad es biju, laikam, piektajā klasē, biju iespiedusi paurī, ka gribu būt izmeklētājs. Tā domāju apēram divus gadus, bet neatminos kāpēc, šī doma tika nolikta maliņā.

Bet, runājot PAVISAM arklāti mana sapņu profesija ir būt spiegam, bet tas laikam nesanāks.

P.S. Liels paldies 'manam mīļajam googlam'

same place, different view

Back in CA!
School - a lot of homework; have a class with Tašpuks; don't like my biology class; and my online course did not work out because my school board did not offer the course i want..; aside from all the negative, i love the idea that this is the last year, grade 12 (!), can't wait for it to be over. Oh, and i promissed to my self that i would work harder this year (last year i slacked off, and did almost nothing to make everything good).. With the new week im planing to start to go to the fitness club again.
Oh, and we have a long weekend, haven't yet found out why, but im sort of happy, can sleep in and FINALY cleen up my room (it's a mess!!).

Feels great to be a senior student who is in grade 12! (Tho it is sad that many friends who graduated are not around any more.) Feels like the other students respect you (cuz ex. in grade 9 it felt like other students had a laugh at what i was wearing or how i did things..). And people who are your classmates are way more mature then they were, it feels like im a human being, not a kid.

In..14 days im turning 18!

18!!!

nevaru vien sagaidīt! (:

it is not that simple

yesterday morning i skipped my jog, but i did go running this morning. So i said to my self that it is ok. (n i really didn't care if it was true or not, makes no difference)

Here are just some points from yesterday:

1. My math teacher knows that i can do better, n he hopes that i will, just for the exam. I just have to study. n try. n believe i can!

2. (this one is actually from Tuesday..) Our Bio teacher actually cares about us and what we plan to do after school!

3. GGG was an amazing experience! And im saying it cuz i believe it, yesterday i felt the same feeling that i felt in ecuador! Luv it!

4.I will try harder, i just don't know when... :|


Sorry for being so.. so... booring.. i just want school to be over!!

just

only one thread at a time..
..
ha ha
..stupid canadians!
:p

ecstacy of ..w/e

Pagājušajā nedēļā ar teātra klasi bijām uz izrādi Extacy of Rita Joe. Skiatās viena no slavenākajām/labākajām kanādiešu izrādēm. Un jāteic, ka iestudējums ar bija dikti labs.
Izrādi skatījāmies NAC. Pirms 30 gadiem, šī bija pirmā izrāde, kad šajā vietā tika izrādīta publikai. Luga ir par pirmiedzīvotājiem Kanādā. Cik sūra bija dzīve, par to cik ļoti 'baltie' cilvēki tādus ir apspieduši. Galvenajās lomās ir juana sieviete, viņa ir nolēmusi doties prom no rezervāta uz pilsētu (Vankūveru). Pilsētā viņai neiet kā cerēts un viņa nonāk tiesas priekšā un starp desmit (?) apsūdzībām ir arī zagšana, prostetūcija...utt. Bet tas viss tāpēc, ka viņa ir Sieviete, Pirmiedzīvotāja, Nabadzīga. Dēļ šiem trim apstākļiem viņa arī iekļūst ķezās. Sākotnēji, kad luga tika pirmo reizi uzvesta (1967, laikam) visas lomas spēlēja 'baltie'. Un biblikā arī bija tikai un vienīgi baltie. Luga lika cilvēkiem saprast to, cik nelāgi un netaisnīgi viņi ir izturējušies pret šiem iedzīvotājiem. Luga tā teikt, atvēra acis...
Cik atminos, pagājušajā gadā bija formālā atvainošanās šiem cilvēkiem. Viņi to bija gaidījuši vairākus gadus.

....ir vieglāk saprast to, kas patiešām IR Kanādas vēsture...

ps. Cepum, čau! :))