Letter

Dear,

It's hard to be here so far away from you. I am distancing myself, it's a defence mechanism, there is nothing I can do to stop it. When I'm with you, I'm there 100% and more. When we're together I embrace every second I'm there. I smile at you so much it hurts my cheeks. The day blends together with night, there is no time; it's just moments we get to spend together. 

I go through my day thinking about you. I wonder what I would be telling you now, or how I'd be playing with your hair. I fly away remembering how beautiful your kisses feel.

But then I trail away to reality - I'm here, and you're there - far away. And I wonder what you are doing, what you are not telling me, and what you are telling me. I wonder how tough is work for you, and how evil your boss is this day. I wonder how your family is doing. I wonder if all the things you tell me are true. I wonder about when I might see you again.. That is, of course, if I ever will see you again. I wonder how badly I want to see you smile. And then, again, I wonder if all that is the truth. 

I want to quit, and I want to leave it be. But then again, I don't want to hurt you (that is, if all what you say is the truth). I thought I could handle this, I thought it would be so much easier, but it's not. And as time goes by, it only becomes harder to bare. I want to smile when I think of you, but yet there is this tiny tear that meets the corners of my eyes. I dream for all the adventures we might be going on, but then I think of how I will back out on the last moment. I dream. Yes, lately you've even showed up in my dreams, and then I wake up all rested in the morning. I wake up well, but then I open my eyes and you're not there next to me. You're far, far away. 

I wish I had the strength to tell you this, because there are so very little things that are left unsaid. I feel well with you, and I feel like I can actually trust you. But then there are moments when doubt arises and it brings me to tears. Everything is so uncertain. 

But I will stay here, at times I'll be all for you, but other times I'll let a call from you go astray, even though hearing your voice is like a raindrop in a desert.

I'm here now, 

but I believe it will not be for long,

truly yours... 

Gym

Life keeps changing around me. There are some things that remain constant, however, there are also things that don't stop changing. I keep changing in ways I never thought possible, outlook on life keeps changing as well.

You know how there is people who talk a lot about doing something. Well I'm one of them. But in some ways I've finally begun actually doing stuff. I should't get too excited though, since there still are many plans that I have not completed yet, for instance, letter for future me, or finishing reading this book I started several months ago. What I am saying is that there is still a lot of place for improvement, and I know I am getting there.

So here is my gym story. I finally joined a gym, that happened on the 28th of February (the day my third nephew was born (: ). And I've been attending the gym not less than four times a week for seven weeks now (for those who are looking at the logistics, the first week was before I even joined, went there on a guest pass). I love it there! Keeps me out of the flat, keeps me feeling good. Soon after joining I started to go to Zumba classes on Tuesday mornings. And now I'll start to go more often in the mornings. Doing some cardio in the morning is a great way to start the day. I go to many other classes too, my favourite is Body Attack. Plus I've also begun to eat breakfast on a daily basis. I've built some muscles that I never knew I had. I feel stronger. 

I've met a guy there at the gym, and he asked me out. But I can't seem to care to reply to the last text message. He asked me out despite the fact that I told him about my plans of moving soon. He is nice, smart even (a rare bread!), but I don't like where it's going. So I don't know if I'll get back to him. I'll see him at the gym when his tattoo heals, and it will be awkward at first, but I'll get over it. 

My brother is here for four weeks now. He's not found a job yet, and is starting to annoy me a lot. I know I could be more supportive, but the way his first two weeks went here, I just can't be bothered. He has to try harder, but he is not doing anything. This morning my flatmate was asking him if I'm at work, and he replied not yet. I was raging! He sits about the house all fuckin day, and I am home one day in I have no idea how long. He still hasn't fucking learned that I'm off every Saturday. I know it's a little thing, but all this shit is piling up, and I keep it in, because I know he is my bro and I can't be a bitch. I wish he was actually looking for a job. FUCK!!! He's not doing anything. How does he not understand that I can't fucking keep supporting him? 

 

Vakar bija

Vakar vakarā beidzot atbildēju uz to vēstuli. Kopā aprakstīju divas lapas no abām pusēm. To ir plānots nākamā gada novembrī vai decembrī. Man tik jāsameklē skočs, lai varu to kārtīgi satīt, lai nav vēlme palūrēt ātrāk, kas tajā rakstīts.

Visādi citādi iet labi. Domāju par nerunigām spārēm un klausos citu sarakstītos mīlas vārdus. Nedaudz viz iedvesma, tik nezinu kur to kārt. Varbūt, ka iekāršu kumeļam astē, vai arī pie kāda vēl neizdzisuša slimības kalna. Tad manīs.

Vēl nav.

Vēl joprojām neesmu atbildējusi uz vēstuli sev. Bet gan jau kaut kad. ;)

Vēstule sev

Šodien izlasīju vēstuli sev. Tā tika uzrakstīta pagājušā gada jūlijā īsi pirms došanās prom no Kanādas. To lasīt bija diezgan skumji, jo es atcerējos visu ko jutu, ka bija jāpamet dzīve, kas bijusi Kanādā. Vēstules pamatprincips bija, dzīve mainās un neesot viegli. Toties liela daļa, kas vēstulē bija iztirzāts, bija diezgan pozitīva. Es aprakstīju, ka neatkarīgi no tā cik sūdīgi iet (vai neiet) ir jāturpina cīnīties. Vieglāk pasacīt kā izdarīt. Šodien vai rīt (tagad jau vēls) es atbildēšu uz Tavu vēstuli. Bet man gribās šoreiz izdomāt ko interesantu, vēl nebijušu. Varbūt es varētu izveidot jaunu e-pasta adresi, uz to nosūtīt šī gada vēstuli, bet uz lapiņas gluži vienkārši sev "nosūtīt" pastkastītes loginu un paroli. Vai varbūt es varētu aizsūtīt vēstuli sev uz Rīgu, tad tā atceļotu līdz manīm atpakaļ... Gan es kaut ko inčīgu izgudrošu. Ja ne, tad turēšos pie līdzšinējā rituma. hmmm, varbūt varētu pievienot kādu bildi? Vai kaut ko, kas nav plika vēstule? Vēl jau, protams, ir jāizgudro ko rakstīšu vēstulē, lai pašai to nākamgad ir prieks lasīt.

Pukīts drīz vienpadsmit vakarā, rīt (atkal) agri jāceļas. Saldus.

This is What I Wish to Give to You ..

Ever heard of something called nothing?! Well, that is what I am going to give You. Don't be upset, it is nothing personal. Let's face it - I have no idea who You are and I have not even a clue of where You are. So there is no chance of me giving You anything at all. I am very sorry for that.

You see my life has been changing so much that I can't even tell You it all. First I know when I will be leaving Canada. That will be happening very soon. Too soon. But before that comes, there will be goodbye parties, thankfully. Also, I still have to finish my summer school classes. Yeah, I might have never mentioned that before. I am taking summer school to boost up my average, so that I can get into the University.

Now a while ago, I graduated. Yeah, I managed and I survived (as You can see). Many of my friends have left already and it makes me sad to my guts and I feel like crying when ever I think of it. My best friend in Canada left last week, I never realized how good friends we were until the last few times that we met. It is almost insane, unimaginable, but true. I am gonna miss him so much. [See, my eyes are filled with tears now!! :'(] But we had some great times together and I will never forget it all.

The other day I found a letter that I wrote for myself at the beginning of my last school year (to be precise, 8th of September, 2009). I started this tradition on the February of 2007 when I wrote one that had to be read on the December of 2007, but I only read it in 2009 September. The last letter was to be read now, or in June. It described how my life was then and what I think of the thing that were happening. To keep the tradition rolling, I wrote a new letter. That one has to be read no earlier that 2011 August. I wrote some bullshit there, but I might blog about it, when I read it.

I still have so much to do in a very short time period. I have to pack, not only to go to Latvia, but also pack ALL my stuff. I have one suite case that I will have with me when I go now, while all my other things will be travelling only in November. Other than that I still have loads of stuff to do regarding to my education. As I mentioned, I still have to finish summer school. The last day is Monday the 26th of July, so only a week left. Exams are on this Friday. All I can think about is how I can kill myself before Friday (joking, I do not want to kill myself)! As summer school will be done, my next BIG step will be university, but I still have some things to sort out regards to that, send in applications to live in residence, as well as get in the university (since I got a conditional offer from two universities). I am scared that I will not get into my first choice, but I really want to, so let's keep our fingers crossed.

One more thing. Saying goodbye is so hard!! Yeah, I have done that before, but as I get older it gets harder since that bond I create with people is much stronger and way more meaningful. It pains me so badly that sometimes I cry only because of the idea that I will never ever see them again. Oh well.

So goodbye for now, but I promise You will hear form me again some time. I know I have become a lazy blogger lately, but I barely can find any time or inspiration to write anything, so please forgive me.

Oh and by the way, I hope You all are very into my SONG OF THE DAY blog. I have not ditched that one, not yet!