Sanity

 I think you misplaced my sanity, and now I cannot find it.

We live in an ambiguous reality that is very likely to collapse any minute. We live in a world that, at best, sounds like a poem written by an old, drunk man. We cannot measure the time slipping through our fingers as we go about our mundane routine. We do not see the sun rise or the sun set. We do not get fazed by the moon phases. We're lost without even realising that the path that we're on is circular. We drive cars that drive themselves. They drive us down a cliff. We buy houses to live in, but spend our precious days at the office. We talk about love and respect while conveniently forgetting what's truly important. We dive into our socials as if they have the answers, but they only make us numb. We get so dissociated that we do not even realise we're no longer questioning anything. We become blank pages, we become nothing. If our lives were to be printed, they wouldn't even be white; they'd be see-through, not even tangible. 

I've stopped fighting. You may keep my sanity. I wasn't using it anyway. 

P.S. Isn't it Your birthday today? 

Infinite sadness

There is this vast abundance of sadness. It's overwhelming; it has filled my soul, overflowing and taking over my life. I can no longer function, even on autopilot; I exist no more. 

I can taste the pain on every cell of my tongue. It tastes like blood gushing so fast that I'm drowning in it. I don't know what happiness feels like anymore. I don't want to know what happiness feels like anymore. An undiscriminating numbness has set in. I have lost what I once used to be. 

This sadness tastes so bitter of lies and distrust. It's sour like a funny-smelling milk, not funny like a comedy. Funny, like the joke my life has been these years. It leaves my eyes in tears, my jaw in trismus, my palms in fists. 

It feels like burnt lips and a bitten tongue. It feels like sharp pain, like sharp needles hitting every nerve in my body. It feels like despair. It tastes like despair. It is gruesome, it is chilling, it is earth-shattering sadness and pain.  

Isn't it ironic how someone you used to love more than yourself can hurt you more than you could ever think to hurt another human being? Isn't it ironic how such love and loyalty can be faced with deceit, lies and duplicity?

This is how love moulds into hate and remorse.

Now Playing: Damiano David - Perfect Life

Spring.

 It's 2022, no 2023, no, it's 2024. 

It has been a while since I last plundered here with my intrusive thoughts and left nothing behind but nonsense. Life is the same... Same, same, but different. There have been some ghostly sightings, aka some saved drafts that were never published, none of which I deemed to be rational enough for other people's eyes (and minds). There is a cat in my lap, she keeps demanding cuddles, so typing is becoming somewhat of a challenge. My thoughts are scrambled enough, and I do not require more distractions. 

As the title hints, it is springtime. Green grass, flowers blooming, trees coming in with fresh coats. It's a wonderful time of the year and all that jazz. 

Many thoughts are racing in my mind, and most of them are too personal for the vast cosmos called The Internet. So I do not really know why I stumbled to this far corner of my existence. Do you know?

I'll just tell you what I've been up to without deeper context, shall I?

Had a day off today. Went to Edinburgh to do some dancing with the Dindaru Dandaru folks. Tried to get cat food my cats like, so there is enough for them to nom nom while we're away next week. The shop didn't have it, so that will be tomorrow's mission to complete. Did some laundry. Did some research on these new meds I'll be taking, and that took up a lot more time than I initially thought, but I feel like the knowledge base is decent now. Still have to go pack for our wee trip away. 

Work has been alright. We have some new staff starting this month, training, and all that, super fun (naaaaat). I do not think my patience is mature enough for such tasks, but hey, I can do it, nae bother. Small menu changes coming our way. Just your usual work-related things that are absolutely irrelevant to anyone who isn't actually working there too.  

The never-ending studies are looming to a dreadful culmination in a few months. 

Our two beautiful cats are doing well, not getting along, but doing well on their own turf and terms. 

Husbandito is doing well, busy working and volunteering with the Cubs, having a good time. 

We went to see a couple movies from the Glasgow Film Festival. That was fun. And tomorrow we leave for a small trip to chillax and escape the routine a bit. 

Life is good. I guess that's what I wanted to say. It's a little mundane, but I love it. 

Bye now, see you in another year or so. (?)

Hello dragonfly, what time is it?

My thoughts have been wandering places again, and it has led me here. I've missed you, my dear dragonfly. Lately, I've been thinking about time again. How it's fluid and solid depending on what is next saved in your google calendar. I've taken out the trash, Wednesday is long gone. I've input the October appointments. It's all so bleak. Why is time always strategically trying to screw us? What did we do to it to deserve such betrayal? It remains silent to my endless sea of questions; it just keeps ticking forward and never back. 

I want to scribble my thoughts, so I have some snapshots of today's memories. I don't want them to just disappear into the nothingness that we call life. Today is my day off. These last couple of days the weather has been miserable. We had more than a fair share of summer this year, I must be honest about that. The sun was spoiling us, or was it global warming? Who knows anyway(?). I don't like to get up to too much on days off, I don't like to disappoint myself. We had a lovely date night yesterday though, yes, despite the weather being absolute shit. Any time spent together feels way better than a boatload of sun anyway. The feeling cannot be written down, it can not be expressed, not even drawn. It's beautiful at its core, heart-warming shells around it, and draped in wholesome happiness... Something like that, but waaaaay better. I can honestly say that I love that man more and more each day. 

Work has been alright, dare I say it, it's actually been good. It has its challenges, and not-so-great-days, but I don't feel as bad before going to work. I don't know what it is. I bet it's all in the head, I can't let my thoughts run wild without a leash. They go to bad places. I get shit days too, when everything seems to be failing and falling into the wrong places, and just when you think that things cannot possibly go worse, life throughs a brick straight to the face. These days happen, and I think getting through them is what has created this feeling that it's better now. Is it better now, or is it just an illusion? 

I miss people, I miss family and friends in Latvia, and it honestly breaks my heart. It sucks, sucks a fuckton. 

Right, time to put the leash back onto these thoughts and wonder other corridors of this head of mine. 

Come, take my hand and let's go for a walk in this wonderful rainfall, the flooded streets, the sun teasing avenues.

 

Un tu?

Es vēlētos dzīvot pasaku namiņā, kas atrodas meža vidū. Tas iebūvēts zābakā. Jā, zābakā! Kurpju šņores kalpotu kā žalūzijas. Tās dienā varētu atvērt ielaist nelielu saules staru, kas ieceļotu caur koku zariem. Bet naktī aizvērt, lai mēness gaisma nekož caurumus ciešā miega sapņos. Netālu varētu dzirdēt nelielas upes ūdens straumi, kā tas nesas lejā pa ūdens kritumu. Zābaka augšu mēs aizšūtu ciet, lai lietus un sniegs nekrīt uz galvas, un, lai skudras nezog brokastis no galda. Mums būtu nelielas kāpnes, kas vestu līdz guļamistabas logam, lai pēc nakts pastaigām var doties pa taisno uz sapņu zemi. Pirmajā stāvā mums būtu glauna dzīvojamā istaba, kur mēs uzņemtu viesus. Tai būtu aitādas paklājs, lai pēdām allaž silti. Un uz maza galdiņa vienmēr būtu karsta un pilna tējas kanna. Tai blakus nelielas, trauslas porcelāna tasītes, un saldummīļiem, svaigas īrisa konfektes. Mēs klausītos latviešu tautas dziesmas, kas spēlētu vecā radio kastē. Mums būtu iedomīgs kaķis, kas sēdētu istabas stūrī un vērotu visus ar niķīgu skatu. Mēs pa dienu ietu lasīt sēnes un ogas, vakarā dzertu tēju, bet naktī mēs sapņotu par to kā būtu, ja būtu. 

Peachy July Thoughts

The other day we went to Lidl to get some shopping done. Life has turned upside down for everyone in 2020, hasn't it? We got our facemasks, and into the shop we went. There it's been a while now that we have wear some sort of face cover in shops, so many now think that it does not apply to them. Rules are clearly made to be broken. People don't seem to care about others' personal space, and even less now. Everyone acts as if we're not in this together.
We got our shopping done, I got some peaches, but still a bit tough, so will be good a few days later. Got a nice sticky toffee pudding for my name day celebration.
On the Saturday we celebrated our "would be our wedding day". We got Paesano pizza takeaway and wine, and cheesecake from Tesco. Not usually a fan of cheesecakes, but this one was with passion fruit and raspberries, sweet but tangy. Kinda like life is, and what I expect married life to be.
Even though we didn't actually get married, it still feels like an important time in our relationship. And it's maybe even better, because we know for sure what we want, to be together. People get cancelled weddings for far worse reasons, right? At least we still got each other. ❤️

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