just talk ?

I was homesick all evening. It sorta killed me, not everything, but a tiny, tiny part of me definately died. I wrote a poem that made me cry when I read over it. It starts off with anger, anxiety, then fast transforms into pain. Not the one you get now and then, but the pain that sits inside all the time and never leaves. And the pain becomes real quiet as the last line concludes, but it's still there, never letting go.
I cried because it starts of so strong, as if I've got the whole world in my hands, but going through the pain the poem becomes powerless, as if there's nothing that can be done to reduce the pain. I cried because it shows how I feel every now and then, it made me sad. I try not to think that way, but I'm never able to control it, not all the way.


I went to a party at the student union today (yesterday that is). I'm pretty sure it wasn't the best thing to do, but hey, better than sitting all alone in my room. None of my friends were there, at least none of those that I say are my friends. So I went there alone hoping to meet someone I'd know. I met my flatmates and their friends. I know they dislike me, but I joined their circle anyway. There can't be anything worse than dancing alone at a party, in my opinion. So right away I start searching for a cute guy. There were a few whom I had noticed previous weeks, but none were good enough. (Ok, there was one, but he already had a girl around his neck.) Quite a few Scottish guys tried some lame pick up lines, and really bad dance moves. Good try, NAT!


There was this really nice guy that I met though. He's Scottish as well but we started dancing together because my flatmates had went for a drink, and everyone else was elsewhere. So for several times during the night we just sticked together so to say. He tried to get me to dance with him, kinda form one of those couples that you see by the end of every party. I said i just wanted to dance, i didn't however mention that I refused his invite due to the fact that HE was the one inviting. We went outside for a smoke. That was him smoking, me just admitting that I had cigarettes with me, just in case I feel like having one, but I stayed off of them and tried to understand what he and and another guy were talking about. (Yeah, the accent is still sometimes a barrier when communicating with people who have never ever lived outside of Scotland.) I found out that he plays in the american football team (so did the guy that I nicknamed Dog, the first one I went to a date in this country). As it turns out there's about 45 of them. And the cute guy with the gal around his neck is in the team as well. Bullocs ? I think so.


I left the party at about 20 minutes before 3 am (the party ends at 3, and it's always good to leave right before everyone does). By now the dance floor had several 'party couples' but not as many as other nights. The room smelled of sweat and upset men. Most of them were still trying to hunt down some gal. I wanted to leave, the image of the place was sad. Very sad, in any possible way. And the worst part was that I was there, a part of the picture. I found my jacket and in no time I was on my way to the student residence. I allowed myself to have one cigarette. Sew me, i don't care, i'm still a non-smoker. I just have a cigarette or two (or more) on days when I'm kinda depressed, or just drunk and stupid. This was a combination of both.

On my way I was thinking, again, about how sad such parties are, so degrating. And I wondered, all this time I've been going to them. Same agenda: drinks, party, dancing, men, dancing, more drinks, maybe a decent guy, getting back to the rez late, hangover next morning. The SAME every friday. Why had I stayed to the same routine almost every weekend since in Scotland. Why? A thrill, meeting new people, drinking, but the main reason was letting all out on the dance floor. Just enjoying the sounds of music and dancing. Just dancing! Yeah, that's why I go back. (Haha, now I know!) So I was walking all alone and thinking, and I realized what I want. The perfect situation that could be. This is what I came up with: I want to talk. Talk with a person who would listen, a person who I would want to listen to. And just say EVERYTHING, that comes across the mind. We'd be sitting on a bench during fall or spring. The weather would be not too cold, but we would have our jackets on. We'd talk in a fairly late evening, the sun would set soon. In front of us would be a view of a city. Any city, but we'd have a wonderful view, just to make it more perfect. We would talk for hours, days if we had to. I really want that to happen, I want to talk, cry if I must, and laugh, of course. Yes, I want to talk, but most importantly I want to find someone to talk to.


I got to my room and drank some water. Had a kit-kat break, hehe. Went to bed and begun writing this post. When I was describing the party, guess what happened. The fire alarm went of. I was considering staying in my room, but the sound was capable of murdering, I had to go outside. Very upset I got on some clothes and was outside. I treated myself with a cigarette, and I apollagized my self when I was done. "Sorry," I whispered. It was cold outside and now the alcohol was no more warming me up. It was about half part four in the morning. I could see in other people faces that I wasn't the only one mad about this.


I'm back in my room now and I think I should get some sleep.


Sweet dreams to all.

izvilkumi

21.marts

Gaidīšana.

Es esmu sniega kupena
Veļā tērpta pie Tava lieveņa,
Vēl nedaudz, tad būtu kaila.

Vai vasaras vidus,
Vai rudens bijums,
Es gaidu, kad durvju zvanam
atbildēs aicinājums iekšā.

Man nav ne atslēgas,
Pat nezinu vai adrese īstā,
Bet es gaidu un nekusīšu nekad.

Tu vari ar sniega lāpstu
Pagrūst uz kaimiņu pusi,
Vai uzvelt sniega vīru - puskailu.


18.maijs

Noslēpums.

Es iegrimu dejas solī
Slēptā, nepasacītā, nedaudz samelotā.
Tā tam būs palikt,
Jo man nav spēja pasacīt.

Stefānijas un mans,
Mūsu mēmais noslēpums.
Pierakstīti soļi uz papīra lapām
Un ievākoti, lai nepazūd.

Pat pēc pastaigas garas
Man gribās vēl nedaudz.
Un tāpēc mēs sadancosim arī rīt,
Bet to tu vēl nezini.

Jo šodien klusē
Gan pilsēta tumsā,
Gan sarga iedomu suns,
Jo deja ir vēl kā mūsu noslēpums.


20. maijs

***

Gar pēdu pirkstiem nemitīgi
vijās tavas jūtas.
Tad tuvu ausij čukst tavas
aukstasinīgās melu vētras.
Ne es vairs noturēt spēju
savās plastmasas rokās,
Ne vairs kāds pa plauktiem
spēj samest trūcīgos.
Es aizziepētu muti ar ķimeņu ērcēm
un pielūgtu tavu vējaino prātu;
Man pieaugtu nevajadzīgs pāris,
atkal plastmasas rokas.
Nabadzīgo lūpas nesīs tās tālāk,
lai it kā ko labāku izdarīt spētu.
Piešuj taču man klāt,
ka tuvoties aizliegts,
Lai tie, kas aplami vijās
zin, ka arī citur ir ceļš.


1. jūnijs

*** (vēl neizdomāts nosaukums.)

Nodevējs,
Tu esi mans personīgais nodevējs.

Tu puksti kā pulkstenis pie sienas
un liec man justies kā ievainotam gladiatoram.

Man nav kur paslēpties, kur palīgu lūgt,-
Man nav mājas,
šeit es nejūtos kā nākas.

Termometra stabiņš rāda jaunu alerģiju,
tā ir pret sāpēm, -
Es laikam miršu.

Sastrutojusi ir vainīgā sāpe,
kas dziļi zem īsceļiem mīt.
Un starp elles uguns dēmoniem
ir tieši septiņas sirdis.

Tās netiek ne slēptas, ne mierinātas.
Tās pukstot skaita laiku,
līdz pašas par dēmoniem tiks.


13. jūnijs

Pathetic

A ten dollar happiness -
can be bought and burned to base.
So pathetic and yet so true.

Can be gotten in any store,
but forbidden to all of us,
the ones who need the most.

Need and want, sometimes all the same.
Like a homeless man who wishes
that one day a key will be in his hand -

I wish i had my ten dollars
the ones that kill,
the ones that never leave my mind


15.maijs (nepabeigts)

Starp egoisma robežām
un neapzinātām kļūdām
tup mana dūmu dvēsele,
ar uguns liesmu dur.

Vēl tūkstots aklu acu
vēro ikkatru ...

še daži, kas man pašai vairāk patīk. Izvilkti no mana spirāļblociņa. :]

Vakardiena bija foršā četretā spēlējām
POOL (not the swiming one) un
pavadījām laiku pļāpās un smieklos!

this is 4 sure

Hello!
in three weeks i shall tell u one thing!
but im not telling u now, cuz u wount like it! ;p


Lāci - es dabūju! ;)) he he he
nē. mu ha ha ha ha

Louis Armstrong - Wonderful World
Kanye West - Stronger

zem uzlādētu mākoņu jūras

otrā diena.
Rītu sāku ar tikko izžuvušo drēbju sakārtošanu, līdz ar to izpalika mīļum mīļās brokastis.
No rīta, nedaudz smidzināja. Somu, lai vieglāk mīties, nomainīju ir krietni mazāku.. denas laikā tas tracināja, jo nevarēju salikt tajā visu, ko vajag! Kad tiku līdz skolai biju tikai knapi mitra = tas labi! :)

esmu cilvēks, kas mīl braukt ar riteni. Un man ļoti patīk lietus.. tad nu padomā cik labā garastāvoklī biju ceļā uz mājām. Tas jau nekas, ka palieku slapja, jo mājās tač var pārģērbties, pietam trešdienas vakarā pēc skolas tik uz mājām! :)
Viss būtu gandrīz ideāli, ja vien manas baltās Ekv. kurpes nebūtu netīras un mans penālis nebūtu izmircis, bet vsmz skolas papīriem un grāmatām viss OKī! :))

pirmo reizi pēc ilgas slinkošanas izpildīju matemātikā mājasdarbu! :D
njā,.. eh!

vakar vēlu aizgāju gulēt, bet dienas liakā padarīju daudz!

viss man!

tikai šodien, citās dienās tu vari savā proscēnijā tēlot cik tīk un vairāk, bet šodiena bija man! Prožektora gaisma krīt man virsū, lai izceltu vēl vairāk.
Tātad, šodien

• es atsāku braukt ar savu riteni, es TO mīlu! ♥ ♥ ♥ (vakardien salaboju, Tašpuks nomainīja kameru, bet es pieliku riteni atpakaļ vietā un pieliku jauno zvaniņu, gaismiņas + spogulīti, kas patiesībā ir visai nevajadzīgs))
• sakārtoju istabu, kas bardakā jau smaka apmēram mēnesi! :o ... bet tagad, viss ok ;)
• matemātikā uzrakstīts gala darbs, vienu uzdevumu gan īsti nesapratu, bet vismaz viena lieta galā...(vsp skolā pēdējās dienas būs murgos, un tad vēl eksāmeni jūnija beigās...brrr)
• uzlaboju sev garīgo ar pavisam negaidītām idejām
• sapratu, ko gribu... tas tev neko neizsaka, bet man tas nozīmē ĻOTI DAUDZ.

Labi, es eju gulēt!

ps. 100% smēķētāju nomirs,




100% nesmēķētāju arī! ;)

tas mijās ar faktu, ka dzīve ir sasodīti īsa tik un tā! :p