Journal

My thoughts are like a sleeveless shirt - absolute rubbish when it gets cold. Could someone please kindly turn off winter vibes? Pretty please? It's a bit difficult to concentrate when the sunlight is hiding, and when birds don't sing as loud as they do in summer time. Mind goes black as my feet struggle to stay warm in the super cosy warm socks. Memory seems to fail me in short term tasks, just like a summer dress fails to cover ones body. Sometimes I honestly wonder, how can they be called piece of clothing, when nothing is left for ones imagination? One can wonder, right?

I'm trying to write another journal. I've not done that for years now. But thoughts all just boil into a tasteless soup. Many years in the future, I think, I will wonder what the every-day life was like. I'll ponder about what my happiness levels were, and what my thought demons were up to. I want to have something to go back to. Something for myself to remind me how to pretend to be sane in times of madness. I want to have a droplet of hope when pain seems to overwhelm. Like some sort of survival guide, but not really. I want to remember forever what it's like to be me, I don't want to lose myself too much. As these years have passed, I have discovered that I'm not such a terrible person. One must always remain true to oneself, and one must have pride, but also be humble.

End of thought.
Night, night.

Colours of the Rainbow Shine on You

It's all lies. No matter what I say, I can never tell 100% truth. I don't trust anyone, I don't trust you. It's funny how people always think that you have to pick one side in everything in life. Well here goes the truth, there isn't just black and white. Life is like a rainbow. There is no pure evil, or pure angels on this planet. We all have some things we'd rather not share with anyone, and we all have things that we are proud of. We just have to make sure that the wrong people never find out about certain things.

So let's have a drink for the stories that can not be told.

Cik ilgi gan var klusēt?

Klusēšana esot zelts. Kāpēc gan? Mīļie ļaudis, patiesība ir nedaudz savādāka kā sākumā varētu šķist. Īstajā dzīvē ir tā, ka nevienam neiet pie sirds klusētāji. Viņi ir aizdomīgi maitas, un līdz ar to cilvēki no tādiem turas pa gabalu. Tā nu viņš ir. Mirstīgie ir ļoti piesardzīga suga, viņiem nepatīk, ja viņi visu nezina un neredz, jo tad viņi jūtas bezspējīgi, nu tādi pavisam mazi un viegli ievainojami. Līdz ar to, sevis labad visi izvairās no klusētājiem.

Paliekot uz tās nots, varu droši apgalvot, ka esmu klasisks 'klusētājs'. Kāpēc? Jo es klusēju.

Bet tas nav būtiski. Vēlējos pastāstīt par to atziņu, ka runāšana ir sudrabs, bet klusēšana zelts. Āķis, kas jārij, ir tas, ka klusēšana ir zelts tikai tad, ja zini kad un ko noklusēt. Savukārt klusēt visu laiku, tas nav vairs zelts, bet gan putnu biedēklis. Ne velti runāšanai ir piešķirta godpilnā otrā vieta. To gan ir jāiemācās pareizi pielietot, jo tie, kas nepārtraukti muld ir zābaki. Tā ir!

Bet es vēl tikai mācos par klusuma pareizo pielietojumu. Instrukcijas nav, skolotāja ar nav, tad nu atliek visu apgūt pašmācības ceļā.

Klusums.

Ja klusums, tad klusums. Cienījamie viesi, šodien it visiem un it visam ir jāklusē, jāmīt nāves klusumā. Es pavēlu jums klausīt un darīt kā lieku, citādi no kalniem velsies melu plūdi. Skalos balstus, un visi aizmirsītim kā pareizi elpot.

Saldu dusu rausīši.
Es tas pats.
"Dod man ar!"

Rīt, starpcitu, dodos atpakaļ uz Skotiju.

Tu [ne]saki.

Aj, neko jēdzīgu nevaru uzrakstīt, tāpēc izvēlos klusēt.

Bang Bang..

Maniac, i say maniac. You are the maniac of my life. You sit inside me and don't let me go. You control me as a captain controlling its own Titanic. We all are doomed to fail sooner or later. Why delay these thing? But there you are keeping me away from extinction and following the so called common sense.
All i need is to get away. Away from days, go and live only at night. Live with a lower life and breed of of drugs and alcohol. But you say no, you keep my head cool when all i can think of is going underground. You keep me down on earth on nights and days when i just want to fly in the clouds. You order me to do things i don't want to do. You scream like a raped child in my head, you never let me free.


Yesterday got home at around half past three. I was walking and the cold just hit my face. Slap by slap. It was numb, i didn't feel a thing. The skirt was still cheating on guys, one by one, but all i cared was that i had to walk. Just walk. Never did i mention the destination in my mind. Even the other me kept out of this. She had been yelling at me all night, so it was time for everyone to shut up. I got home, colder then ice and crawled into my bed the blanket was at my feet. I was so cold and yet i relied on myself to regain the warmth. I couldn't fall asleep. Thoughts kept waking me up. And in total i had slept four hours with more then ten times waking up during this so called sleep time. The other me tried to keep me in the bed, so i could get some more sleep. But my body needed to move. I finally changed and tried my best to get out of the bed with the right leg. A fail. My head is still dizzy and i am rethinking so many things in my head.

I'm am beginning to be even more careless.
Never did i know that that was possible.

Song: Bang Bang by Nancy Sinatra

Maldoties

Atstāj pēdas nospiedumus,
kur izlieti vīni kādā
dzelžainā rītā.

Rod saules pieskārienu,
kad nevar vairs just
odekolona rūgto smaržu.

Mākslas kārā būtne
pazuda nepareizās valodas tulkojumā.
Tie visi šķita kā no papīra griezti.

Tavs fotogēniskais smaids -
tas mirdz ikkatrā bildē,
kas mani uzrunā personiski.

Vēl dažas stundas un tad
noslēgsies kārtējā brīvā nogale
un zemajam startam izkausēs jaunu lodi.

Mati būs izpūruši, bet gaiši.
Tie būs salipuši no saldā sīrupa,
kas tika liets citiem mērķiem.

Raksts zeķē vai cimdā,
tik un tā nesanāk pareizi.
Labāk nedarināt vispār.

Saspiest īkšķi starp citiem, -
starp gļēviem pirkstiem,
tie neko vairāk par cerību nezin.

Pazaudē sevi un neatrod.
Es padodos, jo rokas vairs neklausa.
Neesmu radusi saņemties.

tikko tapis dzejolītis, būtu priecīga zināt jūsu viedokli! ;)
Kā jau ikviens labs šedevrs arī šis ir tikai melnraksts un ar
laiku gan jau būs lietas, ka mainīsies.
Būs mīļi, ja palīdzēsiet.
Rakstiet komentāros! (tas ir iekliedziet!) :D