It's THAT time of the year

They say it is the most wonderful time of the year, the season to be merry and jolly, time to praise the big fat man called Santa or the God and his son Jesus, which ever tickles your fancy. It is time to give and receive.


Heck with it all, this so called magical time of the year is all in your head, it's all in the shop windows, it's in the silly feeling that last year around the same time you and the society made you produce the feeling of joy. To hell with it all. And then because there has to be balance of joy in the world, the sad become even more sad, depressed and lonely. Yes you understood me correctly, all forces in the world have to add up to be even. (Hence, when the rich become richer, the poor become more poor.) So when ever you are full of happiness for a longer time you are making someone's life miserable.

This year I have very little Christmas spirit in me. It is dormant for some years now. You can blame me, or you can blame the world. But I will just embrace it. I shall use this time to do things I dare not say out loud.

Despite it all, I did enjoy a lovely Christmas eve with my dad, and got some phone calls, and messages that made the festive feeling.

This all is fiction, maybe not. Maybe you'll think about it, maybe not.
Things are as they are.. Right?

Now playing: I want a Hippopotomous for Christmas, because well, it's self-explanatory, isn't it?

Ideally

In an ideal word, this is what is going to happen:
I will write my essay tonight.
Then I will do the things I have to do at work.
Then I'll perfect my essay.

In the morning I will get home, do some exercise.
Have some rest.
Go to the concert with my mom.

That's all in an ideal world.
I could challenge myself to actually follow through with it.
I could promise myself that I'll do what needs to be done.

Or I could just leave everything last minute.
Have no sleep.
Live with stress.
And skip exercise.

Well.
I don't know how things will play out.
But I do have a bad feeling about this. 

P.S.

Some good things are coming up,

this month and next month.

So, yeah, I'm happy. 

So she wrote

So she wrote a letter to tell him how she felt. She wrote a letter, and then she deleted it.
And so she never replied. She never forgot. No, he always stayed on her mind, every day she would find herself pondering about how things could be.. If there would be any change if she told him all those thoughts that were boiling in her mind. But she had come to a conclusion, she had decided that it's for the best. He soon forgot about her anyway, she became just another girl who he had met. Soon he forgot her name, and then he forgot her face, and she existed only in old memories that would never be bought back to life.

It was gone like the runaway train, it was gone to never return. She wrote a memory, a small note, an entry in a diary that did not exist. She wrote so she would not forget. She typed up the memories and saved them in a place where no one would stumble upon them. But they were there, just like old books covered with dust, the memories would hold still..

And then one day he wrote to her again.
He wrote:

Do You believe in magic?

And, in fact, she did, she believed that there was something more to life, she believed that things could happen just because.

So she wrote, she told him exactly that, that she believed in magic.

To which he replied that he would like to see her again, he was willing to buy a plane ticket to come see her. He would come when ever, but the sooner the better. He wanted to see her smile again, he wanted to see for himself that magic truly did exist.

She wrote back. She no longer lived in illusions, she said that she would be pleased to see him. She said that meeting him again would bring the most truthful smile in her face. She wrote to him. All the thoughts of him were coming back, they were simmering along the top of her mind. She never knew this would happen, she never thought to see him again.

But there he was standing waiting for her at the airport. He smiled a big smile and gave her a sincere hug, and didn't want to let her go. The embrace lasted for a at least two full minutes.

But then it didn't matter what happened next.
She had a second chance, and she wrote to him. She didn't tell him everything, but she said what was important - she said that she wanted to see him again... and again, and again...

Gym

Life keeps changing around me. There are some things that remain constant, however, there are also things that don't stop changing. I keep changing in ways I never thought possible, outlook on life keeps changing as well.

You know how there is people who talk a lot about doing something. Well I'm one of them. But in some ways I've finally begun actually doing stuff. I should't get too excited though, since there still are many plans that I have not completed yet, for instance, letter for future me, or finishing reading this book I started several months ago. What I am saying is that there is still a lot of place for improvement, and I know I am getting there.

So here is my gym story. I finally joined a gym, that happened on the 28th of February (the day my third nephew was born (: ). And I've been attending the gym not less than four times a week for seven weeks now (for those who are looking at the logistics, the first week was before I even joined, went there on a guest pass). I love it there! Keeps me out of the flat, keeps me feeling good. Soon after joining I started to go to Zumba classes on Tuesday mornings. And now I'll start to go more often in the mornings. Doing some cardio in the morning is a great way to start the day. I go to many other classes too, my favourite is Body Attack. Plus I've also begun to eat breakfast on a daily basis. I've built some muscles that I never knew I had. I feel stronger. 

I've met a guy there at the gym, and he asked me out. But I can't seem to care to reply to the last text message. He asked me out despite the fact that I told him about my plans of moving soon. He is nice, smart even (a rare bread!), but I don't like where it's going. So I don't know if I'll get back to him. I'll see him at the gym when his tattoo heals, and it will be awkward at first, but I'll get over it. 

My brother is here for four weeks now. He's not found a job yet, and is starting to annoy me a lot. I know I could be more supportive, but the way his first two weeks went here, I just can't be bothered. He has to try harder, but he is not doing anything. This morning my flatmate was asking him if I'm at work, and he replied not yet. I was raging! He sits about the house all fuckin day, and I am home one day in I have no idea how long. He still hasn't fucking learned that I'm off every Saturday. I know it's a little thing, but all this shit is piling up, and I keep it in, because I know he is my bro and I can't be a bitch. I wish he was actually looking for a job. FUCK!!! He's not doing anything. How does he not understand that I can't fucking keep supporting him? 

 

The Cute Guy

The cute guy at the gym started up a conversation

Go Up

Everyone is vulnerable, weak, pathetic. We take what is given to us, and very few of us aim, strive for more. We are selfish and naive. There is no person that is a saint.

But when you get too used to all the crap that people send your way, you get tried of turning the other cheek. You simply have no more soul left to punish. You become empty. All the scars are as deep as they can be. So every hurtful thing is like yet another raindrop in an ocean. It gets old. It gets to be the reality.

I am so weak that I can not be wounded any more.
As they say, you have to hit rock bottom to go up, and I've experienced this so much since here in Scotland, that I have to go up now, because there is no other way.

I'm From The Moon

There are two classic lines that I use to give a guy a hard time in getting to know me. First, they are always interested in where I'm from. I tell them the part the city where I live, but then they ask where I am from originally. That's when I say that I'm from the moon. At first most of them get confused and as again, as if I am the daft one who didn't hear the question right. As they go on with their confusion, I simply laugh at their stupidity. Then I wonder, what difference does it make? I've asked some guys, but never really got a clear answer. The next thing is that when I meet a guy who I actually like, I give him a hard time in finding out my name. I'm that mean, and they don't understand why I do that. I don't know either. It's just fun to watch a brave man be confused. Evil much?

Then there are certain things that attract guys without me even trying hard. One, it's my hair, I don't leave it down too often, but when I do do that, then many people come up to me to through compliments at me. I don't mind, as long as they are not drunk chicks. I prefer when cute guys notice that. Second it's my accent, the mish-mash of everything, guys find it sexy. And I don't blame them, they've spent all their silly lives in Scotland where ladies are a disgrace to humanity, and all talk the same, so someone with a different accent is nice to see/hear/meet. Besides, i't funny to see guys trying to guess where I am form.

I'll Wait

How long do you expect me to wait? This is not fair to me. This is not fair to you. This is not fair to anyone. Get a grip boy, you can not expect me to wait forever.

Where does the good go?

I Believe In..

One day I shall write about my life. And then I shall decide where to start and where to end the story. However, until then I have decided to change my life (again), not crucially, but just a bit. Today I shall post about the things I believe in. Yes, I will not cram about the things that I dislike, or things I don't believe in. I will try to list some things, and then write what I mean by that.
Before I do that I'd like to state a stupidity that I have committed. I always wait for the dude to send me a text message. And it used to be that I was so silly and answered right away, and so placing myself in the same situation - the waiting area. But lately things have slightly changed. I still wait for the guy to send a message, but when he does, I ignore it. I knew I would ignore it in the first place, but I still wait for a something. Last night (a Friday, as you could have guessed anyway) one guy sent a text message. Quite frankly I didn't even see that one coming. But then somewhere between 3 and 4 am GUESS-WHO called. Of course I did not pick up. Was he trying to get back at me for that one time....... Or was he trying to get back at me for not replying to his last two messages? OR was he actually hoping to see me?? Either way, I am not going to do anything about it.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, I can list some things that I believe in.

First, and far most important thing, I believe in my twin brother. You'd maybe expect me to write family and friends or something of that sort. And you are probably wondering why I am picking out just one person of this so-called group. The reason is that I don't believe in nor my family, nor my friends. However, I do believe in my twin bro. Not because he has trouble believing in himself, but because I really think that he can do more that what he is doing right now. I believe in him because I know what kind of a person he is, and I know that when someone wants something real, real bad, they can achieve it. He simply has not understood what it is that he wants to aim for. It is possible that I believe in him just to some how keep believing in myself; all because at some level we are in the same place. And who knows, maybe it is cuz we are twins, or maybe it's the upbringing, or maybe it's all the possible factors added together. But we are both struggling, each due to different list of things.. And gosh, I know this person, I know the deepest corner of his heart. I know he is strong. I know he leads his life with love and passion (gosh, this sounds lame).. But that is the truth.

So we lead in to the next thing: I believe in the GOOD. Yes, the good. I believe that there are people on this planet who are not entirely self centered. I believe that some people in the world would die to save another being. Of course, there isn't only back and white (sometimes I forget this), we all have our vices, and our falling point. But some people simply care less about themselves and more about others (or someone else in specific). It really doesn't matter, as long as the person doesn't spend his/her entire life just concerning about himself/herself.. I lost the train of thought... OOooppsss. I believe in Santa Claus. :D

I believe in art, all forms of art really. Painting, sports, photography, dance, singing, cooking, crafts, visual arts, modern art, art of design, art of work, art of structure, art or anything a person can be good at, anything  that a person can do so good that it can be admired.

(I need to remember how to project my thoughts into decent sentences and paragraphs.)

I could list some more things, but I'll just go with one more.

I believe in good night sleep. ;)

NADA

This is a nonexistent song. These words were never written and they will never be read. I don't remember your name or your face. Why would I even care? Even a bit? Who are you? Who are you to me? But yet there is a part of me that wished i knew more than the average person. I dislike you just because you are who you are. I dislike you because you're are what someone else intended you to be. I don't care for you at all. You can leave me all by myself or beg for my company; I really could not care less. You are a hole of emptiness to me... But at some level I still care. And somehow I wish all the best for you... That does not mean that it's what you deserve. You're still nothing. If I was to look up you're name in the dictionary, I'd find NOTHING!!! :P

I. Want. You.

There are so many things to say, and yet they'll remain unsaid. There are so many things that I would want to do, that will remain undone. There are just too many words willing to fly right in your face. But I'll hold back, and not say a single word. There are too many memories that can not be erased. There are silly rules and laws. And then there is You. Someone who is there, and then you're gone again. You say one, but who the hell knows what you're thinking.
Too much's been said, so I shall stay silent for now. But one day we'll talk; face to face, heart to heart. We'll talk it all out, so there'll be nothing more to say. But deep down I know that no matter how we part, we'll find a way to see each other again and again and again.

Online

Is it fair on me that I am waiting for you to be online? Is it fair on anyone?
Sometimes I wonder how things would be if the past would not have been so complicated, so god damned doomed. No need for questions. I am the fool to even think if how things would be today.
..So I better play the safe mode. As much as I wish to talk to you about nonsense, I think it is smarter to just stay offline.

Now Playing: Brainstorm - Online

Why I Will Not Text Back

I know that even if I really do message him back, I am going to be the one waiting on his response. And maaaan, it is a pain in ass to be forced to check your phone after every 5 minutes just to see that there are no new messages. Therefore I will not text him back. It's just not worth it.

Dialog

-So are you gonna see that guy again?
-Which one? (:P)

Ich weiß nicht

It's Mind-FUCK all over again. :@

Men

They want you to be honest. But they want you to lie. They fear the truth. They want you to be strong. They need you to be strong, because otherwise they wouldn't know how to handle you. You have to be strong, but never stronger than them. If you'll be stronger than them, they'll feel intimidated. But other times they deny that they need you to be strong, even though they know that they can't always be the best. They aim for it, and at most times you must make them believe that they really are the best. They have the funniest jokes, and best ideas. They have a great taste. But then You can't always agree to them, because they don't need you to be a dog, always at their feet. They need you to be yourself, and have some sort of opinion. They need you to replenish them, you have to make them complete. You must always look good. You can't wear make-up, but they like it when you're lips shimmer and you're eyes glow. But You are allowed to be ill, they like taking care of you, they want to feel needed. They want you to be special, because if you're special, it means that they are special too. You need to compliment him, but never more than they compliment you. You have to be independent, but sometimes rely on him. You have to trust him, even if you don't. You have to make him want you more every day. You have to be mysterious. You need to keep small secrets form him. He wants to feel like there is so much in you to discover, that he can spend his entire life just exploring you. You can not be shallow. You are to be smart. You have to be crazy, but polite and presentable. You have to be adventurous, but you also have to be a great cuddle buddy. You must be trustworthy, or the he will trust someone else, and never you.You have to give him his own space. You are to understand that he needs his friends to feel manly. He needs time when he can tell his friends how good you are. He also needs to complain about you. You are perfect, but he will find something that isn't the way he intended it to be. Maybe you ate too much cake. God forbid, too much cake IS a sin. You should keep healthy. But you can not be on a constant diet. he wants to share that pizza with you, and he would also love an occasional drink. You are to work out and keep fit, for him, and for yourself. You are to be beautiful inside-and-out. You can not forget that you need friends too. He wants you to have good-looking friends, but they can not be prettier than you. You should have your girls night out, but you are never to flirt with other men. You are to tell him where you go and later tell him how it went. But he does not care if your tights tear, he does not care what dress your friend was wearing. He cares that you were out of the house and having a good time. You also have to be a good cook, and he will expect that you keep the house clean. You need to wash his clothes, without asking him if these socks are dirty. He will wear them until someone tells him to take them off. 
At all time You are to remember that he is still a child, and he needs you to take care of him, but he can not feel like he is completely relying on you. But we all know that he would be lost without you.


You have to be perfect without being perfect.




OMG, I need to get a life ASAP!!! o.O

I Used to be Happy

It's quite sad to read my old, old posts and realize that the problems I had then are nothing compared to what kind of problems I have now. I used to pretend that my life was miserable because some guy never talked to me, even though I never even took the effort to talk to him. It's funny how perspective in life changes. It's interesting how we grow regardless of the achievements. We simply grow because of age. We grow old. I suppose this is what the grown-ups talk about when You're a kid yourself. The tables have turned now. And now I have to be a grown-up and say that when I was a kid.... It's odd to grow up. I mean in a way we all remain as kids, but we are mature kids.

 We all are kids with experience.

Work

Rant. Now I will be ranting about my work. I am so fed up, I don't even know where to begin. Ok, I do know where to begin. Polish. The Polish at my work are a nightmare. For starters they work really slow, are unproductive. They chit-chat more than they actually work. Then the most annoying thing is that they've been living in an English-speaking country for so many years, but none of them can actually form even a simple sentence!!! How am I supposed to work with people who have absolutely zero knowledge of the English language? One of the supervisors in Polish as well. I do not know how long she has been living in Scotland, but she works at this place for more than five years (i know, wtf? right!), and she still hasn't learned simple grammar rules. Every sentence she says is wrong. To make it even better she sings along to the songs on the radio. She sings what she thinks are the right things, which is obviously wrong as hell. Oh god. To continue on the subject of Polish people, there is this fella at work who has a girlfriend (who also happens to work at the same place), but he keeps flirting with me every day. This is so annoying when i don't even find the lad attractive. Ugh.
Also at work there are the two guys that i used to live with, and they can get really annoying and stupid as well. Gosh.
Then there is the management. One of our managers almost never showers, and always stinks terribly. It's pure disgusting. The same man also gets some "excellent" ideas on a daily bases. The problem being that his ideas make our work harder. The other manager has absolutely no respect for other employees. He jokes a lot, that's not bad, of course, but often he crosses the line between funny and offensive.
Gosh I could go on and on about all the things I really dislike at my job. And to make things even better my last salary was missing the wage of a few hours. I went to the higher instances, and told them that I hope this will not happen again. HAhA. They said they would add those few pounds on my next wage slip. Ugh.


P.S. No more slogans.

Will it be an 'A'?

I'm in a good mood today despite everything else. :D

Today was the first assesment at uni this trimester. It was a group presentation for 'Reflections on Social Science' module. It will determine 50% of the final mark for this class. So guess what, it was a damn important presentation.

I was in a group with four guys. And, of course, i was really happy to work with guys, because i think guys can do better... But i could be wrong... I simply feel that i work better with guys then with girls.

We had to explore and research to answer the question ''Does social class matter?'' (Of course it does!)

Anyway. Today we met up at 9am at our uni's library and worked on the presentation ALL day, until 4pm. It sure was a long day, and I hadn't slept much, and was really tired. And, needless to say, i didn't have much to eat for breakfast. I was really glad to know that everyone had done research for the examples, and social class theories. You know, group work really is where the statement ''You're as strong as the weakest link'' applies. Can't express the joy that everyone did something.

So we worked on this thing for a long, long time (and, unfortunatelly, we did not go to the lecture, instead we kept working on putting together the whole thing).

We were the third of four groups to present. It went fairly smooth, other than the fact that one guy went into too much detail about Marks and Weber, and Functionalism. We went a bit over time, but no one cared. The tutor had only two criticisms for the whole thing. And at the end of the workshop he came up to us and said that we'll probably get an A for the presentation. Needless to say, we were the best of the four groups.

So then we decided to go to the Union to celebrate the Scottish style, with a pint (or more) of beer. Yeah, it was not late, and i think it was the first time i had beer so early in the day (oh no it wasn't, my bad hahaha). Btw, call me cheap, but the guys payed for my beer. What ever. Guys are an awesome species sometimes. LOL

Now that we've done celebrating, i'm back to stress about Friday's and Tuesday's tests. But i think i'll take a break today and study all day tomorrow. I'm just exhausted.

Peace yo. :D

Who's Got Your Eye?

Oh, so there's a guy who's seariously gotten my eye on him.

...just saying. :D

Anywho, it's my least favourite, AND the most favourite day of the week - Friday. And yes, I hope I'll be seeing him today.

Paka for now.